As a man, life’s not always easy. Your boss is constantly in your shit about finishing that report that you, quite frankly, couldn’t give a toss about. You still feel a little rough after the weekend’s shenanigans because you’re not 18 anymore, so it takes you more than a day to get over a night out that includes more than four poxy beers. As a result, you woke up late this morning so your shirt is creased to all-hell and you missed four patches when you were shaving, so now you’re walking around the office looking like Gary/Hakmed from Team America.
Because life feels like you’ve been having it too easy recently, it turns out that it’s your turn to be obliterated by the boys in your WhatsApp group because your phone just buzzed for the 237th time today, and every one of those unread messages is a detailed explanation about how tiny and inadequate your penis truly is. On top of that, your team lost on Saturday and your boys really needed the points this week. And now the messages are up to 243.
And yet, despite all of this, you’re lucky enough to have a special lady in your life, so things are not all that bad, are they? Well, it just so happens that she probably hates you to your very core and you don’t even realise it. Why? Because you keep doing all of this annoying shit that makes her want to punch you square in the nose, if only she didn’t have to clean up the mess afterwards and listen to you moan about it like a little girl.
So, if you want to save what small sliver of happiness you currently have in your downtrodden existence, keep reading, and stop being so bloody irritating…
15. Taking A Massive Dump While She’s In The Tub
We’ve already discussed how hard she works to keep you happy and make your house a home. She has few indulgences she looks forward to in return: the occasional shite TV show, a bar of chocolate here and there, a glass of wine and, of course, a relaxing candle lit bath. This, above all others, is her escape from the drudgery of the real world. So did you really, really need to barge in, drop your pants and release all holy hell into the toilet bowl? The toilet bowl that is, at best, two feet away from her head.
You are not affluent, so you have but one bathroom. We understand. But could it not have waited just ten more minutes? Did the poor woman deserve to be so traumatized when she was in such a vulnerable setting? Couldn’t you have a allowed her that mini-break in peace? No? And y’know why? Your love of Tex Mex again!
14. Trying To Enter The ‘Exit Only’ Back Door
The Holy Grail of nighttime naughtiness. For some, it’s as regular as buses. For others, it may as well not even exist. To the uninitiated, it must seem like trying to stuff your gentleman bits inside a keyhole. But, if we’re being really honest with ourselves, most men wouldn’t turn down the offer, were it presented in the heat of the moment.
If it’s not presented however, and you just so happen to be feeling frisky (and brave), you’d better hope your surprise probing is well received. Experimentation and getting caught up in the moment is all well and good – even healthy, in a relationship – but if this has never even come up in conversation, then you’re putting your balls on the line, so to speak. Even if your attempts of ‘getting in’ turn out to be successful, ‘getting out’ is different story altogether – all it takes is for her to clamp down and turn violently for you to lose your most prized asset (geddit? – ass-et). Anyway, brings a whole new meaning to Weapon of Ass Destruction, doesn’t it?
13. Staring At Other Girls When She’s With You
There are so many beautiful women in the world, it’s hard to know where to turn. But, if you listen closely, your girl will happily tell you exactly where to turn. Especially if you’re sat next to her and she’s watching your head repeatedly flick one way and then the other, as if you were sat on Wimbledon’s Centre Court. Turn to look at her, and only at her, when you’re in each other’s company, if you want to continue having sex – that’s pretty much exactly where she’ll tell you to turn.
Let’s face it, looking is part of life. Even the most possessive and obsessed woman will surely be aware of that. Look but don’t touch. Just doing a bit of window shopping. I can look at the menu without ordering, can’t I? All of those statements carry some truth. But if you can’t help yourself from ogling every blonde, brunette and redhead that passes you by while you’ve got your woman on your arm, then you can expect a solid dig in the arm, clip around the top of the head and cold showers for at least a week.
12. Spending Hours On A WhatsApp Group With The Boys
Ah, the group chat. Most of us are involved in one, so we all know how precarious your footing can be. Put simply, the group chat can be absolutely brutal. Face-to-face, you and your mates probably get along quite nicely. Sure, there’s banter, but more often than not it’s light-hearted and, for the most part, non-offensive. But there’s something about a group chat that turns the banter into a no-holds barred, leave-your-feelings-at-home, avalanche of insults.
And it could be your turn to get it without a moment’s notice. One minute you’re sitting there enjoying your tea and holding back the tears as Richie gets absolutely destroyed for that eye-offending double-denim he wore to the pub this past weekend. And the next thing you know, you’ve dropped an innocuous ‘lol’ into the mix and the sights are suddenly trained on you. How did that happen?
Before you can blink, you realise you’ve been defending yourself – while trying to take some of the others down with you – for the best part of four hours and your missus has gone to bed with the hump.
