Guys are gross. It’s not a question. Civilization has meant some compromise in the best interests of living together in closer and closer quarters and all, but our true, animal nature comes out whenever the circumstances are right. That’s not a comment on personal style in any form. An individual guy can be messy or a neat freak; he can be meticulously dressed every day or a slob through and through. All of that is just what you see on the surface.
The truth of it is, from the smoothest of silk-suited corporate types to the carefully bearded hipster to the slovenly college kid living in a dorm layered with pizza boxes and empty beer bottles, all males will exhibit certain unsavory behaviors that will emerge during those moments when they find themselves alone. It won’t matter if he’s married or in a live-in relationship, there will be stolen moments when a man indulges in certain pleasures, questionable and even unspeakable practices – and we’re not talking about sex! Or, not all the time anyhow.
Some of those behaviors are frankly just grotesque. If they’re pointed out or brought to light, there will be shame and rightly so…until everyone’s gone and then it will begin again. Some, though, are just odd. We’re not sure what to make of them, even if they’re nearly universal. And yes, the ladies do have their own gross secrets, but that’s a whole other list. For the brave – if you can really handle the truth, here’s a look at gross stuff guys do.
As sure as a boy grows into a man, he’ll develop the habit of cupping his gonads at every given opportunity. Alone watching TV? It’s automatic, so much so that some guys are known to surprise friends of all sexes by reflexively slipping the hand into the shorts over a casual evening of Netflix and chill. It’s not a sexual thing, which is something most women don’t understand. It’s just somehow vaguely comforting. Probably, over the centuries of evolution, our primitive male-equipped ancestors – quite rightly – developed a certain amount of anxiety over the state of their junk. Animal skins, togas, and loincloths don’t offer a whole lot of protection, and as you get older and skin loses its elasticity…you get the picture, and it’s not a pretty one. So, that sense of comfort and well-being that comes from knowing they are secured by your very own hands is pretty much hard-wired into anyone who sports male junk. That’s our story, and we’re sticking to it.
14. Kleenex Optional
We can find excuses for a lot of things, but this one is frankly grotesque…and very common. If there’s no one around, even the slickest dude in a thousand dollar suit will hork a loogie in a deserted alley. That’s it. Guys see the use of tissues as an optional kind of deal. When they’re alone in the shower, they’ll full on blow their nose in their hands and then let the water take care of it. What? They emerge from the shower sparkling clean, and we’d like to point out that they’ve saved at least a tree or two over a lifetime of this behavior. What’s the problem? There is one caveat for the ladies who like to surprise their man (men) in the shower – something that clearly should be encouraged. It’s probably best to listen in before hopping into the shower stall, and then wait a few minutes for the stream to clear if you hear that telltale horking sound.
13. Open Door Policy
This is something we’re including mainly as a public service message for women, in case they’ve never experienced this kind of behavior before. Living alone, a man really has no boundaries. Clothing will be optional, and there will be an open door policy that extends to the bathroom. The truth of it is, men aren’t ashamed of their bodily functions at all. Quite the contrary – they’re pretty proud of them. Taking a dump is yet another occasion to measure their manhood. How big is it? How spectacularly gross? A man will pause to admire the results of what he ate the day before, just before it spirals down the toilet. Now, men who’ve lived with women know enough to keep that sort of thing under wraps and behind closed doors. But, extreme caution is advisable in the case of men who’ve lived alone (or in a dorm with other men) for too long, and have lost any filter on this kind of behavior. To the women: Do NOT let this kind of thing go, not even once. Once the bathroom door is left open, the next step is inviting you to share in his admiration, and if that happens once, the game is over. You’ll never see him the same way again. Don’t say you haven’t been warned.
12. Writing Their Names In The Snow
Anatomy obviously plays a lot into gross behavior in various ways. There’s no other way of describing this one – guys like to direct the flow. There’s a peculiar kind of pride, a rush even, that occurs when a guy is able to produce bubbles in the white porcelain bowl, especially if he can cover the whole toilet bowl with froth. That’s a favorite way of indulging this fetish that works indoors, and that you can get away with even at work or at a public washroom. Not that we’re condoning this kind of behavior. A variation: flushing mid-stream and then racing to see if they can finish before the bowl empties. Writing names in the snow is just the beginning. Once a guy is outdoors, all bets are off – target practice on nearby shrubbery, temporary graffiti in an alleyway, nothing is off limits. And, if it’s a pit stop on a road trip with the boys, there will be competitive peeing. Longest stream, best control, best reproduction of Picasso’s Guernica in the pristine, freshly fallen snow; this is a skill set that women really know nothing about. It’s about self expression and creativity. Obviously.
