Nothing appeals to guys like breasts. There’s just no other way to put it. There’s the age-old cliche that says that guys are either a leg/butt man, or a boob man. But let’s get real, we’re both. And the boobs usually take precedent since they are within view of the woman’s beautiful face. So there, that’s settled. Breasts are the best, so it’s no wonder why celebs have built a career off of them, and in this list, can’t stop showing them off.
So, boobs. We’ve all seen the National Geographic photos of the indigenous tribes women, and we know that their racks are not exactly attractive, which means we have the bra to thank for beautifying the breasts to their maximum potential. The history of the bra goes way back to ancient times, but today’s cup design is largely attributed to American, Mary Phelps Jacob, who later changed her name to Caresse, because she was rather promiscuous.
Caresse Crosby was a Boston socialite during the roaring 1920s who married, divorced, remarried, and then moved to Europe. She represented the Lost Generation of artists, and published a Parisian journal that featured writers like Ernest Hemingway. This woman had a very “open” relationship, and her second husband even died in a crazy double murder with one of his mistresses. Then Crosby remarried, divorced again, returned to the States and dated a black man, despite miscegenation laws. This awesome woman was way ahead of her time.
No, you fools, the bra was NOT invented by Otto Titzling, and he never had a lawsuit with Phillip de Brassiere. Although hilarious, those names are obviously fake. Now you know the real bra history (according to five minutes of research on Wikipedia). But what’s more important here, is the list of beautiful celebrity breasts that fill those wonderful cups.
15. Kylie Jenner, 34C
Here is the current queen of showing off the cup size, Kylie Jenner. Where did these things come from? Wasn’t she just a mousy little thing and then, kapow! She cloned herself into her sister, Kim, overnight. Where did the other Kylie go? It’s an amazing transformation that ranks up there with Michael J Fox, before and after he turned into Teen Wolf. Kylie’s change is obviously way more attractive, but the overall dramatic shift from one image to another is just as crazy. Kylie blames the changes on makeup, wardrobe, and just growing up and filling out. She’s denied having surgery despite pretty much every Hollywood website claiming that she has. And she keeps showing off her body, with more and more flesh every time. Why doesn’t she just take it all off? Just show the world what you have. Prove that there are no scars. Silence the haters. It’s the only way.
14. Ariel Winter, 34D
While there are a few women on this list who may have had surgery to enlarge their cup size, Ariel Winter is the only woman here who actually had a reduction, from a 32F to a 34D. She was very open about her procedure, and here’s what she said: “Being a 5-ft.-tall girl and having extremely large breasts is really ostracizing and excruciatingly painful,” the Modern Family actress stated, “I think it will be the only work I’ll have done, but I’m extremely happy with the decision I made.” Well, Ariel, most dudes are happy with your decision too. After all that trouble, no wonder she likes showing those babes off so often on Instagram. And what about “ostracizing” and “excruciatingly”? Those are some big words in that sentence, when “sucks” could have worked just fine. Hm, she must be smart too, and she’s not really very pretty. More good reasons to show off the cans while she can.
13. Charlotte McKinney, 32F
Talk about showing off her cup size, this girl has made an entire career out of it. The Florida native was actually bullied in high school because of her huge boobs, and the fact that she was dyslexic. So she said, forget this, and dropped out to pursue modelling. But her boobs were way too big to be taken seriously on the runway. So Charlotte changed her tactics and spent all of her time on Instagram, posting some super hot images and becoming, what they call “Insta-famous.” Soon after getting some gigs in men’s mags, she scored a career-defining role on a Super Bowl Carl’s Jr commercial. Remember that ad? Who could forget when she hid her breasts behind those farmers market melons. After all her success, Charlotte’s dreams were fulfilled, and she signed on as a model for Wilhelmina.
12. Lady Gaga, 34B
These are some of the smallest breasts on this list, but we just had to include Gaga because she just loves to show her pair off, all the time. This girl has gone all over the place in the fashion category. Remember when she wore meat to an awards show? Wtf. Then she wore underwear as outerwear for, like, an entire year. The thing is, Gaga does all this stuff, and it seems like she couldn’t care less. So what if she walks out of the house with her breasts poking through a thread-bare t-shirt? Oh, well. So what if she shows up on the red carpet in a huge puffy, pom pom hat, so she looks like a plush Frosty the Snowman? Sure, why not? Sometimes she looks classy and arrives in a red sequin number, a la Jessica Rabbit. We have no complaints here, as long as you don’t forget to show off the twins.
