Ah, the holidays are over and 2017 is upon us. Whether you’ve been anxiously awaiting a fresh year or have no idea how it’s January 1 again so soon, it’s now that special time where we try to shake off our hangovers and the questionable treats we’ve indulged in since Thanksgiving and try to make good for the clean slate. It’s also time to think back to 365 days ago on January 1, 2016 and those promises you made to yourself. Lose weight. Eat better. Adopt a cool hobby. Make new friends. Give more to charity. Find true love. Did you crush all of your goals? If the answer is no, you’re not alone. The world is filled with people who make resolutions only to break them, famous people included. Because celebrities are just like us. After all, who doesn’t have room for improvement? These fifteen celebs sure do since they all made sweet-sounding promises in the past and then promptly failed miserably to deliver on them. Before you start vacuuming up confetti and glitter from your living room floor and recycling plastic champagne flutes, take a second to scroll through this list of past New Year’s Resolutions: the Hall of Shame version. It’s guaranteed to make you feel better on those resolutions that you might not have lived up to… yet. Give your resolutions a go! You’re sure to do better than some of these stars. And if not, don’t worry. There’s always next year, right?
15. Jason Segel – To Have Ryan Reynolds’ Body
“I’d like to get Ryan Reynolds’ body. I’m close— I mean, I’m like a week away!”
Really Jason? What guy wouldn’t? While we know that quirky Jason is a funnyman and was saying this sarcastically when revealing his resolution for 2011, his self-deprecating humor is too great to leave off this list. There’s a helpful hint to be found here. If ever you’re put on the spot with a group of people you’d like to impress and you can’t think of a proper resolution or don’t really want to get into your personal goals, go for humor. Truth be told, the comedic actor certainly doesn’t look terrible these days and besides, we love you just the way you are, Jason!
14. Scarlett Johansson – To Enjoy Life As A Newlywed With Ryan Reynolds
Back in 2010, when Scarlett Johansson was asked about her New Year’s resolutions, she couldn’t have known that just one year later, her marriage was on the fast track to being yesterday’s news in just one short year. Because if she did have any kind of idea, her answer of, “Enjoy life as a newlywed with my husband, Ryan Reynolds” would have been a rather odd choice. Although the couple was once a favorite in Hollywood, the two dissolved their relationship in 2011. They’ve both remarried and seem to be happy in their lives but Scarlett’s old hopeful-sounding resolution serves as a reminder that relationships, just like time, are fragile things indeed.
13. Kourtney Kardashian – To Be Nicer To Scott
“Be nicer to Scott!” Kourtney said when asked about her resolutions for her personal life one year. This is a fail for two reasons, the most obvious being that the oldest Kardashian sister isn’t with Scott Disick any longer but because the two never seemed to stop fighting. But hey, we give her points for at least taking some ownership in her train wreck of a relationship and trying to make things better. Heading into a bright new year, a romance tip for Kourtney is to not date just anyone who self-appoints themselves with a “Lord” title and desperately tries to get it to stick. Better luck next time around, Kourt.
12. Stefan Kendal Gordy (a.k.a. RedFoo) – To Get On The Big Screen
Perhaps the most well-known individual from LMFAO said of his resolution for 2012: “Films. Taking the whole LMFAO, Party Rock lifestyle and music and just putting it on the big screen. Take our videos plus our music and then our personalities and BAM.” While he has appeared in small roles in films such as Very Heavy Love, Potheads: The Movie and cameos in Last Vegas and Alvin and The Chipmunks: The Road Chip, that big “BAM” hasn’t happened yet. Perhaps the extreme LMFAO party lifestyle and demanding production schedules just don’t mix.
11. Jennifer Aniston – To Prove That John Mayer Can Be A One-Woman Man
Post-Brad and Pre-Justin, John’s famous ex once said, “Prove to everyone that John Mayer can be a one-woman man” of her New Year’s resolution. Well, we all know how that turned out. Jennifer Aniston was just one of many willing, tender-hearted victims on John Mayer’s list of hearts to break. They only dated for a year but apparently she was in it for the long haul. If you’re a diehard Friends fan, it can be hard to watch Rachel strike out in love in real life. Again and again. Even though she couldn’t capture the heart of one of Hollywood’s biggest players, she looks happy now with a guy who seems like he’ll be there for her even when the rain starts to pour.
10. Miley Cyrus – Take 1 – For The World To Start Censoring Dudes’ Nips
Miley Cyrus is a stalwart activist for many causes, one of those being gender equality. Three years ago, Miley wished for just that as she took to social media with her New Year’s wish and resolution challenge for the world, “IN 2014 I HOPE THEY START CENSORING DUDES NIPPLES #genderequality”
This isn’t a resolution that she necessarily failed at since it wasn’t a goal for her but for society as a whole. Nevertheless, it failed. Sorry Miley. At the same time, the fact that no law has passed allowing women to walk in public with freed nipples, it doesn’t seem to have stopped Miley from dressing in any way she pleases. So, it’s a win for her.
9. Jessica Biel – To Learn Another Language
After she became Mrs. Timberlake, Jessica Biel was questioned on what she had in mind to better herself for the New Year and said, ”I’d like to learn another language.” As far as we can tell, she hasn’t done so yet. She’s also said that she doesn’t speak the “music language” with Justin, referring to lingo in the business. We would be encouraging her to keep trying to become bilingual but she said herself that it’s not too likely to occur, adding, “But I say that every year — I’ve said that for about 12 years now!” Maybe when her son, Silas, takes a language class in school, she can learn right along with him?
