Paying absolutely no attention to Home Alones 3-5, (sorry excuses for films as they are), it is clear that, by the end of Home Alone 2: Lost In New York, Kevin McAlister (Macaulay Culkin) would most certainly have committed murder at least fifteen times over. This devious and borderline sadistic young boy, set upon by two uncommonly common crooks, (Harry and Marv, famously portrayed by Joe Pesci, and Daniel Stern), creates whimsically advanced and atrocious traps to keep the two hooligans from getting away with robbery and, thanks to Kevin, murder.
Not, perhaps, a suspecting film to be included in the Faces Of Death series, this holly, jolly Christmas classic is chock-full of dirty deeds that would certainly, outside of the safe haven of Hollywood film, result in death and would likely be severe enough to put the kid on trial as an adult, especially if all traps were able to be sprung (though there would need to be more than just the two bumbling burglars).
From ice-slicks to flaming toilets, from electric shock to tetanus, and even falling from great heights to being smashed with bricks (from great heights), the dumbfounded (or perhaps just dumb) duo have been given a Groundhog Day sort of Hollywood treatment in their ability to cheat death and come back hungry for more.
15. Death By Brick(s)
In Home Alone 2: Lost In New York, Harry manages to dodge four bricks tossed at him by little Kevin, from the rooftop of his uncle’s three-storey townhouse. That would be just peachy if it weren’t for the fact that each brick that missed Harry, hit Marv directly in the face. A single brick, not just being dropped, but being lobbed from a rooftop, even if from a little kid, would most certainly fracture someone’s skull. Admittedly Marv’s skull is incredibly thick, but likely not thick enough to take a brick (let alone four) to the face without severe breaks, bleeds, and swelling, all of which certainly lead to death. That Marv is somehow able to speak full words and call to Harry standing in front of him, is a miracle considering that, if he managed to remain conscious, he would surely be suffering from brain damage.
14. Cased By Concrete
After having plummeted into the basement of the townhouse from the front door (which easily could have ended in death), Marv sees a rope that goes all the way to the top floor that, for some reason, he thinks might be a good idea to climb. Big mistake. He tugs on it a few times, to make sure nothing untoward will happen and then, as he puts all of his weight on it to start his climb, the rope goes slack, and a 100-pound bag of concrete powder falls from the top floor of the house directly onto Marv’s face. Dead. For sure. Not only would 100lbs to the head from that height likely kill someone anyway, but Marv also had his head tilted back, looking up at the bag that then would have certainly broken his neck, part of his spine, and driven his face straight into the concrete floor. If he managed to survive, the dust he inhaled would likely have caked his lungs and suffocated him anyway. But he’d not be breathing again in the first place.
13. Killed Off By Crowbar
Having tossed a tarantula from his own face onto Harry’s torso, Marv takes it upon himself not to explain anything to Harry, telling him only to hold still, as he takes his crowbar and readies to eliminate the tarantula. Harry, worried for very obvious reasons, does not hold as still as Marv might hope and, as the spider clears out of the way, Marv comes down hard across Harry’s torso with the full force of his body weight, with the crowbar. Now this might not kill Harry, of course, but the chances of breaking ribs, piercing internal and integral organs, and a whole lot of internal hemorrhaging, without help and especially with all of the subsequent activity, Harry would certainly not make it through till the new year. Maybe this isn’t directly Kevin’s fault, but he did put the spider on Marv’s face. The rest was simply Marv’s stupidity.
12. Foiled By Fire
Home Alone 1 & 2 mirror each other quite a bit when it comes to character, plot, and pranks, and while Harry and Marv do learn a little from their past exposure to Kevin’s killer traps, they don’t seem to learn enough to ultimately stop them from receiving some deadly blows. For example, Harry gets set afire for a second time, come Lost In New York, but doesn’t have the wherewithal to assume that the full and run down toilet nearby might not have water in it. Simply removing his toque would have likely stopped the burning, given that his bald head would have merely been melting as opposed to burning, but instead, he tips upside down (which would make the flames climb further along his body), and dunks his head into a toilet bowl of kerosene, lighting up the entire floor of the house in a magnificent flash of light. That kind of explosion (though unrealistic from such a concentration of kerosene) would certainly have killed anyone who had their face at the epicentre of it.
