When the word “smokeshow” entered the common lexicon, the person coining it had to have had Chrissy Teigen in mind. I first noticed her in 2010 when she was featured in that year’s Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. Not since my wisdom teeth were removed have I drooled so copiously. There’s literally nothing about the supermodel and TV host that doesn’t inspire an American Revolution-level “uprising” down below. Standing five feet nine inches tall and sporting a body that features perfect skin, more curves than a railroad track, and legs that don’t seem to end, Teigen is the entire package.
Unfortunately, she’s off the market. And if we’re being honest, none of us are likely to supplant John Legend as the guy she shares a bed with. Not only is he good-looking, rich and talented, he’s an Ivy League graduate from UPenn. Legend has so much going for himself that Howard Stern told him in an interview, “I hope you have a small [member].” Legend said, “I hate to disappoint you,” implying his member is anything but small. So John Legend, the guy from whom we’re all trying to steal Chrissy Teigen, is good-looking, talented and hung. I’ve always said God should allow dudes to pick two out of three from that basket. Having all three gives you too big an advantage over other guys — case in point, John Legend locking down Chrissy Teigen. Here are the 15 hottest Chrissy Teigen Instagram posts.
15. V-Day Love
Nothing says Happy Valentine’s Day like Chrissy Teigen in fishnet stockings, a red thong, a fur slung over her shoulder, sporting a sultry expression. Oh, and there’s the fact that her right breast is completely exposed save for a red heart taped to her nipple. In the three-second video clip, she slowly moves her arm away from her breast, starts to slide the fur off, but tells us we have to visit another page — no doubt someone who’s paying her for the views — to see any more. Spoiler alert: I took the plunge (who wouldn’t?) but unfortunately, the goods aren’t on display. And how about the losers in the comments section saying things like “eww” and chastising her for being a poor role model for her kids? Her kids are going to be so good-looking they’ll get whatever they want in life. Keep doing what you’re doing, Chrissy.
14. Kissing The T-Rex
Apparently the closest Chrissy comes to stepping out on John involves kissing plastic Visa cards and purse company dinosaur mascots. Here she’s shown puckering up for “Rexy the Coach Dino,” which I assume is associated with Coach handbags. I love the caption she uses with this one: “Don’t tell John!” Clearly they have a healthy marriage if the idea of infidelity is so foreign to them that they’re making jokes about cheating with wooden dinosaur mascots. Her outfit in this pic, like everything else she wears, looks incredible on her, though I wish she’d move her arm and that stupid dinosaur so we could see how she fills it out. Since there’s nothing more salacious to look at here, I finally took notice of her cheekbones, which are just ridiculously high and perfect. What does it say about a chick when she has a flawless face yet it takes an average dude 11 pics to notice it because her body is so bangin’?
The wind can be a real pain in the you-know-where on the golf course or the tennis court, but it sure is stepping up here and doing the male gender a solid. If she could clone those legs and sell them to other women, she could retire from modeling and her husband would never have to sing another song. If you see typos in this paragraph, you’ll have to forgive me, because I just pasted the photo above where I’m typing and I’m certainly not looking at my text block right now. Some men might get turned off by the baby in the pic, but to me it just adds to her hotness. She gave birth less than a year ago and still looks like that? Hubba hubba. And let’s be real, who among us hasn’t looked at Chrissy Teigen with her baby and fantasized that we had a hand in conceiving it?
I’ve wished to be a lot of things in my life — richer, smarter, better looking, taller, a baller, and so forth — but never a wooden swing, at least until I saw this pic. Her face looks absolutely gorgeous here, and the white blouse brings out the beautiful olive complexion of her perfect skin. But again, it’s the legs that have my eyes glued. Apparently this pic was taken for an Elle magazine photoshoot in Australia, which makes sense if you think about it because I’m sure a lot of guys looking at it right now have something stirring down under. So far we’ve seen Chrissy looking sultry, seductive, nurturing, and now just plain beautiful. There’s an old saying that no matter how good a girl looks, there’s a guy who’s tired of sleeping with her. But I bet that saying was coined before Chrissy Teigen was a household name.
