I wonder if it’s tough to grow up rich and famous and, perhaps beautiful (more on that later), and then see not only your younger and closest sister, but also your youngest sister, surpass you in beauty, riches, and fame. And then, just to put the icing on the cake, your much younger half-sisters, whom you probably hadn’t even thought about that much, also become international superstars (or at the very least, highly recognizable “personalities”) and become “hotter” than you. Just imagine if you will for a moment, that you are Kourtney Kardashian and you are the eldest sister of the infamous Kardashian clan. Your father rose to prominence as a lawyer to the stars and was part of the “Dream Team” of legal experts that kept O.J. Simpson out of jail. Your family rose to prominence as did you yourself when the all-time reality mega-hit Keeping Up with the Kardashians hit the airwaves. With each of your sisters, you’ve starred in spin-offs of that hit — Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami and Kourtney and Kim take New York. You even got top billing! You’ve got clothing lines, fragrance lines and fancy boutique shops in the Hamptons, Miami, New York City, and Los Angeles. You’ve even shilled for Quick Trim, and if being the spokesperson for a weight loss program isn’t the mark of true celebrity status, then I don’t know what is.
But let’s face it, Kourtney — your younger sister Kim stole all the glory, first by releasing a steamy sex tape and then by blanketing all media with the most famous “asset” anyone has ever seen. When it comes to Kardashian “hotness,” she’s considered the gold standard. Your youngest sister Khloe is famous for suddenly becoming hot. Kendall and Kylie, your youngest sibling competition, were automatically vaulted to the hotness status the minute they turned 18. So, Kourtney Kardashian, are you hot or not? There’s only one way to find out.
15. Hot In Miami
So we might as well start off with a legitimately hot picture of our lady Kourtney, shall we? OK, wait a second. Who am I kidding calling this one “legitimately hot?” This is seriously hot — like smoking hot! Just take a look at Kourtney here in a promo shot for her spinoff show, Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami. You’re damn right she took Miami. And Miami Beach and Coconut Grove and Coral Gables and pretty much all of Miami-Dade county. Wow, Kourtney — yellow suits you. As does that tan. I wonder if she used her own product, “Kardashian Glamour Tan,” to achieve that effect. I’ve got to say, my knowledge of Kourtney before I started researching this article led me to believe that she had nothing on Kim. But girl, this is hot — that gold navel piercing and sultry “come hither” look are just icing on the Kourtney cake. Bravo girl, bravo!
14. Not-Hot Pineapple Hair Job
OK, so this is how it’s gonna be I guess. For every hot pic of Kourtney out there, I’m gonna have to share one that’s maybe not so hot. “Why, Geer?” you ask, “Why for the love of God can’t you just show her hot shots?” Well, dear reader, because that’s not how we roll when we’re discussing whether a starlet is hot or not. You’ve got to take the bad with the good and make up your own mind at the end. Sorry, guys, that’s just the way it is, as the old Bruce Hornsby hit once told us. Anyway, putting your hair up in a pineapple bun has never helped any lady look good ever, as far as I’m concerned. I know I’m right, too, and so do you. When you add in the excessive lip gloss Kourtney’s got going on here — seriously, it’s like pouring off her face — and the sort of vacuous stare she’s gracing us with, you get a somewhat unflattering look. I’m not saying Kourtney isn’t attractive, but this definitely doesn’t make the hot meter jump.
13. Hot Mama
The so-called “private” lives of the entire Kardashian clan are no secret to anyone. In fact, the family goes out of their way to splash both their clean and dirty laundry all over any media outlet that will cover them. This is, of course, every media outlet ever. They seem to firmly believe in P.T. Barnum’s old adage “There’s no such thing as bad publicity.” Here we have Kourtney shilling for her sister for some reason, wearing a black one-piece with Khloe’s name one it. “Why is she doing that?” you ask. I don’t know, and I don’t care. What I do know is that the 37-year-old mother of three is one serious MILF in this picture. Forget the nanny and the kids in the background and check out Kourtney going for it in a simple black swimsuit. Well, simple, except for her sister’s name emblazoned across it. Black definitely suits her!
12. Leather??? Not Hot
Okay, okay, I spoke too soon — so sue me! Here we have Kourtney looking fairly un-hot, so to speak, in a weird leather outfit she probably had custom made for thousands of dollars. What a waste of money that was! Poor Kourtney probably thought she was going to be the epitome of cool in this ensemble, but honestly, she looks kind of silly, doesn’t she? In fact, she sort of looks like a bad parody of an old Cher video, which, as anyone who has ever seen an old Cher video (and I hope you haven’t) can attest, is not a good look for anybody — especially Cher, but that’s another story for another day. I’m just going to assume that at least Kourtney is using her “PerfectSkin” line here to give her that healthy, rosy glow she’s got going on, as well her aforementioned sunless tanner. But overall, the effect here is like that of a ridiculous dominatrix wannabe, which I’m guessing is not quite what she was shooting for.
