Come summer, and all of us, especially the celebs, become water babes and dudes. While for most of us mortals the idea is to cool off, for these celebs, it’s also a chance to show off their toned bodies and assets.
Frankly, most of them do end up looking like goddesses and gods with their sculpted bodies and awesome swimwear choices. Their bodies are both our envy, and objects of desire – we sort of want to look like them and “want” them as well, even if it’s just in naughty, secret dreams…
However, sometimes, celebs go a bit crazy when it comes to their choice of swimsuit, whether they are going for a “theme,” or they’re too over the top, or just plain ole’ nutty! And these become the worst beach fails of all times. So we are not here to trash the celebs themselves – we are not going to point fingers at their jiggly bottoms, their C-section bellies, or even those one-too-many-beer-caused “six packs.” We are trashing their choice of swimwear, dissing them for when they choose to wear like swimwear which is kinda not swimmable in or shows a little more than what we can take!
So be it bad bodies or just a very, very, bad choice in swimsuit, sometimes celebs do end up showing us that they can be humans (the erring variety, that is) and them looking bad makes us sort of feel better about ourselves now, doesn’t it? Read on and feel free to diss as you like…
15. Mariah Carey: Black Is Not Always Slimming
So Mariah really needs a hero, especially one who could introduce her to a good swimsuit that fits and flatters her ever expanding curves. While black is most definitely a slimming color, here even that has failed to slim down a body made bad by too much booze, food and can we say, bad behavior?
The deep V of the swimsuit only emphasizes her not-so-flat stomach and the rather risqué halter neck doesn’t give her saggy boobs any support against gravity! Her so-called natural make-up looks better suited for stage lights rather than the setting sun rays on a beach and her un-cinched waist (wait, what waist?) looks errrr, roomy. Overall, not the kind of ensemble we expect from this diva, who is a known control freak, to say the least. It sort of shows even in her voiceover as the Mayor of Gotham City in the Lego Batman movie. Didn’t know that, did you?
14. Queen Latifah: Can Rock A Bikini
So Queen Latifah is not who men dream about at night, well, at least most men. That said, she is a musician and is one of the most influential hip-hop artists, as well as an actress known for her comic timing and her excellent voiceovers (think Ellie, the mammoth who thinks she is a possum, in the Ice Age franchise). And in case you are wondering about her name, she was born Dana Elaine Owens.
At 5’10″, this queen has always stood tall and never been one to be weighed down, literally. An Amazon of a woman, she rocks the blue bikini like she owns it – proud of her curves and her womanly figure. The swimsuit we’d like to diss is the first one. The yellow floral print does nothing for her and the swimsuit is perhaps a couple of sizes too small so it smooshes her boobs and yet gives them no support at all. And oh, the cover-up shorts are a horror story on their own!
13. Paris Hilton: Too In Love With Herself
So Paris here was born with the proverbial silver spoon in her mouth – though we think it was platinum and diamond encrusted. The granddaughter of Conrad Hilton (of the Hilton hotel group), Paris can basically do nothing wrong – be it her DUI arrests, her sex tape, or the fact that she makes more money every day than we probably do in a lifetime.
She can go wrong with a bikini, though, every now and then. So while the first one is fine and makes all the guys sit up and appreciate all those assets, shaped with green as they might be, the second one is a tad Malibu Barbie, if you know what I mean. The white shiny swimsuit that has Paris emblazoned on it looks tacky and screams “I have too much money, more than I know what to do with!”
12. 12. Coco Austin: Definitely Not A Prude
Coco Austin began her life as Nicole Natalie Marrow, a model specializing in swimsuit, lingerie, and well, nude modeling. Funnily enough, she grew up as a tomboy racing ATVSs and playing football before she starting modeling and became the star of an LA peepshow, where she played Bo Peep. Married to rapper and actor Ice-T (Odafin Tutuola on Law & Order: SVU) since 2002, she has since been a beach sensation with her itsy bitsy teeny weeny (not necessarily yellow polka dot) bikinis.
Why do we so not like these bikini pics of Coco here? Well we aren’t exactly sure! It could be because pleather isn’t what you wear to a beach now, is it? It could also be the bounciness of Coco as she runs on the beach with her dogs, with far too many bobbly bits that we can take, even in a still picture. Or it could be the fact that we are so used to seeing her in far lesser when it comes to swimwear, think ultra-tiny string bikinis with strategically placed wisps, that we cannot take this cover up!
