She just seems so bloody perfect, doesn’t she? She’s everyone best “Friend” isn’t she? She’s always looking good, never sparking drama, and intent on never showing her true age.
Well here’s the thing: Jennifer Aniston, so it would seem, must have one of the best public relations managers on the face of the Earth. It has been a world of trouble, attempting to discover the nitty gritty that Aniston just does not want others to see. But discovery has most certainly been made.
One might consider her to be the Mary Poppins of the day: “practically perfect in every way”. But she is far from perfect, she certainly does’t get along with everybody, she is not always the looker everyone seems to think she is, she has sparked her fair share of drama, and age can never truly be shied away from.
So here are some photos that Aniston may not wish people to recall, and some stories that she may wish to deny. And while some of the stories may turn out not to be true after all, the continued propagating of these stories is certainly something she’d not want touted about. So let’s dig in.
15. Pregnant And Alone
Rumours flew, before Jennifer and Justin finally got hitched. The story was that, this aging but still beautiful woman was expecting (due to photos with some added paunch). Now, Jennifer seems to have a difficult time finding guys who don’t also want to chase whatever tail they see wandering about Hollywood, and thanks to that, Justin was caught out having a bit if a fling. Many may wonder why this would happen when he’s already nailing this forty-something who looks like an early thirty-something. Well many of the excuses were based in the idea that Aniston was pregnant, and Justin, like every other responsible Hollywood hookup, just didn’t want to have anything to do with that. Realistically, it would seem, given the false alarm on that pregnancy scare, it was simply because Justin didn’t like the extra padding Aniston was packing. Either way, tabloids are a horrible way to discover facts (because they don’t have any), but make an easy road to embarrassment. The notion that Aniston plays to the old “I’m knocked up, so marry me” type, seems a little outdated. Sure, it still exists, but even she is not that dependent on tradition, and total scumbags like Justin Theroux… though they are married now, so who knows?
If there was once a Branjelina, then there must have been a Brennifer, right? Because it seems fairly obvious that Brad would always come first in these relationships. While Angelina Jolie was getting nastily sweated on in limos by Billy Bob Thornton, Jennifer Aniston was taking on the stud of Hollywood, Brad Pitt. For five years they were married. This lavish couple had a whopping one million dollar Malibu wedding, because that’s how much celebrities can spend on events they will rather quickly cease to care about. In addition to the expensive wedding, they bought a near two million dollar mansion to go with it. Of course, actors being the way they are, can’t seem to just settle; they’re always falling in love on set. So Brad, while playing a husband who is trying to assassinate his wife, who is trying to assassinate him, fell in love with his co-star, Angelina Jolie (who has since filed for divorce— maybe he found another starlet to romp with). So all those millions of dollars, all those award show appearances, and all those mushy moments caught by the paparazzi, brought low, in an instant, all thanks to Mr. Smith not being able to keep his pistol in his pants.
13. Veiny And Shrivelled
She may have had some work done to her face (that certainly took better than her former Friends co-star, Courtney Cox), but the body always finds a way to prove one’s age. Kind of like counting rings on a tree. Instead though, here are very prominent veins, popping from clearly squished feet. Three explanations come to the forefront here. Such prominence of the veins makes one wonder if a needle hadn’t found its way between those toes here and there. But given that Aniston is not entirely erratic, nor ever seemingly strung out, perhaps that’s just mean to suggest. Given the wrinkles at the start of her toes, and being aware of just how the human foot is actually meant to be shaped, the intense veins could simply be the strain of her feet being squished into shoes that are too small, and misshapen. Lastly, and one would say the most likely, is that Jennifer Aniston is just getting old. As already said, the facial work does seem to cover quite a bit, and as readers will see further down the list, makeup is a big part of this process as well. Even celebrities are mortal though, and this blue-eyed bombshell will have to come to grips with that eventually, lest she become like the hideous ghost of Courtney Cox past.
