Playboy magazine, for a couple of generations, was the go-to place for the world’s celebrity skin needs. Hugh Hefner’s creation was one of the few things that never went out of style decade after decade. If you were a young actress on your way up or an aging actress who still looked decent on your way down – in either case in need of a career boost – Playboy magazine was there to share your chest with the world. It was the classy magazine with naked ladies, not like the other ones we called “dirty magazines.”
But then the Internet came along and every nude scene from every movie ever made was suddenly available. As was every Playboy pictorial. In fact, everything ever committed to film, including ex-girlfriends, neighbors, hacked photos, paparazzi….everything. Couple that with a relaxed overall attitude toward sexuality and nudity and suddenly a new issue of Playboy wasn’t so special and its circulation fell. A falling circulation means less money to offer celebrities to pose. Suddenly, you’ve got a snowball effect.
In early 2016, the braintrust at Playboy decided to put clothes back on the models and simply try to have sexy pictorials like Maxim or FHM. Thankfully it only took a year to recognize what a dumb idea that was. We’ll just forget it happened, but we think that Playboy needs to commit some resources to bringing the magazine back to its former glory and we think there are a bunch of celebrities at various stages in their career who may be able to capitalize on the boost the magazine could give them. Now that it’s back to normal, here are 15 Women Who Need Hugh Hefner’s Magazine NOW!
15. Jennifer Love Hewitt
If you go look at a photo of Jennifer Love Hewitt when she was 18 years old on Party of Five or I Know What You Did Last Summer when she was America’s hottest female 20 years ago, you would have guessed at some point, we would have seen the goods along the way. The big 4-0 is approaching and Hewitt has somehow managed to eke out a B-level career keeping that massive chest covered. You’ve got to give her credit though. Those gigs were literally half a life ago and it doesn’t look like she’s aged more than a year or two. It also doesn’t look like she’s needed any plastic surgery to keep things looking youthful and hopefully she doesn’t go that route. Playboy was huge when she was a teen heartthrob with people like Jenny McCarthy and Pamela Anderson making names for themselves at the time. Hewitt doesn’t need to make a name for herself but it would still make us never forget her name when her looks eventually do go south.
14. Ashley Tisdale
It’s time for the former Disney starlet to accept the fact that her career isn’t going as well as she thought it would and despite trying to play a bad girl cheerleader in Hellcats – a show we couldn’t watch even though she was wearing a short skirt – it’s time for Ashley Tisdale to make the big move and appear on the pages of Playboy. She doesn’t have to worry about offending any of her young fans because she doesn’t have any young fans anymore and if she’s looking to build a new fan base, showing as much skin as possible is probably her best way. Realistically the best career she can probably hope for is one like Elizabeth Berkley from Saved by the Bell and while we can laugh about Showgirls, that movie made her a household name and being a household name from the 1980s and early 1990s is what gets you steady work on the Hallmark Channel. Losing her top today may mean a lot more work in wholesome roles in the future the weird way Hollywood works.
13. Ariel Winter
She seems hell bent on letting the world see as much of her cleavage and butt cheeks as the PG-13 rated magazines will allow, so why wouldn’t Ariel Winter just go ahead and full monty it with the most historic magazine the spawned all of those pretenders? Well, one reason could be because she’s disgustingly rich based on all of those years on Modern Family, but then again, she wouldn’t have needed to do all of those other tease pictorials to show off her surgically reduced chest if it was really about the money. Winter has appeared in a few other TV and movie projects, but like most child stars, it’s going to be hard to shake off her iconic geek role of Alex Dunphy. Odds are there is some kind of moral clause in her current contract, but the moment Modern Family is over – which we really hope is soon – Winter should make sure her agent have the Playboy people on speed dial.
12. Melissa Rauch
Kaley Cuoco isn’t going to ever do it and after the celebrity hacking photo leak she was part of a few years back, it isn’t nearly as important we see her in Playboy. If the world is going to get a female cast member of The Big Bang Theory to show up in the world’s most famous skin magazine, it’s going to fall on Melissa Rauch’s shoulders and at 36 years old, the clock is ticking. Fans thought they were going to get their chance a while back when rumors of her doing a nude scene in the movie The Bronze hit the Internet, but when the movie finally was released, everything shown was of a body double. She’s been on the show long enough to have socked away a lot of money, but her role of Bernadette is so specific, she’s in the same boat as someone like Ariel Winter of Modern Family. She needs to do something radical to make us see her as anything but her most famous character. Playboy is a great first step.
