If there is one thing that is true in this world, it is that a lot of guys really make fools of themselves when they are fooling around in the bedroom. I mean I get it, I really do. Sometimes you just feel a lot of pressure, and well, you totally blow it. Other times you just kind of get lost in the moment and make a total fool of yourself. Other times you try and make same really impressive moves that fall flat. And sometimes, as much as you hate to admit this is true, it is just that you simply have no idea what you are doing.
Well have no fear, I am here to help. While I am not going to sit here and give you all sorts of advice about what you should do. I am without a doubt going to give you advice about what not to do. Listen, no one can turn you into the world’s best lover, but at least if you read up on this you will not make a fool of yourself.
Here are 15 things that you do that are really going to bug out the woman that you are with. And is that your goal? To make her feel totally uncomfortable, and maybe, just possibly have to stifle her laughter? While you two are going at it? No? Well then don’t do this stuff.
Here are 15 things a lot of guys do wrong in the bedroom. Don’t be one of them.
15. Making Weird Faces
Of course you can’t really help this. You are in the moment, you are naked, you are laying in bed with her, it is not like you really know what you look like after all. But you do kind of, lets face it. Try and keep yourself together while the act is occurring. I mean maybe if you two are in love she might think some of these totally bizarre faces that you might be making are kind of cute, but for the purpose of this article, let’s just say you two are not only not in love, but probably don’t even know each other all that well. Let’s also say that those incredibly odd faces you are making while you two are doing it are freaking her right out, and also making her want to laugh right in your face. Don’t be that guy.
14. Going For A Threesome
Even in the most stable of relationships, the threesome has to be approached in a very subtle manner. It is not the kind of thing that you just rush into, asking someone to do such things. This is true for a couple of reasons. For one, once you dive into something like this, it is hard to go back; she is always going to look at you differently from now on. The second reason is, she is almost certainly going to say no. With all of this said, there is a right time and a wrong time to ask this question and while you two are doing it is totally the wrong time. When you are right in the middle of whatever it is that you are doing, the last thing you want to ask her is if maybe she wants to text her best friend to swing over and join you.
13. Asking How it Feels
Okay, so just about all guys have done this at least once, do your best to not be one of them. You really should be able to tell if what you are doing is having the right sort of effect; you should not have to be all like “Hey baby, does this feel good?” While in some ways this is not so bad, I mean asking her how she feels at least shows that you have some sort of feeling and caring about how she is doing, and that you are not all about yourself. Still, the whole thing just kind of throws a bucket of water on everything. You are supposed to be engaged in an intuitive act that you are both enjoying, not interrogating a suspect in a murder case. Maybe leave the questions for another time, you know, when you are not doing it.
This is a tough one as anyone who has been around the block a few times will tell you. Of course there are two types of biting when being passionate. There is the light nibble that shows how lusty and full of fire that you are, and then there is the bite that hurts the person you are with, causes them to scream at the top of their lungs, and maybe even call the cops when you are done. Just kidding on that last part, but still, be careful with this. The best thing to do is probably not to bite at all, unless you are pretty sure you can handle it without totally freaking out the person you are with. Doing this wrong just makes you look like you have no idea what you are doing, which is true of course, but she does not have to know that.
Yeah I know, this one sounds kind of silly. What kind of guy cries while they are getting it on? Well first of all I can already tell you that a lot of guys reading this started crying when they read this header on the article, because it reminded them of the time they cried while doing the deed. Listen, some guys are sensitive. I know that sounds kind of silly but it is true. And when these types of guys go at it with someone, sometimes they are brought back to thoughts of lost loves, and they get all emotional, and well…they cry. For the love of all that is holy, do not be this guy. Even if if involving yourself in the act of making love is bringing up all sorts of triggers, hold it together. You will save yourself a lot of stress, and save her ego in the process.
10. Going for ALL the Weird Positions
If this were a different sort of site, I could list all of the funny names of all the different positions I am thinking of, but it isn’t, so I will just leave you to google all of them. Point being, this is not your own personal rodeo, and the chick that you are hanging out with is not just a prop. We know that you have all sorts of fantasies that you are super excited to try out with a real live woman and all of that, but seriously, try to keep it together. If you want to switch it up a little bit from time to time, then by all means do that, no one is saying that you have to be boring. But what I am saying is, you are not being filmed, and as much as you think you are coming across like a pro, you really look like an amateur.
9. Asking if She Finished
We get that you are just trying to appear concerned with how happy she is, but this really just makes you look like you have absolutely no idea what is going on. Of course, we know that in reality it is almost certainly true that you actually do not know what is going on, but do you really want her to know that? Try and show her that you have some sort of sense of what is happening with her. We know you are curious, and want to know that you are doing a super good job and made her totally happy, but try and just not ask her the question, okay? For one thing, if she has, you would not need to ask, and for another if she is close then all you are going to do is ruin the flow, and you don’t want to do that, do you?
