You may have heard people referring to a certain type of person as “really white”, or some variation of that description, and it is not necessarily a compliment. To be really white, or a very white white person, one must embody a certain awkwardness. Often these people try to be cool or tough (and even believe they are), but are actually the exact opposite.
White people have kind of a dorky reputation when they do really “white” things, like wearing socks with sandals or saying cheesy phrases. In fact, there are thousands of memes making fun of white people for all the geeky sh*t they do, and all the corny sh*t they say. Other things that are regularly made fun of and thought of as being “white” things to do include making casseroles, taking wine tours, being a vegan, taking Segway tours, shopping at Whole Foods, listening to “black” music that black people don’t listen to anymore, making complicated Starbucks orders, carrying around their miniature sweatered dogs in their purses, scrapbooking, attending (or throwing) ugly sweater parties, and thinking they can dance. You get the picture.
That being said, do these behaviors remind you of anyone in particular? We all have at least one person in our lives who is a huge dweeb, and for most of us, that person is white (unless you are the Winslow family of Family Matters and your neighbor is Steve Urkel). But beyond our personal lives, we all know (and probably love) several television personalities the likes of Steve Urkel who really are just that “white”. Entire casts have been branded “white”, but even among them, there are those stand-out, whiter-than-white characters that go above and beyond in their whiteness. Here are 15 of the “whitest” dudes and gals on TV.
15. Eric Forman
That 70’s Show‘s protagonist, Eric Forman, has a goody-goody rep, something he often tries to prove wrong. He is a nice guy, but physically weak and scrappy. He is also very freaking white. He is a fan of both Star Wars and Star Trek, and collects their figurines. He has Spider-Man bed sheets despite being in his teens, and proves just how white he is when he says things like, “I haven’t shenaniganned in about six years. I’ve hooliganed, I’ve no-good-nicked, I’ve ne’er-done-well, just yesterday I found myself rabble-rousing…” Only a smart-aleck white boy would say something like that. He is a lovable dork from small-town Wisconsin with too much time on his hands. His family includes a redneck father, slutty sister, and anxious mother who is possibly more white than he is.
14. Howard Wolowitz
Oh, good old Howard. He is Howard Wolowitz of The Big Bang Theory, and for 10 seasons now we have watched him creep on girls (especially Penny, until he met Bernadette), act the tough guy, and be a complete geek in all senses of the word. With his signature ‘do and slight stature that is in direct contradiction to his huge personality, Howard is a must for this list. To elaborate on his total and complete whiteness, he is also a Mama’s boy who lived at home until a few years ago, a space freak, and a guy who thinks he is much smoother with the ladies than he ever will be. He is a Klingon-speaking, Vespa-loving, self-described “bad Jew” white boy who wears bright, tight clothing often including turtlenecks. Need I say more?
13. Cory Matthews
The character of Cory Matthews was pretty white when we watched him growing up throughout seven years of Boy Meets World. And now having reprised his role on Girl Meets World, his over-the-top whiteness does not disappoint. To name a few of these endearing but dweebish qualities, Cory loves to “have a good cry and watch Lifetime movies”, he is a hopeless romantic with eyes only for an also very white chick named Topanga, he wears cardigans, he has cheesy dance moves, he likes to talk about “undapants”, he is awkwardly smooth, he loses his sh*t when he sees “the promised land” (aka Topanga’s butt), he and Topanga wear matching denim, and he talks to her like he is a character in a Nicholas Sparks novel. And all that was before he was even all grown up! If it is possible, he is just as white all grown up as a husband, father, and teacher as he was way back then.
12. Jessica Day
Known better as just “Jess”, Jessica Day of New Girl is one very white chick, and I mean that in more ways than just her pale complexion. Played by Zooey Deschanel, Jess is a character who has been called “adorkable”, which speaks to her complete and utter white girl-ness. One completely white thing she does is listen to Taylor Swift while crying and drinking wine after a breakup. She says things like, “Help a brotha out” (a sentence in which she is the “brotha”), and she has moves that are not at all cool. She sings to herself, she has checks with baby farm animals on them, she gets sad-drunk, she is super awkward around cute guys (and a lot of other people), she is all about the 90’s girl power, she is uncoordinated AF, and she calls bras “boob jail”. The girl can’t hide her crazy (or her whiteness), and we love her for it. Oh, and she loves bubbles (enough said).
