We all know about good ol’ J-Lo at this point don’t we? I mean, she’s been in the public eye for a quarter century after all. We first saw her when she appeared on In Living Color, the same show that gave Jim Carrey, Jamie Foxx, Rosie Perez, and the Wayans Brothers their first big breaks. “Jenny from the block” was one of the infamous “Fly Girls” on the sketch-comedy show, the troupe of very hip, very talented, and of course, very hot dancers. For you youngsters out there, this all went down in the Dark Ages of 1990, back when our perception of dancers on TV was defined by the wholesome goodness of American Bandstand, the ridiculousness of the Solid Gold Dancers, and the funky but oh-so-PG moves we saw on Soul Train. The Fly Girls changed all of that with their sexy, sultry, and highly athletic routines- it was like having a feed from a strip club beamed into your living room every Sunday night. The troupe changed popular culture (as did the show itself) and J-Lo parlayed that notoriety into the huge success that she is today.
Of course, every huge star has certain parts of their lives, or certain decisions, or certain past behaviors that they want to keep hidden and secret; or at least hope that people forget about them. Sorry celebs, but that’s just not always possible in our modern world where everything is recorded and millions of people follow your every move. Even the mighty J-Lo has plenty of stuff I’m sure she would like to forget about. The following 15 pictures of her that she doesn’t want you to see should be proof enough of that.
15. Fly Girl
OK, Ok, so it’s the job that launched her to superstardom and all that. But I bet J-Lo would rather not have us think too much about her look as a “Fly Girl” on In Living Color. It’s not that the look was wrong, necessarily. J-Lo has always been cute and as I mentioned before the Fly Girls could be pretty darn hot. But it’s definitely not even close to the look we all know and love from her nowadays. Jennifer Lopez is a major, major star and she knows how to brand her image. Even when she might look a little weird or crazy on stage we still see the J-Lo she wants us to see. This old pic is way more “natural” and unfettered than she would probably like us to remember. Plus, given that the lady has a definite thing for backup dancers I doubt that she wants to be remembered as one herself.
14. The Cell
I’m willing to bet that there’s no way you remember this movie. Nobody does. Or, if you do happen to remember it, you definitely don’t remember it with fondness. The Cell was a 2000 knock-off of the whole Silence of the Lambs fad that swept Hollywood for a while. It was a really, really bad movie with no redeeming qualities. I’m pretty sure it made Vince Vaughn turn away from trying to be a serious leading man into being just a funny guy. I’m also pretty sure it made Vincent D’Onofrio, who plays the serial killer, go off the deep end and only take on the roles of psychotics ever since (catch him in Daredevil to see what I mean). And I’m pretty sure J-Lo wishes she had never been involved in the thing. Especially since D’Onofrio’s character fetishizes her character to the point of being more than a little creepy. I mean, look at this pic. She looks like a freak- and not at all in a good way. It’s actually really unsettling to see her this way. For those of you who like being unsettled by J-Lo I would first ask “why?” and second point you toward this movie.
13. Time Waits For No One
We all know that old saying “Time waits for no one.” Unfortunately it’s an old and clichéd saying because it’s too true. When Father Time decides that you’re done, you’re done. That’s why I’m sure Jennifer doesn’t want us ever seeing pics like this one where it’s obvious she’s no spring chicken. Now don’t get me wrong; she’s only 47-years-old. She’s not ancient after all. Actually she looks freaking incredible if you ask me. I still wish I was one of her backup dancers so that she would maybe look my way once in a while, if you know what I mean. She is still that hot. But some day she won’t be. Some day she actually will be old and grey and bent and broken. She may not want to admit it (who does?) but as we said at the top, time waits for no one. Except for Tom Brady. He, apparently, is invincible.
Yeah, it’s true. When she wasn’t finding all kinds of other dudes to date J-Lo kicked it with Diddy for a while. They were actually together for about two years, if you can believe it. She probably can’t believe it herself nowadays as almost the entire two years the two were together was taken up with gun charges that were brought against Diddy and her back in 1999. If you recall, J-Lo and Diddy were arrested in their car after a late night shooting at a New York City nightclub. While the actress was quickly let go and no charges were ever filed against her the same could not be said for her hip-hop boyfriend who faced multiple charges. I bet J-Lo doesn’t want any reminders whatsoever of what happened that night or her rocky relationship with that guy.