8. Bizarre Dirty Talk
This one is really bad. Do you really want to come off like Carl Spackler from Caddyshack? I don’t even know where this type of thing comes from in the first place. Who actually thinks that talking dirty is hot, like in any circumstance at all? I know even as a guy there have been times when some chick has been saying all sorts of odd things while things were happening and it not only kills the mood, but it makes me think that the woman is a total idiot as well. Do you want to kill the mood and be thought of as a total idiot? If so then by all means feel free to do all sorts of dirty talk, even tell her that she is a Monkey Woman, like your hero Carl would do. But if not, then just try and keep your mouth shut, for the most part anyway.
7. Being a Minuteman
Okay, I almost feel bad about bringing this up, because I know that to you guys who have done this, you already feel super bad about it, but hey it has to be said. You guys are the worst. When you hook up with someone, get them all excited, flirt with them, act like you are the man, and then last around 45 seconds? It not only makes you look bad, it makes all of us look bad! Pull it together! And again, I know that you didn’t mean to, and you already feel super bad about it, I get all of that. But still, out of all the things that you could do, this one is probably the worst, Not just because of you not living up to your partner’s expectations, but also the awkwardness when the whole thing is over, is just unbearable for both of you.
6. Being Too Grabby
Of course, there is going to be a lot of touching going on. You are actually making love to a woman that you desire and man oh man, you sure are excited. How are you going to possibly keep your hands to yourself? And it is not that you have to do that either; do whatever you want, well within reason anyway, it is party time after all. But the thing is, just because she offered up herself to you does not mean that she is not actually there anymore, or that her body is not going to actually hurt, like really bad, if you grab her in sensitive places really hard. There is nothing that lets a woman know that you are inexperienced quicker than you treating her body like she is a life-sized doll. Play it cool and be gentle. Kind of anyway.
Okay so maybe you did something that was already brought up on this list, or maybe you did something that is yet to come further down this list. But whatever you do, don’t apologize. A good example is maybe you did not last as long as you thought you would, and maybe you were not as totally awesome in bed as you hoped you would be. The absolute last thing that you want to do is grovel and apologize about the whole thing. All that will do is make her even more embarrassed about the whole thing, The best thing to do, no matter how big of a mistake you made, just act like it was not that big a deal, and just move on. Just don’t do it next time. Although, I have to be honest, if you did any of these things there probably will not be a next time.
4. Comparing Her to Others
This is a totally huge mistake. If you make this one you almost do not deserve to be helped. Just don’t do this. When you are with a certain woman, doing a certain thing, she does not want to hear about how you did a certain something with someone else. She does not want to hear about what other women do; she does not want to hear about what other women like; she does not want to hear about how much better someone else is at something in the bedroom. In fact, she does not even want to hear about how better she is at something in the bedroom. Let me try to simplify this, if all of that was confusing. Do not, under any circumstances, talk about another woman while you are in bed with someone else. You are welcome.
3. Zero Foreplay
Okay, so let me be clear about something. No one is asking you to be the world’s best lover. That is not what this is about. I mean as a guy you might be expecting the woman you are with to be the best lover in the world, but women tend to be a bit more forgiving in that department. Still, with all of that said, while you don’t have to be the best lover in the world, at least put a little effort into stoking the fire, and getting her in the mood. Don’t just roll in like Conan the Barbarian invading a small town. Foreplay is an important aspect of things when it comes to women. While a guy might be ready in a few seconds, some women take a while to get in the mood. Give her a bit of time to get ready, wont you?
2. Making No Noise At All
Okay, so we already said that you probably should not ask her if she is finished, or ask her how it feels, and for the love of all that is holy, don’t do the whole dirty talk thing. So what are you supposed to do, just be totally silent? Umm no, please don’t do that. You are in the room with another person after all, there is nothing wrong with talking a little, making some sounds, even laughing at appropriate times. And that doesn’t mean that you should just giggle constantly. Just don’t do that. But do not just be incredibly silent during the whole thing. That just gives off the whole creepy serial killer vibe, and you know woman are not into that. Well, some are, but not ones that you are going to want to hang out with.
1. Screaming at the Top of Your Lungs.
Alright, I know I just said not to be silent, but even being silent is better than just screaming as loud as you can, constantly. Sure it feels good, and sure you want to let the woman you are with to know that you are having a good time. I mean, let’s face it, you want the whole entire world to know that you are having a good time. But try and contain yourself. As far as you know, she thinks you are cool and having a good time. Try not to ruin the whole thing by whooping and hollering at the top of your lungs. Because the whole point about this is not just feeling good now, but maybe feeling good in the future, and if you don’t manage to hold it together, there will not be a future, with this particular woman anyway.