Who doesn’t love a good video game? I think since the invention of video games, people have probably spent at least 25% of their lives sitting in front of a television screen with a controller in their laps or a console in hand. From Pong to the Nintendo Switch, video games have brought joy to all who play them. Pick your favorite character and begin an adventure, or turn on your game system and defeat the enemy. Whichever way you play, it’s fun and even relaxing at times. Except when the game cheats and it just makes you angry.
Some of our video games involve saving the day or completing some type of task. You can usually do it alone, but a lot of the time you might need help. This is where sidekicks come in! Sidekicks can either take the fall for you, make you stronger, or sometimes just get in the way. Want to know what’s worse than a sidekick getting in the way? Them talking and talking until you just want to throw your controller through the TV to hit them in the face. But since we can’t do that, because who wants a broken TV, we just turn the game off and go read a book or something to cool off until you can stand to be around them again.
We’ve come up with a list of 15 of the most annoying, useless, worthless sidekicks that just make your skin crawl and make you want to yell at your dog when he’s done nothing wrong. Yes, they’re that bad.
So you know how in Mario, Toad is usually Peach’s keeper? How is it that she ALWAYS gets taken? Is he secretly working with Bowser? Because every time Bowser comes, Peach goes. But remember back during the old Mario days when Toad could sneak past all of Bowser’s troops to the end of the level to tell you that the Princess isn’t there. Like… what?! He’s supposed to be guarding her, but he makes it ALL the way through the level to tell you that she’s gone? I think it’s a setup. He has to be like Bowser’s distant cousin or something. It just doesn’t make sense!
Granted, more recently Toad doesn’t suck as much but he’s still pretty useless. Yeah, he’s fast but he’s also afraid of like everything. He hides almost all the time, and can’t even grow bigger if he eats a mushroom. He’s just there most of the time. Not protecting the Princess, but he’s surely quick to tell you that she’s gone.
14. Donald And Goofy
In the Kingdom Hearts HD games, Sora is partnered with Donald Duck and Goofy… I’m not sure if Goofy has a last name. Anywho, these two loveable Disney characters tag along for the journey but they prove to be not so loveable after all. They die quick and if you’re dying, they don’t jump in to save you. First Donald dies, and then Goofy because he’s just a little bit stronger. They’re also not really independent, so they’re always by your side, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing.
The one thing they’re good for is getting beat up. If the enemy is focused on them, they’re not as focused on you. But one or two hits and it’s KO for them. Also, they seem to die at the most important times. Like right when you’re about to kill an enemy, they die when you need them the most. They are Disney characters after all, maybe that explains it.
So Daxter is Jak’s best friend. Best friends are supposed to have each other’s backs, right? According to Daxter, no. That’s completely wrong. He doesn’t have Jak’s back. He actually doesn’t do anything. He’s a comedic relief, which is only funny if, you know, he’s not dying. Daxter just sits on Jak’s shoulder, even when he’s fighting. Jak is literally getting his butt whooped and Daxter is sitting on his shoulder. There may be one moment in the entire series where he helps and saves Jak, but only once out of like a million times.
Sometimes, Daxter even gets Jak into trouble and you know who has to save the day? Not Daxter, that’s who. This little otter, weasel, squirrel thing is just the most annoying and useless sidekick ever. Yeah, he jokes a lot and sometimes it’s even a little funny but even when Jak dies, his stupid jokes are just so… stupid! “I’ll avenge you…not!” Who says that to a friend?!
In Pokémon Yellow, Pikachu starts out pretty amazing. Who doesn’t love Pikachu? He’s cute and yellow and the electric thing is just the coolest. But as the game progresses and the other Pokémon begin to evolve, Pikachu doesn’t. If you tried to evolve him, he’d slap the stone away. Bad Pikachu!
It’s like the more the game goes on, the more you start to realize… hmm… Pikachu isn’t really that great compared to the alternative electric Pokémon like Electobuzz and Jolteon. Especially when fighting the Elite Four, he kind of super sucks. His defense is low so it doesn’t take much effort to take him down and his offense is good, but not great. Yeah, we get it. Pokémon Yellow, it’s kind of like you HAVE to get Pikachu because of the yellow thing but you don’t really have to if you don’t want to. It’s cool that he walks with you though instead living in his cozy Pokeball like everyone else. Oh, and his Surf move is pretty cool too.
