Revenge is a dish best served cold. Keep that in mind as you continue reading on. This isn’t a nice tongue-in-cheek article about getting back at your cheating future ex, and it’s also not about going to such lengths that you end up breaking the law. We are looking at fun ways of embarrassing and maybe ruining the day, month or reputation of a cheating boyfriend, husband, wife, or girlfriend. Now, first things first: you gotta have hard evidence before you go down this road. Certainly, if there’s sexting going on, and you see it for yourself, that’s hard evidence enough. But just a few suspicions doesn’t qualify you to go Code Red on the person that’s sleeping next to you. A little jealousy can be normal in relationships, but the fact that your man, or woman, was polite to the server at the restaurant doesn’t really qualify as cheating.
Assuming there is some hard evidence, then we believe it’s time to take action. Now, many people will want to overreact. They will want to charge ahead and strike blow after blow, physically and verbally, expending a lot of angry energy in the process. This solves nothing and can even get you in trouble. If you know you’re with a no-good cheater, then that is that. Words will not help or solve anything. Instead, keep your biggest newfound enemy as close as possible. This way, revenge will be at your fingertips, and the less the enemy knows you know, the better off you are.
See, information is power. Instead of flying off the handle, wait it out. Then, when the time is right, strike with cold calculating precision and embarrass the hell out of culprit. Screw the screaming. We want the cheater tarred, feathered, and pushed out into an open arena of mass embarrassment from which he or she will never recover. Sure, this may be juvenile, but if you can have fun at the cheater’s expense, why shouldn’t you? This is how we believe you should deal with a cheating significant other. And remember, this isn’t simply a top 15 list from which you choose just one; these are different things you can do in succession. Give the cheater a tidal wave of revenge! Now, let’s talk about getting even.
15. Clearance Sale!
Hey, when you’ve got a good sale, the buyers will come. Make up a few nice lawn signs signifying your intentions. Think: “My ex is sleeping around, so I decided to have a yard sale. But instead of charging you, it’s all free! I need room for my newly found independence!” And then you add the exact measurements of your future ex’s clothing and apparel. And you know all too well that when you give things away for free, the flock will come and take them away! Since you didn’t throw it away, it really isn’t stealing or even a crime. Other people took it; you just didn’t stop them. Adding a nice door sign about how your ex cheated is a good way to cap off the day. This way, when the cheater comes home, it will be pretty clear what went down.
14. Nair It
Sure, we all remember Nair. It’s the product that has just a bit of burn and can melt your hair away. It’s not a hard leap of faith here. Shampoo + Nair = Hair Loss. That’s right; sneak into the bathroom when the coast is clear and start to combine Nair with the cheater’s favorite shampoo product. Don’t go overboard though. You want them to lose hair in small amounts, just enough to make them panic and be concerned. Hey, a trip to the doctor over potential fatal diseases will provide you with a few laughs as the cheater desperately searches for answers. That’s why you only dose a few ounces at a time. You want the cheater to use the concoction again and again. You can even suggest the hair loss is probably the result of stress. That way, the cheater will think the affair is to blame. In fact, play that angle up. “Is there something that’s stressing you out honey?” This is a very nice Phase One.
13. The Switcheroo
Cell phones are a glorious thing. We look at our phones, and through them, dial and text our saved contacts. Heck, we barely even remember phone numbers anymore. This one requires a little recon. Remember in the intro when we talked about those who got caught red-handed sexting? Well, this play is just for you. What you want to do is enact the plan: Switcheroo. It’s very simple. Wait until your significant other is in the shower. Then grab his or her phone and find the contact entry for that special person you know the cheater is doing the deed with. Next, interchange the snake’s phone number with that of your partner’s brother or sister (think opposite sex here for extreme awkwardness). This way, the switch will look like it’s a software glitch. Now, imagine for a moment, if it’s a guy that’s cheating, and he sends sext messages to his sister? Yuck. The same is true in the opposite scenario. Then, wait a few months and do it again with one of the cheater’s parents. It’s likely that he or she will change cell phones at that point, since it’s already happened twice; then you can do it all over again. Heck, you might even get a call from your in-laws ratting your significant other out.
