While there certainly are places in the very southern parts of the United States and, of course, Hawaii, where you’ll find babes on the beach every day, it’s now that time of the year when the rest of the country gets in on the act and those beaches that have been barren since Labor Day are starting once again to swell with sexy ladies.
But of course, they’d never be caught dead wearing what they had on last year because it’s so, well… last year. Those who are at the top of the fashion food chain spoke several months ago and let the rest of the world know what would be popular on the beaches this coming year while the rest of us were opening our Christmas presents.
For guys, it’s simple. Put on a pair of shorts, and if you have a gut, please wear a T-shirt. And never, no matter how much or how little you’re packing down there, wear a Speedo. The beach is not where the Olympic swimming trials are held, so there’s no excuse to wear those ball-huggers.
Even ladies who don’t have a lot of money can still look fashionable. The big designers release their edicts about beach fashion far enough in advance that it allows the knock-off designers, who fill the big-box discount stores, plenty of time to follow-up and produce affordable copycat creations. So, don’t forget to put on a suitable SPF and remember to reapply as you’re gawking. Here’s your preview of 15 Hot Beachwear Trends for 2017.
15. Swimsuits To Get Married In
We can understand everything on this list, some perhaps more than others, but they’ve all seemed beach-appropriate so far, and most of these things have had their peaks and valleys in the past, like the animal prints. You’re always going to find a woman in leopard print on a beach whether it happens to be “hot” or “not” that year. But this one… has us scratching our heads. The summer of 2017 will be known as the summer of the swimsuit bride, according to several sources. White bikinis or one-piece swimsuits with lace trim cut in styles that look like they could double as wedding dresses will be seen on beaches. Maybe this is brilliant. A lot of people get married on the beach. Now they can actually put on beachwear that’s wedding appropriate. But if you’re not getting married, wearing a wedding dress bikini on an average day is like wearing a regular bikini to a wedding. Thankfully, on the right female, it’s sexy either way.
14. Hello, Yellow
We’re not a big fan of the color and don’t know why. Maybe Big Bird traumatized us when we were kids, but apparently, according to all of the big designers and fashion journalists, get used to seeing a lot of women in our least favorite primary color this year as it should be THE swimsuit color of 2017. It’s not like it’s going to make us look away, so we can live with it. We just think white or black is so much sexier. It really is just about a woman matching the cut of the bathing suit with her body type. Most of that is just accepting where her body is great, where her body is average, where her body is not great, and knowing how to work with what’s available at the store. In all truth, we actually prefer nude beaches, but that makes creating a list of swimwear trends next to impossible. It’s not that we wouldn’t want to try, though.
13. Tassels, Tassels, Tassels
For those guys reading this who’ve been in relationships and have to deal with a woman who asks how they look in a certain outfit, they’ll understand how pointless the tassel on a swimsuit is. It’s just an accessory. If the woman likes it, cool. If she doesn’t, whatever. A lot of designers seem to be experimenting with tassels in 2017, and if they make a woman happy, great. But there are going to be boyfriends and husbands all over being asked, “Honey, do you like my tassels” when they see their girl’s new bikini this year and who’ll be whisked back to some strip club somewhere where an exotic dancer asked them the same thing. The girlfriend or wife is going to say, “Hey…what are you thinking about?” and the guy will say, “Nothing, I love your tassels.” He’s a keeper. He knows how to answer questions.
12. Halter? I Can Barely Take My Eyes Off Her!
There’s nothing technically sexy about halter tops, the less athletic cousin of the sports bra, but there’s just something about a woman wearing one that makes us wonder what they’re hiding. As part of a bikini, it actually covers a heck of a lot, but there’s something very sexy about it. It takes the emphasis off the breasts, much like the crop top, but not in the same concealing way. It’s almost flirty in a “you’re never going to get to see what’s under here” sort of way, and designers know this, often cutting out parts of the material. A halter top can also be a great choice for a woman who wants to draw attention to her stomach, especially a nice flat one or one with good abs. It’s no string bikini, but done the right way, can be even more sexy.
