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15 Things You Should Never Do In The Buff

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15 Things You Should Never Do In The Buff

Let’s face it. It’s a weekday, and that can only mean one thing: you’re slaving away at your desk working a nine to five whilst we’ve been browsing the net all day looking at naked people doing ridiculous things. So we decided to share our glorious finds and let you in on our latest Top 15 list. From the edgy to the inspirational to the oh-no-she-didn’t moments, we reveal some of the things one should never ever do whilst naked.

Nudity is part of life, and it’s natural. Well… kind of. Sure, everybody removes his or her clothes at some point in the day, but does that give you the right to walk around naked in public? Hell no! Some people need to be reminded of the fact that there’s a time and a place for everything — well, almost everything.

Drunken karaoke and going skinny dipping on a family holiday are examples — these are fun to do but are not always appropriate. When one is in the nude, it’s important to factor in several elements of danger, such as flying objects, hot surfaces, and compromising positions. So please, go forth and take notice of these 15 Things You Should Never Do While Naked. Make notes, take screengrabs, and take our advice: never ever do any of these things. But if you do, be a dear and send us a pic…

Behold, 15 Things You Should Never Do While Naked are next…

15. Make Snow Angels

You see that picture above? That’s the only kind of Snow Angel you should most certainly make while naked. For the rest of us plebs, making snow angels while naked is just another thing to make the list of things you should never, ever do. Sure, snow is hell pretty, and it’s just a part of the changing seasons, but it’s also very cold — so cold it’s freezing, in fact. It’s also wet. That’s probably one of its most disappointing qualities.

You see, the biggest disadvantage to snow is its temperature. In order for it to exist, it has to be freezing, and many people can’t handle freezing cold weather. Snow renders us speechless and brings us closer to experiencing hypothermia, which for any sane person is a bummer. Add to this its tendency to remain wet, making both your feet and hands and anything else that it comes into contact with wet… and that’s when you still have clothes on. Remove that and you’re left with nothing more than a 98% chance of a visit to the ER…

14. Ride a Horse like Emily Ratajkowski

Never ride a horse while naked unless you’re Emily Ratajkowski. Then always, always ride your horse naked.

For the rest of you plebs, while we can’t sit here and deny the freeing power and absolute adrenaline that comes with riding a horse, we can urge you to do it in a way that is non-traumatizing for us all. They say horseback riding is like therapy, and if you’ve ever mounted a black beauty of your own, then you’ll tend to agree. A long ride can just about turn the darkest day around, and it’s said to be emotionally healing as well, so don’t ruin it.

That being said, when you ride a horse, you’re entrusting your safety to the 1,200-pound animal, so keep that in mind the next time you toy with the idea of stripping down. That horse trusts you enough to let you climb onto his back. Perhaps that will change when your clothes lie in a big brave heap on the ground. Oh, and did we mention that horses have eyes on the sides of their head so they can always judge your every move…

13. Play Twister

On the crazy off chance that you’ve never heard of the game Twister, it’s that party ice-breaker that was created in the 90’s to bring guests closer together — literally. It’s made up of a spinner board and a large colorful plastic mat which has four rows of different-colored circles. You use the spinner board to determine where your party guests have to put their hands and feet. Once the combination it lands on is called out, your guests then have to move that particular body part to a circle of the corresponding color without falling over on top of one another, of course. More often than not, you fall over and hey, presto, you have yourself a game where it’s socially acceptable to get physically closer to the opposite sex. Pure genius!

The game tests your sense of balance as well as your social skills in a rather intimidating setting. Do you really want to be bending over naked trying to put your hand on a blue circle when your naked butt is in a hot stranger’s face? Our advice to you? Don’t play Twister while naked…

12. Go on a Blind Date

If you’re anything like us, you’d agree that blind dates are odd enough experiences as they are. They’re so nerve-wracking and awkward, and even on the great dates, it feels like the crew from Candid Camera will jump out from under the dinner table at any given second.

