Remember being on the playground in third grade where there were those girls who thought they were such hot stuff and how you were simultaneously revolted yet attracted to their charisma and seemingly unphasable attitude? As you got older and went to middle school, then high school and social groups began to splinter you realized some girls pulled that act just for attention while others were psychopaths who genuinely didn’t care about anything.
Putting on that act can go a long way with celebrities, especially those that play to the same kid that you used to be. There’s a reason pop stars sell so many albums to young girls and stupid people…they buy into the act easily. But there’s a big difference between a badass like Lil Kim, who had done real jail time and one like Gwen Stefani, who prefers to dance in front of girls who have. It’s safer to hang out with the tough girls instead of being one and sometimes people can’t tell the difference.
There are two kinds of women on this list. The first is those who have carefully cultivated a public character that makes them think they are a bad girl. They are the kind of person who doesn’t care what the police say or what anybody thinks about them. This isn’t true. They actually care the most. Probably more than you. They’re following somebody else’s script and have never even been arrested.
The other woman is one who is dumber than she is bad. She could have ended up in jail. She’s been arrested and maybe she even sat in a holding cell for an hour or two or was sentenced to probation, but never did any real time. These are even worse than the posers because these people think they have legit credibility. Tell that to Martha Stewart, Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton, who did real time. Here are 15 Wannabe Bad Girls Who Have Never Done Jail Time.
Rihanna is another one of these female singers who wants the public to believe that every decision she makes in her life is her own and not only does her management and record company not tell her what to do, but there is no man, child, beast, police officer or government that can tell her what to do. Maybe where she grew up smoking a lot of weed and getting tattoos makes you a rebel, but unless she grew up in 1924, we don’t know where that place is. She’s an amazing singer, but the tough girl image just doesn’t match reality, especially when so many other female entertainers who don’t pretend to be tough girls actually have done jail time but don’t front like Rihanna. We won’t even mention the whole Chris Brown thing.
14. Miley Cyrus
There’s nothing sadder than somebody who screams “Hey look at me!” except when they take their clothes off and scream “Hey look at me!” except when they take their clothes off and scream “Hey look at me!” and their father is Billy Ray Cyrus. If you enjoy watching car crashes, the Cyrus family has been keeping you entertained ever since Papa sang “Achy Breaky Heart” in 1992. That’s right, they’ve been keeping the world cringing with glee for a quarter-century now. Whether Miley is having her picture taken naked or having her picture taken smoking questionable substances, she’s always liked to throw the fact she marches to the beat of her own drum in people’s faces. She just makes sure there’s a camera there. And people are watching. Must always make sure people are watching. Just not people with badges.
13. Nicki Minaj
There’s a fine line between presenting yourself as a bad girl gangsta type and a strong woman. At the beginning of her career Nicki Minaj seemed to favor the bad girl route and we’re glad she’s moving a little more in the other direction because it was just so fake. We’re guessing she thought she was special because she got busted for criminal possession on a weapon back in 2003 when she was working as a waitress at a Red Lobster. She also has said in interviews she got fired all the time because she treated customers rudely at her waitressing jobs. The weapons charge went away before Minaj saw any jail time and apparently she learned there is a difference between being a bad, dangerous person and just being a jerk. The only similarity is people don’t like either.
12. Paz de la Huerta
We don’t encourage people to do drugs, in fact, we flat out discourage it. Just say no. However, if you watch the film Enter the Void and you understand the film Enter the Void and you haven’t had anything alcoholic to drink or put anything into your body the police label a controlled substance, we think you’re not telling the truth about the film Enter the Void. The only person who probably understands that film sober is its star Paz de la Huerta, but that’s only because she really likes to cultivate her bad girl image. She’s been seen disrupting an interview in a movie about scientology, was arrested for allegedly attacking a reality TV star and sued for the assault as well. She’s also been known to not always keep her clothes on in public and professes to never care what people think about her, which is always the red flag to mean she does.