12. Colour Me Surprised
Before even getting to the crux of this ridiculously explosive photo, do take some time to focus on the facial expression of Jennifer Aniston here. Her look of surprise seems to be more akin to having been hit on the head (rather hard) at a young age. That, or she’s doing one hell of an impression of a doughnut. That aside, the proposed primary, and embarrassing point of this photo is the satin Celine blazer Aniston is wearing (never mind the Brandon Maxwell jumpsuit). First off, this satin blazer was put on to help her “brave the Winter weather”. However, anyone who knows anything about satin should know that as absolutely masterful a material it is… it does not belong in a Winter outerwear wardrobe. In no way, shape, or form. In addition to not knowing quite how to dress herself seasonally, Aniston seemed to forget something on the blazer. Tossing the coat on, in public, the paparazzi were all over the very visible tags, still attached. If anyone cares to know, Aniston is a European size 36. That means nothing to this author, truly, but for the fact that she is certainly no Hollywood size 1 (and isn’t that the repulsive celebrity ideal?).
11. Surprise Surprise
This headline is a fraud… of sorts. It is not true that Aniston and Theroux had split after only twenty one days of marriage. It is seemingly true that they have been on the rocks since their honeymoon though. “Now Jen has told friends that she and Justin were already on a break that was not of her choosing. Jen thought finally having that commitment would change Justin for the better, and get him to hunker down and make her— and their life together— a priority. It’s not working out that way. She’s told a few of her close pals that she feels like Justin dumped her. She can’t even fake the happiness anymore. Jen is wondering if she made the biggest mistake of her life by marrying Justin, but she’s still vowed to go through the adoption.” This alleged insider seems to suggest that the couple had been on a break leading up to the wedding, which makes one wonder why the hell they’d bother to go through with it to begin with. And since the wedding, the couple has been seen attempting to shun photos; not overwhelmingly happy as they once had been. And now that Brad is on the market again… this could be gearing up to be one of the most embarrassing stories for poor Aniston.
10. Before She Was Hot
Growing up in the seventies and eighties, the style of the outfits could heavily play a part on the attraction one might find from the above photos… or perhaps the lack of attraction. To be fair, really getting into what’s hot and what’s not about these two photos might be a bit creepy, given the years these photos were likely taken. So given that, this analysis shall be kept relatively plain. The grunge plaid shirts of the eighties, typically tossed over a white Tee, would play much better if Aniston knew just what to do with her hair back then. A bit more of a Cobain (pre-shotgun) might complete that look a little more effectively. The hair is a point of contention in the formal photo as well. The sad attempt at what can only be described as the ‘Molly Ringwald’, is unfortunate to say the least. It might be embarrassing for her to point out that at one point, it appears, Aniston was no trend setter, but once a happy lemming jumping out into the expanse of conformity like so many others.
9. It’s Not Real – It’s A Tabloid
“For the record, I am not pregnant. What I am is fed up,” said Aniston, regarding allegations that she was, again, pregnant. “I’m fed up with the sport-like scrutiny and body shaming that occurs daily under the guise of ‘journalism,’ the ‘First Amendment’ and ‘celebrity news.'” Boy it’s a good thing this is only a brief taste of celebrity news. Otherwise this author might feel insulted. Jennifer is right that obsession with celebrity is ridiculous, but it doesn’t help when celebrities want the press there for when they do something right for a change, and want to dismiss them when something bad happens. Stare at the cake all day, or just eat it, and get an occasional tabloid suggesting pregnancy. Or just stay out of the spotlight like Johnny Depp does. “The sheer amount of resources being spent right now by press trying to simply uncover whether or not I am pregnant (for the bajillionth time… but who’s counting) points to the perpetuation of this notion that women are somehow incomplete, unsuccessful, or unhappy if they’re not married with children.” Aniston seems to be mixing up personal obsession with her celebrity, and feminism into one big mess. In all honesty, feminism is far more important than anything to with Jennifer Aniston’s shallow bit of tabloid life.