Often, blind dates take place at trendy new bars for drinks, or sometimes, it’s at the movies for a more casual first encounter. Other times, it’s at a nightclub when you’re smart enough to double date with friends. However, most of the time, blind dates tend to occur at a restaurant. Now, imagine you’re in a swanky new eatery and your blind date turns out to be a messy eater. This is the type of person who engages food haphazardly and throws little, tiny bits of food particles around the plate and out his or her mouth whilst talking. Now, imagine this scenario, but you’re naked. Eventually, that chicken, pork, or lamb will be on your bare lap together with anything else they’ve ordered. Blind dates are hard enough as they are; don’t go on a blind date while naked…

11. Meet Your Lover’s Parents

Sure, it’s a wonderful thing that you’re a naturally open person and want to reveal all of your personality and more, but tone it down on the first meet — way down. A first meeting with the parents is just like a first date with a potential partner — don’t overshare! This means no mention of your string of exes especially if they’re hot, no mention of your criminal history and outstanding parking violations, and no leaving your clothes at home!

Chances of something that disastrous happening in real life have been slim, but show up naked, and you’ll be the head runner behind a trilogy for a reason. The rules to meeting your bae’s parents for the first time are pretty simple: DO bring a gift when you visit their home for the first time, DO be polite, and DON’T show up naked.

10. Go through Airport Security

Up until today, we thought the worst thing you could do in an airport was joke about a country’s national security or utter the word “bomb.” For Edgar Fabian Navarrete and Frank Hannibal, their little joke about having a bomb in their luggage saw them get arrested. Airport security has no sense of humor when it comes to doing their jobs. We can’t imagine they would take too kindly to travelers arriving naked.

They say the best way to move through airport security checks as fast as possible is to be prepared. If you’re wearing a belt or a watch, take them off while you’re standing waiting in line. Also, untie the laces on your shoes so you can just slip them off. Make sure to have everything laid out. However, take note that that statement doesn’t apply to members of your anatomy. Besides, they tell you not to remove items you need, and the last time we checked, clothes are needed in public places…

9. Dance the Macarena

Without a doubt, one of the biggest hits of the 90s was the Macarena. It played on the radio, it was heard on the dance floor of every primary school disco, and club and wedding receptions weren’t complete without the whole family getting involved. It’s safe to say no party is a party without the Macarena. It’s also safe to say it’s one of the most annoyingly catchy songs to ever get airplay. The only thing to make it worse is that it became everyone’s go-to song and made people think they could dance. What could possibly be worse than people dancing with no rhythm, you ask? Well, doing it in the nude, of course. Just because the song itself will crush your 90s soul doesn’t mean you get to destroy our childhood with a naked rendition. Hey, Macarena!

8. Pick up Your Kids from Nursery

Once you enter the school parking lot, all bets are off. Do you think you’re the only person in the world trying to get your child home today? No, of course not. There’s an army of irate parents with little to no patience and a penchant for hooting just waiting to attack. There are so many rules to comply with, we don’t even know where to start. The rules of the car drop-off lane apply to everybody, no matter what kind of car you drive. Some have ever dared to say the afternoon pick-ups make Lord of the Flies look orderly.

There’s screaming and shouting and brawling, and that’s excluding the kids’ fights. Add a dose of nudity to that, and you’re practically suicidal. Those intolerant parents will take one look at you and will Tweet, Instagram, and Facebook so fast you’ll be a walking hashtag before you can even hit your indicator on. This is the 21st century, after all…

7. Fry Bacon

One of the most dangerous activities in the world is frying bacon naked. After a tiny bit of research and an office full of bacon, we can thoroughly conclude that this is indeed one hundred percent true. Perhaps it should go down as one of the undisputed rules of engagement when it comes to cooking and your outfit of choice.

A recent Gallup poll found that “87% of Americans were more concerned with how to safely cook bacon while in the nude than climate change, twerking, North Korean cyber-attacks, the proliferation of nuclear weapons, and the economy – combined.”

We can’t reiterate it enough, though – NEVER FRY BACON WHILE YOU’RE NAKED! Be smart and don’t let the bacon grease win, again.

6. Babysit Children

When it comes to childcare jobs and cementing your position as an au pair, each and every job is your chance to prove your prowess and expand your clientele. Word of mouth and recommendations are key. One tiny little mishap can cost you the job. And arriving for a shift starkers may prove to be more than just one tiny little mishap, don’t ya think?

