Some people have a serious fear of farting: it’s called flatulophobia. It’s a very real fear that grips many people, making them afraid to break wind in public and sometimes even in private spaces. No one should willingly yield to flatulophobia; however, even those fearless farters out there know that sometimes you’ve got to hold it in.
Holding in farts can be genuinely unhealthy, believe it or not! If you’re regularly holding in gas for long periods of time because you’re shy trying to be polite, it can cause bloating, abdominal pain, constipation, and even bad breath. Holding in farts forces them to mix in with our blood and eventually come out the other end! It’s time to face the fact, that fart is going to come out one way or another whether you like it or not. Might as well get out and save yourself some trouble and discomfort.
Normally, following Shrek’s motto on gaseous bodily functions is a good policy: “better out than in!” But we’ve all been in a tight spot where farting is just not okay. There’s no written rule book saying so, nor a sign banning flatulence, but it is an unwritten known fact that it is not cool. Sure, you knew it wasn’t cool to fart in the middle of a quiet scene in the movie and it’s definitely a date ruiner if you fart before you know each other well, but there are some unexpected places you might not know to hold it in. Here are fifteen places where it’s certainly better to conceal rather let it go!
15. In Front of a Baby
Why should you care about farting in front of a baby? They poop their pants multiple times a day and expect you to clean it up; why should you worry about censoring your farts in front of them? If you’ve ever farted in front of a baby, you know there’s only a few possible reactions it can merit: either that baby will laugh and think it’s the funniest damn thing they’ve ever heard; they can get confused, wondering how it is possible for such a thunderous sound and hellish stench to be released from a human entity; or they will panic, as if their lives have become horror stories judging by the demonic phantoms released from your jeans. Don’t fart in front of babies. It’s cool if they fart because they’re just babies-they don’t know they’re kind of gross, so they are forgiven until around the age of four when it stops being cute and starts being disgusting.
14. A Funeral – The George W. Bush Example
You can try to cough really loud to cover it up. Maybe let out a wail of sadness in hopes it stifles the sounds of your squeaky fart. Or you can pull a George W. Bush and start dancing strangely happily, leading everyone watching you to wonder if you’re high and therefore not notice the fart.
We get that flatulence can strike at any time, but this is certainly an occasion in which you clench your cheeks tight and hold that sucker in. You’re surrounded by grieving and mourning relatives and loved ones of the recently deceased, their days are horrifically depressing enough already. You simply cannot add to their grief by releasing your slow and squeaky fart! What if the fart gets in the casket?! YOU CAN’T BURY SOMEONE WITH A FART! Wait until the ceremony is over, or tearfully excuse yourself because “it’s just too hard, you need a minute” and hurry away in time to relieve yourself somewhere further from a dead body.
13. On a Massage Table – Thank You Costanza
Getting a massage is a lovely, relaxing experience. We build up so much stress in our day to day lives and many of us hold it in the muscles in our upper and lower back. Most massages start out a bit uncomfortable, due to the tightness of muscles, and things get much more luxurious and you relax more. Your muscles loosen up and you start to breathe deeply and you let go of muscles you don’t even consciously control, including those surrounding your bowels.
You’re paying someone to stay on their feet for an hour, sometimes longer, and rub lotion all over you. While you’re relaxing, they’re actually building up tension. Don’t make their job more miserable and uncomfortable by letting one rip in the middle of the session. Nothing ruins aromatherapy candles and warm towels like a hot, sticky burrito fart. Plan wisely and make sure you don’t set yourself up for disaster when you lay on that massage table.
All churches, at any time, no matter what. Just don’t fart in a church. Even if you’re not a religious person or the religious sanctuary you are in is not of a religion that you prescribe to, have the dignity, composure, and respect to keep your poop juice contained until you’re out of a holy sanctum. Religious services can be long, especially around holidays and spiritual celebrations, but imagine how much longer that service would feel if someone in your immediate surroundings dropped one holy hell of a fart in front of you; it’s hard to get on your knees and pray when it smells like diner brunch toots. If you really can’t contain yourself, excuse yourself. It’s not a sin to miss the second reading or a hymn you’ve sung a million times before; however, one could justify that crop dusting the congregation with farts is harming thy neighbor.