11. Ended By Electric Shock
Ok, this is perhaps the most clearly ridiculous and obvious would-be death in the series, as well as the most malicious. There is no way that Kevin did not know that hooking up an arc welder’s charge to a metal faucet wouldn’t end in death. Cue Marv wanting to wash off from all of the tasty toxins he’s had all over and in him since the beginning of the series. Reaching out to turn the tap, he doesn’t even get a chance to get some water on him, which would be a good thing if the shock wouldn’t kill him anyway, but the conductivity of the water would have absolutely intensified his death. While he stands there, unable to remove his hands from the taps, sparks fly, smoke billows, hair poofs, and for a few seconds, the audience can see his skull… of course he’s dead by this point. Skulls are not just revealed and then set to right again after an intense blast of electricity.
10. Finished By Falling
The first big drops that Marv takes (it’s typically Marv dying in these scenarios), is when he, after finally getting past the small traps at the front door, decides to look around the house, without looking directly in front of him where there is a massive chasm. Perhaps suffering from tunnel vision from a previous prank, Marv steps forward and falls face first, straight down onto the concrete basement floor. The fact that he not only gets up shortly after, but doesn’t have a completely flattened nose, or any skull fractures, is thanks to the Hollywood fantasy this film requires to be sold to children. Given the sounds both his neck and back make when he gets to his feet, if he didn’t break anything before, he then proceeded to break everything of his own volition, just before trying to climb a rope, getting smoked by that giant bag of concrete powder.
9. Released By Rope
Deciding for some incredibly idiotic reason to climb down from the rooftop, to the ground via a single rope that Kevin had clearly placed, Marv notices a strange smell from the rope… Harry having already noted himself that the rope is soaked in kerosene, for some reason, continued to climb down, somehow not expecting something terrible to come of this. Sure enough, Kevin, waiting on the ground level, lights a match and then the rope, as the two idiots make to climb back up the rope. As the fire reaches them, the two men fall from the third story of the townhouse, crash through some boards littered with cans of varnish, and while Harry lands on the cement, on his back, Marv lands on top of him, hands breaking his fall. Harry would have split his skull, and been crushed by Marv, where Marv would likely have broken his face on Harry’s, just after he shattered both his arms, trying to break his fall. Subsequently, the cans of varnish would have either aided in killing via blunt force, or would have poisoned the two, given the amount they consume, mouths agape as the liquid comes raining down on them.
8. Potted By Piping
Avoiding the paint can shtick that was so famous from the first film, Harry and Marv think they’ve bested Kevin until a huge black pipe comes swinging down the staircase, clocking both of them directly in the face. If this initial hit did not kill these two dummies, given the incredible force and distance it had to build momentum, then the fall from the staircase, back down through the chasm into the basement, surely would have. And let’s say, just for kicks, that neither of these certain death scenarios did actually finish the two bozos off, Kevin cutting the ropes holding the pipe, allowing it to tumble down the stairs and into the basement for another shot to the face, would have ended the Wet Bandits… Sticky Bandits by that point actually. Three certain deaths in one trap. Kevin is a cold-blooded killer.
7. A Casualty Of Cans
Backtracking to Home Alone, the very swinging paint cans that cause Harry and Marv to get nailed by that big pipe in Lost In New York, would also likely have killed these guys. Not at all acquainted with Kevin’s killer skills yet, Marv marches up the stairs only to get a full can of paint, on a rope, straight to the face, knocking him to the floor, from mid-staircase. Both the impact of the can, and the subsequent fall definitely could have killed him and, not thinking twice about marching up after watching his friend take a fatal blow to the head, Harry decides to get the kid who killed his friend, resulting in Harry himself taking his own full can of paint directly in the face, getting his own spot on the floor below. Full cans of paint are not light and, being swung from a rope from half a floor up, and not opening upon impact, make for an incredible blunt force weapon.
