I guess we don’t have to tell you that this past election cycle has made everyone absolutely insane and with the unexpected Donald Trump win, it’s only gotten worse. Just in time for fun family discussions at Thanksgiving! Yay?
The news and media outlets have dissected both Hillary and Trump’s political leanings, their past, their missteps and their families. Donald Trump and his family in particular have been under the microscope and have been fodder for talk show hosts and internet memes ever since the election began. His wife, Melania, has been scrutinized for her salacious modelling past. Donald Trump’s son, Donald Jr., has been criticized for comparing Syrians to Skittles. Eric Trump has been criticized for his rich boy, big game hunting. Plus, we all couldn’t help but notice that Barron Trump was more excited about going to bed than celebrating his dad’s presidential win. Trump’s daughters have also been scrutinized, primarily Donald’s close-slash-slightly incestuous relationship with his beautiful daughter Ivanka. But for the most part, it seems like Donald Trump’s kids are not only prepared, but also seemed to be groomed to hold up to the pressure of being under a microscope.
With the exception of Tiffany Trump.
During the Republican National Convention, most of the us were surprised to see another Trump daughter besides Ivanka show up. Tiffany Trump, daughter of Marla Maples and Donald Trump during their short-lived marriage, has stayed pretty low key until now. With her father running for office and now as a President-elect, it seems as if poor Tiffany has had no choice but to step into the spotlight. But who is Tiffany Trump? Is she the black sheep of the family? Why hasn’t she been seen by the public until now? But more importantly, does she want to be in the spotlight? Or is she secretly crying for help? Like all responsible journalists of today, we’re going to go ahead and do zero research and assume the latter. Here are 15 ways we think Tiffany Trump is secretly crying for help.
15. Subtle Eye Signals
They say the eyes are the windows to the soul, but this expression doesn’t apply to everyone. Especially if you’re a Trump. Take a quick second and look deep into Donald Trump’s eyes. (It’s behind the two long slits on either sides of his nose.) They’re not peasants like us, haphazardly giving our emotional information away to whoever. But Tiffany Trump hasn’t mastered the art of being dead inside like the rest of the Trumps. Her eyes not only offer a window to her soul, but they’re also SOS-ing everyone within range to please save her from the insanity.
14. Trying To Fit In
Maybe at some point, Tiffany realized that there was no getting away from being a Trump, and you can see in early pictures that she really put forth effort to fit in with the rest of her brothers and sisters. Tiffany probably reasoned with herself that being part of the Trump family couldn’t be THAT bad. Sure, the intense smell from Donald Jr.’s pomade could be overwhelming at times, but for the most part, being a Trump was mostly a good thing right? In this picture, Tiffany tries to be a part of the Trump clan, seeming to temporarily swallows her repulsion for her father. Tiffany cuddles in close in a determined effort to be just like her brothers and sisters. “BUT DON’T GET TOO CLOSE!” is what Ivanka’s stronghold on Donald Trump’s hand seems to say. This weird three way handhold also serves as a metaphor for where Tiffany stands in the Trump sibling totem pole. Ivanka is clearly the head b**ch in charge and poor Tiffany’s hand hovers on the outside of a Donald and Ivanka’s unbreakable bond. It shows Ivanka’s dominance over the entire family and a warning that Tiffany better know her place otherwise, they’ll stick Eric Trump on her.
13. Showing Her Obvious Fear of Eric Trump
Do we have to explain Tiffany’s fear of Eric Trump? Eric looks like the only reason he became a Trump was because he’s had those teeth since he came shooting out of his dad’s loins. His teeth makes it look like he’s got a mouth full of … something. If you told us he was nibbling on baby kittens, everyone would probably believe you. Throw in some standard issue serial killer eyes and “I’ve got a body in my freezer” grin and it’s probably a pretty good assumption that if Ivanka needed to keep Tiffany in line, Eric would be the one she would set out to do it. When Tiffany showed up to the RNC, the family knew this was going to get Tiffany some major exposure so it only makes sense that right behind Tiffany, lurks Eric and his teeth, hovering to make sure Tiffany doesn’t make one misstep.
12. Avoiding The Family
Everyone already knew who Donald Trump was even before the election and most of us, more or less knew about the rest of the Trump kids EXCEPT for Tiffany. Is she the black sheep of the family? Is Donald clearly playing favorites? And why is Tiffany not included as part of Trump’s Presidential transition team? Why is Trump less proud of Tiffany compared to the rest of his kids? It seems like all signs point to Donald Trump trying to keep Tiffany away from the public eye as much as possible, for reasons unknown. But we theorize that this is all Tiffany’s doing. Tiffany is deliberately trying to minimize her exposure around the rest of the Trump family to avoid becoming into the cold, determined robots that her brothers and sisters have turned into. Even Barron Trump seems to already morphed into one of the Donald’s elite army of soulless Trump children. Tiffany is trying to stay distant to preserve her soul.