11. Heidi Montag: Expansion In The Wrong Places
So Heidi Montag was pretty much a nobody till she befriended Lauren Conrad, who at the time, was the star of the reality show Laguna Beach: The Real Orange County. She catapulted to fame when both she and Lauren became the stars of a new reality show The Hills. She then met Spencer Pratt on the show and they later married, earning the moniker Speidi.
Now Heidi Montag decided to augment those curves, and in case she or anyone else around her in the water is about to drown, her flotation devices will surely come in handy. Her second bikini is quite cool, for this is when it covered stuff that was all natural. The first bikini valiantly covers that what is artificial and we think that her new twin peaks would pop out of it, even if all she did was take a deep breath, let alone swim!
10. Kesha: Death To The Bikini
Kesha has been through many ups and downs. From checking into rehab for bulimia nervosa, to being an alleged sexual abuse/rape victim to losing her case against Dr. Luke and Kemosabe records, she has been on a rollercoaster the past few years.
And perhaps it is this turmoil that shows on Kesha on this particular beach appearance. The vintage bandeau and granny panties bikini is actually a nice piece but it should not be used the way Kesha has tried to use it, to cover up some extra weight or bulges, because it ends up highlighting them. There’s no issue with this bulimic singer gaining weight, except that her swimsuit choices need to be a bit more suited to her current body than a mannequin. The crop top tee that Kesha uses as a cover-up is a little bit better – black is always slimmer and the “Death to the Pixies” logo is cute too.
9. Kim Kardashian: Monochrome Can Be Flashy too
Okay, Kim K, my favorite gal to diss. From her befriending Paris Hilton to gain some fame to that “leaked” sex tape that got her $5million in a settlement, to a volatile marriage with Damon Thomas or the short-lived one with Kris Humphries, Kim K was probably born to be a “performer” in front of the cameras. Now Mrs. West here is quite the fashion icon and fashionista in her own right, but her swimsuit choices, sometimes, leave a lot to be desired.
The monokini with the cinched gold waist trim is the least flattering for her hourglass proportions, cosmetically altered as they may be. The white shirt-dress cover up does nothing for her either. And while she shows plenty of skin and curves in the black tankini, we feel it yet again does nothing for her but leave parts of her out to dry, literally! Oh, and did we mention her penchant for selfies, delicious bits and all?
8. Jim Carrey: I Dare You To Wear
So sometime between 2005 and 2010, when Jim Carrey and former Playboy model Jenny McCarthy were very much in love with each other, Jim here went a little OTT in his swimwear choice for a beach stroll.
People who knew the couple also knew that both shared the same wacky sense of humor and getting their gags via public amusement and embarrassment was perhaps a hobby. So in the first pic, we see a black monokini sported rather sexily by Jenny McCarthy that shows off her excellent assets well. Jim here is seen wearing what most men wear at the beach, a decent body, and shorts.
Later the same day, Jenny and Jim have switched roles and Jim is wearing what Jenny was, the black monokini, though much to the onlookers’ disappointment, Jenny did not carry through Jim’s bare-chested look. Well, for a man who sets his farts on fire (remember Ace Ventura) on screen, pulling a better-covered Borat is no biggie.
7. Lady Gaga: Performance Bikini vs. The Real Deal
So to put it politely, Lady Gaga is quite the flamboyant dresser who basically prefers her fans see her “real” self, with just thong bikinis and nipple pasties hiding her modesty in her performances or even public appearances, which include eating lunch or shopping, wearing basically next to nothing.
At the MTV Video Music Awards, Lady Gaga pulled off the mermaid look pretty well with those curly locks and that fantastic shell bikini. It might have been uncomfortable to wear this but Gaga is all coy smiles and flashy grins as she amazed the audience.
But this is what she wears on a beach? A sea green peekaboo bikini that does nothing for her curves or complexion, bleached eyebrows that make her look terminally ill, and blonde hair done up in really, really messy (and we don’t mean stylish) pigtails. Thing is, she’s a diva and she rules the fashion world, she doesn’t follow trends, but what’s happening?
6. Amber Rose: An Ever Expanding Obsession
So Amber Rose has it all, from looks to curves to one hell of a booty – and most if not all will agree that all this perfection did come at a price, and that’s what Amber paid to her cosmetic surgeons. This plastic surgery aficionado loves to dress in the most jaw-dropping fashion which basically translates to clothes that don’t amount to much.
