Amazon is an international giant. The eCommerce king offers online retail, consumer electronics, digital content, in addition to other local services like deals of the day and even groceries. They brought in more than 107 billion U.S. dollars in 2015 alone. At the end of 2015, Amazon reported over 304 million active customer accounts— that’s almost as much as the entire population of the United States, which in 2016 was confirmed at 324,118,787. Because the company has such an enormous international reach it’s considered to be one of the most influential brands of this generation. It is really no surprise that they offer odd and unusual products in addition to their standard fare.
Most people shop Amazon for the convenience, and some monitor coveted items in hope of a sale. Others use it to shop for rare and specialty items that they’ve always wanted and can’t locate anywhere else. Amazon gives customers access to products that aren’t offered at the mall or even a high end antique dealer. It also has some downright strange things for sale. Some so expensive you’d think buyers would want to see it in person before they’re committed to maxing out their credit cards.
Today we’re talking about some of the wackiest, most extravagantly priced and outlandish items available for purchase on Amazon. Call the customers collectors, call them crazy, heck even say that they have more money than brains, but you have to admit you’re pretty curious about what’s out there for sale. Here’s a look into the wildest products available for purchase on Amazon and some speculation as to who might be buying.
15. Pants To Poo In
How far would you go for a gag gift? Even worse, who really wants these items for their personal collections? There are a number of bathroom “accessories” for sale on Amazon that we hope are primarily used as gag gifts. Most people try to avoid defecating in their pants, but with the “Goosh Pants” (that’s what they’re really called), you can look like you had an epic episode in your pants all day long. For just $18.97 you can make sure that no one will dare sit next to you on the bus, ever! Fortunately, or unfortunately depending on how you look at things, there were no customer reviews at time of publication for this “interesting” fashion forward item. For people who want to complete their look in the most realistic way possible, there is urine available for purchase on Amazon as well for the competitive price of $14.95 so you can mask yourself in the musky scent of Coyote Urine. Repel coworkers, scare children, and finally get the neighbour’s dog to stop peeing on your lawn!
14. 55 Gallons Of Lubricant
Lubrication can be a beautiful thing, but who has the need for 55 gallons of lube? Unless you run a booming brothel, odds are most people won’t need more than a gallon or two of lubricant at a time. At $1336.20 dollars you might be questioning how you’re going to fill your time now that you’ve spent all of your fun money on a giant drum of lube. Sellers boast this product is great for impressing friends, Bachelor/Bachelorette parties, wrestling matches and more. How are you ever going to find out if you can beat the Guinness World Record for largest adult party unless you try? After all, this giant canister of lube is the ultimate conversation starter. Note: the current record is 250 couples at one time and was held in a warehouse. Why not purchase some interesting products on Amazon to clean up afterwards, We strongly suggest some glow in the dark TP, priced at just $10.99?
13. Live Bugs For Birthday Parties
Bugs aren’t on the usual shopping list, but with Amazon budding entomologists can order live bugs 24-7. Want a hissing cockroach? No problem, it’s boasted as a good “beginner bug”, although we’re not sure what that means. Reviews rave at how amazing these little vermin are as pets, and at only $10.98 a pop you can save the rest of your hard earned cash for fumigation time. People who want to start with something a little cuter than El Cucaracha can try their hand at ordering live ladybugs. They come at a steal of a deal for just $6.25 you can order 1500 ladybugs. Most people order them to control pests in their gardens, but they’re also boasted as great for kids, school projects, and birthday parties. Make little Timmy the talk of the town by sending each child home with 100 ladybugs after a serving of ice cream cake!
12. Tampon Flasks
Concerts are expensive. Don’t get me started on the cost of artisanal bourbon, water bottles, or warm Bud Light. Now you can bring your own booze, Fresca, or other banned substances to concerts, sporting events, or even that Christian camp mom and dad send you to in hope that they’ll fix you (come on there’s no fixing you). Behold the 5-pack tampon flask. This is essentially a series of test tubes for you to store whatever you want discreetly in generic tampon wrappers, for $13.95— less money than a single beer at some venues. Most women know that even though security will check your purse, they aren’t big fans of fondling hygiene products, so this really is an ingenious invention for anyone who loves a good tailgate party. One happy customer says, “I’ve used these at bars, clubs, and even concerts where they checked bags and they have never been discovered. I usually put them in a mini cosmetic bag (with some real tampons mixed in lol) and usually no one will bother it. Each tampon is about a shot and the funnel helps it from becoming a mess.”
