Seinfeld is generally viewed as a show about nothing, but represents real life perfectly, because…well, sometimes nothing really happens. It’s a constant stream of minutiae until your day is over, and then you get up and do it again!
Seinfeld would represent these minor details masterfully but would often times exaggerate to get their point across and make the show insanely entertaining. Take the episode where the gang got stuck in the Chinese restaurant, for example. We’ve all been in that same situation where we’re exhausted after a long day and just want to sit down and gorge on some food, yet your reservation has vanished and you’re left standing there awkwardly with your hands in your pockets as you slowly lose your mind and debate snatching food off people’s plate. Even worse is when you run into someone you “kinda” know and are forced into idle chit chat (usually about the weather).
Both of those instances were brought forth in that particular episode, but they obviously put it on thick in other examples. It’s very unlikely that one is going to get dumped because they were waiting for a phone call at a Chinese restaurant and ended up missing it because the host butchered the person’s name on the other line (George).
Speaking of getting dumped (or dumping)…that’s another example of where the show was constantly exaggerating for comedic effect. Sure, it’s completely feasible to break up with someone because they’re too much like you (why would someone want to date someone exactly like them? People hate themselves). A breakup can also feasibly occur if the partner flat out refuses to change their clothes (Jerry again). But some of the reasons for terminating a relationship are just so “out there,” and while they leave you laughing hysterically, they would never actually happen.
Here are the top 10 reasons for breaking up with someone on Seinfeld, that would never happen in real life:
10. Not Tasting The Pie
Look, it’s hard enough to meet people as it is. We’re at the point where society is swiping left and right on their mobile phones as they browse pictures of people (not that there’s anything wrong with that). It’s highly unlikely that anyone is going to break up over refusal to take a bit of their date’s pie. What does a normal person think when their date refuses to try the pie? They might say: “that’s great, more pie for me” or “geez, this person is health savvy, this might pay off in the long run.” Jerry was absolutely mystified by this notion, an absolute deal breaker! In true Seinfeld fashion, to emphasize the ridiculousness, they had Jerry do the exact same thing to Audrey (played by Suzanne Snyder) when they were at her father’s restaurant. “Poppie” (the dad) promised he’d whip them up something extra special for dinner and Jerry caught him leaving the bathroom without washing his hands. Hilarious, but surely a scenario that does not happen in everyday life.
9. A “Bad Breaker-Upper”
Correct me if I’m wrong, (you certainly can if you’d like, that’s what the comments section is for) but doesn’t dating someone who sucks at breaking up defeat the whole purpose of dating? Elaine was at her absolute best here: “I can’t be with someone that doesn’t break up nicely. I mean, to me that’s one of the most important parts of a relationship.” Simple fundamentals, right? He was indeed a terrible breaker-upper as he made the observation that Elaine had “a big head.” It didn’t bother her at first but it started to wear on her when a bird flew directly into her head because the target was apparently so big.
If you’re dating someone to begin with, it’s unlikely that anticipating the manner in which the person ends the relationship would be the tipping point!
8. Too Much Naked
How much naked is “too much?” Apparently, there is a line that cannot be crossed. For Jerry, this occurred when his girlfriend, Melissa (played by Kathleen McClellan) opted to open a jar of pickles…naked. Something needed to be done in order to salvage the relationship because Jerry did not want to witness another pickle jar fiasco. To be fair, it wasn’t the jar that was at fault as Jerry simply could not tolerate anything that involved muscles contracting while naked (a fairly unreasonable request). At first, Jerry tried to jump on board with the whole naked thing by walking around in the nude, himself. Melissa was repulsed by this idea and eventually just opted out of casual nudity. Naturally, this did not work because Jerry was always trying to picture her naked while Melissa couldn’t get the image of “naked Jerry” out of her head. This doesn’t seem possible even in the Seinfeld Bizarro world episode.
Yes ladies, shrinkage is a real thing. As a guy, if someone you were dating happened to accidentally see you in the most compromising position possible where you were “short changed” as Jerry described it, it could certainly leave a bad first impression. The issue with first impressions is that you can only make one. It doesn’t seem likely that a relationship could end over “shrinkage”…but it could happen.
However, the scenario in which it played out on Seinfeld is next to impossible. What are the chances that you’re going to take a trip to a cottage with a girl you just started dating (along with your buddy and his girlfriend), then have his girlfriend accidentally see you in your birthday suit seconds after you got out of the pool? Not only that, but then your friend’s girlfriend immediately informs yours about the shrinkage like it was a 911 call, when the two ladies had only met that day…
6. Eating Peas One At A Time
Eating is quite the precarious thing because the manner in which people eat can be very annoying, but it’s one of those things that people usually keep to themselves. We’ve all been in situations where the person across from you eats too loudly, too messily, too much, or even too slow.
