Is there anything more exciting than a superhero? The world is excited and amazed by superheroes. They fill the pages of comic books. Thousands upon thousands of stories have been scribed for these amazing beings. Some are super-human, some mere mortals, while others are a hybrid of sorts. The one common thread is that many of these “heroes” fight for the good of people. Some of them are reluctant participants thrust into unexpected roles, while other superheroes give themselves for the betterment of society. No matter what their internal motivations are, these superheroes have carved out a special place in our creative mindsets, one that helps us to dream and, in the most optimistic of moments, maybe see the best in humanity, and ourselves.
Beyond who and what superheroes are and what they’ve given to the world, they also have needs, right? I mean, it’s all well and good to be “super.” But one constant within the fabric of superheroes and their stories is their “one true love.” Each hero seems to have a singular focus on a single man or woman who catches his or her eye and they have an unlikely love affair. But what if there wasn’t a Lois Lane for every superhero? What if they, like many of us, had difficulty finding someone to share their personal lives with? That’s where the many online dating services come into play. And let’s just imagine: what if these sometimes socially awkward heroes decided to open up their laptops and constructed an online dating profile? What might some of it say? Well, let’s take a look and see: what if…?
I’m kind of a God. I look like a cross between a supermodel and a weightlifter. I’m totally hot. My favorite color is me. I’m a vegetarian, but I like a good steak every so often. My favorite food is alphabet soup because I really like spelling my name in foods. My favorite sport is baseball. I was “All-World” back in the day. Nobody swung the hammer like I could. I’m pretty much chiseled from the Gods with a body that, um…, it’s just really awesome. I actually lose myself at times just running my hands over my own chest. It’s that awesome. I love the beach and lifting weights. If you look hot in a bikini, give me a call, and I’ll let you play with my beautiful long flowing hair. It’s totally silky.
Some of my friends like to call me “Red” because my hair is fire-engine red. But I’m just plain old Jean to those close to me. I’m about 5’6″ and have green eyes. And you know how people’s eyes sometimes can change colors? Well, mine change and kind of go red when I do this “thing.” But normally, they’re just green. I’ve been a teacher and a model. I was born in the big city, New York. But I’m pretty much comfortable anywhere I go. I do have some pretty interesting hobbies. I’m kind of telepathic. Sounds crazy, right? In addition to being able to read your mind, I also can project my thoughts into your head, initiate astral travel, mentally stun people with psionic force, bake beautiful cakes and, oh, I can levitate. I can also make other objects levitate, too. For fun, I like to create force fields and manipulate matter. I know what you’re thinking: totally boring. Give me a chance, and maybe we can levitate together!
13. Iron Man
So, I’m pretty much the best thing you could ever have. I’m a brilliant businessman who dabbles a little in arms dealership, but I’m very attractive, and I think you’ll like what I put down. Sure, I’m a little confident, but I’m not looking for another sleazy woman like the many I’ve already slept with. No, ma’am. I’m looking for the one woman who can deal with my ego and keep me in check. I want a strong woman who isn’t afraid to call BS on me, even though I’m right most of the time. I do have some fun hobbies outside of playing with heavy artillery and massive weaponry. I enjoy flying. I’m pretty much the best pilot on the planet. My heart is sort of detachable, but I don’t want to get too much into that. I like a good wine and cigar at night. I crave excitement and normalcy all at once, and to be perfectly honest, my abs totally rock. I also can make a heck of a nuclear weapon. If you’re interested, give me a call! I’m definitely looking for a co-pilot in life.
I’m a night owl. My favorite color is darkness. I tend to gravitate toward loose women. I like to dress up in costumes on occasion and enjoy excitement. I’m a thrillseeker who always is looking for a new adventure. I like cats and have a mansion big enough to fit a family of 30. My finished basement is pretty cool, too, with an indoor river, a swamp-like pool, and a cave for a garage. I’m not really into kids, but I’ll adopt a circus performer every now and again. A couple of my favorite hobbies are base-jumping, collecting unconventional vehicles, and sitting in the dark. I’m a Yankees fan, born and bred in the big city. I’m 6’2″ tall and also dark and handsome. I’m looking for something casual.