Getting sleep is really important. Sleep is a huge part of a person healing and feeling refreshed. If you don’t get any sleep, it can really screw with you. When you deprive someone of sleep, you add stress to someone’s life, and it really gets in the way of being happy. Perfect! What you can do is you can dose the cheater with some Sudafed or caffeine pills here and there right before bed. This will keep the cheater up and restless. Then, when he or she falls asleep late at night, it’s a good opportunity to provide a few soft shots to the gut every so often, while you turn back over and pretend to be asleep. This will take the cheater out of the deep sleep state, and in the morning, the culprit will feel the effects of getting little to zero sleep. This is a great way to provide torture on a daily basis.
11. Potty Time
Okay, dosing is a favorite of ours. So this one can’t be a crazy leap. We always look for an opportunity to put the cheating bastard in the worst situation possible. Remember, we are thinking of embarrassing the cheater. So some good colon-cleansing agent mixed in with the cheater’s morning shake, cereal, or coffee can be a nice way to get some revenge. Again, pick an important day, if possible, the day when you know the cheater is planning on dipping out on you to meet up for a romantic liaison. Administer that colon cleanser, sit back, and drink some wine. By the time the cheater gets back home, he or she will either have new clothes on or be completely red in the face and charging to the bathroom.
10. Pregnant and Lovin’ It!
Well, there’s nothing like a nice little pregnancy bomb. This clearly is a woman’s weapon. Pouring this one on top of some of the other things that you have done to your cheating man will continue the mental assault. Dropping the pregnancy bomb can be a difficult pill for a cheating man to swallow. First off, it sends him into an absolute mind frenzy. He is immediately a major villain, and most likely, will have to cut off his affair. He might even consider jumping out of a window, but at the very least, an unexpected pregnancy will surely create a huge problem in his life. His stress level will rise beyond anything he has ever experienced. The unexpected nature of having a child will cause him to do mental back-flips. Naturally, the woman will tragically lose the child. Of course, it’s a cruel joke all around, but all is fair in love and war.
9. Impotence Anyone?
Yeah, the really evil ones can start to light this fire and enjoy every second of it. This one plays well for both sexes, but it’s always funnier when this is done to a cheating guy. You can sabotage the cheater’s sex life without even being in the room. Ancient monks have used a sexual mute button in the herb called chaste tree berry. It has been around for centuries and is still used to curb libido. A steady diet of this mixed into the foods of your cheating partner will cause him or her to have some pretty awkward moments going forward. And unlike with many drugs that require prescriptions, this one, you can get on the open market. Give the cheater healthy doses, and enjoy the show (or the lack thereof). This herb will certainly bring a halt to all extracurricular activities.
8. Little Blue Pill
Hey, sometimes. it’s just better to go the other way with something. Push it to the limit! How about giving your cheating spouse a 24/7 erection? This one, obviously, is for the cheating men, and women can certainly have a lot of fun with this one. You’ll need some drug access, however, to be able to get your hands on these goodies. But we’re sure you can manage that. And when you do, get some Viagra and let’s get fired up! You want to wait for an important day at work for him. This way, the discomfort of having a massive erection for hours on end will be incredibly embarrassing. This one can be used multiple times, but make sure to spread out the dosing. No matter what, be assured, he will squirm and struggle all day long and certainly have issues.
7. The Photo Bomb
This can go two ways. First, if there is proof positive (such as a photo, a screenshot, or a letter) of your significant other cheating, this is when you create a fake email account, and mail out the evidence to everyone the cheater knows, including family, friends, colleagues, and yourself. The scandal will completely embarrass the cheater beyond belief. You may ask, “Why send the evidence to yourself?” You do it because it exonerates you from being accused as the one who sent out the evidence. This is when you put that spotlight on the cheater, and make him or her crawl into the corner. In fact, the cheater may even go out of his or her way to buy you stuff and go on an apology tour while you craft your next revenge scheme.