11. Justice Young
One of the newer popular games is NBA 2K. In the more recent games, there’s been a story mode added where you actually have friends and family, and live an actual life while in the NBA. In 2K17’s MyCareer mode, we meet Pres’ best friend Justice Young. Young, played by actor Michael B. Jordan, is a great player but a sucky sidekick. He’s a ball hog, first and foremost. You practically have to beg him to pass the ball. His cocky attitude makes you feel like you’re in his MyCareer mode. Plus, he shows up at your gym all day, everyday, like, ugh. Go home, Justice! I just want to be alone!
Like I said, this isn’t about how he’s not a good player, he’s probably the best player in the entire game. His ranking is super high from the get go. He’s like LeBron Curry, he’s THAT good. But as a sidekick, he sucks. It’s MyCareer, not JusticeCareer. Ball hog.
Honestly, of all the characters in the Mario world I think Yoshi might be my favorite and I really don’t even know why because he kind of sucks. Yeah, he can flutter jump really high and in the older Mario games he could eat stuff that would give him special powers but I feel like they dropped the ball with Yoshi in later Mario games, especially Mario Run. Granted, the name of the game is Mario Run and not Yoshi Run but like come on. For Yoshi fans all over, this is so subpar.
Remember when Yoshi was one of your favorite characters. He had like six different options you could choose from. Pink, blue, yellow, and other colors; yes, I know they have names but that’s not important right now. Yoshi has been used less and less and creators of Mario games just decided to render him worthless and useless making him one of our least favorite characters. You used to be able to ride on his back, and eat, like, everything. Now he just… exists.
“Hey, listen” “Hey, hey” “Listen” LEAVE ME ALONE NAVI! Navi, the little annoying fairy, is just that in The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time. She gives you the most obvious advice and it’s like you just want to run away from her or maybe even punt her across the room. She does help with Z-targeting though, and I guess she tries to help you stay on track when you decide to go off and do things that aren’t a part of the task at hand.
Besides her being super annoying, she kind of just floats along side you, more like an annoying, younger sibling than an actual sidekick. She talks A LOT and it’s usually things you already know. Plus, when she does talk her text is super slow and you can’t make it go any faster. It’s like they want you to throw the controller on purpose. Navi’s probably useful 1 out of 10 times. She’s there to help, but if I see a big, suspicious ruby I don’t need her to say “hey, there’s a big, suspicious ruby.” Thanks, Captain Obvious.
8. Little Sisters
If you’re any type of gamer, you’ve played Bioshock. If you’ve played Bioshock, then you know all about the big daddies and little sisters. In Bioshock 2 you play as Subject Delta, one of the first big daddies in the Bioshock universe. You’re accompanied by Little Sisters throughout your journey who, well, collect ADAM and… that’s about it. They don’t have any cool powers, they virtually serve no helpful purpose to our hero throughout his journey.
If the hero dies in the journey, while trying to protect the little sister I might add, the Little Sister will find a new Big Daddy to leech onto for protection and collect ADAM from the corpses scattered throughout Rapture. Thanks for the loyalty little sisters. That’s why when given the choice to save or harvest them, HARVEST, HARVEST, HARVEST! Maybe you end up with more ADAM in the long run by saving them, but at this point we’re just like… we’re good. Bye bye, little sisters.
Sonic the Hedgehog is probably one of everyones’s favorite video game characters of the 90s. One of Sonic’s best friends is Tails. In the beginning, Tails was kind of cool. He would help when he could, but he was no Sonic, which is okay too. But as time progressed, his character just started to get more and more useless. First off, he’s super slow especially compared to Sonic who is super fast with superSONIC speed. Get it?
When Tails is on his own, it’s somewhat bearable. When you’re playing with Tails as player 2 to Sonic, he literally only exists as a backup that makes Sonic look even better than he is. You know when you’re playing video games and your younger sibling is all like “I wanna play?” You give them the controller and pick Tails. He doesn’t die, so they feel like they’re helping but in realty, you’re just keeping them from messing you up.
As far as useless characters go, Yorda is at least top three. In the game ICO, Yorda is a helpless, useless damsel in distress that Ico has to protect at all costs. Ico is her knight in shining armor, so to speak. Ico can run, jump, climb, attack, and all that good stuff but Yorda can jump short distances and she isn’t the fastest unless you literally pull her by her hand. She’s important because she can open doors that Ico can’t. She isn’t important because that’s the only thing that she can do.
