What is it about cars that turns people into idiots, especially guys? Is it small penis syndrome, the need for speed or did your first stripper give you a sub-par lap dance? Whatever it is, there are certain cars that bring out the worst in people. Oh, and for the guys that think these cars are what the ladies want – you are either wrong, or you will learn several life lessons from the women they do attract. (Now let’s take a moment for guys “in the know” to have a collective chuckle.)
Full Disclaimer: In the nineties I bought a Plymouth Neon, the one with white rims that looked like soccer balls. I almost also bought a “classic” BMW. I put an Alpine stereo system and sub-woofers in the Neon (and would have done the same with the BMW). I say this to let you know there is hope, we all go through phases.
A couple of criteria for this list: First, pricing sometimes matters. In the case you are buying the “cheap version” of a luxury car, chances are it’s for all the wrong reasons. Also, number of seats matters. General rule: Two-seat vehicles are for douchebags.
Just missing the list are owners of Toyota Camry and Corolla cars. Why, you ask? Because I’m sick of hearing how these rides are the most likely to be stolen. Listen, it’s not because they are must-have, hot cars, it’s because they are the most popular. You are boring, get over it.
If douchebags and their cars anger you or make you laugh, enjoy. Honestly, the hardest part about writing this list is not dropping F-bombs every three words. Here are the 10 cars where you are most likely to find a douchebag behind the wheel.
11 Ford Mustang (Nineties models)
The classic Mustang from the seventies was a sexy muscle car that combined a great look with lots of power. The nineties version was a fancy Ford Escort. Unfortunately the nineties version also introduced the 5.0-liter version of the Mustang, the one with the obnoxious rear spoiler. This was the one Vanilla Ice rapped about. Since, Ford has tried to recreate the seventies, but has ended up back in the nineties. Anyone driving one of these cars (bonus points if it’s a nineties 5.0) might as well roll down the windows and blast “Ice Ice Baby.” It was obnoxious then and is now both obnoxious and dated. (Super douchebag bonus for anyone caught in one of these “rolling” down Ocean Drive in Miami.)
10 BMW (2-Door Models)
We can focus on one of their 2-seat models, maybe the Z4 Roadster, but in general if you are driving a BMW you have made a social choice and limiting who is part of your “circle.” Are you a high-powered trial attorney? You probably are not. Do you wish you were a high powered trial attorney? I bet you do. BMW owners become part of a cult; once you buy one you will always buy a BMW. Just like religion and politics, everything should be taken in moderation. This should include the type of car you drive. There’s a reason the sales agent keeps winking at you – you are being hypnotized. Just please remember that you are not a high-powered trial attorney.
9 Chevrolet Monte Carlo
At my High School a few students had old Monte Carlos, usually spray painted black. These cars would sit in the parking lot with the windows cracked just enough to let the cigarette smoke escape. A couple “rich” kids had the “SS” model of the Monte Carlo. This version had tinted windows and was also black with the SS in red. If you are not parked in a High School parking lot, you have no business owning one of these cars. If you see someone who owns one of these I suggest staying away because you will be inundated with stories about how High School was the greatest time of their life. The Monte Carlo is the Al Bundy of douchebag cars.
8 Ford F-150
Anyone that lives in the city or most suburbs doesn’t need a jacked up pick-up truck, it’s unnecessary. This driver typically works as an accountant and thinks off-road driving is parking with half their vehicle on the sidewalk. The last thing I need is to walk out of a grocery store only to see your unwashed monster truck with scraps of dead animals trapped in the tailgate. The drivers of these trucks actually sound like and think they are Denis Leary, guys who talk tough from the middle-class suburbs. Don’t even get me started on the women that drive these monstrosities.
When discussing luxury sports cars, the Porsche is usually part of that discussion. There is a stigma around anyone who is driving a Porsche. They are wonderful cars from a performance standpoint, but if you are driving around a 2-seat Boxster, chances are you have a lot of self confidence and maybe feel a little too good about yourself. This goes double if you have a Porsche key chain or other accessories. You are not Hank Moody; sorry, your car does not immediately make you cool. (Super douchebag bonus for owners that wear leather Porsche bomber jackets, we already see the key chain, enough already.)
6 Toyota Prius
There is nothing wrong with a Prius. They are smart, economical and good (at least better) for the environment. The problem is the people are way too proud of their choice of transportation. “I drive a Prius!” Good for you, now I was asking you about your kids, care to answer my question? Prius owners do not straddle the line between proud and arrogant very well. “Oh, you drive a Toyota?” What they are really asking is whether you care that modern man is ruining the Earth and that we are leaving the World a worse place for our children. It doesn’t really matter though because each time you ask about their children you will receive the same response: “I drive a Prius!”
5 Mercedes-Benz (low end models)
Specifically looking at the older or lower class models, the C-Class or SLK models are questionable choices for a car owner. It would appear that you really just want to drive (and tell people you drive) a Mercedes, but can’t afford the top of the line models where true luxury is found. Instead you settle for a car that, although is a nice ride, isn’t the best vehicle in that price range. Chances are that at some point in your life you wore a Mercedes hood ornament around your neck. Note: that was a statement, we know this is true of anyone driving these cars.
4 Mazda Miata
This is the most “Plymouth Neon” ride of all time. A piece of junk with only 2-seats for the guy who wants to think he’s “the man.” The Miata is for the guy who one day dreams of owning a Mercedes SLK. This driver also believes he is very funny, because everyone around him is always laughing. News Flash: They aren’t laughing at your jokes; they are laughing at your Miata! Miata owners are found with the top down (always), alone (always) and driving to and from the gym to work out their frustrations. (Super douchebag bonus for owning a red Miata - because you aren’t already drawing enough attention to yourself.)
Hey, I get it, I do. Life is hard and each day it feels like going to work is like going to war. Guess what? It’s not and we should be grateful we don’t need to drive a tank to work. Where does it stop? Is wearing military fatigues next? Driving a Hummer is not practical, not economical and harms the environment. If you want to have the biggest, baddest vehicle on the road then go full Karl Malone and buy a semi rig - that will show them! (Super douchebag bonus if you drive the yellow Hummer. Enough said.)
If you own a Lamborghini you are an open invitation to be robbed or arrested. You are Shooter McGavin (and you also think your hand is a make believe pistol). “Look at how the doors open, they go up!” Yes they do, now what? If you are racing this car then you get a pass, but let’s face it, most people are not racing their Lamborghini. They are driving it to buy coffee and park it right in front of the club so they can hear that “ooooh” once they open the doors. Good news: The women these cars attract are gorgeous. Bad news: The women these cars attract are insane! Enjoy your days driving to coffee shops, shooting your hand pistol and trying to not get pulled over by the police.
1 Modified Compact Cars (Honda Civics, VW Golf/Jetta)
Modifying a car isn’t necessarily bad; after all, “working on cars” is a favorite pastime of many. Where this goes awry is when it becomes referred to as a culture. It’s no different than people who grow beards or only eat organic food. It now becomes a requirement in their lives. Modifying a “compact car” isn’t really necessary, but you are part of a culture so you have no choice. The Honda Civic and Volkswagen VW models seem to be the most popular vehicles to modify (or ruin). Where should we draw the line? A racing stripe is okay. A subtle spoiler is pushing it. A rear spoiler that is taller than the car is not okay. Adding a flames or a racing number to your car is clearly crossing the line. You are now well into douchebag territory, and there's no turning back.