11. Husband 1: Ojani Noa
First of all, J-Lo’s first husband, who she seriously wishes we would all completely forget about, has a name that sounds more like a defensive tackle for the Green Bay Packers than a waiter who happened to marry a famous chick. How the hell did this one happen? Did he give J-Lo exceptionally good service one night, if you know what I mean… I mean, Jennifer, what is this all about? Having a fling with a guy in Miami at Gloria Estefan’s restaurant is one thing (don’t we all do that occasionally?) but marrying him? C’mon now! Jennifer would definitely like us to forget all about this little romance that lasted less than a year, especially since Ojani keeps popping up in the news threatening to release a sex tape the two made way back when black and white movies were still the norm. This is one part of her celebrity life J-Lo would like to just sweep under the carpet.
10. Husband 2: Cris Judd
Well, at least husband number two for J-Lo wasn’t a waiter, am I right? Nah, he was just a backup dancer instead. And no, his name was not K-Fed. Cris Judd actually was more than just a dancer. He also directed a video or two for J-Lo and even wrote her song “Alive.” You know, the theme song from her Girl Power movie Enough. But at the end of the day he was a dancer and J-Lo sure does like her some dancer, doesn’t she? The two weren’t even married a year before divorcing? Sound familiar? Are you sensing a trend? Because I sure am. Judd has a gone onto monstrous success as a reality TV star post-Lopez. I’m not kidding. He’s been on both Keeping Up with the Kardashians and Real Housewives! He must be a huge star! Maybe that’s why he’s now hosting talent shows in New Zealand…
9. Husband 3: Marc Anthony
So now we get to the relationship of J-Lo’s that everybody always thought would last forever. She and singer Marc Anthony had a sort-of “secret wedding in 2004. That is to say, the guests all thought they were attending a party only to realize it was a wedding when they arrived- pretty sneaky Jenny! Anyway, this was shortly after she and Ben Affleck had broken up so it was kind of a surprise to some people. Me? Not so much- Jenny seems to like to be married. Remember, she and Ben were actually engaged, not just dating. So her marriage to Marc, her third, doesn’t seem like much of a reach. The two had twins actually managed to stay together for almost ten years, which is like 100 in Hollywood marriage years, which, as everyone knows, are longer than dog years. Do you think she wants us looking at pictures of the happy couple? Doubtful- Jenny always seems to be moving on to the next guy.
Do you remember when Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez were an item? It seems like it was ages ago, like back in the days of silent films or something but it really wasn’t that long ago. In fact, you can blame those two for basically starting the whole celebrity couple mashed-up nickname thing. That’s right, it may not seem like a thing now when every couple has it but “Bennifer” was one of the very first. What I want to know, though, is how did those two ever manage to get together? Isn’t J-Lo from the Bronx? And isn’t Affleck like one of the most high-profile celebrity Red Sox fans ever? I mean, to me that would be like an oil and water thing. Or throwing gasoline on the fire, as they say. New York and Boston just don’t mix. Not ever. Maybe that’s why they broke up. It couldn’t possibly be because Ben chases everything that moves.
7. Wearing Glasses
There are a lot of Hollywood actresses who look good in glasses, even if they don’t normally wear them. Jennifer Aniston, for one, comes to mind. Here photo shoots with glasses are maybe the gold standard of the whole “sexy librarian/teacher” look. J-Lo…well, not so much. There’s no question that J-Lo is pretty much always hot no matter what- I’m not disputing that. But she probably shouldn’t go for the whole glasses thing. This pic is from the thriller The Boy Next Door. The movie was trying to show that J-Lo’s character was the unhappy older woman who ends up having an affair with a younger guy. I don’t know why the studios always think that putting glasses on a chick makes her seem older- there are plenty of young actresses out there who wear glasses! Anyway, the whole ploy doesn’t work for me because I just can’t see her wearing glasses (you see what I did there? “See her wearing glasses?”) J-Lo looks like she wandered onto the set of Erin Brockovich.
6. Crazy Hair On The Red Carpet
Watch out, it’s Princess Leia from a psycho alternate reality! Or maybe it’s just outtakes from The Cell (more on that later). Whatever it is, it’s pretty frightening. Remember how ten lines ago I said J-Lo always looks hot even when she’s not. Well, I lied. This is scary-bad- like the kind of thing that if you saw it out of the corner of your eye you would run away as fast as you possibly could. What was she thinking? “Oh, I think for tonight’s Red Carpet awards show I’ll go as a toothy vampire on a bad hair day- that’ll wow ‘em!” Umm, no. This look makes Cameron Diaz’s hair in There’s Something About Mary look normal. This is most decidedly not a typical Jenny from the block look. I bet when J-Lo looks back on this evening she can’t help but wonder “what the f**k was I thinking???”