11. A Real Baroque Painting
They say if it’s not Baroque, don’t fix it. Now that you’re done groaning let’s talk about this collectible and yummy looking painting of squash, melon, pears, figs, peaches, and grapes. Baroque artwork is said to contain common characteristics such as grandeur (like a $315,000 price tag), as well as sensuality and realism. The art from the Baroque period is representative of both political and cultural changes across Europe in the 17th Century. This painting by Giuseppe Ruoppolo, a Neapolitan Painter, is characteristic of his other work, as he was well known for painting still life. He is also known for standing in the shadow of his much more famous brother, Giovanni Battista Ruoppolo, whose paintings probably cost a lot more than this one, but unfortunately aren’t for sale on Amazon (we checked). Several of his paintings are on display at the Paris Louvre Room 18, so it might be a better investment to travel there and view them in person. We like fruit as much as the next person, but you think that the price tag is a bit prohibitive, but the cost of the original art includes a wooden frame and shipping insurance. Sibling rivalry shouldn’t cost this much!
10. A Personal Tattoo Removal Laser
Some items you expect to find more in specialty shops than online on Amazon, but apparently some members literally want one stop shopping for all of their wildest needs, whether they be professionally related (we hope) or personally related (shudder). For $192 you can order an infant circumcision trainer on Amazon. This product is great for nursing and therapy students, however you have to ask yourself why it’s for sale on Amazon instead of say a medical supply store. One customer asked about using this model for practice before their child arrived, thankfully customer service replied quickly stating that they, “do not recommend performing any medical procedures unless you are a medical professional”. Others who feel they don’t need professionals to perform risky procedures can purchase a tattoo removal laser on amazon for just $38.98. We understand the prospect of tattoo regret, but perhaps an ‘at home’ removal could make an initial bad decision even worse.
9. Presidential-Themed Toilet Paper
No matter how you feel about the results of the presidential election in the US, Amazon has products for sale that can help you alienate friends and families of any political affiliation at your next big gathering. For those who can’t wait for Obama to get the boot from the White House you can purchase some Obama toilet paper. It’s two ply, comes in three packs, and for just $8.39. One customer says, “Yes, you can do your patriotic duty down to the last sheet.” If you want to have Hillary help you clean up your messes down below you’ll need to spend a little more to the tune of $22.99 a roll. For those who really want to up their offensiveness game, consider ordering the Donald Trump Vagina Costume online for just $69.99 plus $5.49 for shipping and handling. This horrifying costume is the stuff that nightmares are made of. You’ll be haunting anyone who sees this in their nightmares in a way that Freddy Krueger was never capable.
8. An Almost Million Dollar Movie Poster
Movie fans will do a lot of things to get closer to their favourite films, but are they willing to spend three quarters of a million dollars? Probably not, no matter how great the movie is! Boris Karloff in The Old Dark House from 1932 is a very rare find for horror fans. The seller insists that this movie poster is even more of a rarity than film posters for Frankenstein and Dracula. This poster is one of only two known copies available, and in better condition than its only mate. Once again, it’s the reviewers who take the cake in terms of providing masterfully executed commentary on the extravagance of purchasing a movie poster, in a wooden frame for an insane price, even if there is free shipping provided. One reviewer says, “I can’t believe I finally own one! Of course, I had to sell both of my daughters to a Saudi Sheikh to get it, but I always wanted them to marry into money and do some traveling, anyways. The wife was so up in arms about it that I sold her, too! Now I can admire my super rare poster on my new fishing boat! It’s what I call a win/win. Amazon truly has everything!”
7. Rare Meat Delicacies & Zombie Fare
Ever treat yourself to a real expensive meal? What about an entire month filled with the most expensive beef around? This meat is the ultimate guilty pleasure and indulgence, because it costs thousands of dollars and is gone by morning. Well with 20 lbs of meat it probably will last longer depending on who gets invited over for dinner. One customer review noted, “Best deal ever. Your basic ‘hey I need 3000$ worth of steak’ sort of a day and there it was.” The product description promises beef that has rich marbling, a delectable flavour with buttery tenderness. For those with beer instead of champagne budgets consider purchasing some bright green zombie jerky on Amazon for just $7.43. It may not be a regular delicacy, but with its patented “Teriyucky” flavour your guests will be talking! Remember, “The undead are not just for drinking – but for eating too! Zombie Jerky is a delicious slimy green beef jerky made from 100% real zombies (or cows as some people call them)”.
6. Questionable Dog Clothing
Some people love their private bathroom time. Golfers can enjoy a putt or two while they poo poo with their very own potty putter…. a putting green that connects directly to your toilet bowl and is only $5.99. Customers seem fairly satisfied, save for one who wanted cleaning instructions after his grandfather accidentally urinated all over the green. That’s a sure fire way to have your membership revoked! Other strange pastimes that Amazon is readily available to help you indulge in include pet costumes, most notably one that will allow you to dress Fido up like he’s Marilyn Monroe in the iconic white dress for only $25.49. Fake doggie breasts are included. One happy customer says, “I bought this for my English Bulldog last Halloween along with the JFK adult mask for my husband. When the two of them hit the streets to trick or treat with our son it was a riot, they were like two celebrities.”