11. Forgetting Where Her Face Is
She’s lovely. You can see it, your friends acknowledge it, and your family loves her. She has a personality that lights up the whole room. But that isn’t what attracted you to her in the first place, is it? We’re all friends here, you can admit it. That’s right: it wasn’t her personality, her sense of humour, or even her face that made you take notice when you first met her – it was those lovely breasticles.
But she’s all yours know. You’ve been dating for a while and you’ve seen those bad boys more times than you could’ve dreamt possible. So why is it that you continue to stare so fondly at the voluptuous buggers, whether she’s sat watching TV, doing yoga or talking to you about your weekend plans?
Because they’re as fantastic today as they were the very first time you saw them. She may tell you every now and again that actually, her face is a good 12 inches higher up on her body. But you reply, as Homer Simpson once did “I’ve made my choice.” And we salute you for it.
10. The Dreaded Dutch Oven
Flatulence is a perfectly normal, natural thing. Men and women of all shapes, sizes and ages need to release the gas that builds up inside their bodies. Social decorum dictates that women shouldn’t do so in a loud or extravagant way, particularly outside their own home, while men can pretty much get away with dropping a fart whenever they damn-well please. Is it unfair? Probably. But we don’t generally care about this.
As a species, we men are particularly proud of our personal scent and are eager to share it at every opportunity. You’d think that a woman would forgive us then (or at the very least understand) when we see an opportunity to share the aroma in such a controlled environment. I mean, forcing her head under the sheets and trapping her there for minutes at a time, allowing her to appreciate our first-grade output, is quality-control of the highest order. But you may be surprised to find that they frown upon such behavior. Baffling.
9. Farting in Public And Walking Away (AKA Crop Dusting)
You’re in a bar. You’re standing next to your beloved, drink in hand, nodding your head, enjoying the music. The bar’s busy, so there’s lots of people around you. You’ve had a few beers so you have a smile on your face. Then suddenly, a rumble. Uh oh. That didn’t feel very pleasant. And then another. Your face turns to a grimace as the assault on your bowels becomes more and more frequent. Persuading the missus to ditch the Italian bistro and heading to your favourite Tex-Mex is not looking like such a smart move, after all.
Something’s gotta give and you’ll be damned if you’re gonna just stand there to be sneered at by these muscle-bound meatheads and scantily-clad cuties. So, what do you do? You make a judgment call. You lean across to the love of your love of life, hand her your beer and whisper “Just going for a quick pee, love. Won’t be long.” Then you peck her on the cheek, drop anchor, and dart towards the Men’s. When you look back, you can see her covering her nose with her cupped hand, and the surrounding group pointing in her general direction. That was not very gentlemanly of you. You better pray she doesn’t recognise your scent.
8. Picking Your Nose And Flicking It On The Clean Carpet
She slaves away, day and night, looking after you and the house you share. When you’re hungry, she makes you a sandwich. Thirsty? You’ll have an ice-cold beer in your hand before you can utter a word. And the place is simply sparkling. From top to bottom, she wipes and dusts and washes and vacuums your home to within an inch of its life. As Alex Ferguson could finally say after finding David De Gea, you’ve got yourself a real keeper here.
But there’s a problem. You’re sat in your favourite chair, watching the game, belly full and with beer in hand when you realise something untoward. You have an intruder sitting firmly inside your left nostril and it’s not going to dislodge itself. Hell, it’s the size of a small boulder, so you may need to call an excavation team for some assistance.
Unperturbed, you resolve to deal with the matter alone and within seconds you’re knuckle-deep, digging away in an attempt to remove it from its place of residence. It takes a minute or two, but you emerge successful, with the shiny green nugget nestled atop your finger. Hoorah! You take a cursory look for a nearby tissue, but you know there isn’t one. So, as is the norm, you roll the offender between thumb and forefinger, before launching it in the general direction of the floor.
7. Bringing Your Mate Along To Everything
We get it. You and Jonny are mates. Best buds. Inseparable. You’ve been on every boy’s holiday together since you were 17. You were there when he lost his virginity. And him yours. You’ve even known each other since you were three-years-old. You do everything together to the point where your mother thinks of him as a son.
But when you’re in a relationship, maybe it’s not so cool to bring him along to every bloody event you attend. Going to the cinema? “Three tickets for The Avengers, please.” Fancy a bite? “The 3-way sharing platter sounds delicious.” Going to watch a band? “Slide over so Jonny can see the drummer, love. Jonny loves drummers, he does.”
6. Putting The Game On When She Was Already Watching Something
It’s been a tough day. The boss was being a tool from the moment you stepped foot in the door. Is it your fault the numbers are down for this quarter? Is it bollocks. But he doesn’t care. He’s had it in for you since the day you accidentally hit on his daughter and today was payback time.
