Whether you watch tennis or not, you know that Maria Sharapova is hot, and the next few weeks will be some of the most intense days of her life. First there’s a personal milestone, as she turns thirty on April 19th. Then shortly after, on April 26th, her suspension from professional tennis will be lifted. Five-time Grand Slam champion, Sharapova, is one of the most talented players in the history of tennis, and she can’t wait to get back to work.
In March 2016, Sharapova was suspended for failing a drug test. She tested positive for meldonium, a cardiovascular drug that she had been taking for years, and which was recently added to the banned substances list. Opinions about the subject have been scathing. Some have called Sharapova a liar and a cheat, and that all 35 of her titles should be stripped. Even those who believed Maria’s claims of obliviousness have called the athlete an idiot for not paying closer attention to the latest drug updates. After a later ruling determined that her doping was unintentional, Maria’s suspension was reduced, and she’ll be back in time to play the French Open, which has pissed off her closest competition even more.
The fact is that most of her peers aren’t very close to Maria at all. Fellow tennis champ Dominika Cibulková has called her, “a totally unlikeable person; arrogant, conceited, and cold.” Tennis legend Chris Evert said that Maria has, “always isolated herself from the rest of the tennis world, from the players.” So what’s the big deal? Are the haters just jealous of her unstoppable athleticism and breathtaking beauty? How bad can she really be? Well, check out this crazy list, and judge for yourself.
15. The Wedge
So those tennis outfits are pretty sexy, right? The skirts flip and flap around and get sweaty, yet they stay breathable and non constricting. But these miracle fabrics are not without fault, and oftentimes they have been known to ride up. You can ignore it to a certain point, but once it really gets up there, forget it. Action must be taken. Nobody wants to see a picture of themselves pulling out a wedge. Here is a professional athlete, busting her a** in an altered ballerina tutu, so of course this is going to happen. She probably doesn’t even realize that she’s doing it. Even at the beach. Bikinis, tennis clothes, it’s all the same. Maria has been playing tennis since she was four years old. Her dad was friends with tennis champ, Yevgeny Kafelnikov’s dad. By age six she was playing tennis meets in Moscow, and by seven she had moved on to coaching in the USA. This girl has lived and breathed tennis her entire life. And so must come wedgies.
14. Banana Eating
Guys are very immature. I don’t know why, but most of us never seem to grow up. When we’re in grade school we can’t stop laughing about farts and when we’re in high school we can’t stop laughing about sex. And we never give up either of those jokes throughout our lives. The dumbest topics are always there in our psyche just bubbling underneath the surface, waiting to be acknowledged. So whatever you do, don’t show us an image of a beautiful young blonde eating a banana. We would have thought the same thing if it were a popsicle, or a sausage. Maybe even a carrot or a pickle, depending on the body posturing. Of course we laugh, but there is also a carnal urge that gets simulated here, and our minds instinctively photoshop. Dudes are so basic, right?
13. The Annoying Ex
Oh, lord, not that dude from The Voice. Everybody knows Adam Levine, and it’s a pretty even split of those who like him and those who hate him. He has that falsetto thing that is so popular lately, which the girls seem to enjoy, while guys like me just can’t grasp the appeal. Levine is married now, but Maria is currently single. Back when Levine was single he wasted no time in courting Maria. Allegedly, he took the girl home on her eighteenth birthday. Maria is 29 today, so this was a while back, during the rise of Levine’s band Maroon 5. Now his career has been reduced to reality TV, but the hits still manage to come. Who else has Maria dated? Well, there are rumors that she went out with Tiger Woods, and Novak Djokovic. Her more serious suitors have included Lakers player Sasha Vujacic, Britney’s ex Charlie Ebersol, Andy Roddick, and one female celebrity, to be named later…
12. The Giant
Have we mentioned how tall this woman is? No girl wants to look like a goliath in a pic, especially when she’s standing next to a boxing champion. Floyd Mayweather is actually a pretty normal sized dude, if not slightly below average in size, standing at 5’8’’. However, Maria looks like a freaking giant standing next to this guy. She is 6’2, nearly 6’3’’. So she naturally got her height from her parents, right? Some skeptics argue that performance enhancing drugs, taken in her formative years, may have influenced her size, since her parents are only 5’7’’ and 5’11.’’ Another more far-fetched reason behind her height would be radiation. The Chernobyl disaster occurred in 1986. Maria was born nearby, less than a year after the factory exploded, and fallout from the meltdown was the reason why the family left the area.
