Just because a person is a hero doesn’t mean we should aspire to be like them. We all have heroes we love and aspire to be like: Captain America, with his loyalty, patriotism, and high moral values; Professor Xavier, with his wise insights, trained powers, and careful foresight; Wonder Woman, with her grace, tough attitude, and disciplined background. There are so many heroes that have time and time again proven themselves to be worthy of our accolades, loyalty, love, and interest. Then… there are the others.
Good people aspire to be like good heroes. It only then follows that douchey people aspire to be like douchey heroes. It may sound silly or harsh, but it’s true! Ask someone you love and respect for their intelligence, high morals, and keen insights what heroes of cinema they enjoy- then ask the same questions of friends you don’t know why you keep around due to their horrible attitudes, gross statements, and ill-informed opinions; the ones who seem to decline in maturity with every passing years. In all likelihood, they’re going to name someone that’s on this list.
Just because douchebags like these heroes doesn’t mean that the heroes are douchebags- some totally are. But there are some who were, for lack of a better way to say it, just drawn that way. Yet they’ve attracted the worst of us as loyal fans, unfortunately for them. Here’s your test to see if you or someone you care about is secretly a douchebag, for you’ll know you’re a douche if you adore one of these heroes. Here they are: fifteen heroes of cinema only a douchebag could love.
15. Human Torch
Johnny Storm, brother to the Invisible Girl and member of the long running super team The Fantastic Four, is only beloved to a select crew of douchie people. Fans like heroes they can relate to! For the smart and ever-practical, Mr. Fantastic (Reed Richards) is a favorite; for women who are looking for a role model and an empathetic character, The Invisible Girl is a top pick; and for the misfits who find they can’t find their perfect friend-group anywhere, The Thing manages to become endearing and sweet. So who does that leave to love The Human Torch? Only the douchiest, most narcissistic, grossest guys. Johnny spends his free time trying to hook up with fans of the Fantastic Four, embarking on daredevil stunts that could endanger not only himself but everyone around him, and failing to live up to the expectations of his super friends. Douches everywhere find him strangely relatable.
14. Green Lantern
In essence, Hal Jordan really isn’t a bad guy. He’s nowhere as near as terrible as his replacement, Guy Gardner, but he still manages to have moments of total douchery. You don’t even have to go digging through the comic books to find instances or examples of this! You need look no further than the terrible Ryan Reynolds movie from 2011. Hal is one of the most cocky and narcissistic pilots in his program; in fact, he’s such an ass that he managed to drive Blake Lively away (and it’s not exactly like her standards are high). He also starts his venture in the Lantern Corps with an unwarranted confidence that nearly gets many people killed. His foibles somehow manage to produce positive results throughout his movie which, for some reason, seems to attract douchey guys. Douchebags love it when they can get away with doing whatever they want and still come out the hero. Thus, douchebags will always love and defend Hal Jordan and the Lantern Corps.
13. Star Lord
You know, Star Lord? Peter Quill? One of the most feared rebellious anti-heroes across the galaxy?! Well, you should know him… however, you probably shouldn’t fall for him. He’s the epitome of a dumb douchebag that manages to survive on sheer luck and his over-confident attitude. Need proof? We don’t have to work hard to find some for you. When his position is threatened by anyone, including Rocket Raccoon or Ronan the Accuser, he manages to escape via poorly thought out plans and the quick wit of others. When the colony of Nova Prime is in mortal danger and everyone is depending on Star Lord to save them, his approach to stopping Ronan is to recklessly grab onto the infinity stone- which, if he were a smart man, he’d remember would kill him. And what’s his bad-ass line after defeating Ronan? “You said it, b*tch. We’re the Guardians of the Galaxy.” Was ever there douchier line spoken?
There are likely only two reactions seeing Superman on this list. If you’re a douchebag, you just got overwhelmingly defensive. “Superman’s not a douche! He’s amazing, he’s the best superhero you’ve ever seen! This writer doesn’t know shit!” Then there are going to be the rest of us, the non-douchey populace, that scrolled down to his name, paused, thought a moment, and said, “Yeah, I can see that.”
Superman is a total douchebag. In Man of Steel, he actually destroys half of Metropolis in a petty fight with Zod because he was trying to stop him without killing him. In his selfish fight to come out the more righteous hero, he ended up killing thousands, if not millions, of people. Self-righteous douches everywhere will defend to the tooth Superman’s powers (which are not always accurate to the original comics), values (which are totally unenlightened), and decisions (no matter how reckless). Know why it’s called Dawn on Justice? Because justice is finally being dealt upon the monumental douche that is Superman!
