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16 Movies That Couldn’t Have Existed In 2017

Entertainment
16 Movies That Couldn’t Have Existed In 2017

The technology of today sure can solve a lot of problems. We have so much that we take for granted, such as Google and texting. Have you ever watched an “old” movie and wondered what it would be like if the events happened in 2017? Well, let’s take a look at a few that would definitely have lasted no more than five minutes. Usually they are shortened due to problems solved by technology, but other times, it’s simply the way we as a human race have evolved. Like how so many chauvinistic movies would not have existed if the scripts were written today. Because they would just not be okay, we can’t handle movies objectifying women, right? Yeah, we still have plenty of those, the industry has just learned how to portray them in an acceptable way. This happens far too often, no doubt.

But what I’m referring to is more like the movies that modern day technology or social standards would have shut down in minutes! The results may surprise you, and you may have movies to add. If so, please let us know, we’d love to hear your theories. Maybe you have a way for 2017 to solve the Titanic’s crash? Or maybe a way 2017 would put a tragic turn on The Godfather movies. Perhaps ruin a Disney movie for children everywhere by modernizing it. Of course we can’t touch every movie, so here are some of the best, or worst, ways that 2017 would have ended these sixteen wonderful movies.

16. Revenge Of The Nerds

Let’s start with the simple fact that nerds are cool! Sure, high school is still cliquey, but nerds are no longer the minority. In the movie, they go to college to study computer science. Back in the 80s, this was super lame. Today, it’s necessary and highly sought after. It’s cool. But in the movie, the nerds were bullied, and their frat house was burned down, which would have been investigated in 2107.

In the end, the nerds “magically” win the Greek games with their intelligence. Duh. But the whole thing is focused on how nerds are bullied and discriminated against. Aside from the fact that the definition of “nerd” has changed, the fact that they are victims is no longer a solid movie theme.

15. Home Alone

I’m home alone? Mom? Dad? Better text that useless excuse for a mother and tell her she forgot me. Kids all have phones these days. If he happened to be one of those sheltered kids, he could have just logged onto the computer and messaged one of them on Facebook or e-mailed them. There really wouldn’t have been a problem. Another that would have been solved too easily. “And oh yeah, there’s these two creepers that have been stalking the house. They’re planning on breaking in, Mom. Should I call the cops or what?”

Child safety is such a big deal, there’s no way the cops could have just knocked on the door either. They would have found that kid one way or another. So many problems solved by technology.

14. National Lampoon’s Vacation

“Dad, I looked it up online and Walley World, it’s ‘America’s Favorite Family Fun Park’ right? Well, they are closed until next month. They’re doing renovations.” Rusty would have definitely checked up on Walley World before leaving for that trip. Then, they would never have gone and the movie would be over. If they would have waited, assuming the other events took place then too, things would have gone down differently as well. From the Station Wagon that was forced on them to the money troubles, there was so much that could have been done with today’s problem solvers.

But in the end, the point was that Walley World was closed, and we ALL look up places online before we visit them. So the movie would have ended in minutes.

13. Mr. Mom

Excuse me, gender roles? That’s okay, but what’s not is that it was so ridiculous that a woman be the moneymaker, that she had a good, successful job. The man in the movie loses his job at Ford, which was catastrophic, of course! He can’t get a job, so his wife, who was a stay-at-home mom went to work. Big whoop! It made sense. The name of the movie itself wouldn’t fly in 2017. Mr. Mom? What does that even mean?

The man in the movie even feels threatened by his wife’s success and claustrophobic taking care of the kids. What’s the most ridiculous thing? In the end, they can’t “handle” each other’s roles and switch back… This is so outdated, there’s no way it could be a movie today.

12. The Muppets

Umm…maybe Kickstarter? Fundraising is easy these days, when there’s a good cause and the people are known. So if they would have used Kickstarter to raise $10 million, the movie would have been over as soon as they got the bad news. This Muppet movie was released in 2011, and they couldn’t raise the money because they didn’t use the Internet. Kickstarter was released in 2009, so it existed then, but it just wasn’t as popular as it is now.

Now, you can raise tens of thousands of dollars for potato salad. True story. A man put up a $10 Kickstarter to make potato salad as a joke. But ended up raising over $70,000! Believe it or not, this isn’t even the most ridiculous. So if potato salad man can do it, so can the Muppets.

11. Friday The 13th

The same could be said for Psycho, or any other movie with an awful motel/camp etc. In Friday the 13th, in today’s world, people could have Googled the place and saw the reviews! Oh…a kid was drowned here? That’s shady. Oh, two teens were also murdered there? Oh, the locals call it Camp Blood? It was owned by crazy people? It has half a star? Yeah, don’t go there! In fact, there are so many movies that involve people not knowing the history or reviews on a certain place they were going. With Google Reviews or Yelp, problem solved! I mean, you just don’t go to places you haven’t checked out online beforehand. That’s 2017. Especially summer camps, those counselors could be serial killers or predators.

10. The Terminator

Have you ever heard of uninstalling? Skynet is no good, get rid of it…done! This is so simple! Deleting a program permanently shouldn’t be hard for a computer expert. Spread the news on Facebook, Twitter, CNN, it doesn’t matter. But I’m sure it would be a simple fix to personally uninstall it for good. Or just shut the Internet off until it gets fixed. Seriously, if Russia can do it, then someone from 2029 could! Sarah Connor probably could have done it!

Then again, you know what else would have been different? Finding the right Sarah Connor. So that could have happened too. Not much was known about her, but it sure would have been a lot easier to find the right one with the Internet. Hmmm…Facebook can do wonders!

