There’s a classic old Bob Dylan song that begins with the line “Something there is about her, that strikes a match in me.” For all of you fledgling Dylanologists out there (yeah, that was once a thing), the song, “Something There is about Her” (duh) is from his classic and underrated 1974 gem of an album Planet Waves. I bring this somewhat out of left field example up because I have to say, who knew that the song’s lyrics could apply to the literally millions of American men who carry on a virtual crush with Kim Kardashian. Kim definitely strikes a match in tons of guys, myself included, and is probably- no- is certainly the most famous person to ever be famous just for being famous. At least, I think that’s what I mean. Kim can be kind of confusing to us entertainment writers.
On the one hand, everybody, again myself included, wants to hate on Kimmie. I can’t believe I’m actually writing an article about her. Like she doesn’t get enough “exposure,” if you know what I mean, for doing basically nothing but showing off that backside of hers. We are all so sick of Kim; she’s a non-celebrity celebrity. On the other hand, we’re beyond fascinated with her- we’re obsessed. I’m not sure why either. Sure, she seems not half-dumb in real conversation, she’s definitely hot, and she is the living personification of what Robin Leach used to call “the lifestyles of the rich and famous.” But is that enough to explain her ongoing phenomenon? I just don’t know- these are the questions that keep me up at night.
I mean, we’re talking over 10 years now that she’s been in the spotlight and it doesn’t seem like that’s slowing down anytime soon. So like her, loathe her or feel horribly conflicted about her, I’ve got news for you; she’s not going anywhere. Which is why right now is the perfect time to check out 15 hot pics of Kim K. by the water. Because she’s there.
15. The White Bikini
Let’s start off with a little bit of that classic Kim look, shall we? After all, it’s not every day you get to see a woman wearing a bikini like that. Am I right or am I right? I guarantee guys, if you saw this walking down the beach toward you, whether you’re 18 and on Spring Break in Fort Lauderdale or 40 and at Disney with your wife and kids, you would stop whatever you were doing and just stare. Maybe you’d remember to close your mouth after the first ten seconds. Or maybe your wife or girlfriend will do it for you when she slaps you across the cheek. But admit it- you would not be able to look away. That’s Kim’s whole deal, after all- making us unable to look away, whether in awe, horror, envy or for more elementary reasons. Like this one.
14. One Piece…Sorta
Here’s another shot of Kim in white, from her vacation in Mexico last August. Since I have the honor of showing you guys a bunch of pics of Kim in, around and near water, I don’t think I could find a better example of that anywhere. Now, I don’t know that we’ll actually see Kim engaging in anything as taxing as swimming or sea kayaking but you never know. What I do know is that Kim looks pretty good in a white one-piece custom designed especially for her with the goal of putting all of varied curves on full display. I’m thinking maybe just maybe the designer, Sanabri Sisters Style, succeeded. Wow, that was an alliterative challenge- but who cares? We’ve got Kim to look at, which is really all that matters. Which is as it should be, when, after all, we’re supposed to be seeing her in swimsuits. Think of this as your homework.
13. Kim In The Water
It’s hard to believe Kim is 35-years-old now, isn’t it? On the one hand, it seems like she’s been around forever and should be even older. On the other hand, she still looks, behaves and seems like someone much younger, even though she is now the mother of two children. I guess that’s what happens when we have been following her since she was a youngster on Keeping Up with the Kardashians. She’ll always be remembered as the hot, young chick from that show, no matter how old she gets. Personally, I hope Kim keeps staying fit and rocking looks like this into her 40’s and 50’s. Why not? The world needs hot reality stars just as much as we need doctors, dentists and schoolteachers. Well, maybe not but you have to admit- she’s a lot of fun to look at.
12. Very Sandy
You guys knew it was going to come sooner or later, right? There’s just no way I could give you 15 hot photos of Kimmie at beach or poolside and not focus at least a few times on her biggest, umm…asset. Well here it is, “the behind that makes you rewind” if you know what I mean. If Helen of Troy had the “face that launched a thousand ships” then Kim’s gotta have the “butt that launched a thousand selfies.” This is, quite literally her bread and butter. Let’s be real, guys, not a single one of us care about Kim’s views on the environment, education, North Korea or the Trump administration. We care about what she’s got riding in her over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder and what she’s got bringing up the rear. Honestly that’s about it. Which says way more about us guys as people than it does about Kim. Except for that she may be smarter than us.