11. The Kardashian sisters
You knew we couldn’t do this list without putting one of these losers on it. We almost singled out Khloe because at least she had a drunk driving charge on her record and was put on probation back in 2008, but let’s be honest, none of these women are about being real in the sense that they know what normal real life is. Their decision making processes are about how many people will see them doing something and how it will be interpreted. Sadly, that is their reality, so that is keeping it real to them. Hopefully their 15 minutes of fame are almost up, but we’re not counting on it. They’re going to probably be telling us that “We are fierce” for as long as someone is listening. By the way ladies, nobody fierce ever has to point it out. Share that with Beyonce if you get the chance. We’ll call you fierce after six months in LA County Jail.
10. Courtney Love
No jail time. However, Courtney Love did lose custody of her daughter briefly immediately after Frances was born because of her heroin addiction. In 1995, she was found guilty of assault for punching a musician on July 4th. She got anger managment class. Later that year, she punched a stewardess and was arrested. A year later, she punched a journalist and was arrested, but that was settled out of court. In 2003, she was arrested in a London airport and again in Los Angeles for vandalizing her boyfriend’s house. She lost custody of her daughter again for that. The following year, she was arrested for assaulting a fan. She was sent to rehab for that one. She has certainly had her run-ins with the law and loves to portray herself as someone who doesn’t care about anything, but seems to think we all view it as romantic. Instead, she’s just a reminder of her pathetic husband and why if you’re a parent, your child should come before everything else. She may see a bad girl when she looks in the mirror. It’s too bad that mirror was never in a jail cell. It might have knocked some sense into her.
For anybody under the age of 25 reading this, you may not understand where so many of the female entertainers between the ages of 25 and 40 years old got this completely fake swagger game from. You can thank, or throw tomatoes at, Madonna. She had a tough upbringing in New York City and with that came a bit of a survival instinct she brought to show business, but like everything else in show biz, it becomes part of the act and bastardized in the process. If you watch the first 10 years of Madonna’s career, it’s like watching somebody with multiple personality disorder figure themselves out and since she was the most famous female entertainer of the 1980s and ‘90s a lot of people copied what they saw. Madonna may have been a badass in some ways, but it wasn’t ever from the inside of a jail cell.
8. Naomi Campbell
We actually wish Naomi Campbell did go to jail. We wish Naomi Campbell went to jail and that there was a camera in her cell. Campbell is one of the those mid-1990s supermodels who got famous for not getting out of bed for under $10,000 a day that got a reputation for believing they were above the law because they were good looking. In Campbell’s case, that involved several cases of assault. Though she never saw jail time, one case did result in probation. Real jail might have taught this holier-than-thou princess some humility and if it didn’t, it would have at least been fun to watch her struggle as regular people tried to teach it to her.
7. Roseanne Barr
Roseanne Barr was one of those people who was a bored housewife, found something she was good at, let a little bit of attention go to her head, then let a little bit of money got to her head, then let a little bit of power go to her head, then came more attention, more money and more power. More of each came, and came so fast she lost track of who she was and started forgetting she was still that nobody housewife that nobody cared about. The moment you start thinking people really care about who you are and what you think beyond your family, you’re sunk and that’s the trap she fell into. For a couple years in the mid and late 1980s she gave off the “I know I’m awesome and I don’t care what you think” vibe so hard, she still can’t come back from it. Well, this bad girl now bordering on bad elderly lady will never come back. She never did any jail time because she didn’t actually do anything illegal as much as she wanted us to think she was capable at the time. Funny thing was, at the time, we knew all she was capable of was groveling for attention, like the young women on the list current are.
6. Tonya Harding
Sometimes females put together a recipe that they think makes them a bad girl, but in the end, that isn’t the meal they’re serving us. Let’s take Tonya Harding, for example. First, there’s the fact she came from a poor, what some would call “white trash” background. Next, she was involved with people who broke the law. How can we forget the whole Nancy Kerrigan leg-bashing incident? Then, there was the entire celebrity sex tape leak back in the days before that was something celebrities did on purpose. Add to that her anger and rudeness when it came to answer questions about any of this and you had a woman who thought she was a much tougher customer than she was. Where did that get her? It wasn’t behind bars. These days, she poorly delivers unfunny scripted comments on one of the 2,000 Internet clip shows clogging afternoon cable channels. Good work, Tonya. Maybe jail would have done you some good.
