Since the dawn of time, people have wanted to have sex. Over the course of the time humans have walked the earth, we’ve come up with different ways to make that sex happen. If you lived in medieval times, you might have been a knight, using courtly love to make a highborn lady fall in love with you. If you lived in the time of the cave people, you might have given your lady love some meat that you hunted, or just followed the pheromones or something. Still, other cultures have found love with arranged marriages and things like that. However, we’re in the 21st century now, and with these modern times comes a new way to pick up women, which might even be an old one: the art of being a pick-up artist, or PUA.
Pick up culture has very quickly become a thing over the last several years. Unfortunately, while many men are buying into the world the PUA culture shows to them, all is not as it seems in this world. Pick up culture has spread some pretty damaging tidbits about women, that men are then using to try and sleep with them. As the pick-up culture becomes even more of a thing, more and more men will find themselves internalizing the toxicity of it, and that’s really bad news, not just for women, but for everyone. This is why we’ve taken it upon ourselves to take the biggest points of PUA philosophy and debunk them. Hopefully, if you find yourself in a position where you need to answer one of these questions, whether it’s to educate another man or if it’s to pick up a woman yourself, you know the answers. Here are just 15 of the biggest misconceptions that PUA culture puts out there, and the truth behind the philosophy.
15. Does Negging Work?
If you’re fortunate enough not to know what negging is, now’s the time to get educated. ‘Negging’ is when a guy who wants to sleep with a girl goes out of his way to make a comment towards her that’s supposed to knock her down in some way. The point of this is to make the woman (or female, as these guys love to call women) drop her “bitch guard” and laugh, therefore making it easier for him to bang her. This is known as “neg theory,” and honestly, it’s kind of dumb. I’ve had guys try this on me, and it didn’t make me lower my guard towards them. Actually, it made me raise my guard because it showed me that this guy wasn’t interested in me as a person, he was interested in undercutting me. Guys who do this aren’t recognized by women as sophisticated adults that they’re happy to sleep with, they’re recognized as Grade A tools.
14. Does Being A Bad Boy Work?
PUA lingo basically determines that among all men, one man rises above them all: the bad boy. This isn’t a preference thing, this is because “the Bad Boy refers to an archetype of a dominant male that women find naturally attractive.” Unfortunately for those guys putting on the bad boy persona, it’s very easily seen that it’s not genuine. Sure, some women really do enjoy a classic bad boy, but if it’s not that man’s genuine personality, it’s just posturing, and women hate posturing. On top of that, the “bad boy” stereotype is actually pretty harmful towards men! Men who can’t live up to this ideal often find themselves dealing with a lot of anxiety. Remember Elliot Rodger, the University of California shooter who blamed women for his virginity because they wouldn’t sleep with him? He believed that women only went for dominant, aggressive men when that’s definitely not always the case. See, women have their own preferences, and people would do well to remember that.
13. Do Women Actually Need Seducing?
Another frankly weird part of PUA culture is this idea that women would never want to date men if the decision were left up to them. This is why many people in PUA culture choose to teach men that in order to pick up chicks, they need to be seduced, or even coerced. If they weren’t coerced, they’d never actually sleep with men and the human race as we know it would be over. This isn’t just wrong, it speaks to the PUA culture’s insane levels of insecurity. Pick-up culture basically relies on the “awkward” guy contingent of humanity, not just to advance their ideals, but to advance their finances and line their pockets. Guys who follow this advice aren’t often the ladykillers they portray themselves to be, and women know that.
12. Is Physical Coercion Okay?
Another part of PUA culture is the idea that it’s okay to try and physically coerce a woman into sleeping with you. One pick up artist took this to its natural extreme and started shoving women’s heads into his crotch. To make matters worse, it was part of a dating seminar he was doing. The guy who did this was none other than Julien Blanc, and he charged $3000 a head to teach guys that doing things like this makes women want to sleep with them. He even added the frankly bizarre advice that guys yell out the name of cartoon characters while they do it: “Just grab her … I pull her in, and she kind of, like, laughs and giggles. And all you have to say to, like, take the pressure off is just yell, ‘Pikachu’ or ‘Pokémon’ or ‘Tamagotchi’ or something … I’m just romping through the streets, just grabbing girls’ heads like head pfft [sic] on the dick, head on the dick, yelling ‘Pikachu’ with a Pikachu shirt [on].”
