The criteria for what a character can get away with saying on television and in the movies often depends on the looks of the character speaking. We don’t make these rules. We’re just innocent observers. Take nerds, for example. A female nerd’s nerdiness is automatically judged, simply because she’s female. If they are unattractive, viewers tend to be less critical of what they say. This is probably because unattractive female nerds are more believable than, say, attractive female nerds. For hot female nerds, they have to be very careful. Every bit of nerdspeak out of their mouths will be analyzed and ridiculed if it’s off at all. This is the nerd community’s way of saying, you don’t belong hot girl. Go back to cheerleading and hot girl stuff.
Well, we felt that this divide between the true nerds and the hot fake female nerds doesn’t get enough attention, we decided to air out some of the dirtiest laundry in the hamper. We went through and found the most ridiculed moments of nerdspeak as spoken by the hottest of nerds. Some are nerd references that fail to connect, while others are examples of technobabble or industry speak that is hilariously backward. Admittedly, some of this stuff went right over our heads, so we used our friend, Google, to help us out. Ironically, if the writers of these pieces of dialogue would have used this tool, they could have avoided making fools of themselves and the beautiful women on this list. Here are 15 Stupidest Things Ever Said By Hot Nerds On Screen.
15. Angela Montenegro – Bones
Angela Montenegro (Michaela Conlin) is one of the beautiful specialists that work at the Jeffersonian Institute in Bones. She’s had a few head-scratching moments in the show, but, for the most, Montenegro and the show as a whole are pretty accurate with their industry speak. There are a few episodes that ruin their image, however, and “The Crack in the Code” is by far the worst of the group. In this episode, Montenegro scans some bones and uploads them to her computer, which ends up messing with the servers and they light on fire. It’s all very dramatic, but what happened? When Montenegro and Brennan analyze the bones closer, the issue becomes as clear as day for Montenegro as she gasps, “Oh my god. It’s some kind of fractal pattern. Whoever did this wrote malware on bone.” That’s right, folks. Someone wrote a virus onto bone so when scanned a virus would be uploaded to the servers…
14. Amy Farrah Fowler – The Big Bang Theory
Amy Farrah Fowler (Mayim Bialik) seems like she’s the smartest person in every room she’s in, in The Big Bang Theory. She’s attractive and is actually intelligent in real life as well. To hear her cast mates and the writers of the show gush about her Ph.D., you would think that having Ph.D. in neuroscience means you’re an expert in everything, but that’s clearly not the case, especially not in the category of Doctor Who. Even though Amy writes Doctor Who related stories and watches the show with Sheldon, she still seems to be confused about who the Doctor is. While watching an episode, she quips, “For someone who has a machine that can travel anywhere in time and space, Doctor Who sure does have a thing for modern day London.” Funny joke, but who the hell is this Doctor Who person she’s talking about? Does Amy think that Who is his last name? His name is the Doctor Amy. Doctor Who is the name of the show.
13. Alexandra Eames – Law & Order: Criminal Intent
Way back in season one of Law & Order: Criminal Intent, Alexandra Eames, played by the questionably hot Kathryn Erbe, had one of the sillier lines of technobabble on the show, and there are many. When looking for files on a hard drive, Eames says, “Someone defragged his computer to wipe out his hard drive.” Well, that doesn’t seem to make a whole lot of sense. Defragging might sound like a deleting type of term, but really, all defragging “a computer” does is reorganize the files so that they are written in one continuous block. However, since deleting files on a hard drive are really just a way of telling the computer that the space these files occupied are now available, defragging a computer can overwrite previously deleted files. So, it seems that in a backward kind of way, Eames was right. You go girl.
12. Jessie Spano – Saved by the Bell
For years, Jessie Spano’s (Elizabeth Berkley) home life was a mystery to us on Saved by the Bell. When we first met her, we learned that she and Zack have been long time neighbors and best friends (though the latter is debatable). We know her parents are divorced, but we never see much from them early on. From all her talk, we can assume that she’s had it rough compared to some of her friends, especially the rich Lisa Turtle and Zack. At one point in the show, Jessie says to Zack, “Oh, Zack. You wouldn’t understand. You live in a world of privilege.” We’re thinking, yeah, Jessie’s lived the hard life. Female, not rich, parents split up, recovering speed addict. But then we learned the truth of her family. Jessie is filthy rich. Who the hell does she think she is speaking about privilege? In the “Palm Springs Weekend,” we meet Jessie’s dad and he’s the manager at the Palm Desert resort. He’s dripping in money and will do anything for his little princess. What a lie Jessie was living.