11. Emily Ratajkowski, 32C
This girl is insanely naked, constantly on social media. It is almost unbelievable that they haven’t closed down all of her accounts across the board. She is always, I repeat, always showing off her business. And that’s precisely what her body is– business. This girl knows what she’s doing. How1 long could a topless performance in a Robin Thicke video really last? Who were the other girls in that video? Nobody knows, or cares, because Emily took it over, and has remained in the public eye ever since. Remember that topless selfie she did with Kim K? Or how about those super dirty nude leaks she had exposed, and then she gave no objection to the theft at all. Like Gaga, the girl doesn’t care what anybody thinks. She’s riding her curves all the way to the bank, and most dudes don’t mind that one bit.
10. Katy Perry, 32D
This pair of breasts is probably the most sought after in Hollywood right now. Why doesn’t she reveal her twins to the masses? Why?! It seems like our chances of seeing them are worse than ever, now that the pop star has become so vocal with politics. The feminist and anti-Trump spokesperson has said that she can’t just sit around and be quiet about political issues any longer. The “I kissed a Girl” singer also admitted that she was the victim of some anti-gay-conversion “therapy” as a youth, and that church camp ministers ordered her to “pray the gay away.” What a bunch of nonsense, right? No wonder the pop star’s latest single “Chained to the Rhythm” included so many little political jabs. When Perry performed the song at the Grammy’s she even wore a pantsuit in support of Hillary Clinton. Thank goodness, there was still some cleavage popping through though. There’s still hope.
9. Kat Dennings, 36DD
Kat Dennings has one of the most abrasive voices on television, but her dry delivery and expert timing is what makes the jokes work on 2 Broke Girls. The show is raunchy comedy at its best. It’s like Two and a Half Men have passed the torch to their female successor. Instead of Charlie Sheen and Jon Cryer making the thinly veiled sexual references, it’s Kat Dennings and Beth Behrs. As a student of breast evaluation, it’s an interesting lesson to see the two actresses on the show wearing the exact same uniform. We can obviously see some major differences up top. Beth is a 32A, whereas Kat is a 36DD. But what do the sizes mean? Actually, I looked it up and it’s confusing as hell. Just watch 2 Broke Girls and try to make your own conclusions.
8. Beyonce, 32C
I’m not sure what happened with Beyonce. Maybe it was Jay Z’s idea, because she has been showing her cleavage way more than she used to back when Destiny’s Child was banging. Perhaps, her breasts got bigger, and that’s why her fashion shift occurred. After having a baby many women experience a temporary enlargement of the mammaries. Sometimes that swelling goes away after the baby is done feeding, but in other cases, the breasts stay larger than they ever were before. So maybe Beyonce had the latter situation happen, but then she forgot to tell her tailor. So all these dresses and outfits keep coming in with the old breast size, and the new post-baby breasts are just spilling out the top. Beyonce’s bust is bigger than ever now that she is pregnant with twins.
7. Kim Kardashian West, 34D
Kim Kardashian is an inspiration to her husband Kanye West. He lovingly calls her his “perfect b!tch.” He raps from the heart, and here’s what he says: “I want to dip that a** in gold, I want to dip that ass in gold / I made it over NBA, NFL players / So every time I score it’s like the Super Bowl. Baby, we should hit the south of France / So you could run around without them pants.” It’s interesting that he failed to mentioned her other assets, up top. Kim’s breasts always do seem to be overshadowed by her large rear end, but the twins deserve some credit too, right? Her hourglass figure has an ideal balance, which could not be achieved with tiny boobs. Her breasts are surely the unsung hero of a largely butt-based career.