8. Wedged In Place
Well there are no real words needed for this embarrassing moment. But all the same, here are some words: At first glance, one might assume that Aniston just has the biggest wedgey in the history of thin, Hollywood stardom, but the reality is likely deeper than that (pun intended). Wanting a nice even tan for when she wants to sport a skimpier bikini, it seems likely that Aniston forced that wedgey up there herself. An even tan is important, especially when one is constantly under the scrutiny of the masses. That being said, she has certainly found herself under pretty incredible scrutiny all the same. However, whilst she’s bent over, Jennifer Aniston has certainly nothing to be ashamed of: a view the horrible photographer who captured the moment must hold dear. When she gets up though, and starts to pick out the self-imposed wedge, one gets a different view. The view is certainly less attractive, as well as accompanied by a little more meat than one might have previously assumed there to be. All told, Aniston certainly has nothing to be ashamed of, but that won’t stop her from feeling that way.
7. So Many Rumours…
Oh Aniston, after all of this time, people thinking that it was all Brad’s fault for the marriage falling apart… not so many took stock in the idea that you were to blame as well. It seems that Friends co-star, Matt LeBlanc may have been a part of the great divide (not a reference to Aniston’s legs). This wouldn’t be the first time LeBlanc was in the shit for fooling around with co-stars. There is even a rumour that he had been fooling around with Courtney Cox. One wonders if Lisa Kudrow ever gave him the time of day. Regardless, given how intent Aniston is with condemning celebrity news as an attack on feminism; the notion that she could have been partially at fault for the fall of the “perfect couple” by cheating on Pitt with LeBlanc, must make her furious. If only there was a way to be a successful Hollywood star, and stay out of the ridiculous celebrity news. As it happens, there is a way. She already has fantastic PR, keeping her out of a lot of embarrassing situations (or at least suppressing them greatly). All she needs now is to ignore what people say. She’s rich, beautiful, independent, and funny. Why should she care about the stupidity of the plebes?
6. A Bit Of A Jog
Of course the first typical thing to say here is that she needs the jog, especially given the look on her face. The reality of the situation here is that Aniston is taking it upon herself to stay fit, and no amount of makeup or determination can really make one look sexy when going for a jog in earnest. Bay Watch has given the masses a false sense of what a celebrity should run like. First off, Aniston’s chest is not as hefty as Pamela Anderson‘s. Secondly, she’s actually working out, and not playing to the camera. And thirdly, when one is huffing and puffing away, it’s hard to make that look flattering. That being said, given her strong dislike of celebrity news and the paparazzi, this photo would certainly fall into the category of moments Jennifer Aniston would not like people to see. What she seems to miss about celebrity news, is that it ultimately has nothing to do with her as a person. The masses see a celebrity being real and going out for a jog (that’s inspiring to them to know that she’s just a regular Joe, er, Jane). On the other hand, they see a celebrity in an unflattering manner (and that’s inspiring to them because she can look just as ugly as the rest). It’s not a personal thing about Aniston: it’s a personal projection from the masses who seem to give a shit about celebrities.
5. This Hair
Well, besides the photographer(s) in this instance having had a bad day, it is pretty clear that Jennifer Aniston’s hair was having quite the bad day as well. Perhaps a surprisingly bright-eyed walk of shame? The dress she’s wearing does seem like it would work for a reckless night out. So it makes perfect sense that she’s just rocking the same outfit from the night before. One can’t truly tell if her eyes are bleary (given the poor work of the photographer), but the left photo does seem to suggest a little bit of a morning perk (naughty girl). The right photo seems to indicate a bit of a crash, or come-down from the boost. If not from a romping night out, then one might suggest that a rat had taken up residence in those tangled, and matted locks, and decided Aniston’s hair would make an exceptional nest. It’s almost as if Jennifer based her look on the best/worst nights out of Diana Krall and Natasha Leggero, respectively.
