Over the years, Halloween has turned into little more than a chance for kids to get candy and young women to have an excuse to look as hot as possible. Walk into any costume shop and it’s a tale of two worlds. On one side of the room, it looks like Candy Land. On the other side it looks like Candy’s Exotic Dance Club. You don’t see a dichotomy like that anywhere else.
Assuming you’re like us and hang out like us on the lingerie side of the room, begging our girlfriends to at least try on the sexy French maid outfit, you’ve noticed there has been an increase in sexy Santa’s helpers outfits hanging on the racks somewhere between sexy police officer and sexy nurse. Thankfully, more women seem to feel the need to dress like they are the hottest woman working at the North Pole.
So why is this trend taking place? We think, like most fashion trends, it’s being led by popular culture. Over the last five years, it seems like every female singer or model has to be seen in Christmas gear short on material. It’s a trend we support. If females are truly influenced by what they see in the media when it comes to style and fashion, we look forward to Christmases getting sexier and sexier.
We Want to Sit on the Laps of These 15 Sexy Santa’s helpers. Technically, it’s more than 15, but just consider that our “Christmasexy” gift to you.
15. Katy Perry teases us yet again
If we were going to give an award to a singer over the last 10 years who has been the most consistent tease, it would have to go to Katy Perry. She broke onto the scene with the song I Kissed A Girl, married Russell Brand and is gorgeous. Those seem like ingredients to someone who is going to go full Madonna, Miley or Gaga and share the goods with us. Instead, we get a makeup pitch woman who seems to still want 15-year-old girls to be her target audience. The tunes are catchy, but not great. She will never see the Rock ‘n’ Roll Hall of Fame, nor should she have been allowed to sully the Super Bowl Halftime Show a few years ago with that goofy electronic dragon. She’s best watched with the volume turned down and it’s why we like this picture. For all her faults, she makes one damn hot Santa Claus helper.
14. Rita Ora goes artsy
Not enough photographers utilize black and white style to get sexiness across, yet in our opinion, it’s one of the easiest ways to make us pay attention and this Rita Ora photo is no different. We like Ora’s music, think she knows how to play the celebrity thing just right, but for some reason can’t break through the superstardom she deserves. If MTV still showed videos to a younger, mainstream audience, she’d probably be huge. You can’t mix that face, that body and that talent together without a big success story. In looking at this picture, we realize her pro wrestling doppelganger would be Sasha Banks. They have exactly the same body. Unfortunately, we couldn’t find any instances of Sasha doing the sexy Santa thing. She probably would have pulled it off with as much ease as Rita Ora does in this stunning photo.
13. Christmas cheer…leaders
It’s hard to sell sexy and wholesome at the same time. There are three cliched American images of that mix: The Farmer’s Daughter, The Girl Next Door and The Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders. For whatever reason, they’re the one cheerleading-slash-dance squad (perhaps with the exception of the Los Angeles Laker Girls) who have transcended their team and become part of the mainstream. After all, there was no reality show about The Cincinnati Bengals or Miami Dolphins’ cheerleaders and they’re probably just as hot and just as vapidly uninteresting. Yes, it takes talent to be a cheerleader, but first and foremost it takes beauty. That’s not a bad thing, and we can think of a lot of women we wouldn’t want to see in these skimpy Santa-inspired uniforms, but when they talk about how it’s not about looks first, we have to check if it’s April Fools’ Day instead of Christmas.
12. It’s always better to get two gifts
No idea who these ladies are but it brings us to the point of wondering if it matters. Is a woman sexier because she is a celebrity who is well known? This list is guaranteed to have several photos of women you don’t recognize. This is likely one of them. Does the fact these blondes are not well known make them any less sexy? We don’t think so, but they play into the male fantasy of being able to “date” twin sisters. It’s one of those urban legend holy grails that you hear about, but you’ve never actually known a guy who pulled it off. But, this photo reminds us of why God gave humans two knees. You’re never going to know when you stumble upon a pair of hot lookalike sisters dressed in Santa’s helper outfits who want to sit on your lap. Actually, we do know when that will happen: Never, ever, ever, never.