11. The Entire Brady Family
It is hard to get much whiter than the Brady family of the beloved sitcom The Brady Bunch (1969-1974). As if I even need to explain it, the following is why this family belongs on this list: Mike Brady (the dad) is a typical, life-lesson-teaching 50’s dad who calls his kids names like “Tiger” and “Champ”. His wife Carol is always smiling and happy. Oldest brother Greg has mad musical skills and the hots for his teacher. Peter is clumsy and once dressed as a Sunflower Girl, and Bobby is a glee club reject who has never earned a trophy. As far as the sisters go, Marcia is a popular it-girl obsessed with Davy Jones. Middle sister Jan is one of the most awkward TV characters of all time and invents herself a boyfriend named George Glass. Lastly, Cindy, the baby of the family, is a snoop and a tattletale who skips and wears her hair in pigtails. Put them all together, and you have eight (nine, if you include the maid, Alice, who is as white as any of them) of the whitest white people ever. Don’t even get me started with the television movie.
10. Kimmy Schmidt
Kimmy Schmidt is the total embodiment of the whole white white people phenomenon. Even just a picture of her screams it. The Netflix Original Series The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt tells the story of a woman who was kidnapped and kept in a bunker by a cult leader for 15 years, then rescued. Then she started her life over in New York City. A former Indiana Mole Woman, Kimberly Cougar Schmidt’s whiteness began before she was ever even born, when her white-trash parents conceived her in the bathroom of a Ruby Tuesday. Even at 30, she has a childish enthusiasm that she calls “Kimmying”, and wears hot pink pants and sparkly tennis shoes. She wears her purple Jansport backpack to go out clubbing, and is a nanny who is friends with an old hippie and the gayest man who ever walked the earth. But what makes Kimmy so overly white is, more than anything else, her perpetually perky personality that is all bubblegum and rainbows and sunshine.
9. Screech Powers
Known by the nickname Screech, Samuel Powers was the nerd of the gang in Saved by the Bell. But he was a lovable nerd, and on that note, a very white one. This is because he is the epitome of the word “geek”, yet he thinks of himself as a ladies man. He hides in his locker, wears outrageous bright and mismatched clothing, and is obsessed with science and chess. The goofball is smart but has no common sense, and has a keen interest in the study of insects, owning collections of ants, flies, and worms. He built a robot, has a head of springy curls, and is valedictorian but gives it up. However, it seems as though the actor who played Screech for all those years is not so lovable and nerdy, as he went to jail for stabbing some guy in a bar fight. Dustin Diamond was charged in 2015 with second-degree recklessly endangering safety, and he sounds like the exact opposite of Screech Powers.
8. Chandler Bing
Ok, so the cast of Friends– all of them- were pretty damn white, and actually, the show itself has appeared on lists of whitest television shows ever. But if we had to pick the whitest white person who was one of the main six friends, it would be Chandler Muriel Bing (I mean, just look at his name!). Known for wearing sweater vests, having a signature happy dance, and having a sarcasm that takes sarcasm to a new level, he is a white boy through and through. There were also the times that he dressed as a pink bunny for Halloween, proved just how much of a ladies man he is not when he fake-seduced Phoebe, dated Janice of all people, used humor as a defense mechanism (in like every episode), all the times he was the king of self-deprecation, and probably more than anything, all the times he talked like a meme before memes were even a thing. Because of all his Chandler-ness, for lack of a better way to describe it, Mr. Bing is one of the whitest peeps ever.
7. Shoshanna Shapiro
There are several reasons that Shoshanna Shapiro (Zosia Mamet) of Girls belongs on this list. She is a tried-and-true white girl who is a main part of the cast of a show that has been called one of the whitest. She sometimes struggles with what she calls “social butterflyness”, although being a social butterfly is seemingly important to her. She is melodramatic, kind of a ditz, and says things like, “Sometimes I love you the way that like, I feel sorry for a monkey.” She knows every pop culture reference, but is painfully naïve about things like sex, despite being the “least virgin-y virgin ever”. Once, she wanted to prove she was fun, so in totally white-person fashion, she decided to prove it by stealing a karaoke machine, which was supposed to be badass but is so not. I could go on for days, but I will leave you with the fact that Shoshanna says things like, “You’re like Bella Swan from Twilight, and I’m her weird friend”, and “Oh, my God, you’re so hip I could puke.” And that is only the beginning of Shoshanna Shapiro.