You normally stroll back from your lunch break around 2:30 pm, and then coast your way through the afternoon until it’s time to pretend to save your work and shut down the computer. But not today. Today, he was so far up your ass you could taste shampoo. You were even forced into doing overtime. Why, oh why today? Not when the game’s on after work!
When he finally releases his grasp of your balls, you bolt out the door, jump in the car and drive like a lunatic so you can catch the second half. When you finally arrive home, you see your girl, sat there, lovingly awaiting your arrival, worried sick as you’re never home late from work. “Is everything OK, love?” she sweetly asks. But you can’t hear her words, not while you concentrate on handing-off her attempts at a hug while simultaneously lunging towards the remote control. “Hey! I was watching that.” She stammers as she stumbles back to her feet. But it’s too late. You’ve won the channel-battle. And she hates you just a little bit more than she did yesterday.
5. Having ‘Just One More’
Every man has his tipping points – the points at which he no longer has control of his own actions. Now, each actions has a different severity, which means every man has numerous tipping points. When an action is dramatic, with potentially long-term consequences, say for example, punching a stranger to death because he doesn’t like your t-shirt, the tipping point is quite difficult to reach. Deciding to stay for another beer, on the other hand, is a little more achievable.
This particular tipping point is normally reached after your very first sip of beer. And every sip of beer that follows the first is merely reinforcing your arrival at said tipping point. “I’m just popping into the bar for one quick beer after work,” you say. And maybe you mean it. Maybe you don’t mean to be such a lying asshat. But that’s unlikely, since you’ve already got the text message “Jonny’s asked me to stay for just one more” saved in your drafts before you’ve even reached the bar. You scumbag.
4. Forgetting Every Single Milestone
Remember the first time you kissed? Probably. How about the first time you went to the cinema? Maybe. The first pizza you shared? Not very likely. What about the anniversary of your first date? Nope. The first time you made her breakfast in bed? That’s just ridiculous.
Don’t feel bad. Women tend to attach importance to the most insignificant milestones in your relationship. But you better duck and cover if she expects you to not only remember the occasion, but celebrate it with her.
And no, she won’t tell you that it’s coming up. She’ll just expect you to remember and give you the silent treatment the whole day if you have the gall to forget the second time you bought her flowers (since the first doesn’t really count). You’d better work it out fast too, otherwise you’ll be spending the night on the sofa, old chum.
3. Ditching Her During Get-Togethers
It’s a dull Saturday afternoon and you’re not looking forward to the family party that’s starting in a few hours. Not one bit. You’d much rather stay at home, eating pizza and watching a film. You promptly tell your girlfriend your thoughts and she agrees that she doesn’t want to go either. She doesn’t really know anybody there, but she insists that you both attend as it’s a family get-together. You mutually decide to stay for one or two drinks before slipping out the door and spending the rest of the evening together at home.
You reluctantly arrive and actually, it’s not as bad as you were expecting. The place is quite lively. You see your uncles Simon and Paul, who you haven’t seen in a while. And oh look, there’s your cousin Tom who’s been away for months and months. And of course, you haven’t seen Jonny in three whole days. So, what do you do? You head straight to the bar, buy a round of beers and have a jolly-good catch-up with the guys. You pay no attention to your girlfriend whatsoever as she sits alone, hour upon hour, fighting back a tear or two. Why are you such an asshole?
2. Ignoring Every Single Word She Says
“What do you mean, we’ve made plans to go over to your parents’ house? I’m out with the boys this afternoon for Carl’s birthday!” you bellow for absolutely no reason whatsoever, because this battle is already lost.
She did tell you. And now she’s mentioned it, you remember exactly where and when she told you, too. But you’re not going to back down that easily. Men don’t back down just like that. Instead, you’re going to stand your ground, have an argument, and hope she utters something along the lines of “Just do whatever the hell you want” and you’ll be throwing on your coat and heading out the door before she’s even finished her sentence. Sure, you’ll pay for it later, but some arguments are worth having.
And if those words never come, you can settle in for a lengthy afternoon of uncomfortable small talk and vaguely disguised jibes. Maybe you should start listening to her a bit more in future. You’d be drunk by now if you did.
1. Blaming Every Argument On Her PMS
Sometimes she just hates you. It has nothing to do with the fact that her time of the month has rolled around once more. Nor is it anything to do with her stressful job, her bitchy co-workers, her overbearing mother, the fact that it’s raining again etc. etc. etc. It’s just you.
Rest assured that every time you blame something you did on her emotional instability, you are pushing her closer and closer to beating the shit out of you.
You’re a knob. And sometimes she can’t stop herself from calling you a knob. Deal with it and move on or stop acting like a knob. Pinning the sudden meltdown on her period-pain is likely to result in one outcome – you getting smacked with the nearest heavy object she can reach.