Nobody really needs to tweet. Celebrities least of all. But for a group of people so insistent on escaping the paparazzi, celebrities sure do spill a lot of beans on Twitter. And lest they argue that it’s because they’re putting content out on their own terms, let’s not forget that Twitter does not have a feature that checks your sobriety before posting. Thankfully, at that. Because that would rob us of the schadenfreude and sadistic pleasure that follows seeing famous people act so utterly stupid, strange and (in all honesty) human. And isn’t that the real appeal of following celebrities on Twitter? The idea that famous folks put their pants on one leg at a time just like the rest of us, and consequently fall on their face while doing so.
Indeed, celebs are just humans with less privacy. And maybe a little more to say. Admittedly, reading about Justin Bieber partying is infinitely more interesting than your latest tweet about drinking a beer. Even if it is, at some base level, pretty much the same thing. But, conversely, it’s also a lot more interesting when Justin Bieber goes on a social media tirade than when you post seventeen tweets about being lonely. Oh well. You’re really the winner here because no one will remember your tweets. Celebrity tweet fails, on the other hand, will be remembered forever. Here are fifteen celebs that should take that into consideration.
15. Charlie Sheen
Charlie Sheen is a poster child for needing to walk away from the keyboard, or putting his phone back in his pocket, and stop tweeting. Forever. He jumpstarted his career by being obnoxious on the Internet, a mistake everyone wishes they could take back now. Statistically speaking, for every utterance of the phrase “winning,” one more person wants to punch Charlie Sheen in the appendix. It is known. When Sheen wasn’t making up shitty catchphrases and snorting massive amounts of cocaine, he was tweeting about Tiger Blood and a slew of other nonsense. Apparently it worked out for him. Somewhat.
14. Kanye West
He’s a musical genius. Unfortunately, this doesn’t disqualify him from being an insufferable Twitter personality. Granted, it’s probably part of the brand, but Kanye‘s brand has always been “whatever I’m thinking about right now.” It’s why he gets away with ludicrous stunts at the Grammys and fashion that could only be described as homeless chic. Thus, it’s no surprise that his Twitter account is a direct tap into West’s subconscious. Say what you will about Ye, though. At least it’s evident that he doesn’t have an assistant handling his account as many other celebs do. This is full-on, uncensored Kanye West. We’re lucky enough to get a front row seat into his the wonder that is Kanye’s mind. He’s obviously ahead of this list. As usual.
13. Amanda Bynes (circa 2013)
The incredibly obvious attempt at gaining people’s attention through social media was beyond evident in Amanda Bynes’ tweets. It didn’t work out particularly great for her, though. It’s hard to notice these days, considering Bynes went through a stint in rehab and spent a significant amount of time out of the public eye. But back in 2013, Bynes was tweeting regularly and none of it was cogent, sane material. It was almost exclusively crazed ramblings of someone who was, as we now know, very much under the influence of drugs and alcohol. There’s an ethical boundary here, when discussing and mocking the behavior of someone so utterly out of it, worth noting. Let’s just say that 2013 Bynes, at the very least, definitely needed to step away and think before she tweeted.
12. Justin Bieber
Truly this is low-hanging fruit. The Biebs is known for being a generally irritating and clueless douche in real life. So it’s to absolutely no one’s surprise that he is as equally irritating and clueless on social media. In all fairness to the “Baby” singer, lately his Twitter feed has been pretty tame. Primarily because most of his ‘shittiness’ has been manifesting through his (now deleted) Instagram, where he would engage in long rants about his ex-girlfriends and play mock innocent when he would get caught in the crossfire. This general sense of self-absorption has defined Bieber for pretty much his whole career, reaching maximum levels when he visited the Anne Frank house and mused on whether Frank would have been a Belieber. Please stop.
11. Donald Trump
On the topic of thin-skinned whiners who can’t accept the source of their fame, Donald Trump. You had to have seen his name coming at some point; this list is practically made for him. He’s been especially active lately. Namely because he’s gunning for the highest office in the land, and doing so with frightening effectiveness. But politics aside, Drumpf tweets with the frequency that most people talk. People that aren’t Donald Drumpf that is. Aside from his famously, how shall we put it, colorful tweets about his competitors (read: everyone), he has also expressed interest in Robert Pattinson‘s relationship with Kristen Stewart, proving to us once and for all that Drumpf isn’t afraid to tackle the hard issues.
10. Scott Baio
And when Drumpf won’t, Scott Baio will. For the millennials among you, Scott Baio is a former child star and Happy Days cast member. After that, not much is known about him. Some say he lived in the far reaches of the world, some say he ended up being a go-to guest star for when Dean Cain wasn’t available. Regardless, he recently emerged back on to the scene to throw in his support for Donald Drumpf. Aggressively. Becoming Drumpf’s only Hollywood cred, it’s hard to say whether Baio has helped more than he’s hurt. Whichever it is, Baio is surely just happy to be here.
9. Katy Perry
Hollywood shills come in all shapes and forms. Sometimes they’re washed up sitcom stars, and sometimes they’re pre-washed up superstar singers. Katy Perry, colorful, fun, loveable-ish, video clips with kinky candy dreams, and famous for being famous in 2012. Somehow, she’s managed to grow increasingly more annoying on social media since she’s started backing Hillary Clinton. Your feelings on Hillary aside, seeing #ImWithHer every hour, of every day, of every week (we may be exaggerating, but it’s really friggin’ annoying) from someone who sings about f*cking for a living can get really old, really fast. Especially when it becomes very obvious pandering and turns you into a full-time campus representative for Hillary. We get it, Katy.
