So you’ve met a girl. And you’re really, really into her. There’s just one small problem: you think she might be dirty. No, not that kind of dirty. The kind of dirty that piles up in the corners of her apartment and leaves a fine layer of stinky dust over nearly every aspect of her life. The kind of dirty that just follows her around, accompanying her at every party, every lunch, and of course every date.
How can you tell if she’s dirty? It’s fairly easy if you briefly inspect the clues she is giving you. For example, if you’re out to dinner and she spills something on her shirt but keeps talking about that annoying chick Becky she works with, she might be dirty. If her yoga pants are always so coated in cat hair you wonder if she works full-time at a veterinary office, she might be dirty. If she’s straight up dirty most of the time, either she works in construction or she’s — you guessed it — probably dirty.
By paying attention to the subtle — and sometimes not-so-subtle — signs that will tell you she’s a dirty, dirty girl, you can spare yourself the heartbreak of falling in love with a slob. Or go ahead and love her just the way she is anyway. Hey, maybe you’re dirty too and you two can live happily ever after in your disgusting hovel of love.
15. Her Selfies Look Like This
OK, so you’re looking cute today and want to show the world. Great! Grab that phone and get to snapping.
Wait, what’s that on the floor? Actually, while we’re on the topic, where is the floor?! No one is saying your home has to look like it’s about to be featured on an HGTV show but come on, at least kick the dirty clothes into the corner.
Girls get a pass for taking a selfie in a dirty mirror if they’re at the gym, but there is absolutely no excuse for taking a selfie in front of her own bathroom mirror splattered in toothpaste and who knows what else. If she’s up on Instagram showing that her mirror has more toothpaste on it than her toothbrush, she may be a dirty girl.
14. Her Fingernails Look Like This
Not all girls feel the need to get frequent manicures or even buff their nails once a year, but if her cuticles are gnawed down to the first knuckle, beware. There’s a reason women in the United States spend $768 million a year on nail polish, because they want to look good.
Nail-biters can get a skin infection called paronychia, which is basically like a big gross pimple on the finger. Bacteria and other cooties can get right into the nails and skin due to all that broken skin, making this more than just aesthetically unpleasing. If her nails are literally torn up, she may be a dirty girl. And she may need to see a doctor if it gets too out of hand (no pun intended).
13. Her Makeup Looks Like This
Experts say that makeup should be replaced regularly, not only because trends change from season-to-season but mostly because makeup can get really, really gross.
Mascara tubes, for example, are basically hangouts for nasty bacteria that can lead to infection if repeatedly swiped near your eye. You know, the entire point of mascara. Tubes should be replaced every three months. Eye shadows can do a bit better, as long as the brushes used to apply it are kept clean. Anything applied without a brush or sponge but rather with fingers should be replaced often, as our fingers are disgusting germ factories.
12. Her Sweatshirts Look Like This
We all have that favorite sweatshirt. You know the one, it’s beaten up, no matter how many times you wash it it still has questionable stains, and you’ve had it so long you don’t even remember where or when you bought it. But no matter how many pounds you gain over the years, it fits you just right and just feels like home every time you slip it on.
Yeah, well, if every single sweatshirt in her closet is raggedy, desperately trying to hold itself together, she might have a problem. It’s not 1984 anymore, that whole cut up off-the-shoulder intentionally ripped look isn’t a thing, unless you just DGAF.
11. Her Bathroom Looks Like This
Bathrooms are already pretty gross to begin with even if you are meticulous about keeping them clean. But if she has an entire hair salon’s worth of products on a single vanity, there’s absolutely no way she’s wiping the inevitable toilet spray that hits the air every time she flushes with any sort of regularity. Yup, she’s gross.
Another glaring sign of bathroom filth: used Q-tips left precariously arranged around the sink as if she’s performing some kind of Satanic ritual using earwax and cotton. There’s a trash can right there (hopefully), how hard is it to throw them out?
10. Her Phone Looks Like This
Nearly everyone with a smartphone without a protective case has experienced the horror of watching your phone slip out of your hand or off the table and fall face first into the floor. For those of us who have endured such events, the sound of that crack and the resulting glass splinters in our fingers as we desperately scroll across our once perfect phone are scarring to say the least.
But a chosen few folks in the world embrace the cracks. Not only that, but their phones are cracked in ways most of us cannot possibly comprehend. How exactly does one smash a phone to the point that it appears as if it was run over repeatedly by a stampede of elephants? Well, she probably threw it at someone. If her phone looks like a business after a riot, she may be a dirty girl.
9. Her Purse Looks Like This
Purses are meant to hold just about everything a girl might need for a day, so five lipsticks, a giant datebook, half a dozen receipts, and a pack of gum isn’t really anything to worry about. But if she carries enough stuff to sustain a small rural town in the event of an apocalyptic event, run.
No single girl needs fifteen different Chapsticks in varying states of label decay, and unless the IRS is going to audit her in the next five minutes there’s no reason she needs a year’s worth of receipts stuffed in every purse pocket either. If an ancient pack of gum deep at the bottom of her bag has given way to a complex civilization of sentient germs, she may be a dirty girl.