11. Nell Jones – NCIS
In the “Never Tell!” episode in NCIS, Nell and Eric are discussing some dude’s skill on the computer. Eric exclaims, “He’s spoofing his IP address– masking his real IP with a fake one. This guy is good.” OK, pal. First of all, that’s pretty basic stuff. Even the most low-level computer users can set one up easily. Right after that, Nell says, “He also hacked the tasking of satellites to collect over L.A.” Yeah, that part should have probably been said first. But then the goldmine comes. Nell says, “Maybe sometimes he forgets and visits, I don’t know, ESPN and is spoofing his IP address… And sometimes he visits and he isn’t spoofing… Leaving the real IP address behind.” By this logic, they will be able to track down what sites he visits while using the spoofed address and arrest anyone who visits those same sites at the same time. So, in other words, everyone who visits ESPN at 6pm is now a suspect. To give you an idea, ESPN gets about 10-30 million unique daily visitors. Good luck following that hunch.
10. Alex Dunphy – Modern Family
Alex Dunphy (Ariel Winter) and the writers at Modern Family don’t trip up a whole lot, but they’re not flawless. Even though they don’t take many chances, Alex usually comes off as the always-right-brainiac. But we did catch her saying something that wasn’t quite right in one episode. She’s complaining about out of date encyclopedias and how they messed her up. She mentions, “They don’t even call it ‘protoplasm’ anymore. It’s ‘cytoplasm.'” The issue here is that cytoplasm never replaced protoplasm, they’re two different things. Here’s the difference between the two: “Protoplasm is considered as the physical basis of life. The protoplasm of a cell consists of nucleus, cell membrane and cytoplasm. Thus, cytoplasm is a part of the protoplasm of a cell. The difference between protoplasm and cytoplasm is very minor. Protoplasm is the content of the cell including the cell membrane, cytoplasm and the cell nucleus whereas cytoplasm is the jelly like substance surrounding the nucleus within the cell membrane.” Basically, she just used two complex terms and tried to pull a fast one on us. Nice try fake nerd.
9. Lindsay Monroe – CSI: NY
Lindsay Monroe is played by Anna Belknap in CSI: NY. For the most, she escapes without saying anything too stupid. Then we saw the episode “Taxi” and things changed. The team realizes that some dude is blogging in real time about these murders. They need to track him down online some how. Well that’s easy for Monroe, she just needs to say some garbage out loud and make it sound all computery and the vast majority of fans will nod their heads like they know what she’s talking about. So, Monroe does just that. “I’ll create a GUI interface using Visual Basic. See if I can track an IP address,” she says. Yep, we were going to suggest that you did that right as you said it fans think to themselves. Anyone who knows computers knows that a GUI interface is always the first step to tracking down someone’s IP. But real tech nerds know something’s up. A GUI is a graphical user interface, which is another way of saying it is a type of interface with a graphical component. See that Internet Explorer button that you never click? That’s a GUI. Basically, Monroe sounds like a total idiot here.
8. Bernadette – The Big Bang Theory
Bernadette (Melissa Rauch) is one of the most despised characters on The Big Bang Theory. She’s verbally abusive and controlling and, most importantly, her voice is irritating. Still, she’s hot, so the show has had a lot of fun cramming her into episodes. Even though Bernadette has a Ph.D. in microbiology, it turns out she gives terrible medical advice. When Howard is potentially having a heart attack, he calls out, “My arm is feeling numb,” all the while rubbing his right arm. When Bernadette sees this, she says, “That’s the wrong arm for a heart-attack, doofus.” It’s clear that Bernadette is simply passing along common information, though it is misleading. While numbness in the left arm is more common than the right, it is by no means restricted to left arm. People of the world, don’t take medical advice from The Big Bang Theory. If you feel numbness in your right arm, it could very well be a heart attack.
7. Maxine – NCIS
Maxine was a one-off character played by the gorgeous Beth Riesgraf in NCIS. If you wonder why NCIS has so many terrible moments, it’s because they just don’t care anymore. They’ve been on the air producing the same damn show for like 29 years. Their fans don’t even know what the hell they’re watching anymore, yet, every episode brings in about 20 million viewers. Well, in this episode, “Kill Screen,” NCIS shows that they know about as much about video games as your grandmother. When McGee walks into Maxine’s home, he takes one look at her computer and gets a glint in his eye. “Is that a 12-core?” he asks, a term that means nothing to anybody. “16,” she responds, clearly meaning business, “with a 10meg pipe.” Holy crap. She’s the real deal. She then explains why she needs this quality pipe, which also means nothing. “I need the faster response times for the newer online games. There’s a lot of people after my high scores.” It’s here that we learn that Maxine has the highest scores in every MMORPG on the planet. We’re not sure what’s more impossible. The fact that she’s playing all those MMORPGs at once or the fact that MMORPGs don’t even have “high scores.”