I don’t know why I need to actually state why this is wrong, but evidently, I do. That being said, it’s wrong to physically coerce anyone into sleeping with you, so keep that in mind while you’re out there picking people up, regardless of gender.
11. Does Consent Always Need To Be Explicit?
Another thing guys like Julien Blanc teach men is that in order to pick up women, you need to go into the interaction with the idea in your head that sex is going to take place. Basically, men are supposed to be dominating, and because they’re the dominant people in the interaction, they get what they want. According to the Ultimate Player Checklist: “Stop asking her where she wants to go and if it’s cool with her. Lead, tell her what you’re doing, she will follow and she will respect you for it.” This couldn’t be further from the truth. Consent is a really big deal, and it’s important to respect the autonomy of the women you’re trying to sleep with. Assumptions are essentially the absence of consent, and that’s really not okay.
10. Can A PUA Manipulate A Person’s Emotions?
Some people in the PUA lifestyle teach that emotional manipulation is an excellent way to get in a woman’s pants. Just like it’s not okay to manipulate someone physically into getting into their pants, it’s just as not okay to do it emotionally. Some guys have even resorted to things like hypnosis to get what they want. While picking someone up might require appealing to someone’s emotions, manipulating a person’s emotions isn’t okay. That’s because doing so is essentially trying to take away that person’s ability to consent. That makes the environment totally unsafe for whoever’s being hit on. Just leave the hypnosis stuff at home, guys.
9. Does The Opening Strategy Work?
The opening strategy is basically a stock conversation starter that guys use so they “never miss an opportunity.” It’s literally the opening rule in the rules of being a PUA, which just goes to show how important these guys think this is. Doing this allows the guy to not freeze up on the occasion that he meets a girl at random. They even advise you to write it down if you can! Honestly, as much as this sounds like a good idea, it’s not. Many women can tell when these things are rehearsed, and it kind of makes you look much more awkward than you probably are. You’re not Barney Stinson with a playbook, so don’t try to be.
8. Is Last Minute Resistance A Real Thing?
Last minute resistance, or LMR, according to pick-up culture, is when a woman shows signs of reluctance to sleep with you just when you think the deal has been sealed. If you’ve ever been in a situation with a woman where it looks like you guys are about to have sex, but she suddenly backs out, this is what that is. Pick up artists in the game actually call this a woman’s “anti-slut defense.” This isn’t just wrong, it’s actually kind of insulting. It’s not last minute resistance when someone rethinks a sexual situation, it’s a sign that maybe you should rethink what you’re trying to to do here. Instead of doing that, PUAs decide that they can literally plow their way through it. This is another issue of consent, and it’s important to understand that trying to have sex with someone that doesn’t want to do it makes them feel less desirable, not more. This is important if you’re a man or a woman, by the way.
7. Is It Okay To Use Imperialistic Logic On A Woman Of Color?
Remember when I was talking about physical coercion? During that workshop, Julien Blanc said other, even weirder things. He said that: “if you’re a white male, you can do what you want. [My friend told me] just grab her… So I pull her in, and she just laughs and giggles…. It’s the happiest I’ve ever been. What’s fucked, too, is that every foreigner (who’s white at least) does this. You’ll be roaming through the streets, and there’s Japanese people everywhere, and you’ll spot that one foreigner. And your eyes will lock. And you know that he knows, and he knows that you know, and it’s like this guilty look—like you both f***ed a hooker or something. And you just wait for him to pass, and then phew, you’re back at it. It’s awesome.”
This is almost violently offensive, guys. No woman deserves to be treated like she’s less than human, and this is the kind of thing that treats people like they’re less than human. No one should be treated like a conquest, specifically in this racist way.
6. Is The 80/20 Rule Real?
The 80/20 rule is normally associated with business and entrepreneurship, but it has a different meaning in this context. According to sites like The Red Pill, 80% of women will only go for the top 20% of men, leaving the other 80% of men to fight over the remaining 20% of women. This leaves men who follow this philosophy to feel like men get a really raw deal, and that women are the ones who are privileged in the world of dating. As much as it might seem like this is a thing, it’s kind of not. Guys who believe this might be the kind of guys who get rejected a lot, which leads them to think that women have impossible standards because they won’t sleep with them. This honestly just speaks to the guy’s insecurities, because his inability to pick up women is making him change his world view.
