Well here it is! Certainly not enough people have been trash talking the Kardashians in recent months, so here are fifteen frightening photos of the crazy clan. Sure they may not all seem too bad off the top, but even a bit of a surface glance of these photos is enough to really cause wonder and worry. If not for them personally, than for society as a whole.
Sure, the Kardashian family has seen its share of scandal with Kim’s sex tape, and Caitlyn’s transmogrification from man to woman, and of course don’t forget Khloe’s great big change from fat to fantastic. But all of this media hype has done nothing but energize the juggernaut that is this ridiculous family, and their mass of minions.
If one ever wondered just what is wrong with the world that this reality television “first family” of America came to rise to such popularity… perhaps the question should be turned inward. Or maybe one just need have a little bit of a laugh at the photos below. The saying goes: If you can’t beat celebrities, provide mass media coverage making fun of them.
15. The Ghost Of Kylie Jenner…
The photo above, as said, was Kylie Jenner. This… is apparently what is left of Kylie Jenner. What, in goodness’ name happened to this poor woman? The thickness of the makeup has even increased… or at the very least it just so happens that she applies the same amount of makeup, dyed her hair, and has lost a lot of colour from her actual skin. She does indeed look like a ghost here though. For sure this author has seen less scary villains in horror films. It does not help, in anyway, that all Jenner is wearing in this photo does nothing but emphasize her incredibly pallid complexion. But hey, at least she’s paying attention to what’s in front of her, instead of looking at her phone. That could be pretty scary, crossing a parking lot. Another scary part about this, is that she looks pretty content about the incredible emaciation of her body. It makes one wonder about the mental fortitude of reality celebrities of this ilk.
14. For Better Or Worse?
Kourtney… please… let us know: is the initial photo supposed to scare viewers more or less than the filtered photo? Perhaps this is an issue that effects each member of the so-called Kardashian clan, but it seems as though Kourtney is more than ready to eat someone in the left-hand photo. Maybe this is what changed Kylie and Khloe? An unfathomable hunger, overcome by incredible emaciation at the hand of… hopefully nothing but healthy eating and working out (though one must assume the worst with celebrities). What’s sort of more terrifying than the hungry left-hand photo is that the ridiculous right-hand photo makes Kourtney look much better. Maybe it’s the addition of a nerd-you-always-wanted-to-nail, high school sort of feel, but the photo to the right, in spite of the disproportionate eyes, is frighteningly more attractive that the photo to the left.
13. Please Don’t Lose Anymore
Ok, so it is more than clear that Kourtney didn’t wear a bra the day this photo was taken. It also seems like she didn’t wear much of anything else. Which, this author must apologize to any fans, is quite frightening. Of all of the Kardashian clam, Kourtney is certainly not the one gifted with the greatest looks. True, she looks better in this photo than the previous, but walking out in nothing but a hoodie… seemingly absolutely nothing but a hoodie… it makes one worried for a far less attractive Marilyn Monroe, skirt-meets-wind moment. What might not have entered reader’s minds yet, it might also be scary that there is an ominously tall, unknown man, creeping behind her. It could be her boyfriend, or her bodyguard… or maybe just a general member of her entourage but, to just look at the photo, it does seem like this Kardashian is about to get a surprise she does not want. So which is scarier? The thought of that crime? Or the certain crime against fashion?
12. Beauty Regimen?
Ok, this is probably simultaneously the scariest and sexiest photo in the whole article. Perhaps one should go from right to left on this one. So to the right of the photo, apparently it takes several hours to get the makeup just right on Kim Kardashian’s face… that should come as no surprise to anyone though, really. But all the same… hours. There is someone else this author can think of who took hours to get his makeup done… Robert Englund, the actor who played Freddy Krueger in A Nightmare On Elm Street. The second part of this photo (and the sexiest… though still frightening), is the centre section that demonstrates just how much pain Kim will put herself through to get the look she wants. What is that on her bountiful breasts? Gaffers tape… not sure if any reader has used gaffers tape before, or had it stuck to their skin… but it can hurt to take off. Kim uses is it on her breasts to keep them in the position she wants… OUCH! Speaking of pain, that is indeed blood in the left-most panel of the photo. A so-called ‘blood facial’ where Kim is stabbed by several needles at a time, opening up not only her pores, but several layers of skin. This apparently really helps… and Kim Kardashian now scares this author.
