It’s a been a few months, and we haven’t had another great celebrity phone or computer hack spilling tons of naked pictures (that were never meant for our eyes) of our favorite starlets onto the Internet. What are our computer nerds doing? Trying to influence elections in other countries? Leave that to the Russian hackers.
Over the last few years, we’ve grown accustomed to being bombarded with the occasional spate of drama when a celebrity starts telling us that they’ve contacted the FBI to catch the bad guys and that we should all be ashamed for looking at the nude selfies they took of themselves in the mirror. Or, if you’re Aubrey Plaza, WWE Diva Paige, or Jennifer Lawrence, perhaps more than just a selfie.
We’re not saying that we think breaking into people’s private property and stealing is a good thing. It’s not. Nobody should do it. It’s against the law and a hefty fine and jail term should come with such horrible illegal behavior. However, if these hackers are going to continue to behave in such dastardly ways, we do have a wish list.
Before you start asking “Why isn’t so-and-so here?” go do some research. You’d be shocked how many women in Hollywood have been hacked. There are still so many attention whores we know must have something on their phones. So, if this were a letter, we’d start it this way:Dear Hackers: These 15 Hot Celebs Are On Our Wish List.
15. Jessica Alba
While she’s certainly slowed down her acting career in favor of being a mother and other entrepreneurial ventures, there was a period of time in the late 90s and early 2000s when Jessica Alba was riding high with Dark Angel and entering movies, before celebrity hacks were even a thing, that she was arguably the most drooled over celebrity in the world. For a lot of guys, she still is. There’s something about this woman that just oozes beauty in everything she does, be it in whatever role, interview, or just walking down the street. There could be no photo or film clip hacked of her that isn’t the exact same way. She could have just rolled out of bed naked with the flu at 3 a.m., stumbled to the bathroom, vomited into the toilet, wiped her mouth with her arm, and stumbled back into bed… all in very bad lighting, and you’re still going to see headlines read “Super Sexy Jessica Alba Video Surfaces!” And you know what? It would be accurate.
14. Mila Kunis
The problem with starting your career by playing the sexy iconic character of Jackie on That 70s Show and having a super recognizable voice that’s heard 100 times a day on TV as Meg in The Family Guy is that Mila Kunis will never, ever escape those two roles. Sure, she’s done other things, but she can’t escape being Mila Kunis. She might as well just keep selling Jim Beam the rest of her life. But, if that’s the biggest problem this beautiful multi-millionaire ever has, it’s going to be hard to ever feel bad for her. Even if she does ever get hacked, it’s going to be hard to feel bad for her. Yeah, an invasion of privacy sucks, but it would be a wonderful gift for all of her male fans — probably a lot of the female ones, too.
13. Megan Fox
Had Megan Fox come along 10 years later, she probably would have had a reality show, been hacked 12 times, and ended up so much more famous than she did. Instead, she chose some really bad movies, married that douchebag from 90210, had too many kids, and now just gives really weird interviews. Considering everything else, she still looks great, and yeah, we’d still welcome a good old-fashioned hack. We’d expect it to be something really strange, too. If it was just a normal celebrity standing in front of the bathroom mirror selfie, we’d actually be disappointed. We’d expect her to be doing yoga on hot coals while servants beat her with palm leaves or something equally weird. What’s even weirder is that she hasn’t been hacked to this point. She seems like the kind of woman who would live her life as a nudist. Why isn’t there a cellphone camera in the room?
12. Olivia Wilde
Early in her career, we thought Olivia Wilde was going to be a big movie star, and she did get roles in a few films. Television seemed to be just a temporary thing, but for whatever reason, it never all came together. Now, she takes smaller roles, guest roles, and has even taken to doing nudity in some of her roles. It didn’t turn out the way we expected. We also never would have expected she’d ever do anything as crazy as take a naked selfie, but since she’s proven us wrong so often to this point, we’re starting to think there’s probably a folder of photos somewhere she doesn’t want the world to see. And, yeah, we want to see them. We still can’t tell if she’d be a totally normal, fun chick to hang out with or if she’d be a high-class snob who would act above us. Those photos may go a long way toward answering those questions, so they serve a higher purpose, too.