11. The Swim Top
We’ve already seen Kim in white a few times. We’ve seen Kim’s front side. We’ve seen Kim’s backside. I guess it’s time for us to see both Kim’s front side and backside at the same time- that’s called a profile shot guys. Write it down, there’s a quiz later on Kim’s best profile shots. Like all great profiles, this one makes sure to let the eye linger on the best parts of her. In fact, I’m not sure if I like the sheerness of her top better or the high cut of her bikini bottom. I’ll probably have to do additional research on that thorny problem. Maybe next time Kim goes to Casa Aramara in Mexico, where this shot was taken last year, I can get hired on as a pool boy. We even get to see Kim in black in this one. Who knows? If you’re very diligent and read all of the way through this piece you may get to see another shot of Kim in a racy black swimsuit. Anything’s possible.
10. Two-Piece Heaven
OK, OK. Since this is, after all, an entertainment site and we want to keep our readers happy, I decided not to make you wait for another shot of Kim in black by the water. I think that was actually the name of an old folk song by Peter, Paul & Mary. Doesn’t everybody remember their mournful ballad “Kim in Black, By the Water???” But I digress. That’s pretty easy for me to do when I’m constantly being distracted by pics like this of Kim. You think it’s easy staying focused and trying to come up with enough witticisms to occupy you while I’m staring at all of these half-naked images of Kimmie? It’s not that easy, son! Not by a long shot!
9. Polka Dot Kim
Here’s a pretty nice shot of a slightly younger Kim wearing a tasteful “nod to Americana-style” bikini. I know, I know, combining the words “tasteful,” and “Kim Kardashian” in a sentence is, I believe, a major writing felony. But hear me out on this one. We’ve all seen countless photos of hot celebs wearing American flag swimsuits, shorts, bras and who knows what else. Has anyone ever stopped to think about how tacky that is, plastering the flag all over your curves? At least Kim has the decency to look patriotic without looking like a self-promoting fool. OK, I cannot believe I just wrote that. Kim must be having even more of an effect on me than I thought. Maybe I should keep away from my alternate facts theories and stick to the indisputable fact that Kim is equally hot in any bikini she chooses to wear, regardless of its race, creed, or color.
8. Sandy Kim
Here’s a saucy little number I like to call “Kim The K on a beach in Mexico Trying to Get Sand out of her Hoo-Hah.” The caption just rolls right off the tongue, don’t it? I know, I know, it doesn’t. But what exactly am I supposed to think about this shot here? Sure, Kim is hot as always; sheer white works just as well on her as sheer black does. Sure, it’s a little bit risqué, with all of that skin exposed. But what, really, is Kim doing here? Did she drop her phone down in there somewhere? Lost her car keys? Also, I promised I would give you guys’ lots and lots of shots of Kim by the water. Sorry- there’s very little water here. She is quite literally hanging out on the beach, if you know what I mean. Or maybe the beach is on her. Whichever the case, I hope Kim finds what she’s looking for and is able to go rinse off- water is more comfortable than sand.
7. A Younger Kim Enjoying The Water
Have we seen Kim in all-blue yet? No? Well good, ‘cause here she is in a stylish two-piece that is as blue as blue can get. At least she’s back in the water and moving around again rather than being stuck in the sand. This shot of a slightly younger, pre-kids Kim intrigues me for a different reason than beach shots of her usually do. As in, what the hell was she thinking accessory-wise? I mean, look at those sunglasses. They look like something a dental technician might wear while cleaning your teeth. Or that Kim’s old pal Paris might have worn pretty much anytime, anywhere. They’re horrendous! But not as horrendous as those earrings. Those things are so big that they give a whole new meaning to the term “hoop earrings.” As in basketball hoop-sized. Maybe Kris Humphries got them for her back in the day. Remember him? Don’t worry- neither does Kim.