11. Where Does Makeup End And Skin Begin?
Kylie Jenner is clearly having a moment here… about what? No one is quite sure. It might have something to do with her trying to remember just where the makeup ends and actual skin begins. Perhaps she’s thinking of a happier time, back when she recalled what her actual face looked like? Regardless, one is confused as to whether or not the lighter parts of her skin are indeed splotches of highlight makeup, or some strange light bathing her from above (one is inclined to say it’s the makeup). And let’s say it was some light from above, shining on to her face… the boss man can’t be shining down from above to say anything good. Aside from the drawn on eyebrows, and patchy makeup, at least one can say of Kylie that it is from when she was at least healthy looking. As one will note in the photo directly below, something horrible clearly happened to Kylie (though likely self-imposed) in a not-too-long expanse of time. But back to the photo above… it’s almost as though Kylie is actually a latex appliance for a Hollywood film… horror film, most likely.
10. Cancer Can’t Be Licked Away…
So besides the terror of having to see Kanye West licking the top of Kim Kardashian’s chest… That sunburn says a number of things. First off, it’s a reminder of those gigantic wayfarer sunglasses she wears (likely Ray-Bans). Secondly, it says something a little more frightening for Kim, than for anyone else… skin cancer is indeed a real, and awful thing. Given the amount of terrifying care Kim seems to give her skin, baking one’s self in the sun is perhaps not the best way to go about treating one’s skin. Even worse still, imagine the additional pain those needles to her face for her ‘blood facial’ would be with this burn. Even worse than that, imagine how much skin would peel after having gaffers tape strapping her breasts all day? One shudders at the thought. But certainly the two most frightening aspects of this photo are prospective cancer, and the fact that Kanye West is even in the photo to begin with…
9. She Actually Looks Like A Vase!
Ok, this cannot just be the opinion of this author… Kim Kardashian looks like a vase here. She actually looks lie a vase, and it is actually, surprisingly terrifying. This looks like the kind of photo that Lady GaGa would do. It’s just the right amount of bizarre, sort of alluring, and terrifyingly surreal thing she would do. But to see Kim Kardashian, it looks as though one could uncork this vase-looking-thing from the belt, and… one doesn’t know what could be done with that. The dead, vacant gaze aside, it is more than interesting to note just how gigantic this photo makes Kim’s hips look. Now, part of that odd beauty regimen a few entries above, is also several layers of body suits, in order to hold everything in place, in just the right way for this crazy Kardashian… perhaps she added one too many layers for this shot? Remember the camera adds ten pounds… which makes that ‘Ghost Of Kylie Jenner’ photo far more frightening to think about.
8. What Is Hilton Thinking?
Alright so the only scary thing about Kim in this one is just how messed up she is on booze… and who knows what else. And maybe the reasoning for her holding a little stuffy while dancing with Paris Hilton could be a bit terrifying, but let’s brush that aside. The truly terrifying part of this photo is the seemingly knowing look on Paris Hilton’s face. Now yes, both of these women have had their own sex tapes, with their own men, but are people sure that there isn’t a Hilton/Kardashian sex tape hanging around in someone’s video collection right now? It really does look like Hilton has a plan for Kim that involves something a little more untoward than she might be expecting. Kourtney may have looked hungry in one of the previous photos above, but likely hungry for a Twinkie. Paris Hilton looks hungry for flesh… and since readers now know that Kim regularly bleeds herself, maybe that’s why Hilton is so creepily excited.
7. Khloe After…
Speaking of adding ten pounds, imagine what Khloe here would look like in real life, if this already thin face is what makes the final shot. Now imagine what she was like before her body positive show, all about average-to-larger people seeking revenge on the people who made fun of them for being fat. Readers, of course there is no imagination necessary: one can see the before shot below. But sticking with the above photo first, it is incredibly odd that while Kim Kardashian, yes thanks to many hours and layers of makeup, is often well tanned-looking (bronzed to all hell, or burnt to a crisp), it seems that several of her sisters are either very anemic, or are actually reanimated corpses of larger people who used to function properly on this Earth. This family is indeed a mystery. With those drawn on eyebrows, and overwhelmingly red lipstick, Khloe looks like she either had just seen a ghost, or is herself a ghost.
6. Khloe Before…
Oh but here’s the before photo. Now yes, many men will surely say they prefer the after photo, and that’s fine if a man’s preference is nailing something that looks the closest to death without being illegal, but at least here, Khloe has some meat on her bones, and some colour too. Granted, a lot of that colour is the rather wanton amount of rouge on her cheeks, but it is colour all the same. Perhaps the most terrifying thing about this photo is that the girl in it is somehow a Kardashian. One wouldn’t expect that, but to see the after photo and finally understand the head mess that is part and parcel a Kardashian. Maybe not frightening, but the saddest part of her before and after photos is that the only reason Khloe got fit (or at least dropped a ton of weight — however she chose to do it) is because of people making fun of her. And then she did what Kardashians do, and turned that ridicule into a TV show, where others can cry about their hurt feelings, and then sweat their asses off until they’re fit. If the only reason one is losing weight is because of emotional abuse… then surround one’s self with better people!