11. Iron Man
Douchebags and fans everywhere can’t fight the truth; we’ve got to admit it. Tony Stark/Iron Man is a total and utter douchebag, and his most loyal fans are just shadows of the monumental douche he is. Let’s run down an itemized list of some of his douchiest moments…
After Iron Man saves his city from the bloodlust of his former coworker turned nemesis, Obadiah Stane, he is taken to a press conference where he’s been advised by all allies to keep his identity secret… he proceeds to shout out to every media outlet worldwide that he is Iron Man, endangering all his loved ones and his personal life. He is disrespectful to all the other members of the Avengers on the sole argument that he believes himself to be better than them, despite his lack of actual superpowers. Also, don’t forget that he tried to kill Bucky Barnes and threatened to inflict the same fate on Captain America for the deaths of his parents decades ago. Tony feels he shouldn’t be held accountable for his actions and that inspires douchebags everywhere to follow in his footsteps.
Don’t remember Gambit? Think back a few X-Men movies, to the one both fans and producers alike wish they could forget: X-Men Origins: Wolverine. In the movie, Wolverine gets his adamantium skeleton and seeks revenge on the government body that used his body for the purposes of weapons production. In doing so, he meets up with The Blob, John Wraith, and, the douchey favorite himself, Gambit (played by Taylor Kitsch). The wanted prisoner should probably be lying low somewhere, keeping himself safe from the vigilant chase of his captors. But what’s he doing? Running poker tables in New Orleans and showing off magic tricks for drunk co-eds. Sounds pretty douchey right? Few people ever list Gambit as their favorite superhero as Gambit but, if they do, that’s a red flag. You’re idolizing a short-sighted, foolhardy young dolt that’s famous for playing a good card game and womanizing in sleazy popular spring break locations? Have fun with that.
9. Green Hornet
Remember this movie? We’d forgive you if you’ve forgotten, it’s not like it was groundbreaking cinema. Green Hornet was a 2011 movie starring Seth Rogen as a superhero (already an unbelievable premise, right?), Jay Chou as his bad-ass sidekick (who, in all honesty, was more capable and bright than Seth’s character could ever have hoped to be), and Cameron Diaz as his hot love interest (and who’s going to believe that Seth and Cameron could have ever worked out?). Green Hornet is historically moderately capable as a superhero. However, this movie portrayed Britt Reid as a highly incapable, bumbling buffoon whose only contribution to fighting crime was a vast fortune inherited from his deceased father. Douchebags love Green Hornet because of its terrible writing and because deep down, they know he is the superhero they’d all likely turn out to be. It’s not like they have brains, brawn, or high moral values to contribute.
8. Ferris Bueller
This article is about heroes from all walks of cinema, isn’t it? Let’s turn away from the super-powered douches for a moment and look at some of the more common and realistic douches. Everyone loves John Hughes’ 1986 classic comedy about a high schooler playing hooky, but that doesn’t change the fact that Ferris Bueller is a total douchebag! Stop idolizing him! He lies to get out of classes he’s failing, he hacks into the school’s computer system to alter his attendance record, he steals a man’s identity for the purposes of a lunch reservation, he convinces a town that he’s dying for sheer amusement, he manipulates Cameron into doing a laundry list of things he doesn’t want to do (and causes all measures of hell for him), he hits on other women after basically proposing to Sloane, and he makes life a living hell for his poor Principal Rooney. This kid’s an asshole that deserves to be held back a few years.
7. Black Widow
Natasha Romanov is not a douchebag. We’d like to make that abundantly clear. However, this article is not about characters that are douchebags; it’s about the douches that love them. When it comes to the favorite characters of douches, Black Widow certainly makes the list. Why? Well, she’s a total babe and kind of a badass, but not really! She doesn’t have any superpowers, she just has good training as an assassin/spy, a tight costume that perfectly lifts and frames her boobs, and high-heeled boots she’s surprisingly good at fighting in. She rarely calls the shots but is rather a submissive sheep following orders. Who wants a superhero around that is hardly helpful when the situation calls for it? We’ll tell you who: douchebags looking for a hot babe to ogle throughout the action movie. If Marvel wanted a truly badass addition to the Avengers, they ought to have brought in Wasp or Ms. Marvel.
