Picture this – it’s a zombie apocalypse! There are monstrous undead roaming the streets in search of a human sandwich, and that human could very well be you. Suddenly, you’re remembering all those television shows, movies and video games recently that have been totally obsessed with zombies and kicking yourself for not paying closer attention. You’re racking your brain for how to deal with the beast advancing towards you.
And, most of all, you’re hoping that you won’t be alone for long, because teamwork definitely helps in situations like a zombie apocalypse.
Now imagine the only team mates up for grabs are celebrities. Useless, right? All they do is lay in their luxurious mansions, drink green smoothies and study their lines. Interesting people, but maybe not ones with the most survival skills when the going gets rough. While this stereotype might apply to some celebrities, there are others that would be definite assets when it comes time to fight the undead. Whether it’s because they’ve had roles on productions dealing with zombies and might have some useful tips, whether they’re just incredibly physically strong or quick on their feet, these celebrities are going to help rather than hinder your chances of faux survival.
Here are 10 celebrities you definitely want on your zombie apocalypse team… should the time come.
10. Danai Gurira
You’re obviously going to want at least one celeb who was on AMC hit The Walking Dead. After all, they’ve spent years getting desensitized to the undead by being surrounded by faux zombies, so they’ll likely get less spooked than the average celebrity when confronted with a monstrous zombie in real life. Danai Gurira, who plays Michonne, is a good pick – she wields a samurai sword on the show like an expert and has a killer ‘can’t be stopped’ attitude. You don’t want someone on your team who’s going to be whining non-stop (not naming names…). Gurira’s fit, and her fearless portrayal of Michonne has likely given her some knowledge that could come in handy.
9. Bear Grylls
When you’re in a tricky situation, you want someone around who can solve pretty much any survival dilemma. The man for that job is Bear Grylls. For his show Man Vs. Wild, he’s been plopped down in the middle of some of the harshest terrains with very little, if any, supplies. He’ll know what you can and can’t eat, how to set traps, how to build shelter… basically, how to survive, wherever you are. You want this guy around. He’ll also help you find water when you’re dying of thirst, which is one of the quickest ways to perish out in the wild.
8. Ken Jeong
In an apocalypse situation, let’s face it – people are going to get injured. Whether it’s a zombie bite or merely someone scraping their knee after tripping when they’re trying to run away, there’s going to be a lot of carnage, and there’s no one more useful during times like that than a doctor. Before he became a comedic star in Hollywood courtesy of hit movie The Hangover, Ken Jeong earned his M.D. and was a practising physician. He might not be the strongest physically, but he can patch up any team member, and that’s an invaluable skill to have during the apocalypse.
7. Miranda Lambert
Miranda Lambert is a good ol’ Southern girl with her dimples, cowboy boots and distinctive Southern twang. However, she’s a pretty tough cookie as well, and she can definitely handle a rifle. Lambert and husband Blake Shelton go shooting often, and she even helped to shoot all the venison that was served at her wedding. She’s going to have the skills you need to take down a couple zombies when they’re coming at you, provided she can get her hands on a rifle or shotgun. Plus, in a depressing apocalyptic world, it’s probably nice to have some entertainment, and her voice could provide hours of songs around the camp fire.
6. Eva Longoria
Eva Longoria is a lot more than just a pretty face. You actually want her on your team for two reasons. First of all, since growing up on a farm as a child she’s been a passionate and skilled hunter. She’s also an incredible cook – she’s published a cookbook of her and her family’s recipes and is frequently involved in food-related endeavours, whether it be opening a restaurant or sharing her recipes and expertise on talk shows. Whatever meager rations you can find during the apocalypse, she’ll probably be able to turn it into something delicious.
5. Dwayne Johnson (The Rock)
Sometimes, things are about finesse and skill – you need to tiptoe around making sure the zombies don’t hear you, you need to sneak up on them, etc. However, sometimes it’s just about plain, brute strength – that’s where Dwayne Johnson, better known as The Rock, comes in. He’s an absolute monster of a man who could flip cars if you needed to create diversionary tactics or set up a fortress. Also, he has several years as a successful wrestler under his belt, so as a last resort he could probably perform a respectable body slam or choke hold on an undead advancing towards the team.
4. Woody Harrelson
Woody Harrelson had a starring role in the movie Zombieland, in which he portrayed one of the last survivors in a land ravaged by the zombie apocalypse. While he was shooting the film, he was essentially training for the real (hypothetically) thing. He’s also a vegan in real life, so you know that even if he turned into a zombie himself, he’d probably be a pretty gentle giant. Plus, little known fact – Harrelson’s father was actually a professional hitman. Harrelson didn’t follow in his footsteps, obviously, and the two weren’t close at all, but there might be a bit of a killer instinct in his genes, if the going gets truly tough.
3. Harrison Ford
I know what you’re saying – Ford is probably a little past his physical prime, and he might be a liability out on the field during a hypothetical zombie apocalypse. Sure, he might not be able to run as fast as a man in his 20s, but there’s one crucial skill Ford has – the ability to fly a helicopter. Now, you might not be able to find a helicopter during a zombie apocalypse, but his hours of flight training mean he could probably help you fly to safety if you did manage to come across some kind of aircraft. If you luck out and stumble across a chopper, he could be your evacuation guy and save everyone’s life. It’s worth having him just for the potential alone. Plus, all that time on the Indiana Jones films – he likely learned a few useful skills that he might remember.
2. Bradley Cooper
Bradley Cooper earns his spot thanks to one of his most recent movies, American Sniper. In order to prepare for the role of U.S. sniper Chris Kyle, Cooper actually trained with U.S. Navy S.E.A.L.S. Apparently, he was even a pretty good shot. Those hours of training have honed his shooting skills, so he could probably nail a zombie from pretty far away. It’s always a plus when you don’t need to venture too close to those carnivorous undead. As an added bonus, Cooper is fluent in French – perhaps his affinity for languages means he’ll be able to work out a few words in zombie-speak and communicate to any lucid members of the undead.
1. Rudy Reyes
Why do you want Rudy Reyes on your zombie apocalypse team? The question is, why don’t you? Reyes is a must have for numerous reasons. First of all, he spent several years in the U.S. Marine Corps and even underwent Marine Recon training. He’s best known for his role of playing – wait for it – himself, on the military miniseries Generation Kill. Second, after his marine years, he worked as a fitness trainer and martial arts instructor. That’s right – he’s in amazing shape and knows how to fight. Finally, he was on a television series called Apocalypse Man, which was literally about ways to help survive the apocalypse. Forget picking him for your team – he better be leading it.
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