Ah, Logan. Critics are raving about this movie. It’s been hyped up as the best superhero movie, period. It’s got high ratings on just about every movie rating website known to man. Folks old and young get into theaters excited and come out with this idea that they have somehow come across the messiah of Marvel movies. Logan is rumored to even be a contender for Best Picture! Allow me to set the record straight:
Keep in mind that if you haven’t seen the movie, you should absolutely turn back now. This list is going to contain spoilers, and I am not going to hold back telling you what happens, who dies, who lives, and details about the movie that are better left to people who have seen the movie. If you have not seen the movie and do not want any of it spoiled, you have been warned. For those of you who have seen the movie, please proceed.
In this list, I will explore the Logan movie in depth. I will let you know at full bore why Logan sucks and why, if you think otherwise, you are simply wrong. Don’t believe me? Read on and find out why Logan, simply put.. sucks.
15. Death Glossed Over
None of the important stuff that happens in the movie is really given life in the movie. Everything that has any meaning to the film, let alone to the loyal Marvel fans who grew up with the X-Men, should have been given the life it sorely needed in the film. Professor Xavier’s death, for example. This moment in an X-Men fan’s life is pivotal. It is a moment in time that represents the culmination of an entire universe’s story! All of the drama, action, gain, loss, betrayal, heartache, and sadness that went into thirty years worth of comics was literally thrown into the back of a truck and given about two seconds where Wolverine buried it, just like the movie buried our childhoods. Xavier’s death was a big deal, and the movie took a piss all over it.
14. It Makes No Sense
Wolverine is a self-sacrificing character with a heart of gold. He is the apex of the gruff, fatherly protector with an abrasive personality, an in your face attitude, and a heart of gold to match. He would die for anyone he is loyal to and, according to the comic books, he has died several times in order to protect or save the people he loved. The entire premise of Old Man Logan is built upon this fact, because for everything he had done to save his friends, everything he had given up and sacrificed, he had done the one thing he spent his life trying to prevent: he killed everyone he loved.
13. Thirty Seconds Of Actual Action
Looking past the fact that the entire movie makes no sense with the fact that the entire premise for the Westchester Incident was shifted to Professor Charles Xavier, leaving Old Man Logan a pipe dream because he never killed his friends, you can’t tell me that this even comes close to being a film about anyone remotely resembling Wolverine! Throughout the film, you watch Logan get his ass beaten thoroughly. You wait the entire two hours for a bad ass redemption that never comes. Not once does Wolverine beat wholesale ass. Not once does the viewer get the sense that Wolverine is an ass-kicker. In fact, you get about thirty seconds of Wolverine-worthy action for the whole two hours of movie you have to sit through to see it.
12. Wolverine’s Death
Charles’ death was not something that should have been glossed over. Then, as if to add insult to injury, Wolverine’s burial is given about twenty seconds as well! The entire movie is supposedly based upon the last great effort of Logan to ensure the survival of mutant-kind. The epitome and apex of his entire character brought into a singular moment where he does the exact thing that his character was meant to do. The ultimate protector of all that is sacred perishes for that which he loves and holds truly dear. They don’t dwell on it in the movie at all. It is given not a shred of dignity. What his death is given instead is a bunch of snot-nosed kids anxious to cross the Canadian border to escape a group of people that no longer exists.
11. Jackman’s Big Deal!
Everyone is going crazy over the fact that Hugh Jackman is claiming that this will be the last time he plays Wolverine. Some folks are calling it his best film yet, beyond even just his best Wolverine portrayal. It couldn’t possibly be because of the fact that that he’s not doing Wolverine anymore, could it? It is not as if the media wouldn’t consider over-blowing some small facet of the movie’s story in order to sell more tickets, would they?
Of course they would!
The geeks of Marvel’s newest fandom claiming they liked Wolverine before it was cool are all going crazy over their sadness that Jackman is leaving the franchise, claiming he would have stayed if the director would consider an Avengers crossover and whatever else but in the end, who really cares? Of course he’s leaving. The franchise killed Wolverine off!
10. What The Hell?
I can tell you this: almost everyone going to see this movie doesn’t know squat about the X-Men comics, let alone Wolverine. I know this because anyone watching the movie would have walked out of it dumbfounded by the absolute hack job that Mangold did to X-Men canon history. What they did makes no damned sense, does it?
Granted, it was a cool twist to give Professor Charles Xavier a mental illness that caused his superpower to become something of a misfiring gun, taking people out and down without warning or cause. The thing is, turning it into the reason that the movie has the foundation it does makes the entire thing pretty much a dissertation in confusion. Nothing makes sense when you look at it from a canon standpoint.
9. The Tragic History
The movie assumes that the death of the X-Men was caused by Professor Xavier and his degrading mind becoming a repeatedly self-detonating nuclear bomb. They make no subtleties in explaining that Xavier killed the X-Men, and that’s supposedly this huge reason why Logan is who he is, and what he’s protecting Old Man Xavier from, right? To the casual observer this makes total sense to bring Logan into some gritty, tragic remake in order to help him identify who he is, and why Logan is the gruff, hard-boiled man that he is.
The problem is, it makes no damned sense. Wolverine may grieve the X-Men according to the history of the Logan universe, but the issue is that Logan wouldn’t have wound up the way he did if Xavier had done the deed. In fact, what really happened is so much worse.