11. Emma Stone
Part of the reason that hacks are such great fun, along with the unintended public nudity and anger it brings the horrible actresses, is that it pulls back the curtain on a carefully crafted public image most of these women try to portray. We have a feeling that if you asked most of the women who’ve been hacked prior to their nude selfies going public, “Hey, have you ever stood in front of your bathroom mirror and taken a naked photo of yourself?” they would say, “Of course not! I’m not that kind of person!” And then we get proof that they are. What does anybody really know about Emma Stone? She seems like a cool, regular kind of girl. She doesn’t act aloof in interviews. When Jennifer Lawrence was hacked, she was caught doing all kinds of goofy dances and acting like a fool, just like a lot of people do. It humanized her, but it did hurt her public image. We wonder what would happen with Emma Stone’s image.
10. Kristen Bell
How is it that Dax Shepard gets to completely destroy an awesome franchise like CHiPs and has a super-hot wife like Kristen Bell? He seriously did something amazing in a former life, like killed Hitler or created the polio vaccine, because things should have turned out different. Things should’ve also turned out different for Bell’s career. We imagine if she would’ve come along 15 years earlier, she might have been another Alyssa Milano or Shannen Doherty, having made her name as a teenager on TV or perhaps as a Baywatch babe. Either way, we would’ve seen her nude in Playboy or in a cheesy movie where she finally took off her shirt. That’s not going to happen now. The best we can hope for is that Dax convinced his wife to get a little crazy one night, and he snapped some pictures she should’ve known better than to have taken.
9. Penelope Cruz
It’s not like it’s hard to find photos or video clips of Penelope Cruz nude. The Vanilla Sky star did plenty of Spanish language films without clothes on to different explicit degrees. She’s one of those stars who seem incredibly free with their bodies, and that’s kind of intriguing. If she’s willing to be so free on screen as an actress, just how free is she willing to be in real life? We imagine her phone has thousands of naked pictures of her and so many video clips that she needs to continue to add additional memory. Maybe that’s just wishful thinking. Have hackers even taken a look at her phone? She’s still beautiful, but she’s starting to get up there in age, so before she decides she can’t continue to behave in a sexy manner behind closed doors anymore, get hacking! Quit your stalling!
8. Sarah Hyland
Hyland was allegedly hacked back in the summer of 2014, but based on the fact that there was no scar where she had kidney transplant surgery, the photo that was supposed to be her has largely been discredited as a fake. You can’t convince us that somebody as beautiful as Hyland who has grown up in an era of Hollywood where celebrities live on their phones, are always doing photo shoots where they regularly cover their naughty bits, and are clearly taking dirty selfies isn’t doing a bit of this herself. We understand why her co-star, Ariel Winter, maybe hasn’t had anything show up yet since she’s much younger, but hackers have had 10 years worth of photos to find with Hyland. She was of legal age from the day Modern Family began, and she’s had a couple of long-term boyfriends. The photos have to be out there somewhere. They have to be!
7. Alexa Bliss
In the recent spate of celebrity photo/clip hacks, one of the major victims was WWE Diva Paige who was seen in a series of clips having sex with several of her fellow wrestlers and enjoying a variety of sex toys. She hasn’t been back to work since those photos were released. A couple other wrestlers, like Victoria and Summer Rae were also hacked in the latest round, but if we were going to point to one wrestler we think is the hottest whose privacy we’d hate to see violated but whose photos we’d love to get a look at, it would be Alexa Bliss. The former fitness model recently made the transition from Smackdown Live to Monday Night Raw and was immediately thrown into the main event because the bosses know that viewers want to see her. Well, viewers want to see a lot more, but we have to hope some sketchy dudes behind computers handle that end of things for us.