11. Victoria Justice
When you’ve got a Disney or Nickelodeon starlet you can guess they’re going to become a sexy little vixen like Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera or Miley Cyrus…or they’re going to become a poster child for being a frigid former teen star like Hilary Duff, Miranda Cosgrove or Melissa Joan Hart. We worried Justice was going to end up in the second category, but then were given the gift of Fox Network’s remake of The Rocky Horror Picture Show in late 2016 which featured Justice in her bra and panties for almost the entire length of the musical. Of course, Playboy was forcing ladies to keep their shirts on so we had nothing to pray for. That’s changed now! Justice’s career hasn’t quite exploded as she’d probably hoped. Being one of the first back in the new and improved Playboy would get her name back in the mainstream and make a lot of men happy.
10. Kendall Jenner
It seems like it’s just a matter of time until one of the Kardashian/Jenners takes off her clothes for Playboy and since Kim already did; we’re down to four choices, although we think the odds are probably highest Kim does a repeat before her sisters show up. If Hefner could convince all five to pose at the same time, that would absolutely blow all sales out of the water, but it would probably also involve backing up an armored truck to a bank and emptying all of its contents. If we were going to elect just one of the sisters, we’re going with Kendall because she actually seems like the least likely, which makes it the most interesting option. Of course, knowing this family, there would probably be a 12-part special on the E! Channel about the making of the pictorial that ran around the clock and was treated as more important than real news…because it would be.
9. Katie Holmes
Katie Holmes appeared to be on the brink of major stardom when she disappeared into the strangely loving arms of Tom Cruise who had just released Nicole Kidman into the wilderness. The world first met her as the girl next door every guy wished actually lived next door who never actually lives next door so don’t bother looking next door on Dawson’s Creek. Holmes started appearing in major Hollywood films including Go, The Ice Storm and appeared topless in The Gift which was her only major nudity to this point before hooking up with Cruise. Now that she’s been free of Cruise for years and taking new acting jobs we think the best way to throw a lot of spotlight on her at once is to have her take off all of her clothes at once.
8. Alexa Bliss
Lexi Kaufman was just another fitness model signed to a wrestling contract by the WWE before transforming into Alexa Bliss and taking the wrestling world by storm. Whereas most women learn their craft on the indies, perfect it at NXT, then work their way up the roster to the top of the main roster, Bliss has a very different story. She never worked indy shows and spent a good chunk of her time in NXT as the valet for the tag team of Blake and Murphy, who went on to nothing. She was never part of the title scene in NXT while the Four Horsewomen stole headlines. Drafted to SmackDown, she quickly found her place while cosplaying Harley Quinn and quickly became the division’s top heel. She’s also the hottest female wrestler to come along in 20 years since Trish Stratus, a fellow fitness show competitor, joined WWE. Stratus turned down an offer for Playboy. We hope Bliss doesn’t make the same mistake.
7. Aly Raisman
Prior to Playboy returning to its time honored roots of leaving the clothes on the floor where they belong, we convinced ourselves this Olympic gymnast probably wouldn’t have posed, but we have returned to holding out hope. If we gave a gold medal to an Olympian with the best abs, she’d get the medal for the last Olympics easily and we know she’s got the best because she did the “acceptable” almost naked skin magazine job of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. After seeing her pose in a barely-there black swimsuit with less fabric than most pairs of socks, we know she’s not shy sharing the skin. Before she becomes like every other Olympic gymnast and fades into permanent obscurity, we hope this gorgeous brunette will make her country proud one more time by appearing on the pages of the most famous magazine to ever come out of America.