11. Back To Hot Swimsuits
Ahh, that’s better now, isn’t it? Kourtney does look good in a swimsuit, especially for a lady with three kids under her belt, so to speak. I suppose you would have to be comfortable in swimwear if you starred in a show called Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami. The whole premise of that show, which I have never seen and never will see — hey, my dedication to research is only so great — is that the two sisters are opening up one of their boutiques in Miami. The cameras follow them around for the obligatory drama and total lack of knowledge anyone could ever use in any meaningful sense. I mean, c’mon, we all know these shows are seriously vapid. Does anyone actually care whether a clothing boutique owned by the Kardashian sisters is successful or not? I would say not, except maybe, just maybe, Kourtney got this beach ensemble from her own shop, in which case, I guess, I do care.
10. Creepy Un-Hot Choker Look
I’m thinking maybe Kourtney shouldn’t wear chokers. It seems like every time she does so in an effort to look hot, she ends up looking just a little bit off. Take this shot for example. Once again, we have Kourtney rocking way too much lip gloss. But that’s not the real culprit. The real culprit is that choker, which makes her neck look unnaturally thin, like a sexy flamingo — if flamingos were sexy, which they are most decidedly not. Or perhaps the real culprit here is her severely drawn back hair, which helps achieve the vampire look she’s probably not going for. I’m already leaning toward Kourtney being one hot lady, but the Sexy-Vampire-Flamingo look is tilting the scales just a bit in the other direction. The best part of this pic is that you can really see how awesome Kourtney’s mixed Armenian, Scottish, and other ethnic heritages have given her such a cool exotic look. It’s too bad the effect is sort of ruined.
9. Classically Hot
One of the reasons I know Kourtney has Scottish ancestry in her background is that she named her second child Scotland after that ancestry. Even though it’s just her daughter Penelope’s middle name, I think that’s pretty cool, being of Scottish ancestry on both sides of the family myself. Perhaps if she and Scott Disick are ever well and truly broken up for real, I can convince Kourtney to sew me a kilt — a swimwear one of course. Or maybe she and I could open up a Haggis stand… Anyway, here’s Kourtney looking classically hot in white at a red carpet event. “Which one?” you ask. “Who cares,” I answer. They’re all the same to you and me since we don’t attend them anyway. I wonder if they’re all the same to the people who do attend them all the time. I would think most red carpet events become incredibly boring after a while. Unless there’s free booze and “Casino Night” inside. Then I would be In like Flynn.
8. Exercise Bikes Are Never Hot
Did your family ever own one of those crazy exercise bikes that nobody ever used? Or an elliptical — or God forbid — a Nordic Trak? If you did, then you know what I’m talking about. Exercise bikes always end up as clothes hangers or dangerous playthings in my house; nobody ever actually used them after the first few weeks. They just sat there being all angular and metallic and in the way until somebody decided to haul them out to the curb. This, by the way, required more exercise than anyone ever got out of actually using the damn things. So it should come as no surprise that home gym equipment doesn’t usually equal hot. Not even when Kourtney is riding a bike in a tropical locale showing off her weight loss. Not even when she’s pursing her lips for the camera. Nope, the whole thing is just un-hot.
7. But Black Almost Always Is
Apart from her escapade in leather that we discussed above, Kourtney has done quite well for herself in the hotness department when she wears black. This picture is more proof that our gal can definitely bring it when she shows up in black. In fact, this one sort of reminds us of that very first hot picture we saw of her. Yeah, yeah, I know she’s not wearing a sexy swimsuit here, but she’s got that same “I’m hot, and both you and I know it” look going on. And her hair is a masterpiece — a perfectly captured flowing moment of glory. I know I’m waxing rhapsodic, but when Kourtney gets a look like this going, it’s very hard to resist, isn’t it? She also seems invested in the camera, which, for Kourtney, sometimes seems a harder thing to do than, say, younger sister Kim, who never met a camera she didn’t love.