5. Mariah Carey
Mariah Carey has carefully cultivated an image of a diva that will only perform, respond, act, stand up, sit down, do anything if things are exactly to her liking. It’s why after 20 years of acting like a certain word that rhymes with witch, but means the same thing, everybody had a great laugh when her audio failed during her New Year’s Eve live performance and she was left unsure how to handle it. Part of the diva act is to seem like she’s above the law, but if you check her rap sheet, you’ll notice she had no rap sheet. Mariah Carey is a law abiding citizen who does exactly what is asked of her when it is asked of her. She’s not above the law, even though she wants you to believe she thinks she is. We actually thought the way she handled NYE humanized her and that’s not a bad thing. Celebrities who put themselves on pedestals are lame. Come down here with the rest of us.
4. Britney Spears
When Britney Spears launched her solo career 20 years ago her first song, Oops…I Did it Again was all about how she wasn’t an innocent girl. We assume it was to try to kill her image as a Mickey Mouse Club star, even though most people wouldn’t have known she was on the show anyway. It was kind of like when Michael Jackson had to start telling people he was “Bad” and “Dangerous”. You don’t tell people you are these things. You just go ahead and prove it and let people reach these conclusions. When you introduce yourself by saying you’re not something, the safe money is that you are exactly the thing you’re saying that you’re not. It turned out, she wasn’t innocent, she was just a hot mess. Between marrying Kevin Federline, shaving her head and dancing with a snake in next to nothing, we all kind of move on. Enjoy Las Vegas, new Celine.
3. Natasha Lyonne
Just one look at Natasha Lyonne’s impressive list of film credits shows she either likes to be part of edgy projects, such as Orange is the New Black, or she’s the one to play the edgy character in mainstream movies like the American Pie series of movies. But, Lyonne’s real life is a bit of a mystery, which is often the way bad girls like it to be: they either share way too much or share nothing. We do know she had a series of run-ins with the law about 15 year ago related to driving under the influence of alcohol and was arrested a few times. A judge let her do rehab instead of jail at one point and she seems to have got her act together, but she still carries that “better than you” swagger with her wherever she goes. She should be grateful she’s alive and only on a show about jail instead of spending real time inside of one.
2. Amanda Bynes
This is not so much that Amanda Bynes was a wannabe bad girl as much as Amanda Bynes had a full-on public meltdown. Bynes’ mental health issues became apparent when her run-ins with the law became more frequent than Lindsay Lohan’s and for whatever reason, she seemed to want to be portrayed as a bad girl in her head. Depending on exactly what source you use, between 2012 and 2014, Bynes had between 8 and 12 dealings with the police, usually starting with issues involving motor vehicles and escalating to grand public displays of crazy, be it hurling bongs out of windows when police knocked on her door or starting fires in stranger’s driveways. It sounds amusing, but escalated to the point she accused her father of implanting a computer chip in her head that made her say he sexually abused her. It was hard to tell if parts of her extended break from reality actually were a break or were an act and at times it seemed like she was loving the break from her squeaky clean Nickelodeon persona. She hasn’t surfaced much since late 2014, when her mother was granted conservatorship.
1. Melanie Brown
If we were going to make a list of how the Spice Girls have done since the group first broke up, or were asked politely to leave us alone, we’d probably put Mel B (aka Scary Spice) at the top of the list ahead of Victoria (aka Posh Spice) Beckham, but let’s be honest, it’s not like they’ve exactly taken the world over by storm. Brown shacked up with Eddie Murphy for a while and now acts like we should be thanking her for appearing on our television sets every summer on America’s Got Talent. Maybe at 25 years old it was a little more believable that she was capable of scratching our eyes out or that she was a bad girl, but really, now? She judges people who are ballet dancers and jugglers. It’s hard to make us think you’ve really got any bad girl attitude left, Scary. Or should we say, Mrs. Brown. We are supposed to be polite to our elders, after all.