6. Smelly Car Trick
Okay, it’s time to really make the cheater go crazy. Someone’s car is a great place to hide something that will haunt the owner on a daily basis. Here’s what you do. Buy a bell pepper, and cut it into very thin slivers. Then, go to each of the seat covers in the front seats. If the covers are cloth, this obviously makes things easier. Next, cut a very small hole into the sides of the covers and start carefully sliding in peppers. If you can sew well, carefully sew the small holes shut to hide the deed. But even if you don’t sew the holes shut, it doesn’t really matter. Surely, the cheater will keep guessing where the rotten smell is coming from, and the source will likely never be found. To compound screwing with the cheater, provide a car air freshener. This way, the cheater won’t know what’s going on until the odor nails them like a smelly wave of awfulness.
5. Some Wet Work
What exactly is wet work, you might ask? Well, it’s when someone urinates on you. And there are people who actually get paid to pee on people. I’m not sure why this underground business transaction exists, but it does. So let’s talk about wet work. There are many questionable magazines that have some of these ads. As far as the Internet goes, Craigslist is one of those sketchy places you can discover some coded wet-work listings. Either way, the point is, you post your cheating SOB’s info in a wet-work ad with his or her phone number attached. Add a sexy photo of some model instead of your partner in the ad, and let the phone calls come raging in. Should be hilarious. Make sure to add the cheater’s business phone number to it for extra giggles. Imagine a receptionist taking calls for your future ex in which the callers are telling the receptionist they want “wet work”? Classic.
4. The Drop Off
Okay, so this one is a little extreme and kind of gets the ball rolling with our final plays. This one could be the end of the line. Let’s say you drug the cheater a little (roofies will do), drive him or her across the Mexican border, and drop the cheater off in a bar. Then you drive back to the United States, leaving the culprit behind without a wallet or ID of any kind. This works better if the cheater is a man. If it’s a woman, you can drug her with a tranquilizer and drop her off somewhere deep in Canada at a random motel. This way, rape is taken out of the equation. The point is, dropping the cheater off in the middle of nowhere with nothing is a great way to score that cherry and whipped cream to your string of torture items. This would definitely be one of the final swipes.
3. Anchoring Down
Superglue everything the cheater owns. If you can get access to the cheater’s office, great. Otherwise, superglue all of the cheater’s belongings down and enjoy what ensues. See the cheater trying to get the phone off a table. Watch the attempt to pick up the remote. Even glue the cheater’s shoes down. And make sure, as always, to leave a lovely message or sign about how you know what the cheater has been doing. You never want to give the culprit the thought of being the victim. You want the cheater to know that the suffering is fully deserved. So again, superglue everything to everything. If it can be picked up, superglue it down!
2. Nail The Cheater’s Best Friend
Is this juvenile? Yes. Is it practical? Maybe it isn’t. But there’s no better revenge than revenge sex. And if your future ex has been sleeping around on you, an evil way of stabbing back even harder is going after the best friend. Maybe this best friend has flirted with you in the past? Maybe you’ve flirted back a bit? Before you even break up with your future ex, take the best friend out to a hotel bar. Say that you’re upset and want to drink, but you don’t want to be alone. Then, make sure the best friend goes for drink after drink with you. Have a room key ready in your pocket, and while both of you are drunk off your asses, go up to the room. Let the night go wherever it’s meant to go. Take a photo or two if you like. Now, if you’ve always had a crush on this best friend, maybe this is the perfect transition relationship. But if you don’t like him or her all that much, just take a few sexy photos and send them to your future ex as proof of your evil doings. Either way, this one is a definitely a cold dish of revenge.
1. The Swan Song
A nice Facebook hack can be a sweet swan song. Generally, if you’ve been with someone for a long time, you know his or her passwords. If you were able to hack the cheater’s phone and mess with it, as I advised earlier, then the Facebook hack should be easy. But keep in mind, once you go here, you are definitely moving on. The Facebook Swan Song can be used in conjunction with a few of our other final blows in the top 5. The key with this one is to begin by admitting to the world how you have been cheating. Admit to everyone how you have been a terrible person and confess all the sins you have (and of course, by “you,” we mean that you’re pretending to be the cheater on his or her account). Start to share very real embarrassing information, and, for good measure, you can also include pictures. You might not have a long time to execute this, so it would be good to be prepared with a healthy copy-and-paste plan. This way, you can reveal large amounts of information without actually having to type it slowly. Have your ammo locked and ready to roll, let go of all of the cheater’s dirty secrets, and air every piece of dirty laundry there is. After that, you should be able to close the door on that relationship and move on.