11. Puckering Up
When Chrissy Teigen puckers up for a kiss, it’s hot, even when it’s a freaking credit card on the receiving end of her affection. Her lips are perfect — not over the top like Angelina’s, but full enough that you just know a round of tonsil hockey with her would be something to remember. She says she’s switching to Chase because of the rewards points for travel and dining, but come on, if I were female and looked that good, I’d never own a credit card in my entire life, nor would I ever spend any of my own money. Do you really think Chrissy Teigen is walking into a bar and paying for her own apple martini? Get real. Instead of doing credit card commercials, she should be advertising products by telling dudes they can land a chick like her if they buy a certain car or wear a specific type of cologne. It’d be the most successful marketing campaign ever conceived.
10. The Cosmo Cover
Chrissy graced the December 2016 cover of Cosmopolitan magazine. Right next to her photo, in bold letters, reads, “HAVE SEXIER SEX!! Naughty Tips to Get You THERE…” We understand this is a common tactic used by Cosmopolitan to sell magazines: juxtapose lascivious text with a picture of a hot celebrity, even though the article about Chrissy has nothing to do with naughty sex or how to reach the big “O”. Still, you can’t deny it’s hot to read something like that while looking at a pic of Chrissy Teigen. I’ll leave you alone with that mental image for a minute; I’m taking a quick break myself. Although Chrissy doesn’t reveal how to have sexier sex, apparently the article, which I admittedly haven’t read, features something about the “bedtime ritual” that keeps her marriage “hot.” I’m pretty sure going to bed with Chrissy Teigen every night would keep most dudes’ marriages hot.
9. All Business
Here, Chrissy Teigen is preparing to speak at a post-merger town hall held by now-combined talent agency WME|ING. The companies joined forces in 2016 in a deal purportedly worth a smooth $2.5 billion, becoming the world’s largest talent agency. Clearly the merger worked, because they know how to identify “talent.” Accompanying Teigen on stage at the event is none other than one of the greatest directors of all time, Martin Scorsese — no big deal. Teigen is not only beautiful but can hang with some of the most brilliant minds in the entertainment industry. So for all you dudes who lie and claim intelligence and personality and stuff like that matters, now you have an excuse for drooling over Chrissy Teigen. The rest of us superficial simpletons will be over here staring at this pic — her face is legitimately perfect in it.
8. Being All Domestic
If looking at Chrissy in a midriff shirt and short shorts doesn’t have your mouth watering, take a look at that pan of eggs and read her caption about the Mother’s Day lunch she’s cooking. I’d eat tofu wrapped in spam and served with dog food if Chrissy Teigen served it to me, but bacon and eggs, chicken and waffles? I think I’m in love. Also impressive to me is how the kitchen in that pic looks like it’s part of a regular house as opposed to an opulent mansion. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure she lives an extravagant lifestyle, but it’s an incredible turn-on to see one of the world’s most beautiful women — who’s also filthy rich — appear comfortable in a homey setting and not being waited on hand and foot. Also, this pic was taken mere WEEKS after she had her kid. I mean, wow!
7. Uber Ride
Imagine being an Uber driver and getting a buzz on your app for a ride. You arrive at the pickup location and Chrissy Teigen is holding out her phone and flagging you down. Talk about one of those good days Ice Cube once sang about. You’re just doing your job, shuttling drunk passengers from place to place and trying to make a living, when all of a sudden the most gorgeous creature alive climbs into your car. Unfortunately, this particular driver’s buzz was killed by one minor detail: to Chrissy’s right, just out of the picture frame, sits her husband, the aforementioned good-looking, talented, hung superstar, John Legend. He explains that they’re taking an Uber because he ran over a pothole and flattened a tire on their car. I hope the Uber driver at least talked some smack and then showed Chrissy how a real man drives.