We don’t have to convince you that Deadpool is a douchebag. Actually, Deadpool would take pride in being listed on this article and would thank us for the consideration before promptly flipping us off. Deadpool was one of the most popular movies of 2016, but he’s truly idolized by the grossest, rudest, most narcissistic, and douchiest of us all. Shall we count the ways in which Deadpool fans are douchey? They love his quick and dirty wit, but he never uses it in a clever way; his jokes are usually directed as insults or cheap, pun-loaded jabs at the people around him. His love interest is a prostitute that he tamed which, to the nondouchey populace just sounds like he needs to get checked for STDs but douchebags somehow find totally sexy. He bails on his girlfriend and, when his cancer is cured and he could return to her, he chooses not to because he thinks he’s too ugly (because that’s what love is based on, clearly).
5. Captain Kirk
Turning again away from superheroes, there’s a great hero of science fiction and adventure stories that we haven’t discussed yet who embodies all of the characteristics of our douchiest friends: Captain James Tiberius Kirk of the Starship Enterprise (aka, the lead of our favorite Star Trek films). Jim has a lot of reasons to be angry at the world, especially in the J.J. Abrams reboot of the series: he’s from Iowa, his dad is dead, and he’s always been an underdog of Starfleet Academy. But do you know why everyone at Starfleet has always rooted against him? Because he is an obnoxious tool! He sleeps with random aliens from various planets and doesn’t seem to care when they get killed, he treats his crew like incapable low lives when they’re truly the ones saving him from peril at every turn, and he gets away with breaking dozens of rules because he does it in style at convenient moments. He’s a hero, sure, but he’s also the role model for ambitious douchebags everywhere.
4. Sherlock Holmes
From the books by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle to the Benedict Cumberbatch BBC television show to the movies starring Robert Downey Jr., Sherlock Holmes is, always has been, and always will be a total douche. Sure, he’s brilliant, he’s astute, he’s clever beyond all of his colleagues; but none of that gives him an excuse to be a raging ass and total tool. You really don’t have to look any further than how he treats his dearest friend, greatest ally, and bravest companion, Dr. John Watson. Want some correlative proof to see how much of a douche Sherlock is? Think of every woman that’s expressed romantic interest in Sherlock- don’t they always seem to end up with guys that treat them like crap and try to justify it at every turn? It doesn’t take a genius to see that the world’s greatest detective is a total douchebag- no shit, Sherlock.
Unlike some of the other many heroes on this list, we want to say that Mystique is not a douchebag. She’s actually a really good person! Sure , she does tend to side with evil a lot of the time in the X-Men movies, but she’s usually fairly well-intentioned. For example, when Night Crawler asks her why she doesn’t just use her powers to act human rather than fight humans, she answers, “because we shouldn’t have to.” She’s fighting on behalf of mutants everywhere for equality! So what then makes her appealing to douchebag fans? Perhaps the fact that she walks around naked all day! Mystique is a douchebag’s wet dream because she bounces around fighting her enemies and being a dominatrix-style badass in nothing but blue body paint all day! Back off, douchebags, and leave Mystique (whether she’s played by Jennifer Lawrence or Rebecca Romijn) alone to fight her battles in whatever attire she prefers.
2. Indiana Jones
Sure, he’s a wise, experienced, and acclaimed professor of archaeology. He was also a spectacular explorer. But he also happened to be a total douchebag and fellow douches love him for it! Some may defend Indiana with arguments that Indy actually saved a young boy from the streets… he actually caught this boy picking his pockets, named him like a dog, and kept him around like a golf caddy! You may argue he’s trying to save artifacts to show in museums… he’s actually stealing holy and historical treasures from impoverished and indigenous cultures to appropriate them for selfish purposes! And let’s not forget that he had a son and never took an interest in his life (and that son turned out to be Shia Labeouf). This douche deserves to be dropped in a pit of snakes. Stay in school, Indy, you’ve got some learning to do before you interact with ancient cultures again.
1. James Bond
And we reach the pinnacle of douchebaggery- the one and only James frickin Bond. James Bond is the most obnoxious, terrible douchebag in all of our entertainment history. He kills people (bad guys and civilians alike), sleeps with hot chicks that are coworkers (isn’t there some human resources protocol forbidding that?) then essentially forgets about them or treats them like garbage, falls into the same stupid and obvious traps at every turn, drinks like a fish, and does it all in the name of protecting England- because, clearly, treating women like sex objects will protect the Queen. James Bond is the ultimate douchebag and, of course, douchebags everywhere aspire to be like him! Getting all the ladies, looking hot as hell everywhere you go, somehow becoming more eloquent the more they drink… sounds great right? Too bad he’s a fictional character and you’re all still raging douchebags that no one wants to affiliate with.