11. The Ultimate Tennis Candid
There are hundreds, if not thousands, and millions of upskirt photos of tennis players online. It is truly amazing, and somewhat disturbing. Why do these images keep getting posted when there are millions there already? There is an unquenchable desire for these pictures, for some reason, and I’m guessing most of the dudes who are looking have never played or watched one entire tennis match in their lifetime. Maria, of course, is on the top of the upskirt trend. There are probably a million awkward still shots just of her. There’re the ones that look down her shirt, the ones with an exposed butt cheek, and every other anatomical piece you can think of. We looked at quite a few of these images and decided on this shot, because it’s definitely one that Maria does not want you to see. She looks absolutely awful, sweaty, uncomfortable, and caught in a moment of most extreme awkwardness. And it looks like she may miss the ball.
10. Drunken Karaoke
This is a hilarious shot of the beautiful Russian tennis star having a good old time with male tennis champ and rumored fling, Novak Djokovic. How many beers do you have before you get onstage and do karaoke? Personally, I have to be totally wasted before even considering picking up the mic. And what song do you choose? Well, here’s my advice on that topic. Pick an artist that cannot sing. The obvious one is Dylan, who can’t sing, but he has too many lyrics, and you’ll get lost trying to read the teleprompter. Try going with some Lou Reed, or the Violent Femmes. Those are both crowd pleasers with a reasonable tempo and no high notes. I’m guessing that Maria and Novak did something a little more pop. Maybe some Ed Sheeran, or Taylor Swift. Let’s just hope they’re not singing “Don’t Stop Believin'”. That one always gets murdered on karaoke night.
9. Creeper Photo Bomb
This one is kind of funny because of the guy in the background. Maria doesn’t want you to see a pic of some dude staring right at her behind. She has to know that dudes stare, but seeing the actual proof is another story. Maria had always demanded a ton of attention on the court, and if it’s not for her hot bod, it’s for her volume. This girl can grunt with the best of them. The shot here is an example of what she looks like mid-grunt. The woman is intense. With that much intensity and eagerness to vocalize, most dudes can imagine what the girl is like in bed. Perhaps she’s the type of girl you bring home late, and she ends up waking up your roommates.
8. The Glare
Maria looks so hot in this picture, there’s no doubt about that. Her legs are long and toned, and her rear end looks perfectly proportioned. But take a look at the poor girl’s face. I bet this image pisses Maria off. Here she is looking hot as hell, and she has this weird spotlight on her face. Is somebody taking a mirror and purposely trying to make her mad? Get the glare out of her eyes, man! How hot would this picture have been if the damn photographer would have done his job correctly and tested the light levels for his shoot? How unprofessional. Maria doesn’t want us to see this shot, it’s an embarrassment.
7. The Talentless Twin
Here is a shot of a smoking hot blonde Russian tennis player who likes to date pop singers. Oh wait, it’s not Maria Sharapova? No? Sorry, it’s Anna Kournikova. I get those two mixed up all the time. This is why Maria doesn’t want us to see this pic. Everybody gets these two women mixed up. Well, not everybody, but there are a lot of idiots out there, so I’m thinking there are thousands of people who don’t know the difference. And what makes Maria even madder is the fact that Kournikova sucks. She can’t play tennis at all. She’s terrible. She won the Australian Open once. That’s about it. And just because she’s hot, blonde and Russian, she’s getting mixed up with a true champion like Maria. I bet Maria hates this lousy athlete so much.