11. Wonder Woman
Honestly, if you’re a little bitch of a man, don’t bother replying to this ad. I have neither the time nor the patience. As you can tell, I’m a strong, independent woman. I’m looking for a man, possibly super in nature, who can match up with some of my lofty expectations. Don’t get me wrong; I’m a bit of a girlie-girl, too. I like to accessorize like any other girl. My bracelets and tiara are quite becoming. But outside of work, I like to work out and stay in good shape. I’ve studied a variety of martial arts, which have helped me excel in life. I like to volunteer my time on occasion, help those who are unable to help themselves. I’m looking for a man who stays in good shape as I value a commitment to remaining fit. I’m quite good with ropes and whips. I’m also an expert griller, so don’t mess with my steaks. I guess my special ability would be that I can fly my invisible plane and almost never crash it.
I like it rough — like REALLY rough. One of my best skills is reading people, and I can also regenerate my own skin, which is pretty cool, too. I like knives — a lot of knives. I do have a few anger issues and tend to be a little bit moody. I’m a complicated man. I was originally an orphan and don’t really have much of a family. I’m looking for a woman who can match my intensity. I’m not going to lie; I’m a real wildcat in the sack. I’m into some pretty freaky stuff. I also like balls of yarn and enjoy crocheting, and my favorite colors are blue and yellow. I’m kinda hairy, also; it’s sort of my thing.
9. The Green Hornet
I must admit, right off the bat, one of my greatest passions is that of the written word. I truly enjoy my time in front of my typewriter, pounding out the keys, smelling the fresh ink spread across a mostly blank white sheet of paper. I’m also an avid car collector. I’ve been blessed over the years with the means to enjoy some of the finer things in life. I spend some of my free time sparring at the gym with my good friend, Kato. I’ve become quite the novice fighter. It’s a great outlet. In addition to my job as a writer, I like to dress up in green costumes and a mask and go trolling the streets for action. Green, incidentally, is my favorite color, although I’m not a big fan of St. Patrick’s Day. Go figure. I’m quite well-read and enjoy detective stories, on the written page and in real life. But now, I’m looking for an entirely different kind of adventure and a new mystery to solve: that of love.
I’m a big runner. My friends always say I’m running from something. But I like to feel I’m running toward something, ya know? I’m big into yoga. It’s really helped in my passion for trying to make the world a better place. I’m like Usain Bolt kind of fast. I’ve picked up a few hobbies lately. I enjoy spin classes and quantum tunneling. Both are challenging in their own ways. They’re excellent outlets. I do believe it’s good to have a hobby. I like to run to clear my head. Sometimes, I run too fast and burn up the ground beneath my feet (which is quite embarrassing!). But mostly, I enjoy a nice quick-paced sprint now and again. Oh, and I almost forgot: I can travel through time, which is pretty cool. So, I can’t guarantee I won’t take a look at you twenty years from now and see if it’s a risk I want to take. Anyway, if you’re an avid runner, give me a call, and we can go on a marathon date some time!
I’m a very complicated and deep individual. I don’t put on brave faces to pretend to be something I’m not. These days, I’ve gotten a bit dark. I’m looking for someone to brighten up my days. I’m a big fan of warm weather — like REALLY hot weather. The hotter, the better; I’m not going to lie. I’m totally into whips and chains. I’m a big fan of the Fifty Shades of Grey series, if you get my drift. But think a slightly darker version. That’s kind of my thing. I’m big into strength training. Some would say I have a kind of superhuman strength. I’m extremely agile, and I can run forever. Some of my special skills are teleportation, shapeshifting, resurrection and oh, yeah… I kind of have demonic powers. I bet you don’t hear that every day! I’m just a regular normal immortal dude looking for a good time.
6. Professor X
I’m not going to lie: my days of extreme sports have passed me by. I’m looking for a nurturing older woman, someone I can spend my afternoons with, feeding the birds and enjoying long strolls on the beach. I’m also looking for a strong woman, one that has the ability to lift a grown man on and off a wheelchair, possibly someone who can change me now and again. I do own quite the home; it’s beautiful. I run a school of special people who have incredible abilities. We’ll leave some of that for the second date. I’m quite cerebral. I pretty much know and have read everything — literally, everything. I’m looking for a good time. I’ve felt alone for quite a while and am excited to wheel around with someone special. Some of my hobbies are mind reading, mind control, astral projection and psychic attacks. I also enjoy red Jello and rice pudding.
