A few of you probably already know that a “douchebag” is a— we’re not going to get into that. Its modern meaning, however, grew to a whole new, metaphorical level. This new meaning still bears a distant, but powerfully symbolic connection to the literal one by comparing a person, male in most cases, to the cleansing product. A D-bag’s behavior is to be placed somewhere between being a jerk and being a total a-hole on the contemptibility scale. Like flies to honey, D-bags are strongly attracted to any kind of brainless activities, such as wearing sunglasses indoors, or artificially tanning one’s pumped-up muscles. Being a regular douchebag is a harmless full-time occupation– after all, these are just guys who have a Monster energy drink logo on the trunk of their cars, and who believe camouflage is a fashion statement. However, being a celebrity douchebag is already a colossal put-off. It’s an enigma how such rich and talented people can be so arrogant and ill-mannered. From the newly elected American president to hugely popular music and movie stars, celebrity D-bags are all around us. Check out the 15 most talked about, who, despite their douchiness, still have things going great for them… if you know what we mean.
15. Alec Baldwin
Somebody please finally get hold of this guy and wash out his mouth with a bar of soap! Alec Baldwin has not only proven to be a giant douche, but also a genuinely bad person. There hasn’t been a social minority group that hasn’t been swept away by the volcanic eruptions of the actor’s sublime insolence. Women, African-Americans, gays, ordinary working people, even the dead– they all have been targets of his mouthy comments. It’s hard to believe that such a dedicated Obama supporter would publicly use words as “faggots” and “coons”, and would call his own daughter “a pig.” And not only is he a douche, but also a bully. He has physically assaulted the media on several occasions. Just two examples: In 1995, he was sentenced to pay $4,500 to a celebrity photographer for breaking his glasses AND his nose. Three years later, during an interview with Conan O’Brien, the actor said he was thinking of joining the mob to kill a certain politician and his family. Still waiting for this one…
14. Ashton Kutcher
The line between being hilarious and ridiculous is a tiny one. This has proven to be so true in Ashton Kutcher’s case. On the one hand, the guy did make America laugh hysterically when his hidden camera-practical joke reality show Punk’d was being aired on MTV. On the other hand, Kutcher is trying so hard to make himself likeable that it ruins it for us all. And we still remember the time when he was actually a nice, down-to-earth fella. Things have gone the wrong way obviously, and we are already talking about pathological narcissism here. There hasn’t been a single interview in which he’s shown himself as even slightly modest and unpretentious. We bet the first thing he does in the morning (if he’s not busy cheating around!) is to check his reflection in the mirror, and then take a dozen selfies having coffee, gulping a healthy smoothie, or “just chillin’.”
12. Joseph Gordon Levitt
Who hasn’t succumbed to the incredible charm that he literally radiates from the movie screen! And we bet you always pictured your future kid to be something like him– considerate, sensitive, and with a face that speaks trustworthiness and intellect. But you remember the recurring line from David Lynch’s cult series Twin Peaks: “The owls are not what they seem to be”? Well, let us give you our own “owl” in the flesh– Mr. Joseph Gordon Levitt. Rumor has it that the 35-year-old actor is far from being that sweet in real life. In fact, he is such a gigantic douchebag towards his fans that we wonder how he can still have any left at all. Especially after the incident with one Lindsey Miller, a cancer-stricken fan, who, after watching the movie 50/50, asked him if he’d be willing to be her first date after she was done with her struggle with the disease. What Levitt did was completely ignore her. His schedule that day was probably too busy to spare a minute for a sick girl…
11. Adam Levine
If you were Adam Levine, the top-priority item on your daily schedule would be to have sex, talk/sing about sex, and demonstrate in every possible way how sexually active and sexually irresistible you are. But what makes the famous singer an A-list douchebag is not so much the fact he’s so full of himself and his sex appeal, but the way he bullies the people who work for him. His obnoxious behavior has become legendary among his employees and the technical crew. But if this ungrateful attitude doesn’t classify him as a major D-bag, then his love for “cool” things like flamboyant cars and Victoria’s Secret models certainly does. What is even more disturbing about Adam Levine is the cockiness, which he proudly displays as one of his greatest personality assets, instead of trying to shade it up just a little.
10. Mark Wahlberg
An ex underwear model and a movie star with a questionable reputation of a bad boy, Wahlberg has definitely a lot of thrill to offer to his female fans. For the past two decades, many women have dreamed (day and night) about dying in his strong arms. But few of them are probably aware of the possibility that this can literally happen… especially if they are of non-Caucasian origin! The actor has had his bad-boy moments not only on the screen, but in real life, too. And we are not talking about parking tickets! When he was a teenager, he attacked two Vietnamese-American men in one day– he called the first one “Vietnam f**king shit” and knocked him unconscious, and punched the second one in the face, allegedly blinding him. Subsequently, it became clear that one of the attacked guys was not blinded by Wahlberg, because he was already blind in one eye. Which doesn’t make it alright after all because, whatever the consequences, a hate crime is an inexcusable deed and a symptom of incurable douchebaggery.