11. The gift that stopped giving
We miss Playboy. Yeah, it’s still out there, but it’s not really Playboy. It’s like when they try to convince us Rogue One is a real Star Wars movie. It’s just not and this “new” Playboy that encourages women to keep their tops on makes us long for the days of our youth when we’d have to sneak a peak when dad or our older brother weren’t paying attention. The joke has always been people read it for the articles, but we always really enjoyed the Playboy interview and tried to tell people we also read the magazine for that feature. But, it turns out we were wrong. Ever since Pamela Anderson graced that last cover, we haven’t cracked the magazine once. The Christmas issue was always a special one and this cover from 1972 was the only time the magazine chose to go with a non-photograph on its holiday cover. Whoever this was based on is probably 65 now, so we may not want to sit on her lap today for fear of breaking her hip.
10. Nepotism at the North Pole
Pretty Little Liars is one of those shows we like to watch with the volume down. Hearing the girls whine about whatever their drama of the week makes our brains feel like they are slowly draining out of ears, but what we can’t deny is just how sexy they all are. While a lot of people gravitate toward Lucy Hale, our favorite has to be Troian Bellisario. She’s one of those perfect examples of winning the DNA lottery and Hollywood nepotism at its finest. Her father is mega-producer Donald P. Bellisario who has created such shows as Quantum Leap and NCIS. Not surprisingly, she’s made guest appearances on each. The Bellisario family will never win the award for most nepotism between a daughter and father. The gold medal in that category will always be held by Aaron and Tori Spelling. The one thing we will give Troian is that Tori would never look this good dressed up for Christmas.
9. Snowman have to do with Christmas, right?
We’re really trying to stretch and think about how a snowman is Santa’s helper and then we realize you’re not looking at this list for the words. Most of you probably aren’t even reading this. You’re looking straight into the, uh, eyes of the sexiest snowman (or is it snowgirl) that has ever been photographed. Our guess is you’re not going to stop reading this list if we can’t make a perfect connection to Santa Claus, but we’ll try to figure it out. OK! We think we’ve got it. She’s Frosty the Snowman and despite the fact there is no mention of Christmas in the Frosty the Snowman song, it does make reference to a magic hat the kids found. Regular people can’t produce magic hats, but Santa Claus can. So it fell out of his sleigh and that’s how Frosty came to life. Close enough, right? We thought you’d agree.
8. Two turtle doves and a Kendall Jenner is a pear tree
If you’re into thin girls with beautiful faces, Kendall Jenner is easily your favorite from the Kardashian/Jenner clan. She inherited her father’s butt apparently because she doesn’t look like Kim or Khloe from behind at all. Unlike her older sisters, Kendall grew up on camera which leads us to wonder just how far she’ll go in front of the camera. Some day, she’ll get sick of modeling. Some day, the E! Channel will stop making new episodes and spin-offs about this nutjob family. What will Kendall do to stay in the public’s eye? If it involves stripping down to her underwear and rubbing up against other holiday icons like The Easter Bunny and Cupid, we’re all for her staying relevant. One of the nice things about this picture is that there is no way to identify who the lucky Santa Claus is, so go ahead and tell your friends it was you. It’s not like they can disprove it.
7. It’s Naya Rivera’s singing we’re attracted to…honest
She guest starred in just about every show on television as a kid through the 1990s, but Naya Rivera got her first huge break playing Santana on the professional karaoke show Glee. The music wasn’t horrible, the girls were hot, but the stories made us want to pull our eyeballs out with a red hot fork. The show started bigger than anything we’d seen in a long time in 2009 with everybody needing to see what the fuss was about, but by the time it was cancelled, it had lost almost its entire audience, despite the fact Rivera was in a lesbian storyline with her hot blonde, best friend cheerleader on the show. Fox can be daring, but there’s still just so much they’ll show. We’re not sure they would have put her in this Santa’s helper outfit so we’re just grateful somebody had their camera with them and this gem made it to the Internet.