6. Serious Selfie Fail
If little sister Kim is the queen of the selfies — and she most assuredly is — then big sister Kourtney has some work to do to catch up to her. Well, I’m sorry, but this particular selfie is just not going to do the job. This shot was posted after Kourtney lost a bunch of weight. Now, I know everyone wants to cheer her for her weight loss after having children, and I definitely applaud that — Lord knows I need to do so myself. But posting unsettling photos of yourself half-passed out in your shoe closet isn’t necessarily the best way to show off your weight loss. That’s just my opinion anyway. I mean, Kourtney here looks like a waif who’s fallen and can’t get up. She also seems a little zoned out, like the pod people took her over and are forcing her to post weird selfies. Fight the power, Kourtney! Be yourself; resist the pod people!
5. Simple White Is Simply Hot
We’ve already established that Kourtney almost always looks great in black, except for that weird leather ensemble, of course. That’s right; I’m not gonna let her off the hook for that fashion faux pas. But what about simple white? Can Kourtney stand the heat when every eye is focused on her rather than on any crazy clothes or swimsuits she might be wearing? Well, we see here, in a shot of a younger Kourtney, that the answer is most emphatically yes! Kourtney looks simply stunning when she goes simply white, doesn’t she? As always, when she looks good, her hair is perfect (just like the werewolf of London from Warren Zevon’s old song), and she’s even sort of smiling in this shot — that’s not something we always get from Kourtney. By the way, did you know that Kourtney actually starred in something called Filthy Rich: Cattle Drive long before Keeping up with the Kardashians hit it big? Neither did I. Apparently, the show involved rich kids working on a cattle ranch in Colorado. Sounds riveting.
4. Domineering Moms Are Not Hot
Everyone knows all of the rumors about Kris Jenner (nee Kardashian). You know, that the “Momager” is the one who actually leaked her daughter Kim’s sex tape to get the whole family’s showbiz career started. Or that she’s the evil mastermind behind all of their business endeavors. Or, or, or… Well, say what you will about the lady, but she sure seems to have carved out a lasting entertainment empire using her family’s name, hasn’t she? Actually, to be precise, using her long-dead husband’s name — but why quibble over minor details? Anyway, this pic goes a long way toward showing, in a very immediate way, Kris’s “ownership” of her daughters. Kourtney could actually look pretty darn hot here if it weren’t for her Mom’s arms encircling her like an anaconda, squeezing every last breath of life (or dollar) out of her. I know I’m probably reading too much into a random candid, but this pose freaks me out!
3. Swimsuits Still Are
In other news, here’s a hot mom chilling beachside without her creepy mom hanging all over her. If you remember our very first pic, then you remember that Kourtney looked really (really!) good in yellow. Apparently, from the looks of this little number, that hasn’t changed. While Kourtney isn’t as tanned here — maybe that Kardashian sunless tanner-line went under — she sure looks toned. I’m not sure what the necklace/’hip-lace” thing is, but it seems to work. Kourtney, if you can believe it, once worked on the soap opera One Life to Live. That’s right; she guest-starred in one episode a few years back and called it “a lifelong dream.” I suppose when you grow up as one of the stars of a reality TV soap opera, it must be cool to step into the make-believe world of “real” soap operas for just a moment and leave all of your “troubles” behind you. But that’s just a guess — I haven’t ever starred in anything.
2. Pod People Are Still Not Hot
So I already know what you’re going to say about this one. You’re going to say, “Geer, I already figured out that you’re alternating hot and not-hot pics and you screwed up. This one is hot when it should be not!” to which I’ll respond, “Not so fast, brave and loyal reader!” Sure, I’m perfectly willing to admit that Kourtney appears, on the surface, to be pretty darn hot in this picture. She’s got her great hair going, she looks trim and fit (as a former spokesperson for Quick Trim should), and she’s perfectly made up. But… look at her eyes man! They follow you wherever you go — you can’t get away from them. What did those pesky pod people do with the real Kourtney? I know she sometimes has a hard time smiling for the camera, but here, she looks like she’s going to assimilate the camera.
1. And One Final Hot Swimsuit Shot
So we’ve come to the end of Kourtney’s long and winding road. I’m pretty sure I know which side of the “hot or not” debate I land on when it comes to our lady Kourtney, but I’ll let you make your own decision about that. I know, I know… I’m generous that way. You don’t have to thank me, although cash contributions to my GoFundMe campaign to visit Kourtney and discuss our mutual Scottish heritage are, of course, always welcome. Kourtney certainly does know how to rock a swimsuit even if she gets a bit confused in the leather department. (I did say I wouldn’t let that one go.) I like her sunglasses here, too — a lady with a monster pair of sunglasses can go either way, but Kourtney pulls off the look nicely. I guess I have to say that for all of her exposure, Kourtney maybe doesn’t get quite the love that her younger sisters do — and maybe this article will help set that right.