11. Kitchen, Bathroom, Whatever
Toilets are made of porcelain, right? And so are bathroom sinks, usually. Porcelain, or vitreous china, we’ll have you know, is waterproof and impervious. It is baked and glazed to a hard finish, meaning it does not absorb bacteria or liquids. That’s why you can use a toilet for years and just scrub it once in a while. Hopefully. So it follows…what’s wrong with peeing in the sink the odd time? It gives men another opportunity to test their aiming abilities when they go for the drain. Ditto stainless steel, or the kitchen sink, in other words. No germs there. And, it’s not like anyone’s eating out of the sink, right? Now, if a man is peeing in the kitchen sink while it’s full of dishes, er, well he’s going to wash the dishes, we’re assuming. Or somebody will. Or, they could just get take-out. Sink, shmink. No one’s ever died of it, not as far as we know. So just chill out, okay?
10. Mop, Sock, Underwear – It’s All The Same
A video game is waiting in the living room, and dinner’s ready in the microwave. A guy is carrying a plate with the microwave dish, and he’s distracted thinking up his next strategy for Halo, and next thing you know, some of the meal slops on the floor. What’s the easiest way out? Men like to think logically, so what’s closest to the floor already, and is made of generally thick, absorbent material? Socks, of course! It all makes so much sense when you think about it. With a quick wipe of the foot, the spill is gone, and our man can continue on to dinner and another Halo battle. The only place that sock is going is inside a shoe where no one will see it anyway. If no socks are available, or the mess is too much for one foot, men will use dirty underwear, t-shirts, whatever is handy to mop up. This business of having set rags and cloths specifically for cleaning is an unnecessary complication, and the washer cleans everything up just fine.
9. Toothpaste In The Sink Is Forever
So a guy is brushing his teeth, and a little bit of the toothpaste drips down into the sink. Is that really reason enough to clean and scrub the sink? Of course not. So, the dab of toothpaste sits there, and sits there, and eventually it hardens and becomes part of the sink. Where’s the harm in that? Toothpaste is clean, it’s not some horrible, gross material. If the sink and the toothpaste are both white, then so much the better. Frankly, most men don’t see the need for scrubbing the bathroom sink, like, ever. It’s never going to stay shiny clean for very long, and the products you use in the bathroom sink are all like toothpaste – clean, maybe even good for you. It’s not like anyone’s peeing…well, even if someone pees in the sink every now and then, the toothpaste would actually be an improvement. The only time to worry about it is during the first day or so when the toothpaste will get all gummy and sticky. After that, it’s all good.
8. Lax Laundry Habits
Does anyone really launder their underwear after each, single day of wear? Sure, lots of people will claim to, but especially if they’re male, they’re probably lying. A quick visual inspection lets you know if those white briefs have any really awful stains, (just a little is okay, right?). If the room is dark, then your nose can be your guide. That’s right ladies, men will actually sniff underwear to see if it’s okay to wear another day. Laundry is often optional. Towels that smell a little damp and musty? They only touch the body for a few seconds anyway. When it comes to sheets and pillow cases, really, if they’re not actually crusty, there’s no need to wash them. And jeans? What are you supposed to do when you wear them every single day? And it’s not like they have dirt stains on them. Or not many. When you think about it, the average guy probably saves gallons and gallons of water, and puts so much less wastewater into already over burdened sewer systems. It’s not gross – it’s green.
7. Enjoying The Stink
Unlike women, most men actually enjoy foul smells, especially the ones that emanate from their own bodies. We’re not talking about anything out of the ordinary, just good old fashioned man musk. There’s that gamey odor that just happens by itself when a guy doesn’t shower for a day or three or four. If nothing special is on the agenda for the week, why shower, seriously? When a woman works out, she’ll shower at the gym, or first thing when she gets home. When a guy comes back home from a run or hitting the gym, he likes to revel in it for a while, enjoying the stink in the car on the way home. Once he’s home, what’s the hurry? Sitting on the couch to enjoy a beverage, maybe even curling up for a nap first, all the better to wallow in the gaminess of it all. A warning: if you sleep in the same bed as such a man, you should at least try to get him to nap on the couch rather than infuse the bedclothes with his manly scent.