6. Angela Bennett – The Net
Ah, The Net, a movie that talked about the internet like it was a big scary thing before everyone in the world knew about the internet. Plenty of discussions in the film are cringe-worthy and several quotes given by the sexy Angela Bennett (Sandra Bullock) could have been used here, but we’re choosing one word for this list because she says it a bunch and butchers it every damn time. That word is “modem,” and, instead of saying it properly and have it rhyme with scrotum (sorry, literally the only rhyming word we could think of. Oh. Totem. Totem would have been better), she pronounces it modem like bottom. Get it right Bullock. You’re supposed to be a hacker.
5. Shahnaz Darvashi – Life
To be honest, we’re not sure if the character Shiela Vand was meant to be a nerd at all, but she plays video games and she’s hot, so she fits the category close enough. Really, we just needed a way to get the episode “A Civil War” from the short-lived show, Life, into this list. The concept is simple, the cops need to access a hidden file on a guy’s Xbox. In order to reach the file, they need to get to level 10 on Prince of Persia: The Two Thrones. The problems are endless. Not only is there no level 10 in that game, but the guy who stands up to the challenge is straight garbage at the game. He claims that living with his mom and having a Star Trek costume makes him a good gamer somehow. Either way, while this fool is failing miserably, Damien Lewis looks over and sees the victim’s sister miming along. Like, she’s pretending to play along with the game with no controller in her hands. She doesn’t even say anything dumb, but this sequence is just so stupid we had to put it in here. Who the hell pretends to hold a controller and play along when watching a video game?
4. Temperance Brennan – Bones
There are many good things about Bones, so we don’t want people to assume we think it’s pure trash, but the episode “The Archeologist in the Cocoon” brings up some serious issues. First of all, Temperance Brennan (Emily Deschanel) continually says “Homo sapien” in the episode, which is incorrect. The term is Homo sapiens and Bones should know that. Bones also says, that peek-a-boo “demonstrates an infant’s ability to understand object permanence,” which is the opposite of truth. Peek-a-boo actually demonstrates an infant’s inability to understand object permanence. That’s why the kids are so surprised and happy when you show up again. Then there’s the part with Bones licking an ancient dirty bone to prove it’s a bone. We believe Bones. We would also believe you that the dog poo on your show was feces just by looking at it. You don’t need to put everything in your mouth.
3. Felicity Smoak – Arrow
Any self-respecting computer user cringes every time Felicity Smoak (Emily Bett Rickards) does anything on her keyboard. She just slowly presses a bunch of random buttons on her keyboard and all of a sudden she’s got remote control of Stephen Hawkins’ wheelchair. But nothing was ever worse than the episode “Unchained” where Felicity and The Calculator have a hack-off, which is a pretty gross way of saying they just typed random buttons on their keyboards back and forth and made witty remarks to each other. Unfortunately, this exchange ended with Smoak yelling, in the most uncomfortable fashion, “Boom. I believe the technical term is I pwned you.” Yeah, that would be the technical term if you were playing Call of Duty: World at War in 2009. In 2016, you get put on a list for saying that.
2. Abby Sciuto – NCIS
Abby Sciuto is the much loved character on NCIS played by Pauley Perrette. We might not consider her the best looking woman out there, but she’s almost 50 and has been playing a goth on that show for like 30 years, so that’s got to count for something. Either way, the episode in question doesn’t have a necessarily awful quote, but the whole sequence is just amazingly horrible. In the episode, “The Bone Yard,” Abby’s computer is suddenly hacked and a bunch of screens start popping up. She starts typing furiously on her keyboard but can’t stem the tide of vicious popups. She calls out, “I can’t stop him, do something McGee.” McGee jumps into action, and this is where it gets good. McGee slides in next to Abby and starts typing alongside her, typing on the same damn keyboard. It’s an incredible moment for computer fans everywhere. Two people, so in sync with each other’s movements, sharing a computer keyboard like they’re playing piano four hands. What magic.
1. Amita Ramanujan – Numb3rs
If you never understood hackers before watching the Numb3rs episode “Shadow Markets,” you won’t have a damn clue what’s going on after you watch it. Still, Navi Rawat, the super hot actress who plays Amita Ramanujan on the show sounds great babbling on about things she clearly knows nothing about. In the episode, they introduce internet relay chatrooms (IRC), which, due to the great traffic in these chatroom channels, are apparently super secure (not really true). To help the audience understand this simple concept of a chatroom channel, Amita starts using an analogy of drug boats, which is super confusing because the two things are not at all similar. Either way, at the end of this exchange, Amita says she’s going to track these hackers. When asked if we would be able to see what they’re saying, Amita says, yeah, “in LEET speak. Luckily, I speak LEEK.” Mic drop. Smug look. The reason this is so ugly for our ears to hear is because, first of all, leet is a basic neckbeard language that uses numbers and special characters instead of letters. Anyone with a basic grasp on the English language and just a dash of edginess can read leet. Here’s your leet primer: “Leet” is often written as “1337.” Second, you don’t speak it, you read and write it.