6. We have an idea for a holiday photo shoot
As Brad Pitt said in the closing moments of Seven, “What’s in the box? What’s in the box?” Actually, we don’t care what’s in the box. The present we want is what’s under the box. We know there’s a lot of retouching done to photos and it’s obvious this one went through the Photoshop machine since those stars weren’t magically there, but this model has the best skin we’ve seen on a woman in a long time. This must have been an interesting concept to try and convey to her prior to the photoshoot. “OK whatever your name is, today we’re going to have you wear very skimpy red underwear, put on a Santa cap and then we’re going to put a gift on your butt.” Thankfully this woman said yes. Her willingness to participate in this wonderful work of art is an early Christmas present to us.
5. Oh, she’s just being Miley
We’ll say it right up front: Miley Cyrus has a great voice. For all her desperate cries for attention in what she wears and how she presents her sexuality, she can out-sing 99.9% of the population under the table. She’s what Madonna was trying to be but fell short. OK, that said, we also think she’s the non-typical, yet typical child star. Her dad is country legend Billy Ray Cyrus and she took the lead role in Hannah Montana at a young age, so the spotlight has always been on her. That usually creates humans who are a little off. However, unlike the drug and the fan convention booth route most former child stars take, she somehow became a superstar despite her clearly unapparent grasp on the reality the rest of us live in. We’d be concerned, but she’s got a great voice, great body and likes to get Santa Claus aroused, so we think she’ll be just fine.
4. A new last name for Christmas
Emily Ratajkowski had been a model for years before her big break, but it was the unedited version of Robin Thicke’s huge (but only) hit Blurred Lines. We hate to admit we liked the song, but have no problem fessing up to the fact we probably watched the video online at least 100 times. It’s a simple formula: a douche of a singer who thinks he’s cooler than he is hires a bunch of models to prance around pretending to think he’s hot and that they’re having a great time. Except Emily. We’re just going to call her Emily because Ratajkowski is tough to spell and tougher to say. She looks like she genuinely likes dancing around naked. She’s what makes the video. Ironically, this sexy photo of her lounging in her Santa’s helper outfit is one of the most clothed picture we’ve seen of her in a long time.
3. This may be the last time you ever see Courtney Stodden
Who is Courtney Stodden you ask? Well, she likes to wear bikinis and festive hats outdoors in the middle of winter with a guy dressed up like Santa Claus. Is there any more you really need to know? It turns out, she has won both the Pulitzer Prize in Literature and the Nobel Prize for her work in the quantum physics field. We’re kidding. She probably won some wet T-shirt contests along the way, but she’s your typical early-20s vapid model who doesn’t have a lot to offer other than her body. We’re OK with that though. As The Rock says, it’s important to “Know your role and shut your mouth.” Oh, and she was 16 when she got married to a 51-year-old dude. Oh, and she released a solo sex tape in 2015. We expect nothing but big things from her in the future. Enjoy your 15 minutes of fame, Courtney.
2. That’s 10 legs in one Christmas photo!
There are two places in the world where you get asked if you’re a breast guy or a thigh guy. One is at the strip club, the other is at a barbeque. Honestly, we’re neither. We’re both. We wouldn’t mind taking any one of these girls to a family barbeque just so we could show her off to our siblings and cousins with their average looking non-model wives who don’t like to wear miniskirts and pose with four other girls suggestively. Of course we’d love her and look forward to making a life with her and spoiling our grandchildren, but during her prime beauty years, we’d want everyone to know just who we were able to land. Hopefully she wouldn’t be too upset if we asked her to always wear her Santa’s helper outfit. We don’t know if it would be pushing our luck if we asked her to always bring her similarly dressed friends along everywhere we went.
1. That’s 10…ummmm…eyes in one Christmas photo!
There are two places in the world were you get asked if you’re a breast guy or a thigh guy. One is at the strip club, the other is at a barbeque. Honestly, we’re neither. We’re both. Yeah, you’ve read that before somewhere, but we’re again going to give 100-to-1 odds you’re not here for the award-winning literature. That’s because you see 10 beautiful women who all seemed to have their Santa coats shrunk in the washing machine. Do you think the costume designer gets a discount buying that many Santa coats, hats and red pairs of underwear at the same time? How do you think they determined where the women were positioned in the photo? These are questions that need no answers. They won’t change what we think of this photo. This photo feature women who are all 10s in our book. You don’t get any better than that.