Throughout the castle, there are different obstacles and monsters that Ico must attack and keep away from Yorda because Yorda can’t defend herself. She also speaks a foreign language, so there’s no way to understand what she’s saying. Oh, and if she dies it’s game over and you have to start from the last checkpoint. That’s always fun
5. PJ Berri
If you don’t remember PaRappa the Rappa, you’re just too young. PaRappa was a rapping dog that always had to believe when he got into tough situations. PaRappa had a few friends in his ensemble, but in this case we’re talking about his best friend PJ Berri. PJ Berri is a dope. He thinks about food 99% of the time and he’s just there. When I say he’s just there, I mean he’s just there. PaRappa is off saving the day and PJ Berri is somewhere sleeping. He sleeps during the day so he can DJ parties at night after PaRappa is done saving everything.
Besides him being useless, his face doesn’t change. Ever. He always looks at you with a nonchalant face and it makes you wonder if he even cares about PaRappa, or anything at all. Oh yeah, I forgot. He likes doughnuts too. Also he’s unsure if he’s naked or wearing a suit, but I don’t really think he cares either way.
The Super Smash Bros video game series is arguably one of the best games in the world. It’s played by people of all ages and it’s like there’s never a dull moment because there’s so much that you can do and so many characters you can fight and fight with. Even though the first SSB had way less characters than the latest edition, it was still unbelievably fun to play. But with every good thing comes something not so good and that not so good is Pokémon character Goldeen.
Goldeen flops and splashes. End of story. It’s been named the “dud” of the game, and it’s fitting. It comes out of the Pokeball and flops around the stage until it falls off. I don’t know whose bright idea it was to include Goldeen in all four of the Super Smash Bros games, but they need to be replaced immediately. How come no one said “dude, maybe we shouldn’t include Goldeen in the next three SSB because no one liked it in the first?” It’s like it just makes too much sense to take Goldeen out and replace it with… anything really.
3. Slippy Toad
First off, Slippy Toad is a frog. Doesn’t seem like it makes a huge difference, but it’s just right. Now that that’s out of the way, raise your hand if you think Slippy Toad just doesn’t need to exist. My hand is raised, and I hope yours is too. He’s an okay pilot, but he’s ALWAYS in trouble. I think he gets himself in trouble on purpose just so Star Fox can save him. Maybe he has a man crush on him, no problem with that except you know, there’s a lot of better things that Star Fox can be doing.
Besides him being just flat-out worthless, his voice is probably one of the most annoying voices we’ve ever heard. It’s high and pitchy and it’s like nails on a chalkboard times a million. He’s really good at fixing stuff though. He has to be, or else Star Fox would just, you know, get rid of him. Maybe if they lowered the pitch of his voice we wouldn’t hate him as much, but he’d still be pretty useless.
If you know anything about Pokémon, this one is self explanatory. I feel like the creators were just like “here, we hate you so here’s a fish that can’t do anything but splash.” Magikarp is actually a step under useless because when you have him in battle, you’re actually wasting a turn making him splash. If he’s your last Pokémon, you’re done for.
What’s good about Magikarp? NOTHING. He’s a fish out of water, and I mean that in the most literal way possible. The only time Magikarp was ever useful was in the Pokémon Stadium mini game where you had to make him jump to hit the target above his head. Fortunately, after dealing with Magikarp for a long, long 20 levels he evolves into the amazing Gyrados. It’s like how did the zero become a hero, am I right? The Pokémon creators probably got a real kick out of that one.
Like a few other characters on this list, Kazooie has a mouth on her. She’s rude to everyone, except Banjo. She’s very obnoxious and annoying, and she likes to pick fights with everyone. People don’t like her and she doesn’t like people. She is helpful though because she can do some things that Banjo can’t do, like climbing slopes and shooting eggs out of her butt. Also, they work a lot better together but only together. If Kazooie was on her own, she’d probably just sit there and complain about how she has to use her own legs to walk.
To end it all, Kazooie is lazy and mean. She doesn’t come out of the book bag unless it’s dire and necessary. How does she fit in that little backpack anyway? Plus, maybe if she were a little nicer to people, she wouldn’t be hated so much. Oh yeah, she also plays a kazoo. How fitting.
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