Jerry took serious issue with eating too slow. Maybe it wasn’t solely the fact that she ate too slow, but more because there was such quicker options available to eat the peas: “I’ve seen her eat corn niblets, but she scoops em!”
People throw around the word “literally” too much nowadays. It has become the new “figuratively.” But let’s map out Jerry’s circumstances. He’s on a date with a smoke-show girl, seemingly having a good time. But the tipping point was that she chose to eat her peas one at a time. Such a circumstance has happened literally 0 times in real life!
5. Choosing “A Voice” Over A Girl
HEEELLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOO… we’re not sure which is more unrealistic in this one, Jerry choosing to use a voice over a girl, or the fact that she took him back (it ended badly too…Kramerica!). Jerry is dating a girl named Claire at this point (played by Sarah Peterson). Jerry and George make a joke that when she falls asleep, her belly button stays awake and talks to him. As Elaine said: “I have to start taking these stupid warnings more seriously.” Jerry tells Claire about the joke, and she gives him an ultimatum: “It’s either her, or the voice.” Not only does he choose the voice after spending the day in deep reflection, but he shows up at her door and uses it in her face.
Now, here we have two instances that would never occur, but the second one is even more unrealistic. No man in their right mind would ever choose to use “a voice” over a girl, and if they did, they’d do what all guys do and lie about it as they’d simply use it when she isn’t around. Secondly, there are not many women out there that would give a guy a second chance after being an afterthought to a voice. Once they were done with the voice, Jerry asked for a second chance and she freaking agreed!
4. Liking The Dockers Commercial
No one in the history of the earth has ever been more offended by a cotton Dockers commercial than Jerry Seinfeld. It appeared as though Jerry and his date, Donna (Gretchen German) were having a splendid time, cozying up to one another on the couch…until the topic of the Dockers commercial came up. They went from canoodling to having a full blown argument in 30 seconds. It’s really hard to imagine cotton Dockers breaking up a couple, but this is precisely what happened on Seinfeld.
Granted, George and Kramer did not help the situation as the Dockers commercial was the first thing they brought up as soon as they ran into Donna. At this point she knew that Jerry was going around ripping her about the commercial to his friends. Never has a relationship come and gone so fast…over pants.
3. “The Pick”
Like Jerry says: “there may have been some incidental penetration, but from her angle, she was in no position to make the call.” In short, the supermodel that Jerry met on the plane in the previous episode caught him picking his nose (allegedly). As he was in his car at a traffic light, her cab happened to pull up right beside him and she witnessed “the pick.”
There’s a lot of highly unlikely factors that have to add up here for this to even remotely come to fruition. First of all, New York is a big city, is it really plausible that her cab would happen to pull up right next to him at the exact second that he was picking his nose? More importantly, there was no pick! He was simply scratching his nose. All these tiny little details cumulated in her not returning any of his calls and Kramer somehow ending up being a Calvin Klein underwear model.
2. Kissing In The Soup Nazi’s Line
This was perhaps the greatest Seinfeld episode of all time (right up there with “the contest.”) The beauty of this one is that there is a degree of realism to it. There are many times where public affection is frowned upon or flat out against the rules of the establishment. For example, if people are making out at a bar, it may discourage other customers from ordering drinks at that particular bar because they would rather not go near the people that are going at it “hot and heavy.” This results in the bartender making less money in tips, so naturally he or she would be inclined to tell the kissers to cut it out or at least tone it down a notch.
Seinfeld portrayed this example in such an over-the-top exaggeration. It’s very plausible for the owner of the restaurant to tell people to “stop kissing in line” and for one member of the couple to object to this request. But to ultimately choose a bowl of soup over a relationship just would not happen: “But have you tasted the soup?!”
1. Pretending To Be A Marine Biologist
Leave it to George Louis Costanza to steal the show for the most ridiculous breakup in Seinfeld history. There is also a degree of realism in this example, as men are notorious for lying about their professions. There is no end to the amount of mustard that we will put on our professions in order to impress someone.
The absurdity begins when Jerry runs into a female friend from college, and she asks what George has been up to, and Jerry blurts out that he’s a marine biologist. She’s obviously impressed, and desires to give old Georgy boy a call. The problem is that George is way more comfortable lying about being an architect as that’s his “go to.” He somehow manages to successfully lie about marine biology, until George and the girl are walking on the beach and there “happens” to be a beached whale that needs to be saved as a guy screams: “is anyone here a marine biologist?!” George had no choice but to march into the sea and attempt to save the whale.
He recounts the story: “a strange calm came over me, I don’t know if it was divine intervention or the kinship of all living things, but I tell you, Jerry, at that moment – I was a marine biologist.” He saw that something was obstructing the whale’s breathing and that it was a golf ball lodged in the blow hole (Kramer’s). George saved the whale…He then revealed that he was not actually a marine biologist and promptly got dumped.
We mentioned earlier that the word “literally” get tossed around way too loosely. But we assure you, an incident like this has literally happened zero times – ever.
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