Being a Disney leading lady is harder than it looks. Sure you have long flowing locks and a great singing voice. Most of the time you are a princess or end up hooking up with a dude who can make you a princess, or at least that seems to be the end goal. Even if you’re lonely and leading a life of isolation, odds are that you have a magical or animal sidekick to keep you company.
Wacky companions aside, the life of a female main character in Disney movies can lead a young femme to some desperate measures to get attention, love, and affection. While Disney has made some leaps in terms of feminism and The Bechdel Test, they still have a long way to go!
Some linguists have examined the films and found that the dialogue has been skewed in the male direction, and even though the princess is often the lead cast member, it’s the male characters who get to do the majority of the speaking. This doesn’t just have to do with the times. For example, The Princess And The Frog features less female dialogue in the script than The Little Mermaid (don’t forget that Ariel lost her voice for most of the film).
No wonder they’re so obsessed with hooking up with the first (or second) person who throws more than a glance in their direction. After all the end game most of the time is marriage, kids, and happily ever after. These attention-starved beauties are thirsty for love and affection, so excuse them for pouncing on the first Eric, Hans, or Phillip they meet!
15. Briar Rose, Sleeping Beauty
Princess Aurora’s (AKA Briar Rose’s) entire life is a lie. First she thinks she’s a commoner, and second she’s spent her life living in a secluded cottage with three fairies posing as regular human aunties who are trying to protect her from a curse. She’s so lonely that she makes her woodland friend the owl pretend to be a prince so she can dance with him. When she comes across Phillip, a real prince, they lure each other further into the forest to dance and he claims that they’ve met before, “Once Upon A Dream”. Her response is essentially, “Cool, let’s dance bro”. Buddy might as well have a van that he asks her to climb into. Then they make arrangements to hook up later, but who can blame her really, ’cause what else does she have going on besides living with the Golden Girls?
14. Snow White, Snow White
“I was giving you mouth to mouth, I swear baby”. Snow White ends up marrying a dude who likes to make out with dead chicks. No, this isn’t the movie Kissed, this is Disney, and yes there are seven other dudes standing by watching. First of all, good old Walt didn’t even bother to name this prince, he’s simply “The Prince”. A likely story for a guy who has a shady past that he needs to hide. Yes this movie was from a long time ago, and while most Disney Princesses need to spend a lot more time learning about stranger danger, Snow White needs to sit down and think about what consent means, as does good old Prince No-Name. A kiss to awaken you from death, romantic, or tragically flawed, you be the judge.
13. Belle, Beauty And The Beast
Belle was often the feminist choice for favourite Disney Princess, I mean she’s currently being played by activist actor Emma Watson. She a voracious reader, she dons a sporty ponytail, and she turns down the advances of uber jock Gaston, even though he’s the most popular dude in town. This leads us to believe that she’s more evolved in terms of her independence than the other gals who leap towards the first fella they lay eyes on. Instead Belle decides to fall for the man who kidnaps her father, and then takes her in his place. While some people think that this might be pure desperation on behalf of the misguided brunette beauty, we think it’s more likely Stockholm Syndrome (when hostages begin to develop positive feelings and a psychological alliance with their kidnappers as a part of their survival strategy).
12. Tinker Bell & The Mermaids, Peter Pan
Peter Pan might as well have a man bun, rock hard abs, and be wearing a V-neck T from Abercrombie and Fitch. He’s an insensitive douche, but the ladies of Never Never Land seem cool with it. Not only are they cool with it, they’re willing to murder in the name of a little boy who never wants to grow up, because that’s attractive. A therapist should really take a visit here and help these women work out their desperation issues. Tinker Bell tells the Lost Boys that Wendy is a bird that they need to kill, because that’s healthy, and then gives them away to Captain Hook, all in the name of her precious Peter. The mermaids literally try to drown Wendy and admit this to Peter, who just shrugs while they adore him. Thirsty, or psychopathic obsession? You be the judge.
