Unfortunately for us, we are surrounded everyday by douchebags. They cut us off in traffic, they stand in the doorway at the entrance to the grocery store for absolutely no reason, they use the left-hand side of the escalator to stand perfectly still even though everyone knows the right side is for that purpose. God help us if we spend time in places where douchebags are known to congregate such as the gym or bar, it only gets worse from there. And if you’re in a place with more douchebags per capita than other locales such as, say, New Jersey, well let’s just say we’re praying for you.
Like the rest of us, douchebags still have to make a living, so it’s worth addressing what career paths are most appealing to these obnoxious, lame creatures. Do you think douchebags have, like, a special guidance counselor in high school who sits them down and is like “Listen, Chad, I hate to tell you this but I want to punch your face and you’re never going to make anything of yourself so you either drop out now or buy a tattoo kit off eBay and start tatting some sweet, sweet pig skin bruh”?
I guess they always have the option of attending one of those prestigious “colleges” advertised in-between announcements of who is the father on the Maury Povich show.
15. Bar Bouncer
Bouncers provide a valuable service, they make sure we’re not accidentally hitting on 17-year-olds, keep the uglies from flooding the bar, and are the first to remove a slob who can’t handle his liquor at the first sign of trouble. In short, they’re amazing people and we should be grateful for them.
But for some strange reason, the job also attracts an unfair number of douchebags. And these aren’t the kind you could take in a fight, they’re the kind who hold all the power and could crush you between their toes if they felt like it. No matter how big of a douche the bouncer is, you’d be wise to nod your head, hand over your ID, and pretend like he isn’t a giant douche on steroids standing between you and a good time at the bar that night.
Alright we get it, lifeguards are a pretty big deal. They literally save lives, when they aren’t working on their tan, which is most of the time. So, basically, there’s a .0001% chance they might save a life at some point and that fact alone brings out the wild douche in these seaside creatures. And if your lifeguard comes with neon wraparounds forget it, he’s like an evolved Pokemon of douchery and you should proceed with caution.
The problem is exacerbated at suburban community pools, which are often staffed by douches-in-training in the form of hormone-ravaged teen boys who thought working at the Stop n’ Shop for the summer would be really lame. So instead, they’re douching around poolside sniggering at you for being such a fat, pale loser.
What do consultants even do? Have you ever asked one this question? They’ll have a lot of fancy phrases for what it is they think they do, but assuming you don’t speak business jargon you’re right back at your original question after sitting down with them for half an hour as they describe workflow and organizational disruption.
Consulting is perfect for douchebags because it gives them the opportunity to travel constantly, deal with people they barely know, and validate their miserable existence by talking up work they do which only they understand. While we’re on the topic, they probably don’t even know what they actually do either. It’s like “what my mom thinks I do” memes except all the squares are filled with meaningless pictures of handshakes, conference rooms, and TSA pat downs.
12. Reality Show Star
When MTV’s The Real World debuted in 1992, it was considered the first reality show, at least of its time. It was, in fact, preceded by a PBS documentary called An American Family which aired in 1973. Regardless, those involved in the making of either show surely had no clue the monster of reality TV they played a part in releasing upon the world thanks to their ground-breaking shows.
Nowadays, you’ve got to be a real wanker to even think about getting on a reality show. And gone are the days of bright-eyed bumpkin Julie and Cross-Colours-clad Kevin on the first Real World, nah, you’ve got to sign on to sleep with at least six of your roommates to even be considered for the next season of the Real World. Which, perplexingly enough is still somehow on the air.
Money. Power. Cocaine. Mortgage-backed Securities. No wonder so many jackwagons are drawn to Wall Street like moths to a really, really expensive flame.
Although fictional, American Psycho‘s Patrick Bateman is probably one of the best-known examples of Wall Street douche turned axe-wielding killer. With his extensive skin care routine and washboard abs, he wasn’t just a pretty face in an expensive suit but a total douchenozzle on top of it. Murder aside, of course.
It is proven scientific fact* that douchebags are attracted to power, as such stockbrokers have a higher douche-to-decent guy ratio than nearly any other job on this entire list.
You can take even the most humble, decent of dudes but hand him a MacBook Pro and a pair of headphones and he’s suddenly off to the douchebag races like a jacked up Greyhound running a dog track. It starts subtly with him sending you Facebook invites to hear him on the 1s and 2s at Aunt Sarah’s Pancake House on Thursday night, but quickly explodes into Defcon 2 Douchebaggery once he lands his first honest-to-goodness DJ gig. Even if that gig is spinning for a middle school dance.
As his DJing skills improve, so does his stereotypical doucheness, and while his skills might top out at, say, Paris Hilton level, his potential for being a giant chode is infinite. You better decline that Facebook event, bruh.
9. Club Promoter
We all have that one friend (I use the term “friend” as loosely as humanly possible here) who seems to be at all the parties all the time as if that’s his job or something, and it actually is. The club promoter’s entire existence revolves around convincing you to show up at his client’s club even though it’s Thursday, the girls there are always unremarkable, and they somehow think they can charge $15 a drink.
A good chunk of the promoter’s life is spent making himself appear as though he’s having a good time on Instagram, so expect Olympic-level douching it up for the camera, usually surrounded mostly by other guys who are also douches trying to make themselves seem more interesting than they actually are. Warning: never double tap his pics or you’ll be getting invites to the alleged hottest club for months.