I think I’ve always felt like a bit of a nerd. I was born in Forest Hills, New York. I’m into science and really like insects. Spiders are kinda my thing, if you could believe that. I know most people are scared of them, but I kind of embrace the whole spider thing. I was an orphan, but I think that only made me stronger. My aunt and uncle did an amazing job raising me. I’ve been told that I’m an excellent cook. My favorite book of all time has to be Charlotte’s Web. That spider gets me every time. I do have some hobbies outside of a good read. I have the ability to cling to most surfaces, am very fast and agile, have this kind of precognitive ability, and can fire spiderwebs out of my wrist. Really, I can write your name almost anywhere in silk. Oh, and I like to wear really tight tights! Call me!
4. Captain America
Well, I’m pretty much an all-American kid. I’m 6’2″ tall, and I have blonde hair and blue eyes. I was born in New York City. I’ve always been into law enforcement, and I was both a soldier and a police officer. Helping people has been a passion of mine all my life. I wasn’t always in great shape, but I found that dedicating yourself to a healthy lifestyle, remaining focused, and keeping a strict diet will allow you to become the best you can be — and also being scientifically altered into the perfect specimen of a man. All of that combined can lead you to be the best version of yourself. Once I worked really hard (and got medically enhanced), I was able to dive into martial arts, boxing, and judo. They’re now passions of mine. I love to work out with my genetically enhanced body right alongside other professional athletes. Ladies, I am a true gentleman. I will open the door for you every day of our life together if you’ll just give me a shot. And I promise, you won’t be able to take your hands or eyes off of my abs.
I’ve always been heavily into aquatic sports. My family used to call me a “fish” for how much time I spent in the pool. I can hold my breath for a REALLY long time. My father used to love the ocean. He was an undersea explorer, and it all really just stuck with me. I love marine life and could spend days out in the ocean. I’m also very gifted with creatures of the ocean. We kind of talk to each other. My friends call me the “Dr. Doolittle” of the ocean. Ha-ha. But really, I can talk to and control dolphins, sharks, fish, clams — you name it! One of my most favorite hobbies is obviously swimming. I like freestyle the most, although I get a kick out of the butterfly stroke. Michael Phelps is totally my favorite athlete. He’s super-cool. I wear his autographed speedos to bed at night. Some of my hobbies outside of swimming include telepathy, mind control, and decorating colorful flowers on surfboards.
Listen, ladies… they don’t call me “The Man of Steel” for nothing. Know what I’m sayin’? But seriously, I’m tall, dark, handsome, in excellent shape, and can leap the tallest building in a single bound. So whoever your ex-boyfriend is, I’m betting I’m a level above him. Don’t be distracted by my 0% body-fat ratio and exploding physique; I’m also quite smart and an above-average reporter. One the side, I try to save humanity, but that’s a community-service thing I do for free. I was adopted, but I had great parents. My least favorite color is green. If I see any green gems, I may freak out a little. Other than that, I’m pretty much okay with jewelry. I’m definitely looking for a woman who can challenge me with her intelligence and knowledge. I want to be able to discuss politics with my main squeeze at night. My favorite hobbies are flying and line-dancing. I like to cruise around the solar system every now and again. Shoot me an email, and I promise you the ride of your life: a super ride.
1. The Hulk
I’m a scientist. People call me funny and witty. On a normal day, I’m just above-average in size. I’m a bit of a workaholic. I do have a wee bit of a dark side though. Sometimes, it feels like I have this kind of split personality. I guess I’ll just come out and say it… I turn into a giant green monster. I know what you’re thinking: red flag, anger issues! It’s not really me though. In extreme moments of intensity, I get a little wound up, and stuff happens. Pretty normal to have that side of your personality… it’s just that mine turns me into a very angry large beast. Again, it’s super-rare. Besides, I’ve never gone Hulk (that’s what I call it) during Thanksgiving dinner. I also like long walks by lakes during dusk and feel most at home when I’m doing laundry.