11. Cinderella, Cinderella
Becoming a servant in your own home after losing both of your parents is a raw deal. But nothing can keep Cinderella’s resilient spirit down, even if you live in an attic full of mice. When destiny calls and your Fairy Godmother hooks you up with a gown it’s no wonder you need a night out on the town to party like it’s 1999. Here’s the thing, Cinderella spends the entire night dancing with the first fella she meets, which is cool, because it means she doesn’t know or care that he’s really the prince. The flaw here lies in Mr. Charming; he must have had drunk goggles on because he literally doesn’t remember what the woman he spent the entire evening with looks like. Next he delegates the hunt for his love to a servant because he can’t be bothered to get off his royal derriere and look for good old Cindy. Wouldn’t she have at least a question or two about why he doesn’t remember her face? Could they have at least made it a masquerade ball so there’s an excuse or made reference to his debilitating face blindness?
10. Anna, Frozen
Anna hasn’t had an easy life by any stretch. Her parents died in a tragic boating accident and not only did her sister isolate herself (essentially abandoning Anna), she also shut the entire castle off from the outside world. Naturally this left Ana incredibly desperate for any human contact whatsoever. So should we really blame her for being taken in by Hans’s charms? We’re going to have to say so, at least a little bit. In the song “Love Is An Open Door” Hans sings a song with Anna about them both liking sandwiches and because of their mutual affections for a well stacked spread, she agrees to marry him. This is like hooking up with every dude you run into at Subway because you both like an assorted cold cut six inch. No wonder her older sister told her to chill out and calm down. Even when she goes out in search of her sister, she ends up falling hard for the second man she meets, sigh.
9. Wendy Darling, Peter Pan
Wendy is on the cusp of adulthood, so we know she’s confused. Her dad wants her to grow up already and stop telling stories about Peter Pan. Should we be shocked that when Peter Pan shows up at her window (typical teenage boy move) and asks her to run away with him so she can become a mother to the lost boys (cause that’s all she’s good for), that she agrees, on one condition. Yeah strange guy from the stories I made up, I’ll fly away with you, as long as we can bring my two brothers with me. We can partially blame Wendy’s naivety on her age, but really, your dad wanting to give you your own room leads you to run away with some random guy in tights? Grow up already! Wait a minute isn’t that the whole point of this?
8. Jasmine, Aladdin
When your choice is between an evil old guy, and a homeless guy (albeit one with washboard abs) who’s a phoney liar, who are you going to choose? For Jasmine, who wanted to marry for love, this choice was simple. Give her a hacky sack loving slacker over a beard stroking weirdo any day. Sure Jasmine got mad about being lied to, but she ultimately forgave him, likely because of those toned abs. Anyone who watched Friends knows that Ross (the guy with the monkey) never got the girl until he ditched his primate pal, but Jasmine is so desperate for anyone who is not selected by her out of touch daddy, she’s willing to overlook just about everything else. In modern times Aladdin is that dude who pretends to be a modelling agent so he can hook up with models guilt free, just saying.
7. Rapunzel, Tangled
Can being kidnapped by a woman bent on staying young and posing as your mother lead you towards terrible choices? In the case of Rapunzel, totally. This long haired blonde goes on a journey to discover that she is the daughter of royalty who was kidnapped a long time ago because of her legendary locks. She ends up on her journey of self-discovery along with Flynn “Eugene” Rider who is a professional criminal, and the first man Rapunzel has ever met. So desperate for any human contact she hooks up with a lying thief, who happens to have a warrant out for his arrest. I’m sure the royal family was thrilled with her life choices here. And what’s the deal with her hair turning brown the second it loses its magic? (I’m guessing that’s a topic for another article).