9. Catch Me If You Can

There’s no way a kid could get away with all of this today. Security may not always be tight, but it’s better than it was then. I mean, you can’t just impersonate cops, lawyers, and anyone else without getting checked up on and run through the system. Sure, it was set in the 60s to begin with and the movie is from 2002. But if it occurred in 2017, he would be caught fairly quick. Although there are a few things that would be easier, such as YouTubing how to fly, different religions, and medical terms. So, that would have been a breeze. The getting away with it is another story.

The thing is, this is a true story! Frank Abagnale really did all of this. Lucky for him, he was born in the 40s, when technology held little to no power.

8. 127 Hours

Umm…GPS, tracking, cell phone companies knowing where you’re at. He could just sit there, even without a signal and his phone could be tracked. That’s a perk to the government knowing where you’re at. In the movie, Aron was trapped in 2003. This was before 99% of the technology we have today. The movie is based on a true story, and focuses on the man who had to amputate his own arm! That’s extreme, but there was no way anyone would find him until he got out of that crevice.

These days, there are two things that would have prevented this. One: of course, the fact that he would have had his smart phone. If he couldn’t send a text, then he could still be tracked. Two is that he probably would have been safety savvy enough to not separate from the others! Today, we are warned about going off alone, and 99% of people heed these warnings.

7. The Ring

My first concern is pausing…could you just pause it as she’s crawling out? Maybe…if not, then this could go one of two ways. The video would never be shared because it would be in digital format, illegal, hard to get your hands on. Even then, how hard would it be to crawl through someone’s smart phone screen. They’d probably take a flamethrower to their phone if her hand popped out anyway. Or think she was cute, have a thing for her and lock her up. Become the predator.

Even though it likely wouldn’t spread, there’s a chance that it would go viral! In that case, if all of those copies would work…the world would end. So, it’s a toss-up, and either way, it would be a short, not a movie.

6. The Fugitive

You can find anyone online these days. Especially people with certain unique features. Like one-arm. If you can’t find him on Facebook, posing with other pharmacists, he’ll be there showing off a Throwback Thursday to when he got his arm. If not, it’s easy to find records of people in the area who had one arm. Maybe even a secret Instagram shot of someone who thought the prosthetic was cool.

Another option would be to put up an ad on Craigslist, “easy $1000, need a one-armed man to star in the role of a short film I’m making.” Or even, “free prosthetic repairs in the Chicago area, need practice. Will also do unique carvings for those who’ve always wanted a tattoo! With permission, will Instagram my art.”

5. Sixteen Candles

Notification! It’s Samantha’s birthday today! Wish her a happy birthday with an e-card! Thanks Facebook! This is the simplest one yet. In Sixteen Candles, the entire thing takes place because everyone forgot Samantha’s birthday. Nowadays, everyone gets Facebook notifications and probably Google calendar ones too. The movie may still have existed, but the whole birthday thing would have been invalid. Her family would have thrown her a nice, wholesome party and it would be over.

In the movie, the whole sob story led to a love triangle, teen parties, and trouble. But if they had just been notified, they’d have taken a little time to throw her a party and she would have been happy. All the drama would have been nonexistent. No Jake, no Ted. Nothing.

4. Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade

Tell him all of the secrets! Oh, the three challenges? I texted them to you already! The Temple of the Sun would have been a breeze if Henry could have texted Indy. The Breath of God. You need to kneel! The Word of God, don’t you know Latin, boy? Google the Latin spelling of Jehovah. The Path of God, just do it. “Kk, dad, chill, it’s not like you raised me.”

In fact, every time anyone is separated, they could warn each other of the dangers or ask them for advice.

Need I mention the tracking again. Even old Henry would have had a cell phone. I’m convinced that 90% of the dangers and inconveniences of the past can be solved with smart phones. Tracking, Googling, and texting.

3. The Goonies

Life was full of so much more adventure back then. You didn’t have Google at your fingertips to debunk everything, tell the truth, or conspiracies. Just ask “Okay, Google, who is One-Eyed Willy?” or “Okay, Google, gold doubloons in 1632.”

Later on, they could Google the Fratellis’ restaurant, and any background on that scary woman. Then instead of sending Chunk to the authorities, they could have just dialed 911. There’s literally nothing in this movie that Google wouldn’t make easy and boring. So it’s a good thing that this movie was released in the 80s rather than 2017, or else it would not be a box office hit. I’d still watch it, who am I kidding? They are The Googies — because they’d spend the entire movie Googling on their phones.

2. The Big Lebowski

Again, Google. Before you hunt someone down, Google a picture of them! Come on. Their age, home address, and what their favorite food is can help you loads. Oh yeah, and the fact that they are in a wheelchair. The first five minutes would never have happened and thus the movie would never have happened.

Since the goons are so dumb, they probably friended whoever they were in cahoots with on Facebook too, so they would have been easy to locate. All you had to do was contact the cops and tell them you were assaulted by the two. But still, as dumb as they were, they would have been given a profile on social media of the real Jeffrey Lebowski, and the Dude would have never gotten mixed up with them.

1. Star Wars: The Entire Franchise

Emperor Palpatine just got all of the Storm Troopers red dot sights! They were $12 each on eBay, no less! Game over! If you think about what would have happened if the Stormtroopers actually had any aim whatsoever, you would be severely depressed. If they had red dot sights, the whole series would have ended the minute they saw any of the Rebels. Seriously, everyone that you ever loved would have died early on. Far too early on. We all know that the Stormtroopers had one giant weakness, that was aim. If that were improved, the entire Star Wars franchise would have taken an entirely different turn.

Now that’s something to keep you up at night, or have you already been kept up by this thought?

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