5. The Most Epically Bling Paper Weight
In 1975, the phenomenon of the pet rock fad swept the country, and 1.5 million pet rocks were sold, with a notable increase during the holiday season. At the time these pet rocks cost $4 a piece. Today Amazon shoppers can have a pet rock of their own, but without the googley eyes, and for the low price of 30K. This museum collection masterpiece of a rock isn’t just a random rock collected on a beach (like the pet rock), but a giant natural Tibet Himalayan crystal quartz point cluster geode. This rock weighs a whopping 94.7 pounds and would make one heck of a paper weight! It is also believed to possess Reiki healing powers. For someone with tens of thousands they want to spend, simply say “I want to rock” and then ‘check out’ on Amazon. Shipping is free, but if the postal worker delivering to your house has a hernia they may never forgive you!
4. Architecture Themed Bling
Real estate in New York is insanely expensive, and so is this literal arm and hand candy designed after the architecture of New York. The bracelet, which costs an unbelievable $245,000 is hand crafted and one of a kind, so people looking for a matching pair of frosted cuffs are going to have to lay down their quadruple platinum cards elsewhere. The 28.5 carat cuff has 596 pave set diamonds and is described as, “both the soul and spirit of New York – the iconic ‘bones’ of Manhattan are incorporated in the design to convey the spirit and tone that are irrevocably Manhattan”. For that price it better be! What would be better to match this cuff than a 100K ring designed after NYC’s Chrysler Building. This ring is 18k and isn’t going to place number two next to anything else with 14.4700 carat white diamonds. The tribute is “set in stone” with, “high-quality baguette-cut diamonds lighting up each and every row and elegant black onyx trillions bring the Chrysler windows to life for a perfect finishing touch.” Eat your heart out Kim Kardashian (was this joke too soon?).
3. Pimp Pen From Another Realm
This is a pen based on the concept of a Guardian Angel, you know someone who looks out for you during times of trouble or uncertainty. This 18K good luck charm is supposed to pay tribute to similar objects from the past including Greek worry beads, rosaries or a lucky rabbit’s foot. This hand crafted talisman of sorts is for sale, and created by the luxury Italian company, in a lucky gold pen with inlaid sky-blue enamel and turquoise detail. The incredibly ornate design has an angel standing, with sword and shield, and the pen clip as the angel’s wings. It appears the purchase also includes the offer of coordinating cufflinks and wristwatches (no details are available on the costs of these). Once again the reviews for this product are highly entertaining. One reviewer comments, “Wow I never thought I would find the magical pen I lost in the third realm. This pen takes me through Narnia and back without needing a closet.” Another reviewer says, “Are you a Columbian drug lord? If so, this is the pen for you! You will be respected by all who oppose you. The pen is light, yet has weight. There’s nothing like furiously slamming your 82K pen that was acquired through your hard work and lots of dope in front of the boosh that thinks he can play you.”
2. Designer Boot Covers
You have to wonder if these are what Heisenberg himself used in his meth lab on the hit series Breaking Bad to warrant the hefty price tag of $49,238.00 on Amazon. Sure, at an extra-large size there is certainly more material to cover your kicks, but these are boot covers, not exquisite gems or heirlooms. The patented (we assume it’s patented since it cost so much) AquaTrak material boasts keeping you stable and protected in both wet and dry conditions, and was designed with anti-skid properties for ultimate fall protection. One satisfied sarcastic customer says, “Boi I ain’t never scuffed my shoes with these, they be clean, I coulda used some trash bags but they don’t offer protection like these!” What we found when we looked at the fine print for the listing was that there are actually 100 pairs of AquaTrak boots per case for sale, but that still makes them pricey, just not quite as ridiculous. Christian Louboutin, eat your heart out, there’s a new $500 pair of shoes in town, and these models aren’t going to slip on the cat walk!
1. Multi-Million Dollar Sports Memorabilia
Sports fans say they’ll bleed for their favourite team. They’ll paint their faces, tailgate, defend their hero of a player online to trolls who don’t understand the depth of their talent, but are they really willing to put their money where their mouth is? Joe Namath is a football legend, no one is doubting that, but is an autographed jersey worthy of the $39,839,900.00 original price tag on Amazon? Probably not unless it turns the buyer into Namath in his prime, and even then it may not be worth the massive fee.*
For anyone who wants to spend tens of thousands of dollars on a single purchase instead of millions, consider ordering these four baseball cards. 91K for four baseball cards may seem ridiculous, consider this steal of a deal, the card was $127,273.99 and since has been recently reduced to the bargain basement price of $90,909.99. Odds are even Prince Fielder might think for a millisecond before he handed over his credit card for these four baseball cards.
*Recently this post was edited to a more nominal fee of $499.99. Perhaps this was a very pricey PR stunt?
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