8. Her Fridge Looks Like This
Remember that Cribs show on MTV? Stars would open up their glorious French door refrigerators to reveal perfectly lined up shelves filled with Cristal and bottled water. We’d all marvel at their organization skills, while simultaneously wondering WTF they eat since there’s never any actual food in the place where normal people store food.
Fridges are often neglected, with deep cleanings only occurring on stormy days when the WiFi goes out, but a crusty fridge packed with half-eaten takeout boxes, brown guacamole containers, and various Tupperware that may or may not have once contained actual food is a massive red flag.
7. Her Dog Looks Like This
They say that dogs look like their owners. By “they,” we mean actual scientists. Once, a scientist at the University of California San Diego went to a dog park to take pictures of owners and their dogs. He then recruited a bunch of random people to match the dogs to their owners using only the photos he took. Despite the randoms having no clue as to whose dog was whose, they were able to match dogs to their owners with reasonable accuracy. Scientists concluded that it’s because human beings are basically full of themselves and therefore pick dogs that remind them of themselves.
Some dog breeds need more regular grooming than others. Yorkies, for example, can get pretty gross pretty quick if their fur isn’t regularly tended to. At a minimum, they need someone to run a brush through it a couple times a week. That takes what, ten minutes at the most? Everyone has time for that.
6. Her Microwave Looks Like This
We’ve all had a Hot Pocket ooze out on us from time-to-time, but there’s a reason those spinning plates come out. Spoiler alert: it’s so you can take it out and wipe it down every now and again.
It’s easy to let a microwave get disgusting, after all you don’t have to look at the mess except when you’re using the thing. If company comes over, you just keep the microwave door closed (I mean, what kind of weirdo leaves their microwave door open all the time?). It’s like it isn’t there at all.
At a minimum, however, a halfway clean person will wipe that thing down once in a while. If you don’t, you run the risk of getting a microwave that will always be an odd shade of stained-nicotine yellow and splattered Ragu red no matter how much you clean it.
5. Her Clothes Look Like This
Pets make a house a home, we all know this. They can also be an absolute pain to clean up after. The stuff gets everywhere, and no matter how thoroughly you clean it up there’s always that one tumbleweed of fur rolling across your floor at any given time.
See, they make these fancy things called lint rollers, and they’re like $3. It only takes a moment to run one over your clothes before you leave the house. If a lint roller isn’t your thing, just vacuum constantly, do laundry regularly, and try running a slightly damp sponge over your couch to gather the hair into a nice little ball. But don’t use the same sponge you use to wash dishes otherwise you might be dirty AF too.
4. Her Car Looks Like This
We all have that one friend who spends twenty minutes moving the crap off their passenger side seat before we can get in that car. They keep at least six outfits in their trunk at any given time, and probably have one of those ice scraper thingies in there too even though y’all live in Florida. Most people call this hoarding, but your friend calls it being prepared.
Unless you live in the middle of nowhere and never stop for gas, chances are you come across at least one garbage can in the course of your day. Take two minutes to gather up the old bags of fast food, empty Starbucks cups, and greasy receipts and throw them out! It’s not difficult.
3. Her Inbox Constantly Looks Like This
You don’t have to be a Getting Things Done practitioner constantly battling to keep your inbox at absolute zero, but it’s kind of tough to make sure you aren’t missing any important emails if you let them pile up until the number of unread emails can’t even be viewed on the screen.
Some psychologists say that a cluttered inbox is a clue that you are disorganized, disengaged, and basically don’t care. However, an inbox packed with unread emails may also be a sign that you’re intelligent, as it means you realize there are much more important things in life than filing away emails.
However, taken in the aggregate with other clues that someone might be totally disorganized and probably messy to boot, an out of control inbox might be a red flag. If she can’t even bother to click “mark all as read,” she may be a dirty girl.
2. Her Ring Fingers Look Like This
Not everyone can afford real gold, silver, or platinum and they aren’t expected to. Some girls have giant bins full of cheap but adorable jewelry that pretty much guarantees gross green ring around the finger after just a day of wearing it.
For that matter, even “real” jewelry can still cause the dreaded green ring. It’s actually a combination of air and your skin that makes certain metals oxidize with skin. Nickel and copper in particular just love to leave their mark.
Taking two minutes to slap some clear nail polish on the inside of the ring can usually fix this. If she is rocking green discolored rings on her fingers instead of actual rings all the time, she may be a dirty girl.
1. Her Earbuds Look Like This
Tangled earbuds are the curse of our time and absolutely no one is immune, except those smart enough to cut the cord and go wireless. For the rest of us, it’s just something we’ve learned to deal with.
But a select few people have gathered every pair of earbuds they’ve ever owned in their life and stuff them in their bag to remain there until the end of time. Sometimes, there are even stray phone chargers thrown in there just because.
Girls are particularly susceptible to this compulsion to hoard tangled earbuds, as they tend to have purses that can devour a lifetime’s worth of headphones like a giant sinkhole at the bottom.
One or two pairs and a charger is pretty normal. But if she’s got a rat’s nest of twenty pairs of earbuds all wrapped up with each other, clinging to their knots for dear life, she may be a dirty girl.