11. At the Doctor’s Office
It seems kind of contradictory, doesn’t it? Doctors are medical professionals that are there to help you feel better. If anyone can understand the need to relieve the pressure of a long and loud fart, it must be a doctor – right? Wrong. Totally uncool to fart anywhere in a doctors office. And we mean ANYWHERE. If you fart in the waiting room, you’re subjecting already ill patients to the musky, nauseating smell of your flatulence; if you fart in the bathroom, whatever patient comes in next will be ambushed by the poisonous stench; even if you wait until you are in a private room by yourself, if you fart you will have to deal with that the entire time you interact with your doctor. What if it lingers? The whole time the doc is asking you to breath deeply so they can listen to your lungs will be torture.
Alright, this one is kind of obvious. If you’re in a crowded elevator, you’re smart enough to know that the worst thing you could possibly do is let out a fart – and worse yet, to try to pin it on someone else. If you’re gonna terrorize people with your fart, at least own it. If there is anyway you can hold that toot in, you better do it. But even when you’re in an elevator alone and you think, “I can fart here. There’s no one else to smell it and I won’t be trapped with it for long,” you could be making a huge mistake. Consider the possibilities: what if the elevator stops on an unexpected floor and you’re joined by another person who not only must endure that fart but knows it only could have come from you? Or worse yet, what if that elevator breaks down and you are trapped in that small room with your massive fart? We guarantee you’ll be pressing that emergency button like there’s no tomorrow.
9. Swimming Pool
People do all sorts of unhygienic and disgusting things in a swimming pool. It’s incredibly common for people to urinate in a pool, hoping that no one is going to notice the water getting suspiciously warmer (though swimmers should beware of spreading blue dye in water, as some pools chemically indicate high ammonia levels). People also spit a lot under water, leaving sticky saliva behind to taint the water for someone else. However, one of the worst things you can do underwater is fart. Firstly, those bubbles are going to surface pretty quickly so you’d better hope no one’s around to notice it. Also, if it’s a particularly desperate fart that you really can’t hold in, you ought to consider the possibilities of that fart going wrong. What if it’s a bit… juicier… than you’d intended? Suddenly, you’ll be surrounded by a cloud of brown water. Not only would that be mortifying but grossly unsanitary and nausea provoking.
Some people really look forward to flying, but airplane flights can be some of the most unpleasant experiences. First of all, you’re trapped in a metal tube with barely any wiggle room so any screaming babies or coughing passengers are no longer annoyances; they are nuisances and threats to personal health. Your experience flying can be determined largely by the neighbors in your row. Hopefully you don’t get stuck with the middle seat because, if you do, you’ve got two jerks to worry about. It only takes one of them falling asleep on your shoulder, snoring too loudly, or simply being obese to ruin your time. But the worst thing they or you can do is to fart. You’re trapped above the clouds in a haze of fart that probably smells like airport pizza and there is absolutely no way to escape for potentially hours. If you must fart, go to the tiny bathroom that takes shimmying to fit yourself into and spare your fellow passengers the horror.
7. A Wedding
Weddings are some of the most special and memorable days of peoples’ lives. Some people wind up talking about the magic of their wedding days decades after it came and went, after their spouses have deceased, and even after marriages have failed. If you have the honor to be invited to someone’s wedding, it’s only proper manners that you do all that you can to make that day as perfect as possible for the bride and groom. Dress well and in their color scheme; don’t steal any attention away from the family of the betrothed or the newlyweds themselves; and for Pete’s sake, have some decorum. Once the marriage ceremony has begun, you really shouldn’t leave unless you have explosive diarrhea. Get all your farts out before the room goes quiet for the vows and “I Do’s,” or you will forever be a part of their wedding story as ‘the jerk that ripped one and caused an intermission in the ceremony.’
6. During Sex
We should start this off honestly: we’ve all done it before. When we’re having sex we’re either engaging all of our muscles and getting in such a workout that the farts just force their way out, or we’re so incredibly relaxed in a state of euphoria that they just slide out. It’s happened to us all, don’t lie. However, it’s disgusting and awful and totally unacceptable.
