There’s a certain time of the month when things get difficult for a person. Everything’s irritating and awful. You simply can’t wait for it to be over so you can start to feel happy and normal again. Yes, I’m talking about the time of the month when your girlfriend is getting her monthly bill. Sure, in theory, it’s hard for her, but come on… you know who it really is hard for, and that’s the guy. There’s honestly just about nothing worse than living with a woman during this time. Your beautiful, kind, loving, and sexy girlfriend, has turned into a raging she-beast, and there’s nothing that you can do about it.
Not only that, but you can’t even say anything about it, and you can’t ignore it either. If you if you ignore it, then she might think that you’re a totally insensitive jerk, but if you don’t ignore it and actually say something to her, then she knows you’re a totally insensitive jerk. Face it: you can’t win.
Here are 15 things you should never say to her during that time of the month.
15. Think We Could Still Do It?
Yeah, just no on this one. Without a doubt. We get that you think that she might be cool with the fact that you still want to get it on when she finds herself to be absolutely disgusting and feels horrible. To you, this is just being someone that’s still turned on by her and accepts her no matter what’s going on in life. But once again, your instincts are totally wrong. This is just going to paint you as someone who doesn’t care at all about her needs and thinks of nothing else but sex. Of course all of this is totally true, but do you really want her knowing all of this? No way. You want her to think that she’s with a guy that understands her every whim, so don’t open your mouth and let her know that you don’t.
14. Please Don’t Make Me Buy Tampons.
I don’t know what it really is about this that makes guys so freaked out, but there’s something. Obviously, the clerk doesn’t care what you’re buying, and also just as obviously, the clerk doesn’t think that the tampons are for you. Still, with all of that said, guys just don’t want to go buy tampons. It almost seems like you have to give up your man card if you do. But you can’t tell her that. If she asks you to go to the store and pick her up some tampons, you just have to smile at her and tell her that you’re more than willing to do that because if you don’t, you come across as a totally selfish jerk. Well, to her you do anyway, not to anyone else. Because anyone else could tell that you’re living with a total lunatic.
13. Are You Really Going To Eat All Of That?
Chicks like to eat. We all know it. We aren’t supposed to say anything about it because sometimes, when chicks eat a lot, they get fat, and then when they get fat, they blame their bad body images on us like we were the ones that made them eat two whole sleeves of Oreos last night. But here’s the thing: they like to eat even more when they’re getting their monthly visitor. In fact, they like to eat so much at that time that it’s kind of frightening. You probably will get confused and want to ask them why they’re eating so much, or you might just get totally disgusted and want them to stop. Listen, no matter what you feel, don’t say anything. It will not turn out well. Trust me on this.
12. Please Stop Crying
There are two reasons why you might ask a woman to stop crying. One is that you’re genuinely worried about her, and you’re concerned about her well-being and her emotional health. The other is that you simply want her to stop crying because it’s driving you crazy and you’re totally sick of listening to her. Either way, don’t say anything to her about this. She’s crying because it’s important, darn it, and the last thing she needs is a man to tell her when she needs to stop. Get it? Of course, this is super irritating, but hey, guess what? Every single thing she’s going to do over the next couple of days is super irritating. You might as well just get used to it and buy some ear plugs.
11. What’s Wrong?
This one simply falls under the “How stupid are you?” category. I mean this on two levels. She’s going to think you’re stupid because you don’t know what’s wrong and how to comfort her, and I think you’re stupid because you actually asked this question. There isn’t an answer to it. There isn’t anything wrong; she’s just acting like a total psycho, which is exactly why you shouldn’t ask the question. All that’s going to do is make her totally wound up because when you ask her, then she kind of has to admit that the only thing wrong is she’s acting like a lunatic. She’s not going to admit that, so she’ll probably just come back at you and totally lash out. You’re screwed either way.
10. Mind If I Go Out Tonight?
This is a bad one. Of course she minds if you go out. She totally minds if you go out. When you ask, though, she might say that she doesn’t mind, but believe me: she’ll be mad when you come home. Or she might say that she does mind and will look at you like you’re a complete idiot for asking. She wants you to be just as miserable as she is, and she’s going to do her best to make sure that happens. Here’s a pro tip: just go out. Sure, she’s going to be mean to you the next day and treat you horribly, but guess what? She was going to do that anyway. You might as well go out and have fun and be treated badly. At least you will have gotten away from her for a while, and believe me, that’s a plus.
9. This Was Easier Before We Lived Together.
Don’t say this. If you say things were easier before the two of you lived together, it just paints you as a total jerk in her eyes, someone who’s kicking her when she’s down. Of course it was easier before you two lived together; back then, you could just go home when she started acting like a total psycho, but you aren’t supposed to let her know that. If you haven’t figured it out yet, when she’s getting her monthly bill, you’re supposed to lie about everything and never let her know what your true feelings are. I know that kind of sounds harsh, but it isn’t nearly as harsh as telling her the truth. If you say things were easier before you lived together that time of the month, you might as well just call 911 as soon as the words are out of your mouth.