11. Not Making An Effort To Fit In
The public hasn’t seen a lot of pictures of the entire Trump family that has included Tiffany up until recently. The older pictures we have seen show a cautious, young Tiffany just trying to figure out where she fits in. But the more recent pictures show something entirely different. The big difference between Tiffany and the rest of the clan aside from being the only one that resembles a real human being with feelings is that when she is with the Trumps, she is ever so subtly trying NOT to fit in. Tiffany HAS to play the part of good, supportive daughter because she doesn’t want to be on the biting end of Eric’s, Busey-inspired teeth. So there she will stand, smiling at the cameras but if you look closely, Tiffany Trump is always standing just a few inches away or turning her body in an angle that’s ready to take off at a moment’s notice when the opportunity presents itself.
10. Showing Her Obvious Fear of Ivanka
Through either sheer luck or surgery, when it comes to looks, it seems as if Ivanka has miraculously escaped the curse of the no-chins that her brothers seem to have inherited from their father. But while Donald Trump may have passed off his negative jawline features to his boys, the one that ended up with his confidence and power is Ivanka Trump. And as the only one of Donald’s children to join her Dad in a meeting with the Japanese Prime Minister, Ivanka is the golden girl (she walked out to the tune of “Here Comes The Sun” when she made her RNC speech for, chrissakes) and obviously Donald Trump’s favorite child. Even though she is younger than her brothers, Ivanka is the Queen and Lord over all of the siblings, including Tiffany Trump. Tiffany is clearly intimidated and scared of the Queen Ivanka, even more so than Eric’s terrifying grill. As the only other sibling who’s a girl, Tiffany has to be careful not to show any sort of aggression or make direct eye contact lest Ivanka feels like her position as Queen is threatened. Tiffany knows her place and looks down or away from Ivanka in most pictures so as not to unleash Ivanka’s wrath.
9. Dodging Dad
Despite the facade of being a Trump child and making sure she behaves correctly so that the other Trump children don’t attack, Tiffany’s entire being is fighting against it all. It’s not that telling in group pictures but when she comes close to Donald Trump, it’s obvious that Tiffany’s fight or flight reflex gets triggered. But even worse is all the times her father comes in for a hug AND a kiss. It’s seems like it’s all Tiffany can do not to head butt Donald Trump right in the kisser. She dodges his dry puckers like a boxer dodging a one two punch. But why is Tiffany so afraid of her own father’s kiss? Why does she risk possibly tipping Ivanka off to her discomfort by blatantly dodging his affections on national television? Perhaps it’s because deep down Tiffany suspects that the reason her siblings are such devoted Trump family robots is because of Donald’s soul eating kisses. One too many can turn her into one of them or, at the very least, make her want to sit on her father’s lap in an inappropriate daddy/daughter photo shoot next to two parrots having sex.
8. The Overly Rehearsed Speech
If you haven’t watched Tiffany’s speech at the RNC, then open up a new tab, look it up, watch it (or at the very least, sit through at least two minutes of it), then come back and join us for a discussion. Go on. We’ll wait.
Great, you’re back. On the face of it, it sounds like a very nice speech about her father right? Wrong. It’s a speech with cries for help in every syllable. The unnatural inflections, odd pauses, and the fake chuckles. The overly rehearsed speech doesn’t seem like something Tiffany wrote or even had a hand in contributing (IVANKA). It’s like she’s being forced to audition for a part movie that she knows is going to be terrible. The tone throughout the speech is the kind you use when you’re telling a bedtime story to a little kid, hoping they’ll fall asleep quick so you can just get out of there. Tiffany puts in a shaky effort of appearing genuine under the stern gaze of Ivanka and the subtle glint of Eric’s giant chiclet teeth and the speech, thankfully, seemed to have passed their standards. But normal people with souls can see, Tiffany’s not into it and is secretly looking for the nearest exit.
