If there’s one thing that we can all be sure of, it’s that’s Kim Jong-Un is just a regular guy, right? I mean, it’s not like he’s the scion of one of the most powerful families the world has ever known now, is he? His dad was just a regular Joe too. Well, a regular Jong, at least. His dad never threatened the whole world with a rain of nuclear (or even just plain old ballistic) missiles just because America didn’t like him very much. He never subjected his own people to the most horrible human rights abuses imaginable in the name of the state. He certainly never repeatedly mobilized his entire military for “maneuvers” at the South Korean border just to keep his neighbors and their allies jumping on the 38th parallel. Nah, his dad would never have done all that. Just ask Kim Jong-Un. The whole family is chock full of regular guys, like Kim’s uncle Chang Song. Now where did he go again? I’m not sure I remember but you can bet dimes to dollars Kim does, since one of his first official acts as the “Morning Star King” (see??? Just a regular guy’s nickname!), was to send Uncle Chang on a nice, long, well-deserved vacation, if you know what I mean.
But really, I promise you, the son of North Korea’s departed “Dear Leader,” now the “Great Successor” and “Sun of the 21st Century,” is a different guy, a regular fella. Sure he conducts illegal nuclear weapons tests whenever he thinks he can get away with it. Sure he has 120,000 political prisoners to call his own now. Sure he’s just about the last absolute monarch left on the planet. But he also loves wine and cheese. He worries about impotence. He looks like he got his haircut a Great Clips with a coupon and, just like everyone in Russia and Wisconsin, chain-smokes like a bastard. Don’t believe me? Think he’s some kind of terrible tyro? Check out these pics of Kim Jong doing what everyday dudes do.
15. Pawn Shopping
Sometimes you just need a new shotgun, especially if you’re planning on doing some hunting later- who knows, maybe for Brontosaurus, if this pic is any indication. What better place to get a perfectly serviceable gun than at your local pawn shop? Notice that the owner of the shop on the left is trying to sell our buddy Kim on its awesome safety features. But if Kim is anything like the rest of us good ‘ol boys, all he’s thinking about is blasting some buckshot into some innocent road signs. I wonder what he pawned to get the gun? I’m thinking his mom’s jewelry has got to be worth something, right?
14. Sharper Image Store
Here we see Kim testing out some new gadgetry at the Sharper Image store at the mall. See? Just like every other guy, the dude knows the value of useless hi-tech wonders that claim to deliver the moon but fall apart the minute you get them out of the box. I think this is one of those new binoculars that are supposed to give you not only infrared capabilities and night vision but even have X-ray vision too. Kim’s probably thinking about whether he’ll be able to sneak a peek at that hot chick next door to the palace. Since he’s at Sharper Image, I bet that cane leaning on the desk next to him is a sword cane too.
13. Working In A Sporting Goods Store
Everybody has to start somewhere, you know. I myself began my writing career composing jingles for a local radio station. Our man Kim used to work in the local sporting goods store, selling basketballs, soccer balls, and jock straps to high schoolers and weekend warriors alike. It’s amazing how far a strong work ethic and saving your money can take you- from selling Spaldings to setting off subatomic missiles, Kim Jung sure has come a long way, baby! It’s cool to see that he can still call on that magic sales touch whenever he goes back to the crib to represent.
12. Visiting the Maine Coastline In Summertime
The Maine coast is no joke, even in August. But Kim knows that- see how he’s wearing layers for his trip to “Vacationland?” I’m sure he chowed down on plenty of good Maine lobster and was invited to his fair share of clambakes. Why not, he’s just a regular guy, after all. Want proof? Look at the picture- here he is just taking a candid at the coast when some kind of Russian sub or something surfaces offshore. But all our buddy Kim cares about is getting his vacation shots taken. I just hope he avoided Baxter State Park- those bears will just as soon eat you as look at you. And Kim’s packing plenty of poundage.
11. Factory Tour At Cheez Whiz
Let’s face it, everybody has a strange fascination with Cheez Whiz and how it’s made. Since we know Kim is a connoisseur of cheese, is it any surprise he paid the $7 to take the Cheez Whiz factory tour and go “behind the scenes?” He’s clearly loving it too. His buddy’s all like “don’t even think about making me touch or taste it after this tour” but Kim looks like he’s about ready to jump right into that big tub of cheesy goo. He knows that when you take a factory tour, you have to squeeze every last bit of fun out of it. I heard he even bought a case of the fresh stuff in the gift shop before he left.
10. San Diego Vacation
Everybody knows that San Diego has a beautiful climate, hot babes and a huge navy presence. So after his trip to Maine is it any wonder that Kim headed out to the balmy West Coast? After all, what could be more fun than visiting the U.S. Navy yard with a couple of friends and taking a tour of a WWII-era submarine, then hitting the beaches? It looks like our pal Kim might be stuck in the hatchway, though. I know how that goes; I got stuck below decks on the U.S.S. Constitution tour once in Boston Harbor. My friends treated me the same way Kim’s are treating him too. Which is to say, pretending to ignore him while cracking up behind his back.