6. Awkward Time
Here is one of the most awkward photographs I have ever seen. Nobody would be proud of this shot. It’s one of those old jokes, like if you looked up the word awkward in the dictionary. How else can this photo be described? The other woman is Serena Williams, and Maria is one of her greatest threats besides her own sister Venus Williams. Threats in popularity that is, because Serena has actually dominated Maria on the court, 15 to 2. The tennis playing Williams sisters have been playing since they were kids in Compton, CA. Then, their talent was recognized and the family moved to Florida to be coached under Rick Macci. Guess who else was coached by Mr. Macci? You guessed it, Maria Sharapova. These women have known each other for a while, which makes the awkwardness even more awkward.
5. The Girlfriend
Did you guys know that Maria had a girlfriend? That’s no big deal to most reasonable and intelligent people nowadays, but we must remember, Maria is Russian. Russia has one of the most homophobic societies in the world. Maria might not like it if some relatives back home heard about this, which is probably why we couldn’t find any PDA pics of the couple. Maria wants to keep her relationship private for some reason. So who is that hot brunette by her side? Camilla Belle is best known for The Ballad of Jack and Rose, when she played Daniel Day-Lewis’s daughter. She hasn’t really been up to that much lately, unless you count Sundown, the 2016 spring break flick a la American Pie. Camilla and Maria dated in 2010, and some rumors insist that Maria’s ex fiancé, Sasha Vujacic, was just a beard to hide her true lesbian identity.
4. Hearting The Sun
Okay, plain and simple, this is the corniest pic I’ve ever seen. What in the world was the photographer thinking? Maria doesn’t want anybody to see this. Whose idea was this? It’s not just a random selfie either, it appears to be a professionally photographed image. That’s the problem with being famous. When normal people hire a photographer to take their picture for a wedding, or a family reunion, or whatever, there are many shots that are plain awful and they are quickly dismissed and forgotten forever. Not so easy when fame comes into the picture. Now you have millions of people who love everything you do, and their love blinds them from noticing how truly corny an image can be. Maria is a reported lover of art, so she must hate this shot and is probably quite embarrassed by it.
3. Fart Footage
Everybody has to pass gas now and then, it’s a fact of life. Some people choose to do it in the privacy of the bathroom, but other folks don’t want to bother sitting in there all day, so they just fart whenever and wherever they please. Most guys would agree that it feels very uncomfortable to hold in your gas for too long, and could very well be a detriment to your health. Now as far as Maria is concerned, it seems as though she lets them rip. There are multiple YouTube videos online, and whether it’s an amateur type of post, or a press conference, loud flatulence can clearly be heard. Now, obviously it’s quite easy to dub in some fart noises, and some videos are more fake than others, but how did this whole idea begin? Maria must have farted for real in front of a ton of people at some point.
2. No Makeup
Here’s a pic that zero females in the entire world want anybody to see. It’s the dreaded no makeup shot. We had to do it, but it’s not really that bad, is it? You can see she’s not just a makeup beauty. She has pretty green eyes, nice teeth, and the cutest little nose. She seems to have some acne flaring up, but that’s just because of the steroids. Just joking, Maria! No, the drug she was busted for is a cardio drug, which was designed to help blood flow through arteries in the heart. Maria claimed she was on the drug because it was prescribed by her doctor, to combat the heart disease and diabetes in her family history, combined with her professional exercise regime. It sounds like a reasonable claim, right? Most tennis players did NOT think so.
1. The Outie
Ooh, this looks like a pretty hot photo! Maria is looking fantastic on the beach, in a little white bikini with tiny pink polka dots. Her face is svelte, with hot red lips. Her arms are the perfect shape and position, framing her breasts. Her hips are seductively tipped to one side, and her waist– oh my god! Is that belly button an outie?! No, wait, it isn’t. Yes it is. Which is it? What is up with that thing? Is it just a super shallow normal navel? What is going on here? Okay, you guessed it, we just wanted to find an excuse to include another super sexy image of Maria. Either that or somebody has a serious belly button fetish. Don’t feel bad, Maria. Alyssa Milano, Kate Moss and Emily Ratajkowski have weird navels too.