When the parents of your darling client first posted that babysitter position, what do you think they were looking for in a sitter? Some might say the ability to be their lifeline between chaos and calm and to be the axis upon which their family life would be able to spin with maintained order. We’re guessing the ideal candidate ought to be trustworthy, punctual, and patient. Experienced maybe? Why yes, of course. Nude? Not a bloody chance.

There are so many sitter sins as things stand, so don’t add to your already growing list. You aced the interview. You got the job. Now, keep your clothes on, and make sure you keep them on!

5. Go Trick or Treating

Let’s be honest. Growing up as a child, the idea of trick-or-treating was beyond amazing. You got to dress up in a costume of your choice, walk around the streets at night and knock randomly on some stranger’s door and shout “raaaaaa!” very loudly into their faces, and they, in turn, laughed and gave you free candy. What’s not to love? Well, fast forward to adult years, and the concept is just flawed and spooky.

How creepy is it that you put yourself in harm’s way and walk into a complete stranger’s house and accept “treats” from them. Hello, #StrangerDanger. If that’s not creepy enough, now you want to add nudity into the mix.

How bout you buy your own bloody candy and keep your clothes on whilst doing it. Halloween is scary enough as it is, thanks…

4. Go Paintballing

Regardless of whether you’re thirteen or going on thirty, playing paintball is just downright scary. The game is just the right amount of thrilling and terrifying to keep the boys coming back for more. As soon as you step into the game zone, you’re fair game, and when paintball is played under normal circumstances, you have overalls, a protective face-mask, and boots on before you set yourself up for an afternoon of pain.

You see, you have to understand that paintballs never hit their target. Go on… see for yourself by watching the professional paintballers in action. Yeah, up until today, we didn’t know it was a thing either, but you’ll soon see that only a very small percentage of paintballs fired actually hit the targets they were intended to hit. What does this mean for any paintballers in the buff? Two words: emergency room.

3. Sit on Leather Car Seats During Summer

When you think of a new car, the first thing to come to mind is the new car smell, and when it comes to cars with leather upholstery, it often takes longer to lose that new car feel. It just contributes to the appeal of leather seats. The thing is one should probably ditch the leather completely. While animal rights activists the likes of PETA have their own series of reasons, we’re here to reveal another.

Have you ever sat fully clothed on a leather car seat after the car’s been exposed to a few hours in the sun? Have you ever done so while naked? When it comes to this next point, we have only three (or two) words to say on the matter: “oven-temperature levels.” Air conditioning only helps cool the seats down after you get into the car, and by then, the second-degree burns are already making their presence known. Climbing into your car with leather seats on a hot summer day is like sitting in a pool of hot coffee. And we’re coffee fanatics, but we have a breaking point.

2. Sit in the Middle Seat on a Plane

We couldn’t think of one bad thing about being seated naked between two passengers on a plane, but we did come up with many: What if you’re seated next to a nosey-rosy passenger who proceeds to watch your every move and look over your shoulder the whole time?

What if the person seated next to the window has a weak bladder and crawls over your naked lap every time he or she needs to use the bathroom?

Now that you’re naked, you’ll be unable to stretch out for the duration of your whole flight.

Being in the middle, you now run the risk of having not one, but two, people falling asleep and drooling all over you, and this time, you don’t have any protection from the drool due to a lack of clothes.

Now that you’re in the middle, hello armrest wars.

1. Take Photos of Something You Plan to Sell Online While Near a Reflective Object

When it comes to some of the most hilarious and viral eBay picture blunders on the net today, more often than not, they’re thanks to accidental nudists. For eBay seller Aimi Jones from Oxfordshire, she didn’t realize just how much she invested in the sale until it was all too late. She snapped an old ASOS dress she was keen to sell while it was hanging up on her cupboard door in her room and captured a semi-naked shot of herself in the mirror in the process. And once the photo was up, it wasn’t long until an eagle-eyed shopper spotted the naked blunder. In another case, an eBay seller even managed to capture his entire naked body in the reflection of a metal kettle. Lucky for him, his manhood was covered by his tripod and camera.

Accidentally exposing yourself in pictures posted on eBay may sound like a tricky thing to do — but it has consequences way more terrible than you would think. Sure, it’s great to be open and honest with potential buyers, but perhaps, you’re going a step too far when your package becomes part of the package…

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