We do like the first bikini on Amber for this is one time when her body was more natural and less artificial. As far as the second pic is concerned, while everyone appreciates a toned body that’s dressed in bare nothings, this borders on a plastic surgery obsession, but then again Amber Rose was a former stripper. Other than dressing as she pleases, Amber Rose is also an active public speaker against women and body shaming. A tad ironic, right? Respect, Amber…
5. Arnold Schwarzenegger: Did He Have To Be Back In Black?
Okay, so bodybuilding dudes and most women from the cavemen era would probably swoon at the sight of the really buffed up Arnie in his underpants or swimsuit or whatever that thing he’s wearing on the left. And you have to admit, this former miner did rise from the very bottom rungs and made a place for himself in Hollywood (and politics) with a certain ball busting, wall crashing style that’s unmistakably Arnie.
That said, while Arnie has maintained himself over the years, we really, really, truly don’t want to see him in this black swimsuit that’s even tinier than the yellow one. Seriously, nothing against you Arnie, but cover up those graying chest hairs and that 60-year-old physique would you? You just gave Jared Leto a serious complex… And BTW, what’s with the goblet (of wine? Whisky? Ambrosia?) you are holding in your hand while dressed in those itsy bitsy teeny weeny yellow underpants?
4. Shauna Sands: Those Lucite Heels
So what do we say about Shauna Sands? Not much can be said for she basically has said, shown , and done everything on screen already. From being a Playboy Playmate to actually wearing clothes on shows like Charmed, The Deviants, and Hollywood Girls to finally starring in Shauna Exposed, a porno movie produced by Vivid Entertainment, Shauna Sands has taken her body to new heights with plenty of augmentation along the way.
Now at 45, after three divorces and a fourth marriage, Shauna’s assets are not defying gravity as much as she’d like them to. That said, her orange bikini looks pretty great, what we are stuck on are those towering lucite heels. I mean who in heck’s name wears heels on sand unless they basically have a death wish and want their last moments to be tottering on the beach before having a big, big fall? And jeez, lucite, really?
3. Lindsay Lohan: In Need Of A Lift?
Lindsay Lohan, far from the fresh-faced doll of The Parent Trap, or even the sultry teen in Mean Girls, is all grown up, and not in a good way. Her rap sheet has grown with her, as have her monumental troubles with alcohol, drugs, and bad boys (and a few girls in between as well).
Now the thing with drugs and alcohol and an overall reckless lifestyle in which you go in and out of rehab pretty much like a yo-yo, and have boyfriends that tend to rough you up as well (hint hint, her current beau, the toxic Egor Tarabasov) is that it takes a toll on your body and makes you end up looking pretty much like Madonna, except that Madonna is almost 60, works out for like four hours straight in the day, and pretty much has the right to look like anything she wants to. And you, Lindsay, are just 30.
The black bikini top paired with the monochromatic black shorts does nothing to fight gravity and makes her look way beyond her 30 years, at least body-wise. The white “lingerie” set is no better and boy does she look old in that pic…
2. Jared Leto: Arnie Gave Him A Complex
See, we told you. Either seeing an elderly Arnie in his teeny tiny black swimsuit got Jared Leto very, very self-conscious of his not so buff physique, or he just likes to dress the opposite way. Fewer clothes at a party and all the clothes he can find at the beach.
I mean this guy is the ultimate in transformations onscreen. Who can ever forget him thinning down to the point of emaciation for his role as a transgender woman in Dallas Buyers Club? He’s also known for his OTT performance in his music videos and honestly, those soulful eyes and that lean body have kept many girls awake at night.
So our problem with this swimsuit? Its that there isn’t one. Why is he so overdressed at a beach? The jeans and the shirt, the Malibu sweater, and the boots! Why Jared, why? Give us a peek the next time you’re on the beach, Jared.
1. The Mankini: Sacha & John Are Borat Twins
In the movie Borat, Sacha Baron Cohen made this mankini such an instant sensation, to the point that it was always referred to as the Borat Mankini thereafter. Otherwise also known as the sling swimsuit, suspender bikini or thong, slingshot swimsuit or just the slingshot (seriously, call it anything), but it just looks plain awful on any guy. Be it the hairy leanness of Sasha or the “my d*ck is a white supremacist” John Mayer. Yeah, he makes good music and is darn cute, but that’s no excuse for becoming a Borat impersonator, especially on a boat that was full of Mayer’s fans.
Now while Sasha did this for a role, we are not really sure why Mayer did it – even more shock value? I mean he’s the guy who put his foot in his mouth on a regular basis, so what’s the problem with putting his junk in a swimsuit better suited to, I don’t know, being a slingshot?