6. Phil Dunphy
Actually, the whole cast of Modern Family takes whiteness almost to a new level, but Phil Dunphy is the worst offender. His first mistake is in honest-to-God believing that he is this super cool dad. He coined the term “peerenting”, which means acting like a parent but talking to your kids like a peer. He loves role-playing, robots, and technology, and is a happy-go-lucky guy who is a real-estate agent. He knows all the Harry Potter lingo, text lingo (it’s his “thang”), and is a wordsmith who comes up with phrases like “Dunpheat”, which combines Dunphy and defeat. Lastly, he may or may not be aware of just how damn white he is: one time while dancing (if you can call it that), he says, “No no no, arms down here says I’m white and I’m sorry. But arms up here say you don’t know what I am.”
5. Sue Heck
Would you just look at all that whiteness? Fans of the show The Middle will know that middle child and only daughter of Mike and Frankie Heck has an unrivaled awkwardness that truly brings out her inner white girl personality. It is not the braces or otherwise dorky appearance that makes her so white, although those things do not hurt. For one thing, Sue loves her motivational posters, even decorating her locker with them at school. She breaks out into her happy dance sometimes. When she is insulted, she takes it as a compliment because she is just that naïve and sees the world through rose-colored glasses. She loves Glee, and cries over it. She lives for family time, is the best ugly-crier ever, did a science project on unicorns because she thought they were real, wants to be like Hannah Montana, and describes her Sweet 16 birthday as the only birthday with its own adjective. There is no arguing that Sue Heck is the whitest Heck, and one of the whitest characters on TV.
4. Danny Tanner
You knew the cleaning-obsessed, talk show host father of three would have a place on this list, because Full House’s Danny Tanner is about as white as they come! He is constantly trying to prove that he is a cool dad, especially when up against Jesse and Joey, who are helping him raise his daughters and are, of course, much cooler than him (not like its hard). And now with Full House’s reboot Fuller House, the world gets more Danny Tanner, although on a much smaller scale, which is probably a good thing. We love the guy, but he is sometimes too much white dude to handle. He is the king of dad talks, inspirational speeches, and heartfelt anecdotes. He also lives for hugs. He always has a Tide pen in hand for those unexpected stains, and his favorite scent is Lemon Pledge. He is ex-president of the Glee Club in high school, went to college on a billiards scholarship, and is the self-proclaimed “raddest, baddest” dad there ever was.
3. Dick Solomon
Technically, High Commander Dick Solomon (John Lithgow) is not any race, since he is an alien. But if he had to be one race based on his personality and behavior, it would so be white. On Third Rock From the Sun, Dick is an example of one of the more stuffy white people, although his amusing quirks are not lacking. Dick is, according to himself, smarter than Einstein, making him pompous and probably delusional if it weren’t for the fact that he is an alien. But he also comes across as a total jerk because of his ignorance of racism and racial history. He is a physics professor, loves the freedom of casual sex, and proves his narcissism by often calling himself gorgeous while looking into a mirror. He is quite the character, memorable at the very least, and amusing for his antics and the fact that he is such a white white person. I mean, just look at the guy.
2. Leonard Hofstadter
You knew he had to be on this list, right? Actor Johnny Galecki, who plays Leonard, is no stranger to being a part of totally “white” shows; remember Roseanne? But on The Big Bang Theory, he has a bigger part, that of the nasal-y brainiac Leonard Hofstadter, who is a short white dude and acts like it. He plays the cello, has an IQ of 173, uses “Kal-el” as a password for everything, and one of his favorite TV shows is Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Wii bowling team captain, owner of “No More Tears” shampoo and Luke Skywalker hair conditioner, former debate club president, and a guy who used to get stuffed into (and actually fit into) his cello case, Leonard is a clear and relevant white guy on TV who we all know and love for it.
1. Sheldon Cooper
Well, that brings us to the end of our list, and the last person on it. Sheldon Cooper is without a doubt the whitest white dude on TV, and it is not like I have to explain why, but nevertheless, I will. Many will argue that even though there are several protagonists on The Big Bang Theory, it is Sheldon who is the main character. His quirks are what make him so central to the show, and such a very white white guy. Hailing from East Texas originally and having begun college at the age of 11, Sheldon is known for wearing superhero shirts, hating the outdoors, hating human contact, needing to be sung the “Soft Kitty” song when he is sick or upset, and being a major buzzkill. He corrects grammar whether or not he is a part of the conversation, and is known to his Mee-Maw as Moon Pie, because he is “nummy-nummy and she could just eat [me] up.” Also, his catchphrase is “Bazinga!” So there you have it.
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