6. Showing Loyalty
Alright, I realize that a picture featuring twice as many good-looking dudes as good-looking chicks might not qualify as a hot Chrissy Teigen Instagram post for most of the fellas reading, but allow me to make a couple quick counterpoints. One, there’s no such thing as a Chrissy Teigen photo that isn’t a hot Chrissy Teigen photo, so there’s that. Moreover, there’s something subtle about this pic that ratchets Chrissy up yet another notch in my book to stratospheric levels. Look at her arm placement as she stands between John Legend and Ryan Gosling. Both dudes have their arm around her, but she only has hers around her husband. Flanked to her right is Ryan Gosling, one of the most universally desired men on earth, and she’s not even touching him. In fact, scroll through her Instagram and you’ll find nary a photo of her hanging on another dude, even in a friendly way. Any chick loyal enough to resist the Gosling is wife material.
5. Looking Presidential
Just wanted to make sure everyone was still paying attention. I also figured there might be some dudes out there who need a quick break from Teigen pics for health reasons. You know what the Viagra commercials say about having one for longer than four hours. If this pic doesn’t move Private Longfellow from “standing at attention” to “at ease,” nothing will. Teigen’s caption accompanying her post makes it clear she’s not a fan of our current commander-in-chief. I’m not big on celebrities bloviating about politics, and I think most Americans are getting tired of it — look at how the Oscars TV ratings tanked this year. But when it’s not a ten-minute hysterical rant but a spunky, one-line jab, there’s something sexy about it, especially coming from someone like Chrissy Teigen. But then again, what has Chrissy Teigen ever done that isn’t sexy?
4. Purple Gloves
If you look at this photo long enough, at some point you might notice she’s wearing a pair of purple gloves all the way up to her mid-bicep. Not a lot of women can pull that look off, but Chrissy Teigen could don the attire worn by ISIS women and I’d still be sportin’ wood. I thought Kate Upton had the most perfect proportions of any woman on the planet, but poring over Chrissy’s Instagram posts is quickly changing my mind. How awesome would it be if the two women went head to head and did a sexy photo spread together so we could all compare and determine who gets the crown for most flawless female specimen? I’d hate to be the guy who mops the floor at the shoot location. And once again, what’s with the haters leaving comments? I guess if you ain’t got haters you ain’t poppin’, but insulting Chrissy Teigen’s looks is about as logical as saying LeBron sucks at basketball.
3. Oscars Night
I’m not going to lie, I have no idea who those other two chicks are, but let them serve as a lesson to all you chicks reading — NEVER ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE PHOTOGRAPHED NEXT TO CHRISSY TEIGEN. Especially when she’s decked out for the Oscars. Even if you’re legitimately hot, you’re going to come out looking bad in the photo. It’s like driving a Lexus or BMW, normally you feel pretty confident cruising down the highway, but then you park it next to a Maserati on Palm Beach and all of a sudden you look like a scrub. Imagine seeing this pic on a dating app. You swipe right and pray, “Please let it be the chick on the right.” Then you get a match notification, and of course your first question is which chick are you? If she responds left or middle, call me an insensitive jerk, but I’m asking if the chick on the right is single and if I can have her number.
2. Grammys Black Dress
It’d be nice if this one showed a little more skin, but good God — all she needs is some sand to go with that hourglass. I continued my lifelong run of never watching an awards show by skipping the Grammys this year, but seeing Chrissy in that black dress makes me wish I’d ended my streak. I think I could put up with self-righteous celebrities stirring up political drama and pretending to care about the environment (even as they’re flying stylists on private jets from literally the other side of the world just to pluck their eyebrows — yes this actually happened at the Oscars this year, cough, Leo, cough) if it means getting to watch Chrissy strut around even for a few minutes. Notice she’s photographed alone here. I’d bet money there’s a gaggle of other chicks just outside of view who hightailed it out of there as soon as someone produced a camera so they wouldn’t be pictured next to Chrissy.
1. Baring All
If you keep up with Chrissy on Instagram, you had to know I was saving this one for the #1 spot. I’ve never been more jealous of a red chair in my life. Look at how the blonde chick can’t take her eyes off her. I doubt she’s even a lesbian, but why not acknowledge perfection when you see it? If this isn’t the most fantasized about picture on the internet this year, please don’t show me what is, because I doubt I could handle it. I think this pic is actually hotter the way she’s positioning her body to cover the good stuff than if she gave us a full frontal. It gives the imagination more room to run wild, and female celebs usually start going downhill after they show it all. But I sure wouldn’t complain were she to decide to take that risk.