11. High Waist Bottoms…Let’s Hope This Fad Goes Fast
We’re here to report the beachwear trends of 2017, even the stupid ones that we don’t like, and this one tops that list. These bottoms look like things strongmen who used to twist their moustaches would wear in the 1930s. They’re just not flattering at all. If a woman has a great body, there’s no reason to hide your belly button and wear what looks like a giant adult diaper. If you have a bit of a tummy or some kind of a scar, this is an alternative, but surely, even in that case, there’s a one-piece or some other option that would complement your body better than this. A beautiful woman is a beautiful woman no matter what, and style is in the eye of the beholder, but there’s a reason why this went out of style in the past.
10. Grrrrr… Animal Prints are Back
We didn’t realize that they had ever gone out of style. We thought they were one of those things that were always in style, but hey, apparently, it’s now officially they’re back according to the top designers and fashion reporters. There must be some kind of algorithm that a computer could figure out or some kind of scientific thing in our DNA that makes a woman look so good in an animal-print bikini, especially the print of a wild animal. Why does a leopard or zebra print immediately make an average woman look hot and a hot woman look amazing? The predicted animal print of 2017 is expected to be that of the cheetah, the fastest land mammal. So men, if you’re going to hit on a woman wearing one of these, asking if she’s fast is sure to be a good idea.
9. Let’s Wrap Those Breasts Like the Gifts They Are
Much like the crop top, bikini tops that wrap the breasts are making a comeback to our beaches in 2017 and are perfect for women who may not be fans of what God gave them up top, especially if they’re active while at the beach. Unlike the crop, which helps the breasts simply blend into the background, the wrap-tops help to push and maneuver things into place perfectly and keep them there. If a woman is going to be running or swimming, this is the kind of top she wants if things tend to move around a lot, if you know what we mean… yeah, you know what we mean. Most wraparounds tend to tie-off in a couple of places, so there’s no fear of losing your top — to the disappointment of male fans everywhere.
8. If Andre The Giant Were A Hot Chick, He’d Approve
Yes, Andre the Giant was a wrestler in the 1980s who died 25 years ago and was the big dude in The Princess Bride. He wasn’t someone we’d ever want to see in a bathing suit, but he did have unique wrestling gear for the time, a one-shoulder singlet, and the swimsuit trend of 2017 of women having one-shoulder wraps for bikini tops — especially black tops — somehow reminds us of those tights Andre the Giant wore when Hulk Hogan bodyslammed him at WrestleMania III. We’ll figure out a way to put that image out of our heads before we overpay for parking at the beach this year. It’s a sexy cut if you love shoulders and can match just about any bottom if you’re the kind of woman who likes to mix-and-match her bikinis. This is another cut we’d suggest slathering on a high number SPF because you don’t want to get much sun in an unorthodox cut like this, especially early in the season.
7. She’s In The Buff! Wait! Dang It, It’s Just the Color!
We mentioned elsewhere on this list that yellow has been crowned as the color of the year on beaches in 2017, but the entire nude family of colors will be popular as well, which is really just a tease. There you are as a typical male, walking down the beach, solving the world’s problems and boom! There’s a totally beautiful woman who forgot her swimsuit! What’s wrong with her! What luck! Then you get closer and realize she’s wearing a swimsuit; it just matches her skin tone. Five minutes later and… holy crap! Another lady forgot her top! Wait… nope. False alarm. This happens again and again and again. It’s like going duck hunting and shooting at a bunch of decoys. It’s not fair for beautiful women to be wearing camouflage at the beach to make men believe for a second that they’re naked. There should be a law. Or is that one second of being wrong so great that it’s stupid to complain? I guess we can get back together at the end of beach season and figure this one out.
