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15 Things Your Girlfriend Says To F With You

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Your girlfriend doesn’t actually hate you, she is just hell bent on screwing with you when you are banished to the doghouse. Women are mysterious creatures, so you can never truly be 100% sure if they are being straight with you, or they are trying to mess with your simple (in their assessment) male mind.

Guys will put up with a heck of a lot of BS to make sure their special gal is happy, including bearing their cryptic conversations and no-way-to-win arguments. Chicks have a clever knack of being able to manipulate situations, turn an innocent comment into World War III, and making their boyfriends question reality.

Your girlfriend may have seemed to be all peaches and cream when you first got together, but once you had that first fight, you no doubt came to realize that women will say some outlandish things to F with you. Even the most innocent remarks can spark an all-out debate as to why she’s always right and you’re a pea-brained moron.

There is no stopping this female behavior. Live with it or live alone. As long as you understand that your girl is just trying to brainwash you, you may have the ability to carry on with life as a couple despite this mind F-ing lunacy.

Here are 15 things your girlfriend says to F with your mind. Be proactive and try to respond in a way that won’t push her even further over the edge and your relationship may just last… if you want it to.

15. Does This Make Me Look Fat?

The force of the fat makes this mind F-ing question a no-win situation for you. Your girlfriend wants the truth from you, but if the fact is that she does actually look kinda chunky, tell her and you will suffer the consequences. But tell her she looks amazing and she looks back at her Instagram pics and notices a spare tire and “bra fat,” you’re screwed. She is asking you this question in search of the compliment she wished you’d given her the moment she emerged from the bedroom in her new skinny jeans and off-the-shoulder top. A word to the wise, always tell your gal she looks great. Don’t say skinny, don’t mention curves, and never say anything about her weight. A simple, “you look hot” is as safe as you’re gonna get.

14. How Many People Have You Slept With?

Oh boy, this is a doozy. Let’s assume your girlfriend knows you are not a virgin, but she has no idea what your “number” is. If you’ve slept with dozens (or hundreds) of women, and she has no idea you’ve been such a player, if you tell her your actual count, she may flip out. But go too low and she may not believe you. Of course, honesty is the best policy when it comes to intimacy, but just beware that this question is far more than an innocent inquiry into your past romantic life. It’s judgement day, dude. If you know your “number” will make her jump out of bed and run for the door, you may need to reevaluate your relationship, or your sexual behavior, for that matter.

13. Do You Think She’s Prettier Than Me?

Never let your girlfriend catch you checking out another woman, no matter how difficult it may be for you to avoid taking a peek at her long and lean legs or perfect C-cup breasts. You will never hear the end of it from your woman, and the question of whether or not you find this woman more attractive than she will be the thorn in your side until she finally gives up. Say no and your girl will say you are lying, and if you dare say yes, you may as well start digging your own grave. This question is a way your girlfriend is F-ing with you, because she knows you may just find the other woman to be prettier than she is. Jealousy is the trigger for some serious mind F-ing that can cause you to lose your marbles.

12. I Don’t Care If You Go to Strip Joints

Mind F— 101. She does not want you going to seedy strip joints whatsoever. But if she forbids you from going out with the guys, she knows you will find a way to get there, if that’s what you really want to do. This is a catch-22 situation. Tell her you won’t go and she will accuse you of lying about where you say you’re going. Or pretend that she really means it when she says she doesn’t mind if you go watch other oiled-up woman prancing around in their thong underwear sliding up and down poles and you go to a strip club, and there will be hell to pay. And with your girlfriend, you can’t pay in $20-bills stuffed into her garter belt.

11. I’m Fine

If your girlfriend is in some sort of a funk or if you’ve just argued but you think it’s all good now, if you ask your girl how she is and she replies with an “I’m fine,” you can bet your bottom dollar that she is far from hunky dory. She’s pissed, but now you will be too because she won’t elaborate on what’s up and she won’t give you the opportunity to help turn things around. The “I’m fine” retort usually comes delivered in a higher pitch than her usual tone of voice, so try to pick up on that before believing that she is, indeed, fine. Stay clear of your girl until she comes to you. Oh, and this doesn’t mean she’s any better, it just provides a buffer so she doesn’t go ape sh!% on you.

10. I’ll Eat Wherever You Want to Go

If you and your chick are deciding on where to go out to eat and you ask her where she wants to go but she agrees to enjoy whatever you want, get used to the fact that she will turn her nose up to at least the first 3 options you suggest and then quite likely diss the place you wind up eating at. You better believe that she doesn’t want to eat wherever you want to go, so plan ahead so your mind isn’t ready to explode as you’re trying to enjoy your meat lasagna. Give her a full day to make a decision where she’d like to eat. Tell her you want to take her someplace special and she can choose her favorite place. Or send her some links to websites of some places you think she’d like. At least she can’t blame you when her chicken comes out rubbery and dry.