6. Ariel, The Little Mermaid
It makes sense that Ariel used to be a mermaid, since she’s the thirstiest lady on our list. Ariel is obsessed with humans. She has a creepy collection of human artifacts that she keeps hidden in a tomb like she’s some sort of serial killer. When she spots the first eligible bachelor she’s ever laid eyes on, she’s desperate to make him a part of her creepy collection. This princess is so determined to be with her prince that she gives up her entire family and strikes a deal with an evil sea witch just so she has a shot with this guy she saw for two minutes. When on land Ariel spends a lot of her time trying to woo Eric, even though he’s dining on her BFF’s (seafood) right in front of her face. While some may say this is romantic love at first sight action, I’d lay it leans towards a fatal attraction.
5. Lady, Lady And The Tramp
Just because Lady is a dog, it doesn’t mean she’s incapable of being a leading lady, I mean her name is Lady. When a baby comes into her house and cramps her style with her owners she’s desperate for an escape. Enter a lovable scoundrel who wins her heart. Sure, there are other dogs that she comes across on her adventure, but they’re all old and haggard, so there was really no other logical choice beyond Tramp, even though he’s homeless. If anything, Tramp puts in more effort than most Disney dudes, at least he takes her out for a nice dinner before getting her “arrested” by animal control. All works out for these two, but just the same, Lady doesn’t wait very long before Tramp puts a leash on her.
4. Maid Marian, Robin Hood
Robin Hood is such a scamp. There’s something about him that screams that he has three other side pieces running around Sherwood Forest, just the same Maid Marian loves her pants less vigilant who robs from the rich to give to the poor. We don’t really know who else came a courting before Robin, but she only has eyes for him. Who am I kidding? I can totally see what they’re talking about with this charming scoundrel. I think this was best described in The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt when she commented, “That Disney movie where Robin Hood is a fox. When you were little, did you think he was handsome and then, like, your crotch gets a headache?” “Are you kidding? That voice? And how he didn’t wear pants?!” “Mmmmmmmm.” At least Maid Marian’s friend Lady Kluck is feisty, ferocious and not afraid to stand up for her BFF, and even attacks the cowardly Prince John.
3. Giselle, Enchanted
This is another case of the switcheroo with the acts of not just one, but two thirsty ladies. First Giselle is betrothed to Prince Edward, who embodies everything that we’ve come to know of Disney Princes. Then she’s sent out of her dimension by an evil stepmother (naturally) to New York City where she learns all about the real world, and falls for the second fella she’s ever met. Sure these two take some time to get to know each other, and there’s no kidnapping here, but just the same no one is taking a year to travel Europe and find themselves. Add into this when Robert Philip’s (Patrick Dempsey) girlfriend and he realizes that things aren’t working out, mostly because princess Giselle is living with him, she gets over it at lightning speed by hooking up with a cartoon man from another dimension, giving up absolutely everything to join him in his “world”.
2. Tiana, The Princess & The Frog
I know what you’re thinking; how can Tiana be thirsty, when she isn’t even looking for love? Tiana is the first princess to have a real job, that doesn’t involve being a slave to her evil relatives, and she has life goals that don’t involve marriage. With Tiana, the frog prince is all about the sound of settling. All Tiana wants is to father her dearly departed father’s dream of opening up a restaurant, while lazy Prince Naveen is on the hunt for a wealthy woman to take care of his sorry frog self, because Naveen is incapable of adulting in any way. Tiana is disgusted by Naveen until they are both transformed into frogs, and she marries him more in a “if you were the last man (or frog) on earth” kind of way which is pretty depressing since she’s the princess with the most potential.
1. Vanellope von Schweetz, Wreck It Ralph
Vanellope isn’t the first, and certainly won’t be the last leading lady to feel lonely because of a video game. While Vanellope puts on a tough girl act, life as a video game glitch has been hard on her. She and Ralph have more of a big brother/little sister relationship than one that resembles anything romantic (particularly since Vanellope is just a kid), but it quickly becomes apparent that they need each other, badly. Vanellope almost begs Ralph to stay in her game, offering him what she sees as the world, “You could stay. You could have your own castle, where you can wreck and stink as much as you want, and no one would ever treat you badly ever again.” These two misfits aren’t thirsty for love, but they are thirsty for companionship and friendship, which they thankfully find together.
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