6. Gimmie a Side of Lace
As with all clothing, women want to look good and, dare we say, super sexy in their swimsuits, and is there a sexier fabric than lace? For women who may not feel super comfortable wearing a bikini, yet still have a great body, lace is a great compromise. It makes the woman feel like something is covering her, but it’s sheer enough to send the message that the woman is fashionable and has a creatively daring, maybe even naughty side. Obviously, this kind of suit is more for showing off the body than playing tackle football or surfing, but you know what you’re doing before you head to the beach. Dress appropriately. If you’re looking to turn heads, these are a perfect choice for the beach during the summer of 2017 and well, well beyond. They can even double as lingerie if everything else in your collection is dirty.
5. Gimmie a Side of Nothing
We firmly believe that the less you leave to the imagination, the sexier a swimsuit can be. That said, strategic cuts revealing spots of skin on the sides of ladies can actually be sexier than a simple bikini if done correctly, and that style, similar to its cousin utilizing lace listed above, is also expected to be popular on beaches this year. In our opinion, this is almost a more wholesome option than using lace to fill in those holes since to some people, lace sends a certain message where bare skin almost comes with less of a provocative message on the beach. Obviously, if you’re going to choose one of these swimsuits, you’re going to have to think ahead when it comes to tan lines. This is the kind of swimsuit for which you really should slather on the lotion. You don’t want to tan in this at all because those lines are going to look ridiculous if you put on a smaller bikini in public after burning wearing one of these cuts.
4. Super-High Thigh Cuts
If you’re a thigh man (or woman – it’s totally cool to be a thigh woman) you’ll be happy to know that the super-high thigh cut is making a return in many different swimsuits this year. Women with long legs can create the illusion that their gams are even longer with the rounded cut that heads up and around their waist giving a statuesque look. One-piece suits that have deeply sloping V-cuts in the front were a very popular look among supermodels in the late 1990s, and it only took 20 years for that look to make a return. Thankfully, the turbans that were popular back then, worn by the likes of Cindy Crawford and Naomi Campbell, don’t seem to have also arrived in the time machine. This is not a look that can pulled off by women who have short or fat legs. You’ve got to be honest with yourself about this one, ladies.
3. The Return of the Crop Top
In the super-high thigh cuts, we mentioned that it’s important ladies know their bodies before trying to pull off certain looks. If ladies are honest about their bodies, they can also know which ones can help hide and/or accentuate certain body features. Such is the case with the crop top, making a return to beaches during the summer of 2017. If a woman is self-conscious about her breasts, crop tops are fantastic for drawing the eye away from her upper half. If she feels her chest is too large, experts suggest a crop top in a single neutral color. If the woman feels her chest is too small, she should seek a crop top that has a busy print, perhaps floral. It will hide the fact there’s a lack of lady lumps. But we’d like to tell these women that they have nothing to worry about.
2. More See-Through Than Ever Before
When you head down to Spring Break, you expect that you’re going to accidentally run into a wet tshirt contest or two. If you’re being honest with yourself, those probably weren’t accidents, but they very well may be accidents if you get an eyeful that you weren’t expecting this summer on beaches as designers are using more sheer materials than we’ve seen in years. It’s a bit like the trend toward utilizing more lace. Sometimes, it’s hard to tell if we’re at the beach or in the changing room at Victoria’s Secret. And frankly, this is a trend we can live with and don’t mind if it continues in this direction, just as long as 98% of the women over 40 years old don’t start to see these suits and think to themselves, “You know, that’s something I need to try.” No. These are not for you. These are for the ladies born after Ronald Reagan became President.
1. Sarongs on Steroids
You’ve got to walk to and from the car when you get to the beach. You’ve got to walk to and from the water, the restroom, or the hot dog cart. For guys, it’s simple. You just toss on a pair of sandals and go. For women, like any other “getting ready” routine, it’s a ritual that takes way too long, and this year, you might as well take a seat, men. The sarongs are crazier, with more layers, more ties, and are more complicated than ever before. Odds are, you’re going to have to hold it in places while she climbs in, ties it off, and does whatever the heck else she does to make it look just the way she wants it. Whatever, as long as she’s happy, right? Or as long she’s not complaining… am I right… or am I right?