7. Her Everything Is (Not) Fine Face
As much as her father, Donald Trump, Ivanka and the army of Trump brothers try to keep Tiffany in check, there’s one thing they cannot control and that’s Tiffany’s very distinct and very noticeable, “I’m trying very hard to be okay” face. It’s probably very annoying to Ivanka because it’s that one thing about Tiffany that she can’t control. It’s something Ivanka can’t see it when it’s happening until it’s too late. Tiffany’s “I’m Not Okay” face shows up a lot, especially during the candid shots of her when she joined the family on the campaign trail. This signature look showed up every time Tiffany thinks the camera is pointed away from her. The manufactured slash forced enthusiasm disappears from her face and it takes on a more natural expression of bewilderment, fear and nervousness. It’s like Tiffany is being cooked inside a pot of boiling water but inside, she’s trying to convince herself she’s just sitting in a hot tub. She’s fine! Really! Everything’s fine! *grins through the tears.*
6. Fake Laughing
Along with Tiffany’s perpetual look of terror is Tiffany’s canned public laugh. Tiffany’s RNC speech was peppered with them in an effort to seem sincere about her feelings for her father, but if you listen close, it’s a laugh that’s not really a laugh. It’s a laugh that’s about two seconds away from turning into a hysterical sob. This is what it sounds like when dread is being forcibly choked down. If real laughter had a depressed cousin, it would sound like Tiffany’s laugh. It’s that embarrassed laugh you give when you accidentally ask a woman if she’s pregnant and it turns out she just had a lot of burritos for lunch. If one was in the middle of dry heaving and heard a really funny joke, it would sound like Tiffany’s laugh. A laugh that’s both terrifying and trying to call 9-1-1.
5. Showing Concern for Barron
At first glance this picture seems like a fun and refreshing look at how the Trump kids are really like. They screw around just like your brothers and sisters! Oh, these silly scamps! Look at how down to earth and kooky they are in this picture! Couldn’t you just picture them wrestling around in front of your ornate marble staircase with your kids? They’re very normal! They really are just like us! But to the side of the picture, Tiffany reminds us not to be fooled. She’s been through the ringer as the once youngest sibling and has thankfully escaped with her psyche still intact. But who can say if Barron will be able to get away as easily as she did. His mother is still married to Donald Trump and it’s only a matter of time until he’s borrowing too much of Donald Trump Jr.’s pomade to slick his hair back just like him and getting advice from Eric Trump on how to eat small children without getting blood all over his Prada necktie. Tiffany may look like she’s playfully pulling on Barron’s tie, but in reality, she seems to be trying to valiantly pull poor, doomed Barron away from the Trump cult.
4. Anxiety Sweats
With Tiffany being the only Trump who’s somehow slipped under the radar and kept her soul intact, you can imagine what kind of pressure this poor girl is going through to try to keep her humanity secret. One day she was the ignored Trump child, happily living the life of a pampered rich kid and the next day, she was thrust into the spotlight and in close quarters to Trump’s zombie children and Donald Trump himself. When you’re dead inside like most of the Trump kids are, it’s easy to keep your cool when the media is comparing your dad to Hitler. But clearly Tiffany is having a much harder time with the role of supportive Trump child without breaking out into anxiety sweats. It gets especially hard to keep up the facade when you’re forced to publicly kiss and hug a father who you know is probably closing his eyes and imagining she was Ivanka.
3. The Help Me Smile
Like the eyes, a smile can say a thousand things. Usually a smile is a sign of being happy and a way to express joy and satisfaction. But for Tiffany her smile has become a way of expressing her struggle. It’s not actually a smile but more of a ‘snile,’ described in the Urban dictionary as the look you get on your face after a really stupid person finishes talking. It’s also the look you get on your face when you’ve been fake smiling for far too long. Tiffany Trump seems to be doing a lot of both. The most recent photos of Tiffany joining her family during the campaign shows her with a snile on her face instead of displaying a real, honest to goodness smile of a person who’s perfectly content with her direction in life. Tiffany’s snile says she wants to hurry up and get out of there before her exposure to the Trumps begin to reach critical levels.
2. Kicked Puppy Syndrome
Imagine being poor Tiffany, living the simple life of a pampered rich girl, instagramming and making awful pop music when suddenly, you’re in the clutches of the Trump family, put on the fast track to grooming you to be just like one of them. What terrors did Tiffany have to endure to be deemed suitable enough to join Donald Trump and the rest of the Trump army during the campaign? Did they pry her eyes permanently open ala Clockwork Orange and force her to watch hours and hours of The Apprentice? When she rehearsed her RNC speech, did Donald Trump Jr. throw Skittles at her head every time she made a mistake or showed signs of being a human being? What did Ivanka do to turn a happy go-lucky-college girl into an anxiety sweating, fake laugh having shell of a person that we see before us today?
1. Dating A Democrat
It seems like the only way Tiffany can rebel is by who she dates. Enter Ross Mechanic. A software engineering student Tiffany has been dating over the past year. An important thing to note about Ross is the fact that he is a Democrat who openly supported Hillary Trump during the election. This is a big hint that maybe Tiffany isn’t completely on board with her father as much as the other Trump kids want her to be. What better way to give a big middle finger to her siblings and her dad than to date someone who’s nothing like her father politically (and also physically – he does have a jaw line.) Please also note that pictures like this of Tiffany, sans fake smile and not signaling SOS with her eyes are pictures that are going to be few and far between if someone doesn’t help her out soon.
Someone page Liam Neeson to come rescue this girl.