5. Does Everyone Have An Inherent Sexual Market Value?
One major thing in PUA culture is the idea that everyone has a sexual market value (SMV). There are even creepy calculators people use to determine what their sexual market value is! There’s a lot to get into here, but the main point is that according to this theory, the sexual market value of a person is determined by different things. For men, it has to do with how much they make, how confident they are, and their social standing. For women, it has to do with how hot they are, and how young they are. It doesn’t have anything to do with who a person is or what they’ve been through, or even how many people they’ve banged over the course of their lives. It has to do with the opposite sex, and how they see and value your traits. Guys who believe this know it isn’t fair, but according to them, this is just the way the world works. To be honest, not all of this is all its cracked up to be. People value different things in different people, and this is kind of a cynical way of looking at things.
4. Are Keys That Open Many Locks Really Master Keys?
This is one of those things that really grinds my gears personally. As much as men like to go around the block getting laid, there are women out there in the world that like to do the same thing. That’s perfectly fine if that’s what they want to do, but some men really can’t handle this. Their reasoning for this is: “A key (read: penis) that opens many locks (read: vaginas) is a master key, but a lock that’s opened by many keys is just a crappy lock.” I quoted that verbatim because I’ve heard this word for word from guys that don’t even know each other. This is thinking that’s really ingrained within all of us, and it’s really not okay. Think about it: the men picking up women are sleeping with those women, which means that those women enjoy casual sex as much as men do. Why is it okay for men to engage in PUA behavior, but women can’t do the same? If there isn’t a good reason for thinking this way, then maybe we shouldn’t be thinking this way.
3. Is Feminism The Reason Why Men Can’t Get Laid?
There are men who believe that the reason why women won’t sleep with them doesn’t have anything to do with their personal preferences or their attitude. They think that it’s all feminism’s fault. Because women have all sorts of choices and opportunities in front of them, they’re not focusing on men’s penises and having sex the way they should be. For those guys, feminism is the reason why the 80/20 rule (which we debunked earlier) even exists.
This is clearly dumb, and the feminist men who get laid all the time without resorting to PUA culture know that better than anyone. Feminism does a lot more than get people laid, but it can actually help you do that, too. Many women actually respect a man who respects them, and a lot of PUA culture doesn’t think very highly of women, Feminist men do, and it shows.
2. Is Feminism To Blame For All The Bad Things In A Man’s Life?
Some men take this a step further and say that feminism is the reason that they don’t get anything that they want out of life. Feminism has been blamed for everything over the years, but guys in PUA culture or have taken the red pill take this up to eleven. Some guys think that feminism doesn’t speak to their issues, while others think that the philosophy has essentially neutered men mentally and made them lose their masculinity. They’re wrong about this: feminism helps men when it’s done right.
Many of the issues that affect men in a negative way would actually be solved by feminism, actually. The urge to be manly and not effeminate isn’t because women want them to be that way, it’s because men have this thing where they need to fill that role. Women never wanted that, and feminism is actually working to loosen the grip of gender roles. Feminism isn’t the blame for all of the bad things in a man’s life. It might actually be the thing that makes life better for everyone.
1. Is PUA Culture A Scam?
You might think that PUA culture has something to offer, even after all of this. Unfortunately, you’d be wrong. Pick-up culture gets a lot of things wrong, not just because it has a lot of flawed views about dating, but because it has a lot of flawed views about women. If you’re looking to pick up girls, you’d do a lot better by just steering well clear of this stuff. Take it from a woman: you don’t need to do this much in order to impress a girl. The best thing you can do besides be yourself is to let things progress naturally and keep consent in mind. If you try coercing a woman into sex, or anyone into sex for that matter, it’s not really sex at that point. Pick-up culture encourages people to think of consent as a guideline you can ignore rather than a rule that should always be followed. PUA culture is a scam because it sells an idea of dating, women, and sex that doesn’t actually exist.