9. Goofing On Brando With His Buds
Have you and your friends ever gotten so into a movie that you repeat all the lines, all the time? Like, The Godfather, perhaps? Yeah, it’s definitely a quotable flick and Kim’s crew took it a step further. I love how he’s reenacting Brando’s puttering around in the garden death scene with his hombres. Do you think he bought a replica hat from Ebay just so that he could whip it out when the opportunity presented itself? I know I would- that’s what regular guys do! He’s totally got the whole Brando look down, from the hat to the black suit to the massive weight gain. Now that’s method acting Kim!
Alright- now we’re talking! Here’s our boy rockin’ the white suit and hitting the dance floor. It doesn’t even look like he’s in the VIP section, just raving right along with the crowd out on the main floor, everybody throwing their hands in the air like they just don’t care. Man, he sure is having a good time- he’s dancing hard! I hope nobody slipped him anything; he kind of has that look that suggests maybe somebody did and he just realized it but doesn’t care. I know that feeling; I hope he stays hydrated and doesn’t get into any body mods while he’s at it.
7. First NFL Game
Here’s Kim with some pals at their first NFL game. They got their tickets through StubHub and arrived at the stadium the night before in their rented RV, totally psyched. They’ve been grilling brats and chugging MGD’s for the past eight hours and just got inside. See how everybody’s got their pens and notebooks with them? That’s because Kim just spotted some of the players coming out. He’s all like, “Dudes, that’s Tom Brady! I sh*t you not- that is totally Tom Brady! Quick, someone get his autograph before he goes back down the tunnel! Yo, TB#12- you’re the best, baby!”
6. Talking A Walk Through The ‘Hood
You know what it’s like when you come home from school on winter break and you meet up with your high school friends and you just want to cruise the old neighborhood, showing off how cool you all are? Make all the HS seniors jealous of your awesomeness? Sure you do- so does Kim, since he’s just a regular guy. He’s acting all chill, like, “Yeah, we’re just strolling down to the pizza place, maybe play a few games of Fooseball.” But inside he’s thinking, “That’s right, y’all, we used to own this place. This was our turf. And we can take it back anytime we want.”
5. Missing His Train
It happens to everybody, especially average Joes like Kim. There he was, running late for his job at the sporting goods store and he missed his train. There’s no one there; it was the last train for the next 45 minutes. Look at the expression on his face. I’ve had that exact same expression before. It’s the “You have got to be sh*tting me” face. If I were Kim I would just call work right now and say my Grandma just died or something. When your day starts off this way it’s best to just go back home and crawl back under the covers.
4. Caught Smoking!
Who hasn’t tried to sneak a smoke when you visit your Mom’s on a Sunday afternoon and you thought no one was looking? All Kim did was step out behind the garage for a minute to hotbox it and next thing you know his 13-year-old brother is taking candids and threatening to blackmail him. Kim had to give his kid brother $5 just to shut him up but when he went back inside for Sunday dinner his mom started that whole “Do you smell smoke?” routine and giving him the evil eye. It’s not easy being a closet smoker for a regular guy.
3. Bored At The Opera
Regular guys and the opera don’t mix very well. Sure, we’ll give it the old college try when our wives or girlfriends drag us there for some “culture.” But we all know what we really want to do is stay home eating Pringles out of the can, sipping Jack and watching WWE. Kim’s no different. Look at that clapping action he’s got going on. That is definitely the clapping of a guy who was just elbowed in the side and told to quit snoring. The opera sucks. All regular guys know that, even our friend Kim.
2. First Date
Now this one is just so darn cute. I wonder if it’s a blind date? Kim’s a normal, everyday dude, so there’s no way it’s some kind of arranged date, right? That would totally suck. I’d rather not date at all than try to go out with some “nice girl” that my mom met in the beauty salon. Kim looks pretty happy though; maybe this one will be the one. Hope springs eternal. I mean, after all, for a regular guy he’s doing pretty well for himself. And if his current gig falls through he’s always got a spot back at the sporting goods store- he’s a catch!
1. “I Once Caught A Fish This Big!”
There is nothing more normal than a guy bragging about the fish he’s caught, am I right? You can see Kim’s buddies standing there being like, “Oh geez, we are never gonna hear the end of this one.” Look at the size of that one; I wonder what kind of bait he used? Or if he’s one of those snobs who only fly fishes. Every group of guys has one; you know, the guy who’s a car snob, or a fishing equipment snob, or, God forbid, an audiophile. But not Kim. He’s as average a dude as you can get. Count on it.