If you really think about it, gynecology is perfect for douchebags except for the fact that it’s in the medical profession and as such requires dedication, good grades, more dedication, and at least some shred of bedside manner that doesn’t frighten women away. Actually, becoming an OB/GYN can take up to 15 years, while most douchebags are lucky if they can get through the rigorous DeVry University application process before giving up because it’s too hard.
Still, if a douchenugget can get that far, gynecology offers an unlimited stream of half-naked honeys who are actually paying you to check out the goods. And he can tell his patients jokes like this: Why did the gynecologist go to the eye doctor? Because things were looking a little fuzzy.
7. Independent Distributor
We all have an independent distributor or two in our lives. Usually, this person is someone you barely remember from high school who claims to make an exciting living offering Be Your Own Boss opportunities that somehow involve lipstick or leggings or those non-candle wax things that smell really good? Oh, and let’s not forget Shakeology, there’s always the guy carrying around 25 extra pounds and an “exclusive” Shakeology code that he constantly spams Facebook with.
No matter how many times you tell this person you don’t need glorified rolls of plastic wrap with which to melt off the pounds around your middle, they are always inviting you to their sales parties and posting memes about how sorry they feel for people with real jobs. Avoid this douche at all costs, unless you need those smelly wax things for your house, those are actually pretty good.
6. YouTube Vlogger
Back in the day, people had to be at least moderately remarkable to get any kind of attention from others, unless they were crazy and stood on the corner screaming about Jesus and nuclear war. As we all know, all it takes nowadays to gather a decent following is a webcam and a punchable face.
While some vloggers offer important services such as the unboxing of toys or tricks on how to do your makeup to look like Kim Kardashian, a large majority of them are giant festering douchebags on the butt of society, wasting precious gigabytes staring at their reflections in the glow of their MacBooks and rambling on about minute details of their day that not even their mother cares about. Listen, xxJoeyxxthrash, it just isn’t going to happen. No. One. Cares.
5. Tattoo Artist
Tattooing is an art form, and as such the industry is filled with incredible, talented artists who do on skin what not even the most skilled painters can do on canvas. They turn their clients into living, breathing works of art.
But then you have the douchebags. They never bother learning to do a decent script, because the basic chicks coming in to get “live, laugh, love” on their shoulders under an infinity symbol aren’t going to care if the text looks a little sloppy. Besides, he gets enough practice repeating this tattoo five more times on all her girlfriends who also came to the shop that day.
Hey bartender, I get it, you are the absolute most important person in the bar. Without you, there’s no reason whatsoever to even be here, might as well pick up a handle of whiskey and hang from the back of an open pickup truck gate chain-smoking and complaining about our problems. And that muddling thing you do with mint, wow. I bet that took some serious effort to learn. Not to mention how fun it is to watch you jostle a martini shaker back and forth with both skill and anger. Cheers.
But let’s not forget that you’re providing a service, which your customer is paying for. If we wanted to pour our own booze, we’d be at home with no pants on covered in a mound of empty Budweiser cans. So drop that douchetastic attitude and pour another round.
3. High School Gym Teacher
Nothing says douche like a fat guy in an ill-fitting sweatsuit yelling at you to run faster while he stands in all his velour glory on the side of the track doing absolutely nothing. Well, scratch that, he’s burning a few calories from yelling. Better put that in your Fit Bit, Mr. Johnson.
The high school gym teacher often doubles as the driver’s ed teacher and, in some schools, he’s also the last-minute substitute teacher for that one class full of misfits whose alcoholic regular teacher is prone to taking copious sick days. So he does have a pretty tough job, what with sitting around taking sips of Irish coffee from his Polk High Class of 1989 mug.
We’ll give credit where credit is due, however: the gym teacher is the kind of douche who stopped giving a crap about his job years ago, therefore he’s most likely to look the other way if he catches you smoking a cigarette in the locker room.
In order to be the kind of person who pulls a paycheck for calling people at odd hours of the day and night to sell them things they don’t want, you have to be a massive douchebag. On a scale of one to The Situation, you’re like two Pauly Ds and a pair of cut-off Ed Hardy jeans.
No one says they’re going to be a telemarketer when they grow up, it’s just something that happens when your parents finally throw you out of the basement and you realize stuff costs money.
We could also lump debt collectors here, though debt collectors are more like people who got bullied a lot in school and couldn’t, for whatever reason, get into the police academy. Basically anyone who picks up a phone to bother you is definitely a Grade A douche.
1. Listicle Writer
No offense to my esteemed colleagues, but it takes a special kind of douche to sit down and develop an entire list of bands douchebags listen to, or cars douchebags love to drive, or — here it comes — jobs that attract the most douchebags. One would have to be totally bankrupt of self-awareness to realize what a douche they are for casting judgment on people just because they’re into The Offspring. Come on though, Offspring are pretty douchey. Maybe they weren’t that bad 20 years ago but if you’re still regularly jamming to “Come Out and Play” in the Nissan Quest with your three Cheeto-stained kids, maybe it’s time to grow up and switch over to NPR already. So yeah, you probably are a douche.
Surely not everyone called to the art of writing listicles falls on the douche spectrum, but I’d be remiss if I didn’t at least acknowledge the possibility that yeah, even I probably have a recessive douche gene or two.