6. Sandy Kim, Pt.2
Sooner or later she was bound to reveal just a bit more than a genteel publication like ours can show. We all know that Kim isn’t shy about the camera or what she allows the camera to see. In fact, she’s the opposite of shy. She’s camera hungry. Which is fine. The camera loves her and she loves the camera. Which is how we get “vacation” pics of Kim on some beach in Thailand when what she’s actually doing is a professional modeling shoot. For Kim, wearing a thong and hanging out on some remote, exotic, elite beach isn’t really vacation. It’s work. Except for when she posts selfies of these shoots. Maybe then it’s vacation. Nah. That’s still work, in Kim’s world.
5. Her Purple Bikini
“Hey look- it’s Kim Kardashian on a beach in a purple bikini! Would you look at the size of…that ship behind her!” Gotcha. But that’s OK. We still get to see a nice close-up of Kim showing us her curves. In purple no less. She’s wearing cooler sunglasses too. Is there any color Kim can’t pull off? I mean, for me personally, I know I can’t pull off much more than jeans or a black Adidas tracksuit. But Kim seems to be able to manage anything modern beachwear can throw at her. Not that I’m complaining about that, mind you. Not at all. In fact, the opposite is true. I think we should start a campaign to have Kim wear every possible style or type of swimwear available and we can judge the results. Kim gets more exposure. We get more exposed Kim… It’s a win-win for everyone.
4. Pregnant Kim
Alright, this one might seem to be a little off-putting to some of you. I know you probably weren’t expecting to see an enormously pregnant Kim come waddling down the beach after you. But, seriously, I told you I thought Kim could pull off just about any swimwear we threw at her, didn’t I? And I was right. Here she proves it and I think it’s awesome. What’s wrong with a healthy, pregnant woman who has the confidence to do what Kim’s doing? Nothing. Nothing at all. Sure, Kim perpetuates a lot of body-image issues women and girls have to deal with. Sure she’s a highly sensationalized, objectified sex object. But she is also a real person. It’s nice to see that she knows that and isn’t going to hide what she is. Well, not that Kim has ever hidden what she is.
3. Slippery When Wet
Well, back to the grindstone. The previous picture was a nice little detour into actual adult behavior for a moment but the above photo is way more fun, isn’t it? Here we have Kim at another exotic location (do you think Kim thinks all of these places are exotic? Or does she just call them “home”). For once Kim seems to have been actually swimming, rather than pretending to swim while taking selfies and ignoring the hordes of paparazzi stalking her. There’s nothing wrong with this pose, nothing at all. Kim’s got us entranced as she pulls that famous derriere out of the water. She’s even rocking the white and black combo. For some reason this pic seems a little bit less staged than most of Kim’s beach pics (and life) are. Which makes it even hotter. Which leads me to believe it’s staged after all. Uh oh, Kim’s doing it to me again.
2. Angel From Heaven
Well, we’re almost done and the one thing we haven’t seen yet is a shot of Kim poolside in something that’s clearly not custom-made swimwear. I aim to please, so here it is, the official “Kim forgot her bathing suit” photo you’ve all been waiting for. We’ve all done it, haven’t we? Either we’ve planned to go to the pool and when we got there we discovered we left the Speedos at home or we didn’t plan to go anywhere near the water, it just happened that way and everybody was having so much fun we just kind of went along with it. That seems to be what Kim is doing here. I have to admit, she looks a hell of a lot better doing something like this than I would in my boxers and an old Nirvana t-shirt. Maybe that’s why I’m sitting behind a keyboard and she’s sitting before all of you. Yeah, that must be it.
1. Thank You
How about one last look at the awesome look Kim presented to us back when we started. This is a woman who is in complete control of her body and her image. Not that I, for one, have any problem with that. I mean, look at what she’s got going on and what she’s got to work with. It would be a crime for her not to share herself with the rest of the world, don’t you think? I know that’s what I think. I also think Kim looks a little pensive in this shot, don’t you? Maybe she knows our article is nearly over. Maybe she’s worried about the state of the world. Maybe she still can’t find whatever she was looking for on that beach. Whatever the case, sadly, the time has come to say goodbye to Kim. It’s been a great ride and we’ll miss her. But hey, I’m pretty sure I can guarantee we’ll see plenty more bikini shots of her real soon.