8. Charles Didn’t Do It
Let me start by saying that Xavier wasn’t the reason that the X-Men died. At least, not in the canon Marvel universe. Even though they make a Sundance Festival-style hint at the idea that Xavier caused the Westchester incident, the subtlety really isn’t all that subtle in the movie. In fact, the movie pretty much rubs your face in the idea that Xavier did something awful. From the radio chatter in the truck, reminding the listeners about the “infamous Westchester incident” where many were wounded and killed, to the crying moment just before they unceremoniously off the iconic psychic, the idea that Xavier’s illness was the cause of the downfall of every damned mutant on earth is driven home.
7. The Westchester Incident
The truth of the Westchester Incident would have allowed Logan to make a whole lot more sense, and would have kept loyal X-Men fans such as myself happy had the movie actually kept true to the true history of the story. Then again, why keep true to the story if you can do whatever you want, right?
For those of you who don’t know, the Westchester Incident is the day that Wolverine died. He died because Wolverine was alone, left to defend the institute. The school was attacked and Wolverine fought hard to defend the children and other mutants from the attackers. That’s Wolverine. He protects you to the death if he has to.
6. Mysterio Is Missing
Let’s not forget the reason the X-Men are gone in Logan. Untangling the web of absolute tripe that is the completely fabricated story of Logan, you come to find that the heart of the matter is the main ultra-villain Mysterio, who caused Wolverine to believe, through a massive illusion, that the Institute For Gifted Youngsters was being attacked by various villains. Mysterio is the reason that Wolverine died at the Westchester Incident because he is the cause of it. Wolverine slaughtered his friends and all of the children because Mysterio orchestrated it to happen that way. Instead of giving Logan meaning, and perhaps in order to not have to spend more money bringing in another name, Mysterio’s orchestrations were left out and Xavier was fitted as the reason the X-Men died.
5. This Still Doesn’t Make Sense
Xavier taking the blame as the reason the X-Men perished during the Westchester Incident still doesn’t make any sense, though, does it? Think about it this way. Each and every student, not to mention the faculty of the Institute were mutants. Each of them had their own powers. In the movie, it shows that Wolverine can withstand Xavier’s paralyzing seizures because of his healing factor, but are we to believe that no other X-Men could have survived something that a casino full of humans walked away from? So many students had healing factors. Not to mention, Jean Grey and her immense psychic ability coupled with Cerebro’s power couldn’t have quelled the incident? Or any of the other psychics present? Logan expects us to suspend disbelief enough to think that Xavier just has a seizure and the X-Men just took it to the chin and perished? Right.
4. Downfall Of Mutantkind
So on top of the fact that we are supposed to believe that the students and faculty of the Charles Xavier Institute perished due to one of the seizures that Xavier had during the movie, old school X-Men fans also have to come to terms with the fact that there are completely unknown reasons that the rest of the mutants of the world have vanished. Logan explains it as such that the company that created Alkali Transigen, Wolverine’s clone mutant daughter, somehow killed them all off. They also hint that corn syrup was the transportation by which they delivered some kind of anti-mutant drug or virus or something. In the canon X-Men history, the defeat of the X-Men left Red Skull to take over and off the rest of the mutants and reign supreme. This isn’t the case in Logan, because who cares about the comics, right?
3. Antagonist Schmantagonist
The main antagonist, or shall we say the one that we see the most throughout the film, is Donald Pierce. Donald is one tough customer to such an extent that near the beginning of the movie, he actually confronts Logan and demands to know where Alkali is. Though parts of this antagonist remain true to the real thing, there are some huge holes in this guy as well. First and foremost, he is depicted in the comics as a mutant-hating mutant who can turn psychic attacks against the attacker. This would be awesome for the movie, considering that Charles Xavier has this nasty habit of attacking everyone in a three block radius with a psychic seizure, right? Donald has the best defense against it! No, wait. Donald Pierce doesn’t have any powers in Logan. In fact, no one explains anything about him. At all.
2. What’s Up With Caliban, Anyway?
Caliban is one tough dude in the comics. He’s an insane tracker with the ability to sense mutants all over the world, and pinpoint even cloaked and stealthed mutants and hunt them down. On top of all that, he was trained by Iceman and Apocalypse himself to defend himself, giving him an honor that hardly any other mutant can claim. He was a badass! He has even died and come back a few times because he is just that awesome. He is capable of inflicting fear and utilizing it to boost his own adrenals, giving him super strength, as well. Logan completely castrated Caliban. He is depicted in Logan as a horrifically frail albino with barely any physical or defensive faculty of his own. How disappointing.
1. No Loyalty To Fans
If you’re looking for a Sundance Film Festival movie, designed to depress people who have absolutely no idea what an X-Men comic is, then Logan is absolutely your movie. It contains all the depressive, lame instances that modern movie making has come to call award-winning. It’s got major plot holes that make no sense to anyone who has even a shred of knowledge about the franchise. It has moments that will adhere to a parent’s mind and pander to their sense of impermanence of life. It even has hints of action, and the promise to be the last time Hugh Jackman puts on the Wolverine costume!
Do you know what this movie wasn’t? It wasn’t loyal. If you go in with no expectations, you might enjoy Logan. If you go in expecting Wolverine? You’re going to have a bad time.
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