In the name of Simon Cowell, just get it over with. When you're a kid, you know that two bullies on the block will eventually fight. In pop culture, though, we are apparently not smart enough to just put a couple of annoying people in a cage, lock the door and let the blood flow. No rules. Scratching and gouging allowed--encouraged, even. And if we, the audience, get a certain satisfaction or arousal from it, well, so much the better. It is, after all, our heads they've been causing to ache for too long a time. In ancient times, gladiators would be given cheap implements of war with which to bludgeon each other. The punishment for the loser, besides eternal shame, shall be a virtual-reality shearing with grade-school scissors before being dunked in honey and fed to Rosie O'Donnell. Unless Beyoncé loses ... then we'll take bids (she gets fed to the highest bidder directly after the honey-dunking).
Here're 10 real and fantasy celebrity fights we'd just love to see.
10 Taylor Swift v. Beyoncé
9 Louie DePalma v. Tyrion Lannister
8 Sarah Palin v. Tina Fey
7 Ronda Rousey v. Buffy the Vampire Slayer
6 Candace Cameron Bure v. Raven Symone
5 Archie Bunker v. Bernie Sanders
4 Ben Affleck v. The Movie-Going Public
3 Penny Hofstadter v. Winnie Cooper
2 Brian Williams v. Ron Burgundy
1 June Cleaver v. Peg Bundy
If Ward had ever caught June lounging on the sofa, eating candy and nearly coming out of her overly tight capris pants, gosh golly there'd be heck to pay. Since Al would likely be in June's corner instead of that of his teetering wife, Peg would go it alone. We predict June wins in a rout, dumping Peggy off the couch and shoe-whipping her with her freshly polished white pumps. All this while vacuuming and getting the table set for dinner. Peg would never know what hit her and wouldn't care even if she did. Unfortunately for the Beave, his attempts to comfort Kelly in the crowd would be rejected like so many of Eddie Haskell's faux-compliments.
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