5. Which Is Worse?
So here they are side by side. Wow. It’s incredible how not all that bad Khloe looked before miraculously (and surely only through healthy means) dropped all that weight. She lost inches galore (but somehow maintained those breasts – because that’s what counts with celebrities)! Her pallid complexion in the after photo is still very reminiscent of the ghost of Kylie Jenner though. And sure, she might look more McCarthy than Kardashian in the before photo, but she’s got colour, curves, and eyes and lips that seem to express based on Khloe’s feelings. The after photo looks a bit more… closed? In the way that some specific injections might render one’s face somewhat immovable, and closed off from expression. Sure, she’s doubled up on the makeup as well, so that explains the eyes disappearing, but there is something more about the cut of her cheeks, and the purse of her lips that say two words… cosmetic… surgery.
4. Why Is She Ok With This?
Speaking of really creepy people slinking about a photo… It makes one think that Kim Kardashian is simply keeping a brave face on, saying goodbye to her family, as this crazed man takes her away, to do who knows what. Realistically, this overwhelmingly frightening guy is Kim Kardashian’s main bodyguard, Pascal Duvier… or rather, one should say, was Kim Kardashian’s main bodyguard. After being robbed in Paris (even though Duvier was sent to escort Kourtney and Kendall), Kim and Kanye (what is with all of the damn ‘K’ names?) dropped Duvier, and reassessed their security detail. One might be terrified to have a man like this as head of one’s security team… so imagine what one might feel like after having let go someone so terrifying. And someone who knows the ins and outs of the Kardashian family routine? With a guard like that, who needs stalkers? And with a former guard like that… one should be afraid of stalkers.
3. What Is Wrong With This Porcelain Doll?
The most frightening thing about Kendall Jenner is how absolutely un-frightening she seems… and that is indeed frightening. Of course besides the fact that she looks a bit like a porcelain doll (with no idea of what emotions are in this photo), she is comparatively normal as normal can be, with regards to her sisters. Of course, given her line of work, the vapid, emotionless, doll face makes absolute sense. She is what Vogue calls an “Instagirl”: chosen to be a model based on not just her looks, but her social media presence. The fame afforded her by the ridiculous reality television of Keeping Up With The Kardashians, has given her ample opportunity to grab hold of that “Instagirl” career. What’s terrifying is there are almost sixty nine million people out there who care enough to follow her on social media. Now granted, a portion of those will be bots, another portion will be women who wish they could be her; some will be those who bought into reality TV way too early in life… and a good sweep of followers will be those men who just want to see some hot photos every day. Kendall can hope that most of these guys look nothing like Pascal Duvier, or else she might have other things to worry about than looking pretty.
2. Which Is Scarier?
Remember all that talk about Kendall being really pretty? Well guess who features on the left panel of this photo… that’s right: a very heavily-edited, and very off-putting Kendall Jenner. One can only assume a bad hair day, or some sort of acne day was occurring since, other than the basic filter (and some drool), her body remains unscathed by the editing process. Kylie here was clearly out for some fun on that particular Halloween. Now think all the way back to that ghostly shot of her, and compare it with the twig seen here. And let’s be honest, Kylie hardly needed a costume for Halloween… she already looked like a ghost of the person she once was. And Kourtney is the pale one on the right. Though one must really pity the groom in this case. So a drooling goth, a twig in chaps, and a corpse bride walk into a bar… Oh, of course, it’s the Kardashians!
1. The “First Family”?
So in the end, after all the scandal, and sexploitation; after all the drama, and douchebaggery, the Kardashians, back in 2015, were named America’s “first family”. Now that is terrifying. Of course this was claimed by Cosmo, and there is no real journalism done in the magazine, so that’s hardly an issue but… the statement caused such a stir, that it seems they were right. Everyone had an opinion, everyone could weigh in, and everyone knew more about the Kardashians than the then first family of the Obamas. What’s frightening here is that even the Huffington Post had it right: “Love or hate them, the Kardashians embody what our country has come to represent to the rest of the world; vanity and excess.” And aren’t those the very things that have been creeping all the way down the entries of this article? Dabbling in self-mutilation for beauty, showing as much skin as possible just to be clickbait, it’s no wonder this ‘first family’ eventually opened the doors to the current one. Vanity and excess… making American great again!