13. Gwyneth Paltrow
Yes, a woman can be a douchebag. And she is very much a douche. She is a very good actress. No, wait, she is an exceptionally good actress– she’s an Academy Award winner, after all! It’s a real shame that she’s such a D-bag. And what more convincing evidence than the fact that she managed to make such a genuinely mild-tempered and sweet man like Chris Martin walk away from her. We mean, who can be that tenacious to share a life with a woman who says she’d rather die than let her child eat Cup-a-Soup, or claims that her heart skips a beat when they pass a flowering zucchini plant!? Seriously, can one get any more pretentious than that! After she decided to “sacrifice” her career for the sake of her children, Gwyneth Paltrow has turned into a self-important know-it-all on any question concerning parenting and lifestyle in general. Actually, this attitude of superiority she demonstrates doesn’t come out of thin air. Even in her early teens, when still a student at the high-end private school in LA, Paltrow would show herself as an arch-elitist telling the other kids she was cast as a princess because she was one in real life. A douche then, and a douche now!
8. Christian Bale
Christian Bale has become notorious in the circles of the actors’ guild for being extremely difficult to work with. People are afraid he’ll pull out a hand-saw and cut whoever he dislikes into two, just like his character did in American Psycho. Something similar, only without the fatal consequences, happened on the set of Terminator: Salvation. Bale was in the middle of filming an intense scene, but the director of photography passed by, thus ruining it for Bale because he said she distracted him and he lost concentration. The scene had to be redone, and the actor simply lost it— he started yelling and threatening everyone on the set that he was going to kill them. Fortunately, the weapon he was waving around was a prop! When he cooled down a bit, he said he acted like that because he thought he had lost the moment. We guess nobody wanted to further mess with the guy and simply explain to him he was shooting a damn mainstream sci-fi movie, and not a Shakespearian drama piece.
7. Scott Disick And Kourtney Kardashian
No way to separate those two, because together they form one perfect douchebag. We don’t remember how many times the wanna-be socialite, model, and three-time baby daddy to the Kardashian sister has called his wife the most boring person in the world. Obviously, despite his “stunning beauty”, he doesn’t look very often at his reflection in the mirror for a reality check. Disick has become very much submerged in the whole bromance thing with the Kardashians’ fellas. As a result, his vocabulary somehow naturally expanded by including timeless expressions of his bro status, such as “I’m Lord Disick, bitch!”and “Bring it in for the real thing, bitch!” We must give it to Disick– with his narcissistic flare and taste in questionable clothing, the guy has greatly contributed to the institution of douchebaggery. You may ask what Kourtney has to do with it? Well, she is a D-bag by default for marrying one!
6. David Beckham
Honestly, we love him! An icon of a perfectly groomed man. And yet, there is something primordially douchey about this guy. All this metro-sexuality that has been going on forever, the countless photo sessions for fashion magazines, the autobiographical book, the sporting ambassador missions, the launch of his own fashion brand… Yes, Beckham seems to be a man of many talents. On top of it, he never misses an occasion to accessorize himself with some more poshness in the person of his wife, the ex-Spice Girl, Victoria. Through the years, his image has successfully worked for him, making him one of the most desired men on the planet– both by women and gay men. But there always comes a moment when the soccer player opens his mouth and says something like, “I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don’t know into what religion yet.” There are some things you just can’t “unhear”.
9. These Members Of The Grey’s Anatomy Crew
How can we not put the medical drama series on our list when Grey’s Anatomy has had more than its fair share of jerks on set. Let’s take Patrick Dempsey, for one. He’s played the charming Dr. Derek Shepard since the dawn of the series in 2005. Ever since, he’s been the most back-talked actor on the set because of his never-ending demands and obnoxious attitude towards colleagues and crew. He is obviously a man who thinks that everyone must be swept away by his charismatic appeal and therefore should bow to him.
Another super unpleasant person on the set is Isaiah Washington, a.k.a. Dr. Preston Burke. Unlike his colleague Dempsey, however, he’s not that much of a spoiled diva, but rather a regular jerk. Once, in between two scenes, he entered an argument with T.R. Knight (Dr. George O’Malley) and called him a “faggot”. He might not have intended that but his insult actually kicked Knight out of the closet, thus forcing him to reveal his homosexual orientation.
As for Katherine Heigl, she is probably the worst of them. Although her name became known in Hollywood thanks to her role in the series, she behaved like an ungrateful twat, peppering the writers for not giving her Emmy-worth material.