6. Cessation Via Shovel
Given everything these two dummies have been through regarding hits to the head in Home Alone, they somehow still manage to get Kevin. That victory is short-lived however as old man Marley, who has surely got some umpf to his swing, strikes both guys in the head with his steel shovel. And this is no ordinary swing with a shovel here. Kevin gave Marley a sense of renewal when they spoke earlier in the film at the local church; helping Marley reconnect with his family. Given that, the instinct Marley must have had to save the little boy would have been staggering, in the same way a forceful hit via a metal shovel would be. If the other injuries to these men didn’t end them, then this final crack to the head surely would. Perhaps not directly death by Kevin, but little Kevin did sow the seeds of this devastating demise.
5. Silenced By Ice
Of course Marv, as always, takes incredible tumbles on ice, down stairs, directly onto his back and head, and more than once. This occurs in both films (and even in Home Alone 3 with another character), and ice is no trivial thing to fall on, especially without any padding or protection. As many as 17,000 Americans die each year from slipping and falling, so it should come as no surprise that such intense bails in the Home Alone series would and should statistically end in death. Perhaps Marv deserves a break after everything else he’s been through, and there is no doubt a fall like that would cause many a break, especially considering landing on one’s back or head on ice-slicked, concrete steps. In comparison, Harry must feel lucky, but he wouldn’t live to talk about it anyway.
4. Ironed Out
Of course Marv is lined up here for this one as well. In the basement of the McAlister home, Marv makes to turn on a light, which is actually tied to an iron at least one full floor’s height above. Looking up the shaft that Marv notices, given the slack from pulling the light, he is greeted, full force, with an iron, as always, directly to the face. Death. Assuredly. Irons are not light little appliances and, as with most everything else Kevin uses to kill, falling from such a height, especially given that Marv’s neck was craned back, in usual fashion, would clearly end in death after some skull-fracturing, brain-swelling, and intense bleeding. There is no scenario, it seems, that ends well for Marv, in anyway, but true to the fantastical elements of this film, Marv gets up almost immediately, yes dazed, but still with enough resolve to keep on after the boy.
3. Terminated By Tetanus
After gooping up the steps for the bandits, Kevin also makes sure there’s a well-placed spike for one of the juvenile gents to step on. Sure enough (you guessed it), Marv takes to the stairs, losing his shoe, then his sock, then his mind as he steps right down onto the nail with his tar-filled foot. Tumbling back down the stairs, Marv reels in pain, moaning over the incredibly un-bloodied foot (likely thanks to the tar covering it). That being said, after all of the traps are set and sprung, the likelihood that Marv does not end up with tetanus from the piercing nail (even without it going through his foot), and everything that subsequently enters that wound, is staggering. Or at least an incredibly debilitating infection that would likely (given these guys’ lack of medical care, and lack of funds for it) end in a gruesome death.
2. Poisoned By Paint
Just from the above photo alone, one might suspect that Marv (of course Marv) has ingested some incredible amount of paint. Having slipped on a soapy slick on the floor near the shelf that Marv collides with, he sends all of the cans flying and, unlike the swinging cans to the face, these open-ended cans come crashing down on Marv while he lays on the ground, open-mouthed, screaming as the paint splatters all around him, over him, and in him. The chances that he didn’t ingest any of the paint given the intensity of the concentration of paint on his face, are very slim. If not by tetanus, or blunt force trauma, or slipping and falling, then poisoning via paint ingestion is incredibly likely. Perhaps some of the deaths are not instant, but a slow, vomit-inducing, and painful death is not out of the realm of reality here.
1. Punked By Pigeons
Ok, ok, so perhaps this is the most unlikely of deaths of all the ones listed, but it is still more likely than these guys surviving any one of the aforementioned scenario. In Home Alone 2: Lost In New York, Harry and Marv finally confront Kevin, goopy gun in hand, and as they are distracted by the scary bird lady, Harry trying to get his slippery hands on the hammer of his revolver, both dummies are covered in bird seed, which sticks to them thanks to the previously mentioned covering in varnish. A swarm of pigeons (AKA rats with wings) have at the two, pecking and clawing at them, keeping them occupied until the police arrive. The suggestion that pigeons are indeed like rats with wings is to say that they are often littered with disease, especially in cities full of refuse like New York City. Considering the overwhelming number of pigeons to have attacked Harry and Marv, the amount of bird shit they likely ended up ingesting, and the talon and beak wounds they would have sustained, one should find it very surprising that neither of these men (most likely Marv) would die of some fowl-carried disease or infection.
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