9. I’m Not Hungry

She is hungry. This is a classic mind F—. She is in some sort of mood that has resulted in her denying herself basic pleasures and needs in order to make you angry. So you will go on and order the cheeseburger and cheesy fries and she’ll get the boring garden salad. As she picks at her lettuce and cucumber slices, you will see her eyes start to glaze over as she can’t stop looking at those damn fries. Before you know it, Miss “Not Hungry” is all up in your food, chowing down on all the fries with the most cheese on top of them. This sucks for you because you offered to get her a side of fries all her own. No wonder she’s not hungry, she has eaten all your food.

8. Why Can’t I Look Through Your Phone?

It’s the modern-day conundrum. Smartphones are the high-tech diary and “little black book” all tucked inside a super-cool gadget that becomes the devil when your girlfriend wants access to your pin code. Even if you are the perfect angel and as innocent as a lamb, if you hand your phone over to your girl, she will find something to badger you about. Any photo, phone number, or text message that seems fishy to her will be the cause for the next 3 hours of grilling from your girl who’s convinced that you are a lying son-of-a-b!tc#. You must either develop an agreement that phones are off-limits, or get yourself an “alias” phone that is all rainbows and unicorns, while your real phone never leaves your pocket. Can you hear me now?

7. Why Don’t You Like My Mother?

This one is a mind F-ing trick before you even get a chance to respond. Do NOT use this as an opportunity to trash-talk your girlfriend’s mother. Deny, deny, deny. Even if your girl’s evil mom is the worst human being to ever walk the planet, it is not going to do you an ounce of good to go off on a tirade about her. Assure your main squeeze that her daring of a mom is a total gem and you have nothing against her. If you really want to score points, suggest the three of you go out for brunch. There must be at least one thing about your girl’s mom that’s OK, or at best, tolerable. But if you do go in on why you don’t like your girl’s mom, you will forever be in the dog house.

6. Are You Really Wearing That?

If you are asked this question after you’ve just gotten dressed to go out, your girlfriend is not actually seeking an answer as to what your thought process was as you pieced together your current ensemble. What she is really saying is that you look like a tool and you’d best change into something else immediately, if not sooner, if you plan to be seen in public with her. She is F-ing with your mind because she knows you will want to defend your style choice, but she knows no matter what you say, she won’t set foot out the door with you if you don’t do something to look more presentable in her eyes. Just change your damn outfit and call it a day.

5. I’ll Take Out the Garbage

Sounds like a pretty nice offer, but there is absolutely no way that your girlfriend wants to, or intends to take out the trash to the curb. She is only saying this so you will offer to do it instead, or as a passive-aggressive way to question why the heck you haven’t taken out the garbage yet. Allow her to take out the trash while you sit like a baked potato on the couch, and you won’t have a very pleasant evening from that point forth. Even if the bag of garbage is tiny and the trash can is mere steps from the side door, she wants you to take out the trash – her offer to do it herself is a typical mind F—.

4. Amy’s Boyfriend Always ______

It really makes no difference what the end of this mind F-ing sentence is, all that matters is that your girlfriend wants you to step up to the plate and do whatever the heck it is that Amy’s “Prince Charming” does so darn well. You may be the “boyfriend of the year” in all other regards, but until you also charm your girl as well as Amy’s man does, you may as well not exist. Naturally, you’ll want to punch Amy’s boyfriend square in the stomach the next time you see him, but that will only get you deeper into the doo doo. Just tell your girl that you will try to do whatever Amy’s guy does too, and heck, you will do it even better! Take that.

3. I Don’t Mind If You Go Out Late with the Boys

Uh, to hell she doesn’t. Your girlfriend does mind – a lot – as to whether or not you stay out late with your buddies getting wasted at some dive bar. In fact, she’d prefer if you never even went out with them at all. She thinks your friends are bad influences on you and that you act like a dumbass when you’re around them. She doesn’t trust your friends, and therefore can’t trust you when you’re with them, particularly if you are out ‘till the wee hours of the morning doing the unimaginable. Compromise with your girl and come home earlier than you really want to. And text her a few times throughout the night so she doesn’t freak out on you when you come home and just want to go to bed (or get some action).

2. No, I Really Like Your Sister

Yeah, no she doesn’t. Not one bit. She thinks your ditzy sister is a total diva and a raging B-word. You realize there will never be a close connection, let alone a friendship between your girlfriend and your sis, but you keep trying to make them see eye-to-eye. Just give up. Throw in the towel for heaven’s sake. And if you want to maintain your relationship with your girlfriend, you better not blame her for the issue between your sister and her. Just let things be and the two women will either eventually make things good, or hopefully get along for the sake of your sanity. Just stop asking your girlfriend why she hates your sister. Because she will have no problem letting you have it.

1. Nothing

Silence is not golden when it comes to the mind F-ing powers of your suddenly quiet-as-a-mouse girlfriend. If she is radio silent, then something is about to go down. And it’s not something that’s going to be good. She is either so angry with you that words cannot express her current mood, or she is preparing a monologue to really let you have it. If you are trying to chit chat with your girlfriend and you are getting the silent treatment in return, simply retreat to your “man cave” or go to the gym. If you keep pestering her to talk, you will wind up swept into a tornado of emotion that will have you wishing your girlfriend would catch a case of laryngitis. There is always a calm before the storm. Remember that.

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