5. Justin Bieber
We wanted so much to even for once skip his name and let him be free as a bird at least from one burden, but alas, duty calls and we are obliged to diligently report on any douchebag activity that is going on. With young Justin Bieber it is, unfortunately, not one or two incidences of acting-out, but a whole chain of events which made him end up where you find him now– at number five of our list of douchebags (who somehow still get action?!). Let us remember just a few of Bieber’s most glorious D-bag moments: Before a concert in the Netherlands in 2013, he visited the Anne Frank House, and this is what he wrote in the guestbook: “Anne was a great girl. Hopefully she would have been a belieber.”
When Prince passed away in April 2016, singer and songwriter Andrew Watt posted the following on Instagram, “I am devastated. [He was] The last of the greatest living performers… my guitar idol…” To which Bieber made the unambiguous comment, “Well not the last greatest living performer!”
Not long ago, Bieber was photographed spitting from a hotel balcony directly on the faces of the fans gathered below to catch a glimpse of him and greet him.
4. Chris Brown
Beating up his girlfriend Rihanna four years ago was just the tip of the iceberg. Since then Chris Brown’s life has turned into an incessant hustle and bustle, which made it almost impossible for his PR reps to cleanse his image. Here are some of his douchiest moments: A couple of months after his assault on Rihanna, Brown appeared with a tasteless “Ooops!” chain, as big as his head– a rather juvenile gesture of apology for what he’d done. He further apologized with a video, which, however, came out dull and poor in emotion. After an interview at Good Morning, America, he destroyed his dressing room. On a couple of occasions, he’s been caught using derogatory homophobic slurs towards TMZ reporters and photographers. He stole a fan’s phone in a nightclub. When he was in love with two women at the same time, he felt the urge to make a video about this, not thinking even for a moment how arrogant and unthoughtful it was. And his top-notch D-bag move so far: In September 2012, Brown got a tattoo of a battered woman’s face on his neck. Very romantic! And infinitely stupid!
3. Charlie Sheen
We love this one, too because he’s brought much unfiltered entertainment to us through the years, but sill, we’d rather only watch him do this stuff on TV. In real life, Charlie Sheen has proven himself a real douche nobody wants to deal with. First, there are the victims of his bad temper– mostly women he must have sworn he loved, of course. The actor’s history of violence towards women is a long one. The most striking of all cases is the assault of his third wife, Brooke Mueller. Although Sheen pleaded guilty to this one, he continues to maintain that every woman who’s made allegations or taken restraining orders against him is lying her head off. Naturally, some minor legal problems caused by some “crazy bitches” haven’t stopped Uncle Charlie from being Uncle Charlie. Hanging out with prostitutes, adult film stars, and low-budget actresses has always been about him being rich and famous, which he probably thinks gives him the privilege to own them. Very sad indeed!
2. Tom Cruise
Tom Cruise is one of those Hollywood figures whom the douchebag label suits as well as a pair of comfortable jeans. In fact, he is the living epitome of douchebaggery. We saw him jump like a monkey on Oprah’s couch in an unnecessary euphoric proclamation of his eternal love for Katie Holmes. And we’ve heard him say that his job as an actor is as difficult as fighting in Afghanistan. A shining narcissist and a bigot, Cruise’s dedication to Scientology has raised many eyebrows. What the guy is ready to do for the religious cult is simply abnormal. He once even suggested to the church’s leader and his close friend Miscavige to beat the disobedient members if they needed him to. And once, after his broken marriage with Nicole Kidman and the break-up with Penelope Cruz, he addressed the church and Miscavige in particular with the request to “cast” him a proper girlfriend to their liking. Plus, he does believe, that, as a high-ranking member of the church, he is capable of “getting people off drugs, using the mind, rehabilitating criminals, creating peace, and uniting cultures.” Well, we figure Cruise doesn’t need another girlfriend, but rather specialized medical help.
1. Donald Trump
You saw it coming, didn’t you? There was simply no way to miss this one because although he hasn’t beaten up anybody (yet) and doesn’t think sleeveless tank tops saying “Sun’s out Guns out” are cool for the summer, he is the worst! For starters, getting himself involved in the political industry is a giant D-bag move because the guy obviously knows nothing about diplomacy. He’s been making the most brainless claims such as those that China is to blame for global warming, and that he is going to build a wall along the Mexican border and get rid of all the Mexicans, even the ones with American citizenship. “Protocol, schmotocol,” he’d say. As for us, we have to get used to his high-stake games. Because for Trump, it’s all just sports– diplomacy, wars, Twitter, politics, golf…
And he earns extra D-bag points for referring to himself in the third person. Who does that? The mentally disturbed people, the Queen of England, and, obviously, the new American President.
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