6. Jessica Simpson, 32D
Jessica Simpson is still around, you know? It’s like she disappeared for a while, but now she’s back and she’s still really hot. Thanks to social media, the blond bombshell has made a bit of a comeback, and she has her beautiful bosom to thank. Simpson left the spotlight for a while to pursue other interests outside the entertainment realm. Jessica got married, had kids and developed a billion dollar fashion industry. But now the kids are older, and the business is in line, so it’s time to show off that body. Remember when Jessica was on Newlyweds and asked if canned tuna was chicken? That quote took place in August of 2003, nearly 15 years ago. How time does fly. But Jessica still looks the same, pretty much.
5. Kaley Cuoco, 34C
Kaley Cuoco has made a career out of her role as Penny on The Big Bang Theory. And now that the show is beginning to wear out its welcome, the star has fired back with her sexiest body ever. This girl is always working out, and wearing barely anything to yoga class. In the paparazzi shots as well as the magazine shoots, and the red carpets, Kaley has been revealing more flesh than ever before. It says online that Kaley’s a 34C, and that’s due to implants, which she has openly admitted. But exactly how big is that? Well, bra sizes are super complex, but here’s my best take on it. The number is the circumference of the body under the breast, like a dude’s waist size. Then the letter corresponds to a fruit: A-Lemon; B-Orange; C-Grapefrut, D-Melon. That’s about as scientific as it gets.
4. Scarlett Johansson, 34DD
Scarlett Johansson has some of the best breasts around, and although she’s not present on social media, she still leads many lists as the all-time boob master. She looks great and has those sultry eyes and lips to round out her hotness trifecta. Have you seen that Ghost in the Shell trailer? My lord, the commercial keeps airing over and over, and each time, it looks like Scarlett is going to whip her boobs out. Then suddenly all we see is this weird silver bodysuit, with these strange mechanical lines cut around the breasts. Then we must decide, is that attractive? It takes less than a second, and the answer is yes, but the silver suit is still jarring. Scarlett recently hosted SNL to promote her latest flick, and the best scene by far was the Olive Garden commercial skit. The director kept asking his actors, including Scarlett, for more, more more. Predictably, the plot build ended with some comical “O” sounds and faces, which were all pretty hilarious.
3. Kate Upton, 34DD
Double d’s? We have no idea what that means. If one D is a melon, then is two a bigger melon? There are a lot of different sizes of melons, after all. Whoever decided to quantify breast size faced an impossible task. Bras get a letter and a number, but there are supposedly millions of women walking around in ill fitted discomfort. Maybe such discomfort is why Kate Upton usually goes with a bikini instead. She has the hottest bikini body. Those softer fabrics seem less constrictive too, and look much more attractive, especially when wet. Upton has had a great modelling career since busting onto the scene back in 2010 when she was chosen as the face of Guess Jeans. The following year she made the cover of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue and it’s been all Kate from then on. Upton came from a wealthy upbringing, attended catholic school and raced on horses as an equestrian. No wonder she did that photoshoot naked on a horse. It’s all making sense now.
2. Sofia Vergara, 36DD
Ah, Sofia Vergara. She has got to be one of the most beautiful women on television. That’s why they pay her the big bucks. She’s been the highest paid actress on TV for several years now. The interesting thing about that fact is that even though she makes tons of cash, she is still kind of treated like crap. Sure she walks around flaunting her breasts on Modern Family, but her part isn’t even that big, or important, when it comes to many of the conflicts on the show. Then, have you ever seen her on any awards shows? She goes up on stage to present and producers always write some stupid immigrant cliche script, like she just came to America an hour ago. Not cool, Hollywood. Get with the times. It’s time Sofia had her very own movie, and her own TV show. The only contract stipulation would be tight fitting clothes and lots of cleavage.
1. Rihanna, 32B
Rihanna has the smallest cup size on the entire list, and that’s okay. Just because they aren’t as big as melons doesn’t mean you can’t show them off. And that’s precisely what Rihanna loves to do. Remember the CFDA fashion awards outfit that was completely see-through? I have no idea what the CFDA is, but I remember every square inch of that gown. Then at another gala a few months later, Beyonce and Kim Kardashian show up with see-through stuff. Come on ladies, don’t even try to keep up. Rihanna is the trend-setter supreme, especially when it comes to showing off the twins. The best part is, there seems to be no end in sight. Unlike many other stars who try the see-through thing and then rarely do it again, Rihanna keeps revealing her breasts time after time, after time.
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