6. Anna Kendrick
Known as “The Fappening,” the original major celebrity photo leak back in the summer of 2014 included several dozen celebrities, and if you look at the list, you’ll see Anna Kendrick’s name among the victims. However, when you go take a look at the pictures, it’s the most G-rated hack we’ve ever seen. Including her name is blasphemy. You can see more skin in Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates. When that leak happened, Kendrick was quoted as saying she wasn’t phased photos of her in non-revealing lingerie at a costume party got out because her photo was full of nothing but photos of her with her cat. It’s probably true because since then, we’ve never seen anything close to another leaked photo. She’s an amazing actress be it in adult dramas like Up in the Air or teen crap like Pitch Perfect, but we’d rather see her in the kind of short documentaries she films herself that only her boyfriend was supposed to see.
5. Zooey Deschanel
For somebody who’s made being a quirky, liberal nimrod her calling card for the last 10 years, Zooey Deschanel has been disappointingly conservative with her choice of roles and the apparel she’s worn in those roles. Do we even have one really good paparazzi photo of Zooey in a bikini? Maybe she’s too smart to be caught in a position to be photographed wearing nothing but a smile, but we have to believe this Katy Perry lookalike must have slipped up along the way, and there’s got to be a photo out there somewhere she’s protecting. We know she’s big into the girl power thing, so maybe she could just leak the photos herself before anybody else takes advantage of her. That would show everybody else who’s boss, right? We don’t think she’d buy it either, but it’s worth a shot.
4. Victoria Justice
It’s not that she’s our absolute favorite of the crop of Disney and Nickelodeon babes from her era; it’s just that all of the others, from Selena Gomez to Vanessa Hudgens to Ariana Grande have all already been hacked. The only two left standing are Victoria Justice and Miley Cyrus, and let’s be honest… if Miley Cyrus were hacked, how would anybody know? Finding a naked photo of her online is almost as hard as finding one with clothes. Justice has found success on Broadway and looked hot wearing her bra and panties through a remake of Rocky Horror Picture Show on Fox last year, but either hackers can’t figure out this girl’s password or she just doesn’t take the kind of pictures a lot of guys like to believe are in a folder on her phone labeled “Super Hot Naked Pictures of Me, Victoria Justice.”
Yeah, she doesn’t have the greatest body in the world, and she’s not as young as she used to be, but can you imagine if Beyonce, of all people, became the victim of a nude photo hack? Suddenly, Jay-Z would have 100 problems because the one he always brags about not having would be a monster to deal with. This would be another one of those situations where it would be fascinating to see exactly what the context of the photos is. Is it just a simple bathroom mirror selfie or maybe a topless photo by the pool, or is it a video clip? Is it with Jay-Z? Does it get sexual? Does it get weird? If Beyonce is keeping explicit material that she stars in on her phone, what is it? This would be the kind of thing that people who barely know how to use the Internet nor care for p–n would know about.
2. Ivanka Trump
This would be awesome not because she’s an incredibly hot woman or because she’s the daughter of the President of the United States but because we’d get to see how the President of the United States would react. If any other adult first daughter had something like this while in office, the President would ignore the event; there would be some kind of official “no comment” from the Press Secretary, and that would be the end of it. But you know that’s not what would happen in Ivanka‘s case. Donald would jump onto Twitter and start talking, first saying it was a horrible thing, then begin talking about how he was going to get back at whoever did it, then say it wasn’t a big deal and probably spend five or six days babbling just making the whole situation worse. It would be hilarious!
1. Taylor Swift
We can’t imagine another celebrity who would surprise us in a hacking scandal more than Taylor Swift. She seems like the kind of person who showers in a one-piece swimsuit just to make sure there isn’t any paparazzi spying on her, much less the kind who is going to be careless enough to take naked photos of herself and leave them on her phone. We have a feeling that since she’s been such a positive role model for girls and young women over the last decade, people would probably immediately jump to her defense and give her a pass on this one, which we would totally be behind. In fact, we think every one of these women and everyone who’s been hacked to this point deserves a pass. They did nothing wrong. But wow, imagine a Taylor Swift hack. Say whatever you want about Kim Kardashian. THAT would break the Internet.