As we’ve all been there before, you probably have stories about farting in the middle of sex and pushing through it anyways. While all is well that ends well, that doesn’t mean it was as good for both parties as you’d hoped. If a woman farts during sex, she likely gets embarrassed and the guy gets a bit turned off but the act can commence as planned. If a man farts during sex, it can ruin everything. Since it’s sometimes unavoidable, here are some quick tips: first, DON’T LAUGH. If you crack yourself up because you farted during sex, she is going to be so turned off that the evening will feel like a waste; second, if it smells, you really have to acknowledge it. If she’s good enough to continue, you owe her.
5. Clothes Fittings
Whether you’re going in to get fitted for your new suit or you’re trying on gowns for a wedding, be mindful of what you eat beforehand and do everything in your power to keep the farts at bay. While it’s embarrassing and kind of gross to fart in your own clothes that you’ve been wearing for years, farting in a piece of new clothing, especially fancy clothes, is gross, unacceptable, and kind of scary. What if your one terrible fart ruins the outfit? Even worse, if you’re simply trying something on at a store before you’ve bought it and you fart in it, it practically makes it unwearable for anyone in the future! Farting in a bunch of clothes that aren’t yours yet and returning them to the racks would be an evil (and, yes, a bit hilarious) thing to do. If you must eat before your fittings, eat a salad or something else light and bland that you know will not upset your stomach. Now is not the time to try out that new Brazilian Steakhouse.
4. Job Interview
Imagine taking days to prepare for an interview. You’ve researched the company, you know you’re a good fit, you are excited at the prospects of continuing your career in this new place – all you have to do is nail the interview and hope you make a good enough impression on the company that they’ll take a chance on you. You want to dress nicely (though a tuxedo is a bit too much), coif your hair, practice your interview responses, and go in with a level head. Perhaps most importantly, you’ll want to go to the bathroom before meeting your interviewer. If you’re holding in a bowel movement the whole interview, you’re certainly going to be distracted. If so much as a tiny squeak of a fart slips out, you can be damn certain you’re probably not getting the job. Also, word to the wise: don’t fart in reception before you go back to the interview either. In all likelihood, the receptionist will pass along their impression of you and a fart never leaves a good impression.
3. In a Full Car
Road trips are hard. You’re trapped in a small car for extended periods of time and you’re usually eating terrible fast food that is not easy on your stomach. In all likelihood, you’re going to get the toots at some point. If you’re the lucky sort, you’ll only start feeling the urge to fart as you’re nearing a rest stop or a gas station. If that’s the case, take every opportunity to get up and walk around outside. Walking around will help those bowels move and get all the farts out quickly, and it’s better to leave those farts at an Indiana gas station than have to live with them and share them with your road trip buddies for hours to come. If you are trapped with farts in the car, you better hope you’ve got a window seat. Rolling the windows down if you’re not sitting near a window will hardly help to get the stench out of the car, and you will be the most hated member of your party.
2. In a Classroom
When we were young, some of us would even have nightmares about farting in class. If we ever did fart in class, we got one of two reactions: either the whole class would laugh with us, as if we just played a prank on the teacher and somehow the establishment; or the whole class would laugh at us and we’d be the laughing stock of the school for a week or so, until someone else embarrassed themselves and shifted attention away. Not only can a classroom be an embarrassing place to fart, but it’s deadly. If you fart at the beginning of class, you’re stuck sitting in that fart for at least an hour. Even as an adult in college classes, you should know better than to fart; no one wants to deal with your flatulence as they pursue higher education. Get yourself a hall pass and go to the bathroom if you need to fart.
1. Your Office Bathroom
There are certain mistakes you can make that are potentially career ruining. Don’t hit on your secretary or, worse, the cute stranger that wanders into the office and turns out to be your higher up’s spouse. Don’t get caught regularly working on your personal life during office hours, like planning a wedding or watching a movie at your desk. Perhaps one of the worst mistakes you can make in your office, and one of the easiest to do, is to fart in your office bathroom. If you know you’re going to have an especially rancid fart or poop, go to a different level of your office building or far away from your coworkers and boss. If you sound a reverberating fart through your bathroom that is smelt or heard by anyone in or around the bathroom and it can be traced back to you, you can consider all your dedicated networking moot. You will forever be ‘that guy you don’t want to be in the bathroom with,’ and your coworkers, boss, and even those that report to you will take you much less seriously.