8. Well, There Are Other Things We Could Do…
This one is straight up suicide. Here you are thinking that since you can’t do it in the way that you’re both accustomed to, she might decide to help you out in another way… you know… just because she wants to make you happy. Big mistake. First of all, she doesn’t want to make you happy. It’s the other way around; you’re supposed to make her happy. Secondly, for you to even infer that she might want to give up her own needs when she’s already in such a bad space emotionally and physically is not a good idea. The best thing to do is just ride it out until the whole thing is over. Then you have three weeks or so until the whole miserable experience starts up all over again. At least that gives you time to practice what to say.
7. You’re Being Overly Dramatic For Attention.
Under no circumstances whatsoever do you want to go here. Saying that she’s just being dramatic and looking for attention is just going to make her attack you with her claws out. I mean, of course, she is just being dramatic, at least to a certain extent. And yeah, she wants attention… I mean, why else would she be acting this way? But with all that said, none of that means you’re actually supposed to point any of that out. All that does is prove to her that you really are as totally insensitive as she suspected all along, and once that’s happened, she’ll become even more dramatic and look for even more attention, all to prove to you that she’s not very dramatic and that she’s not looking for attention. Understand? Yeah, me either.
6. My Ex Didn’t Act Like This.
Oh, seriously, come on… why are you trying to get her angry at you? During this time of the month, she feels like the most disgusting person that ever walked the Earth. In fact, she’s already convinced that you find her disgusting, and you’re sitting there daydreaming about your ex. As a rule of thumb, you should never bring up your ex in situations such as this, and even if you do feel the need to do so, you should only do it in a way that implies that you think that your ex is pretty much the biggest lunatic that ever existed in the history of the world. Saying that your ex handled herself better while she was getting her monthly bill is not a good idea in any way, shape, or form.
5. You Sound Like A Crazy Person.
Alright, so we pretty much know that this is the truth. Your girlfriend does sound like a crazy person. She also is acting like a crazy person. In fact, for these few days, there’s pretty much no way to tell her apart from an average crazy person. Still though, you don’t say anything about it. Your job is to pretend that she’s not acting oddly at all and that there’s literally no reason for her to even suspect that she’s doing anything odd or even anything that’s bugging you. That’s right; your job is to totally lie to her. No matter how insane she acts, just make sure that you never, ever tell her the truth about how crazy she’s acting. Unless you want to die, of course… then by all means, go ahead.
4. You Can’t Just Sit Around Watching Lifetime Movies All Day.
So during this time of the month, your girlfriend is going to get all mopey, be a little depressed, and get overly sensitive. She also is going to want to sit around and eat all the time and have pretty much no energy at all. So without me saying a whole lot more about the situation, you already know what she’s going to want to do all the time: she’s going to want to sit around and watch Lifetime movies on TV all day and all night long. You can do one of two things here: you can complain and say you want to watch something else — if you choose this, you’re in for a world of hurt — or you can choose the other option and just watch the Lifetime movie with her. If you choose this, you also are in for a world of hurt.
3. It Can’t Be As Bad As You Say It Is.
This one’s just asking for trouble. If you let her know that you don’t think things could possibly be as bad as she’s describing them, then you’re letting her know that you don’t understand how bad she has it. And if you let her know that you don’t know how bad she has it, then you’re just playing into the fact that you’re totally clueless and you don’t understand how much pain she’s in and how miserable she is. Of course you’re right. It obviously isn’t as bad as she’s saying it is. I mean, how could it be? I mean come on… if someone was kidnapped and tortured by a tribe of cannibals, it wouldn’t be as bad as she’s saying it is. But for the love of all that is holy, don’t tell her that.
2. Is It Over Yet?
Of course you’re curious as to whether it’s over. Why wouldn’t you be? She’s been talking about it for days, whining about it, complaining about it, acting like nothing in her life could possibly be worse than what she’s going through. Doesn’t it make sense to ask her if it’s over? Doesn’t that just make it clear that you care about her? Nope, you’re wrong again. What you need to figure out here is that no matter what you say to her that you think will be sensitive to her feelings, it’s going to come out wrong. In fact, everything that you do when it comes to her is going to come out wrong during this time of the month. As soon as you figure that out, the easier it will be for you.
1. At Least You Aren’t Pregnant.
This comes off bad. First of all, let me tell you a secret: even women that say they never want to have children secretly kind of do. They just say that they don’t because they’re afraid they’ll be bad mothers, or maybe, that you don’t love them enough, or it could be a variety of other issues even. Women are very complicated creatures even on a good day, and when they’re in the process of getting their monthly bill, they become ever more complicated than normal. So while you’re thinking that you might be saying something that makes them feel better, the reality of the situation is that you’re saying something that makes them really angry at you. But by now, you’re probably getting used to that.