5. Wesley Snipes!
I’m sure Jennifer would love for all of us to just forget that she once dated the strange (not to mention weird and odd) Wesley Snipes. The same Wesley Snipes who decided he didn’t need to pay his taxes for, well…for forever. Apparently the two hooked up while filming the brutally awful Money Train. Alright, maybe “brutally awful” is a little bit too much; the movie did feature Jen in her first sex scene, after all. That’s gotta count for something, right? Then again, this is the same movie that featured Snipes and fellow freak Woody Harrelson as partners who are basically the only two honest cops left in New York City. But get this- they’re Transit cops. Ooohhh- that sounds like they’re one step away from being security guards. But, whatever, the movie came out like a 1,000 years ago and J-Lo was not the big star she is now. I’m sure the chance to work in a major movie was a no-brainer for her at the time. Too bad her decision to date good old Wesley was also a no-brainer.
4. Who’s Casper Smart?
Somehow this rebound relationship of J-Lo’s lasted five freakin’ years. Five! You’re probably asking yourself “Who the hell is Casper Smart?” I know I was. Turns out the dude was a back-up dancer for J-Lo. What the hell is her deal with backup dancers? I mean, I know she was once one herself so maybe she has a soft spot for them. But c’mon Jenny, seriously? You’ve got to know that there’s a relationship that’s not going anywhere. So after coming off an almost ten year marriage to another superstar, I guess I could sort of understand her wanting to have a more low-profile, less stressful relationship. But five years? It just boggles my mind- nobody has a rebound relationship that lasts five years. And this has got to be said, since nobody else seems willing to do it. Jenny- the guy’s name is Casper. You don’t have to go out with a guy named Casper. Especially for five years.
3. Bad Stage Look
I know that every singer out there, from Beyonce to Billy Corgan, has a certain look they try to achieve during their live shows. Beyoncé’s look is hot and glitzy; Billy’s is more angry middle-aged white man. Jenny from the block is no different. In fact, in order to succeed in the music business you’re kind of required to have wild-ass outfits- the bigger the spectacle the better. However, all of that being said, I’m sure Jenny doesn’t want to be reminded of this wardrobe “malfunction” during one of her tours. I say malfunction because this look is just brutal. It doesn’t look cool, it doesn’t look hip, and it sure as hell doesn’t look hot. What it does look like is that Jenny wandered into a community theater mash-up production of Cats and The Lion King. This is a bad, bad look for someone as big-time as her.
2. Dancing With Janet
Here’s the thing. I’m sure J-Lo and Janet Jackson are still tight to this day. Janet, after all, gave her a nice break as a backup dancer on her tour after In Living Color had wrapped. The rest is, as they say, history. Once Jennifer parlayed her relative fame into the film role of Selena (the murdered singer) she probably never looked back. Especially at being just another one of the dancers behind Janet. Janet was the female pop superstar of her time. She was instrumental in bringing a particular kind of chick-pop to the forefront of music and J-Lo, Beyoncé, Britney and all the rest have her to thank for that. Do you think that nowadays J-Lo wants to acknowledge that Janet was the master and the rest of them were the pupils at her feet? Probably not. I don’t think she holds it against Janet. She just doesn’t want to hear it.
1. Tommy Mottola!
I bet right now you’re asking yourself again “who?” Maybe the name sounds vaguely familiar, maybe it doesn’t. Tommy is a monster big-shot in the recording industry, the guy who discovered Hall & Oates (I know, I know, that doesn’t seem like a big deal nowadays but back in the ‘90s those two were the Man). He also discovered or mentored Carly Simon, John Cougar, Diana Ross, and Mariah Carey. Oh yeah, he was also the head of Sony Music and Columbia Records for almost twenty years. So whether you and I have heard of him or not, he’s a big deal. Apparently Tommy also has a thing for his talent. He was once married to Mariah (the divorce wasn’t, isn’t and never will be pretty), and is now married to some singer named Thalia. He also dated J-Lo while she was in-between husbands and he was “recovering” from the intensity of being married to the greatest diva ever. This all went down in 1998 but look at this guy- I’m sure J-Lo would rather not be reminded of this fling.