8. Shia LaBeouf – To Be Less Controversial On Twitter
There’s no debate about it, whether you like him or not, Shia LaBeouf is one interesting dude. Whether the former child TV star is claiming to quit the industry, wearing a paper bag over his head on the red carpet or appearing in a bizarre Sia music video in which he “fights” a little girl from Dance Moms, Shia’s always up to something (usually embarrassing) worthy of water cooler talk. Apparently he thought so too in 2014 when he declared his New Year’s resolution as, “I need to work on being a less controversial tweeter.” Well, he didn’t work too hard or long on that resolution or maybe he forgot about it entirely! Shia tweets something (usually nonsensical) just about every single day. Most recently on December 8, 2016, the actor tweeted to the world, “god damn you all to hell.” Shia, here’s our advice for 2017: if you don’t have anything nice, sensible or decent to say, don’t say anything at all.
7. Miley Cyrus – Take 2 – To Stop Getting Into Trouble With Disney
You’re not seeing double. Miley’s resolution fails are so nice, they made the list twice! Before she was obsessed with the “Free The Nipple” campaign, she was just Billy Ray’s adorable, fresh-faced daughter starring on a hit Disney TV show who used “sweet niblets!” as a catchphrase and would never think of twerking on Robin Thicke. But she might have had some inclinations of going to the dark side. Because in 2009, her resolution was, “Stop getting into so much trouble with my bosses at Disney.” At the time, she was receiving negative attention from the Mickey men for dressing increasingly skimpy at her concerts and general pre-foam finger behavior. Miley finally had enough of the Disney restraints, freed herself and became the twerking sensation that we know today.
6. Abigail Breslin – To Stop Saying “Um”
Now that’s a tall order! It may not seem like a big deal but since the former child superstar and current Scream Queens star vowed “to stop saying ‘um’,” as her 2011 New Year’s resolution, we’re going to count this one as a fail. Although it pretty much goes without saying the actress meant that she wanted to stop “um” as much, (which is a nice respectable goal in itself) to stop saying it altogether, especially for a California girl, is pretty much, um, impossible. Those darn um’s! Why do they have to be so handy when you’re searching for the right thing to say or to use in place while you’re trying to remember something?
5. Blake Shelton – For Dia’s Record To Take Off
The Voice judge said this for his 2012 New Year’s resolution, “I really would like to see Dia’s record take off and do well, and Xenia has made a great record. My heart is there for them.”
On season 1 of the show, Xenia placed 2nd on Blake’s team. She enjoyed success with her single “Sing You Home” and the raspy-voiced Temecula native sang as herself in the independent movie, Life Inside Out. She’s also impressed mega stars like Jennifer Lopez and Justin Bieber with her talents on YouTube. Runner-up of the same season, Dia, like Xenia, has been busy making music and releasing tracks but neither girls have had a massive mainstream musical breakout as it seemed Blake wished for them back in 2012.
4. Travie McCoy – To Quit Cigarettes
The frontman from Gym Class Heroes once pledged “to quit smoking cigarettes” in 2012. There’s no proof that he has to date so we’ll assume that he hasn’t kicked the dangerous habit. Since he’s been romantically linked to another famous individual who has also been known to smoke (girlfriend Juliette Lewis), it might make it harder for the tattooed and pierced musician to quit smoking for good. Everything is more fun when you have someone to keep you company, right?
The number one best quit-smoking tip on WebMD states, “Find your reason. To get motivated, you need a powerful, personal reason to quit.” So perhaps Travie just hasn’t found that powerful, personal reason yet.
3. Justin Timberlake – To Take Some Time Off
Many moons ago, when the then Mr. Biel-to-be was asked in 2011 of his New Year’s plans, he answered with, ”Just some sleep— some time off and some sleep unless something comes along that’s like the most unbelievable project, I’m going to take some time off next year.”
We can’t imagine that this happened for him as he had three major movies that came out (all with major promotion and mass interviews) that same year. And by his example, Justin shows us possibly the most successful (although exhausting) way to fail at a New Year’s resolution. Hope the new papa has managed to catch a few Zs since then!
2. John Mayer – To Stop Seeking Attention Through Texting
What famous Hollywood star hasn’t this golden-voiced, baby-faced singer been romantically linked to? But in 2010, he attempted to clean up his love ‘em and leave ‘em image by stating the following as his New Year’s resolution: “I will not use texting as a form of reaching out for superficial attention/affection at all hours of the night. By not micro-trading in my emotional stock value every second of the day, I may just end up seeing the bigger, beautiful picture.” Lofty aspirations indeed but no gold star for John as he continued to play the field, leaving puddles and lakes of A-list tears in his wake. Perhaps this year we’ll see a true husband-material side to Mr. Mayer because in a video interview in the summer of 2016, he made it clear that he was finally ready to settle down. We won’t hold our breath though, just in case.
1. Austin Mahone – For His Album To Sell 100,000 Copies The First Week
“When my album comes out I want it to sell 100,000 copies in the first week.” For 2014, this was Austin’s not-so-secret wish. Unfortunately for Austin and despite his mass following on social media, his record sales have never been good enough to please record executives. While at one time, he was looking to become the next Justin Bieber, it seems that is one resolution that’s not going to come true. Much like Justin, “The Secret” singer was able to generate a huge amount of hype and excitement over his single but unlike Beliebers, when it came time for “Mahomies” to fork over the dough for the album, it just didn’t happen and hasn’t happened (enough to justify himself as having a shot at a career anywhere near Bieber’s status) yet.