6. Milla Jovovich
There’s no nice way to say this, but Milla Jovovich’s career as “the hot chick” is probably coming to an end, and while she’s an OK actress, she’s not going to be transitioning into roles currently going to Meryl Streep. We suggest she go out with a bang and where better than the pages of Playboy magazine? Her first starring acting role was in the horrible, horrible Return to the Blue Lagoon, which gained some controversy for featuring Jovovich, 15 years old at the time, in nude scenes although they were very tame and she’d already done nude modeling in Europe at the time. After that, she appeared in movies like Dazed and Confused, The Fifth Element and Resident Evil. She’s looking down the barrel of the gun known as her mid-40s, so if she’s going to pull the trigger on Playboy, now is the time.
5. Lele Pons
While Vine may well be dead, the first person to amass one billion loops is alive and doing well. Lele Pons now has 3.4 million subscribers to her YouTube channel and an argument could be made she may be the most famous person to come out of Venezuela over the last 10 years. And what’s one smart thing Venezuela never did? Their version of Playboy never had a one-year ban on nudity, thinking it was somehow going to help sales of the magazine. We think that if she were to pose for the magazine, it would not only go over huge in her homeland, but she could expand her popularity all over the world and it might help Playboy crossover fans between their online site and magazine. You’d think the magazine might actually go after more YouTube stars than it does, but then again, it’s a giant, old corporation and they often have the toughest time changing with the times.
4. Scarlett Johansson
This is the case of somebody we always wanted to see in Playboy, then Playboy goes all soft on us, then the person goes and does a fantastic nude scene, but as it turns out, we still want to see them in Playboy. When Playboy realizes just how few people have ever heard of Under the Skin, it will be like they’re showing the beautiful Scarlett Johansson nude for the first time, or at least for the first time for guys who don’t spend their time on websites that don’t focus on only the nude scenes of movies and cut out all the pointless talking. She’s the only big-name actress in the film and spends a surprising amount of time completely naked and unlike those lucky guys who visit those sites, we’ve seen the movie. It would have been better if she’d just have done Playboy to begin with. She still has time to right that wrong.
3. Shailene Woodley
It’s hard to think when anybody first saw Shailene Woodley as the irritating younger sister in the ABC Family show The Secret Life of the American Teenager that she’d go on to such a big career. It’s even harder to think she’d be so sexy in doing it. If you want to see Woodley without her clothes, she’s done that in film, but we think she would rock a pictorial in Playboy because we know she’d make sure it was artistic, but that she came out looking strong. Most recently in the news for being arrested for protesting an oil pipeline in the Dakotas, she’s proven she’s going to march to the beat of her own drum and the women who are like that who pose often have the best layouts. Hopefully she isn’t too much of a feminist to think she’s above it.
2. Julia Roberts
What would put Playboy magazine back to headline status, where it hasn’t been in 25 years or at least since Baywatch went off the air and the Internet killed the circulation of skin magazines? A bonafide A-list celebrity who never did nudity anywhere else and is finally dropping their top after years of saying they never would and who could still look amazing with a bit of Photoshopping. Our pick would be Julia Roberts. There’s a very young segment of the over-18 magazine buying audience that probably won’t purchase Playboy because it’s just something they don’t do since they weren’t raised with needing to buy magazines for their naked celebrity needs. However, there is that over-30 group that was around before the Internet was all about adult entertainment delivery and grew up watching a very sexy Julia Roberts in some of the biggest movies of the last 25 years. She would sell a lot of issues.
1. Peyton List
How can we leave any young hottie named List off this list? The rule for Playboy is that you have to be 18 years old to pose and since Peyton List turns 19 in April 2017, she more than clears that hurdle. She’s had a decent career to this point, but since she’s a kid, it’s mostly younger audiences who know who she is. She was on the Disney Channel series Jessie and was also in two of the Diary of a Wimpy Kid movies, based on the popular books. With her porcelain skin and bleached blonde hair, we could see her playing the part of a Hollywood ingenue from the 1920s, but if she’s going to get those roles, directors and producers are going to have to know who she is. If she’s able to show she’s liberal with the clothing needs, she’ll probably get plenty of more auditions. Hopefully her agent has already had this conversation with her and they’ve already contacted the magazine Hugh Hefner made famous.