6. Call The Health Department
Everyone knows about the five second rule – that if you drop food on the floor, if you pick it up within five seconds, it’s still okay to eat. The germs aren’t that fast, so as long as you’re quick, you’re okay. It turns out the science on this is a little fuzzy. On one hand, foods can become contaminated with bacteria like E. coli within a second or two of exposure. But, on the other hand, floors aren’t typically nearly as contaminated as you’d think. That pretty much justifies the fact that most men will extend that five seconds to as much as 30. No biggie, just pick it up and carry on. Dust is mostly protein anyway, so we’ve heard, (but you don’t want to know where that protein comes from). Men will extend that kind of relaxed philosophy to dishes too. If a plate comes out of the dishwasher with a bit of food stuck on it, then that’s what fingernails were made for. Scratch, scratch, and the plate is good to go.
5. Bodily Hair
Women just don’t understand the big deal about men, their bodily hair, and their seeming inability to contain it. Women shave too, and that’s where the confusion comes from. But we have to point out, women don’t usually have dark, persistent hairs that become visible by the end of the day. Nor does their personal style depend on said fast-growing hairs. Beards are in style, and they require just as much care to keep stylin as a baby smooth face. That’s why a typical bearded guy’s bathroom sink is perpetually dusted with beard trimmings. Ditto the bathroom floor, the toilet seat, the spot in the hallway in front of the mirror, maybe even the car from that time he tried to get the goatee under control on the way to a date. Hey, at least he’s making an effort to be well-groomed. Just watch where you step and keep your shoes on.
There are men out there who have air fresheners, or air freshening devices, in their homes that they actually bought themselves. But, we’re inclined to think that is learned behavior when the evidence points so heavily in the other direction. Take farts. The more horribly they reek, the more a guy is proud of them. Any embarrassment is put on for show, for the sake of any women present. If it’s just the boys, a guy will be eager to share and compare. Maybe even rate. As many women have witnessed, if a guy lets one rip in bed, he likes to capture it in the sheets, and sometimes waft it through the room to get maximum exposure. Medicine is on his side – at least as far as letting it rip goes. Farting is just releasing air and gas that is produced when you eat and digest foods. Not farting can make you feel bloated and can even result in a distended colon over time. In this case, women can take a page out of the men’s book and learn to enjoy what comes naturally.
3. Adjusting The Junk
A man’s junk takes up a lot of time and attention. Some would say way too much time and attention. But, some of it is inevitable. For instance, wear a business suit or even tight jeans on a hot day, and there’s a good possibility of genital to thigh adhesion. He’s walking down the street and it all gets stuck. What’s a man to do? Most of them have developed various ways and means, from a a funny sideways crab-like step that he hopes will dislodge the various parts and leave him free to walk on in peace to a furtive hand down the pants, often followed by a sniff of the fingers to check on what’s happening down there. On that note, it’s probably best to keep hand sanitizer on hand if the occasion calls for shaking any man’s hand in the summer.
2. Eating On The Throne
Even if the bathroom is a disaster, you haven’t actually gotten any contamination on you until you touch it directly. That’s the theory behind the widespread practice of eating on the throne, one shared and endorsed in secret by many men. Sure, it would be gross if you set your burger down on the bathroom floor while you got into the position, so to speak, and then picked it up to chomp down. But, if you walk in with the burger, use only the other hand to unzip, and then quickly plop down, what harm is done if you simply continue to enjoy your meal while other business is being done? It’s called multitasking. Now, once you’ve sat down, burger in hand, you’re pretty much committed to the duration, however long it takes to scarf down your dinner, for reasons that we hope are obvious and don’t require explanation.
1. Public Wood
Women really do have it easier in some ways. A girl sees a super hot guy, even flirts with him, or reads one of those Fifty Shades books on the subway, she could be getting horny as hell and you’d never know it from the outside. One of the rites of passage of manhood is figuring out how to deal with sometimes inconvenient genitalia that might sprout wood at any given time with the right sort of stimulus. By the time he’s hit his 20s, most guys have developed a range of strategies on how to deal with these situations, from flexing calf muscles (seriously, it’s supposed to work) to thinking about grandma. Still, there is always that rare occasion when it happens, there’s nothing to be done about it…except deal with it. Just about every adult male has a story about that time he had to sneak into a public bathroom or secluded corner of a parking to relieve himself. It’s not creepy – sometimes, it’s the only way to deal with the situation.
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