8. Tyler, The Creator
Maybe he should step away from Twitter? Or maybe Tyler just needs to step away from humanity for a moment. Because he seems to like neither very much. But that’s just Tyler’s style, spewing high school bus jabs and going off on all-caps rants about the crazy shit Tyler evidently sees. It’s fun for a while, but when you realize the absolute consistency with which Tyler carries out his persona, you start to wonder how exhausting it must be to be the Odd Future frontman. Or how truly odd Tyler really is. What could he possibly have been thinking when tweeting, “YO I LOST ALL MY FOLLOWERS AHAHAHAHA OH F*CK THIS IS KARMA FOR LAUGHING AT THAT BABY FALLING I KNOW IT IS”? Did he think we would feel bad and re-follow him? Is he trying to show us he doesn’t care because his post is all in caps and he’s HAHAHAing at us? Come on, Tyler, stop trying to pretend you don’t care we left you.
7. Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt
Boring, old news and relatively unrecognizable in 2016. No, we’re not talking about Scott Baio again. But his 2036 equivalent, for sure. Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt were a couple on that one show your girlfriend watched. It was filled with the scripted “real life” drama of rich babies living in the Hollywood Hills. They did something, surely, and did it with enough showmanship to become household names, even to those who had never actually seen what they look like. It didn’t stick, though, and since then these two reality television stars have been tweeting stupid shit at each other and the general public. Most of it is nausea-inducing navel gazing, but a good portion of it includes…. well, actually that about sums it up.
6. Yoko Ono
Ain’t nobody got nothing on Yoko Ono when it comes to navel gazing, however. The New Age-y widow of John Lennon has made a decades-long reputation for herself as being a relatively annoying fixture in popular culture. Her art was often grating, and her music was really only grating. Ono did herself no favors by screwing her stepson out of a lot of his father’s possessions after his death. But all of this amounts to nothing compared to the nonsense she tweets about on a daily basis. Vague observations and cheap, newspaper horoscopes litter her Twitter page and she doesn’t seem to show signs of stopping. Why just yesterday she tweeted another joke of a message, “Whatever touches you to the point that it makes you cry is good.” While the tweet is entertaining in itself, nothing beats the comments it’s received. Do yourself a favor and check it out.
5. Jaden Smith
Of course, when Yoko Ono eventually does stop, Jaden Smith will be there to grab the torch. Jaden, like Yoko, has made his entire career off of being famous-adjacent to his far more famous relatives, as well as tweeting meaningless words. There was the famous “if our eyes are mirrors” tweet that launched a thousand memes. But this was merely a sample among the droves of soggy word salads that populate his Twitter account. If he’s doing it for attention, it’s working. Not that it’s a respectable means of attention-getting (is there any?). However, if it’s in an attempt to be intellectually stimulating, he really needs to stop. And think. Maybe if he had stopped to think about what he was tweeting, the world wouldn’t be questioning whether he has the ability to think at all.
Speaking of Twitter accounts that are basically just those South Park machines that tap into your subconscious, Madonna’s tweets are things of beauty. And insanity. Her tweets are exactly what you’d expect from Madonna. Half mom trying to be cool on Facebook, half mumbo jumbo nonsense, Madonna tweets like someone who has never been told, “well that’s just ridiculous.” Because she’s Madonna. And everyone is too scared to mention that half of her tweets are grainy pictures from Google images. Or that her edginess is lost on a generation that learned about her by sifting through their mother’s CD collection stuffed into the back pocket of the driver’s side car seat.
3. Smash Mouth
Smash Mouth is a band that’s synonymous with Shrek and not much else. If you listened to their music pre-2001, you’re very likely in the minority, despite the fact that the band had a seven-year career prior to their brief moment in the lime light. All of this (and more) is very evident to the members of Smash Mouth, and let’s just say they are none too happy about it. The band’s Twitter page gained notoriety this summer when whoever was in charge of posting decided to start angrily responding to tweets that drew any connection between the band and the beloved movie about an ogre who just wants to be left alone. The connection has never been more clear. Vacillating between passive aggressive and irritated, the Twitter account managed to make Smash Mouth look like a bunch of thin-skinned whiners who can’t accept the source of their fame is a cartoon. Which is better than the image they had before— because they didn’t have one.
2. James Deen
Yes, that’s spelled correctly. Yes, the actual James Dean is dead. This one is an adult film star. But an incredibly famous one in the industry, and one of the few to really break into mainstream pop culture. Deen has become famous for tossing off the oft-taken role of muscled-out mouth-breather that many male stars of his kind were relegated to, and instead going for the ‘Boy Next Door’ vibe. He was nice, everyone was happy to go about their film-watching business with him in it, and nothing was wrong. But then reality reared its ugly head and a litany of sexual assault allegations came frothing forth, all over Deen’s promising career. His tweets haven’t helped much either. Between discussing the merits of pissing on people to lewd descriptions of his costars (this one is arguably fine, considering his line of work), Deen’s Twitter is on the cusp of being a sleazy locker room. His just happens to have over 200,000 peep holes.
1. All Of Them, Collectively
Come to think of it, all celebrities should probably just stop tweeting. For every Katy Perry tweeting about a #cause, there’s ten thousand more pop stars, all vying to stay socially relevant by forcing their followers to watch, read, and listen to propaganda paid for by advertisers and lobbyists. Even the crazy, interesting-to-watch celebrities eventually drop a little product placement in their Twitter feeds, reminding you that the world is made of money and that celebrities are just figments of your imagination dreamt up by Madison Avenue. Or that maybe people that are famous aren’t actually inherently interesting, and Twitter makes them even less so. Food for thought.
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