4. Coming Of Age
Looking damn good for a forty-seven-year-old, these above photos really do begin to show the reality of moving on up in years. Clearly made up in the one photo, one can make comparisons to both profiles and see just where, and how deep the blemishes and spots are covered and filled. One can also see the puff, and sag of her cheeks by her chin, as well as her manufactured nose. The lines and the rare, long, white hair really does betray her age. What is crazy though is the way in which she easily pulls off a woman in her early thirties when she decks herself out for a night on the town. One would say an awards show would be a perfect opportunity to go for that overwhelmingly young look, but apparently the makeup above is all that can be done now to hide the truth, even at award shows. Though perhaps not the right glasses for her face, Jennifer Aniston could really pull off a hot librarian look.
3. Cosmetics: Makeup, Surgery, And Photoshop
It is absolutely amazing what the wide world of cosmetics can offer a person, in order to make one look more “practically perfect in every way”. The above photos show just what a difference can be made when one is no longer comfortable looking like themselves. Makeup, to create that orange glow too many people seem to find attractive. Surgery, to fix that nose one’s agent said needed fixing, or one too many tabloids mentioned in a negative light. Photoshop to smooth the evidence of age and cease to celebrate the reality of the human being. The fact that most readers here will tend to like the photo on the left more than the one on the right, should be an embarrassing fact for not just Aniston, but the readership as well. People age, get wrinkles, pop zits, end up with scars, lose teeth, get matted and tangled hair, have chapped lips, and either shine because of the oil of one’s skin, or flake because of the lack of oil. This is reality, and shame to those who don’t appreciate it. It’s all people truly have at the end of the day. For one so hung up on hating what the media thinks, Aniston should maybe take a look at how much she cares about the same, superficial garbage. She should be embarrassed for caring so much about what everyone else thinks.
2. Can Trump The Frump
This author feels uneasy using the word ‘trump’ these days, given the sad state of affairs in America now (and perhaps for four years to come). However, the rhyme was requisite. One might like to make the point that Jennifer Aniston should in no way feel embarrassed about wandering around with little-to-no makeup, no fancy hairstyle to speak of, and in a rather unflattering and frumpy sweater. She really should not be embarrassed. However, given her flip-flopping stance on how her image matters in the media, she would likely be embarrassed. “The message that girls are not pretty unless they’re incredibly thin, that they’re not worthy of our attention unless they look like a supermodel or an actress on the cover of a magazine is something we’re all willingly buying into.” To be fair, Aniston is trying to overcome this stigma, but her constant railing about it is also testament to her continued insecurities. “Here’s where I come out on this topic: we are complete with or without a mate, with or without a child. We get to decide for ourselves what is beautiful when it comes to our bodies,” she concluded. “We get to determine our own ‘happily ever after’ for ourselves.” Here’s hoping she’s right.
1. Adannifer? Sandiston?
No, there’s nothing to suggest that these two in any way (in the words of the late Chris Farley) “Got – it – on!”, but the fact that Aniston was somehow finagled into a situation through which she acted in a film with the no longer funny comedian, Adam Sandler, is actually kind of funny. Add to that the photo above where Sandler makes for his crotch whilst making an interestingly predatory face… not to mention the seeming wish on Aniston’s face that it all soon be over… well there are many interesting stories that could come from a photo like this. She was still all kisses with Justin Theroux at this point, but that did not stop her from laying a heavy one on then co-star and anti-comedian, Adam Sandler. Funnily enough, the photo of these two kissing, had it been in higher definition, would have been perfect to show here. It is easy to find however. Just look for the photo that has Sandler timidly reaching out to Aniston’s arms and Aniston herself clutches Sandler by the face to jam her lips against his. Whether or not there’s anything going on there (and to quell the rumour mill, this author is sure there is nothing), the above photo, as well as several of the other shots of that day she got her Hollywood star on the Boulevard, are certainly suspect, and more than embarrassing.