Scoring with a celebrity ranks at the top of many bucket lists. And really, it’s the perfect goal to crush before leaving this earth. Sure, skydiving is a rush, and seeing all seven wonders of the ancient world would be an experience to remember. But anyone with money and a little chutzpah can pull those off. Getting a hot celebrity out of her underwear takes talent. You’re talking about chicks who have their choice of any guy they want. Think about it. Right now, the world’s population stands at just over 7 billion. Which means, roughly 3.5 billion dudes are wandering the earth. And at least 3.49 billion of them would get horizontal with Jennifer Aniston if they had the chance. Being the guy who stands out among that sea of men is the accomplishment of a lifetime.
Let’s be real about it. If you want to score with a celebrity, the numbers are against you. No reason to beat around the bush. It’s supply and demand. A Mickey Mantle rookie card is worth $500,000 because only a few of them exist and there are millions of baseball fans who’d love to get their hands on one. But the card of some no-name who bats .206 is worthless. That’s because there are more of them in circulation than people who want them. Scoring works the same way. It’s easy to bed a desperate barfly. More of them are out there compared to dudes who actually want to sleep with them. But many, many more dudes want to score with celebrities than there are celebrities to score with.
If you’re still up for the challenge, I can help improve your odds. I took the 50 hottest female celebrities (determined by social media mentions), and based on their past love lives, came up with the 15 that regular guys have the best chance to score with.
15. Tomi Lahren
Having just gotten the big ugly ax from Glenn Beck, Tomi Lahren is down on her luck. The conservative firebrand needs a nice guy like you to swoop in and take her mind off her career woes. You probably can’t cruise up in a red “Make America Great Again” hat and get right down to business, but you have a better chance with her than with most hot celebrities. Tomi’s been in the spotlight for a couple years now but she hasn’t been linked to any Hollywood studs. The fact that she’s hot, blonde, and famous, but hasn’t been tempted by the Zac Efrons of the world, bodes well. Her love life is pretty much an enigma. You don’t hear much about it. She’s rumored to have dated a Navy SEAL before she got famous. Supposedly, he helped inspire much of her pro-military ideology. SEALs are total studs, but better to compete with one of them than with Ryan Gosling.
14. Amy Schumer
Why even mince words? Amy Schumer spreads easier than Skippy Natural. Stop with the Facebook fake outrage over that comment. It isn’t sl*t-shaming if the girl self-identifies as a sl*t. Schumer acts like she’s all about empowering women. But scroll back through her Twitter feed if you have some time. It’s filled with references and jokes about her promiscuity. She even got on the radio once and told a story about some finger action she received from a cab driver. So this chick definitely likes to get it on. And she doesn’t limit herself to A-list hunks. Play your cards right. I suggest playing up the women’s empowerment angle. Clearly that’s a big part of her image right now. Or at least she wants it to be. Direct a few Tweets her way about how uncool it is to denigrate women for their sexual choices. You never know. She might choose you next.
13. Paris Hilton
Like many famous-for-being-famous celebs, Paris Hilton rose to prominence with a s*x tape. The video was hot, but it was no Pam and Tommy. For one thing, they filmed it in the dark, and the night vision mode on cameras wasn’t great in 2003. So the entire video was sheathed in a weird green hue. Then, at one point during the action, Paris interrupted their romp to tend to her cellphone. Not cool. You could actually hear her partner, who happened to be the ex-husband of 90210‘s Shannen Doherty, exclaim, “F— your phone!” But Paris is hot enough that I can forgive her for being a distracted lover. And evidence exists she’s down for sleeping with Regular Joes. You might recall the terrible reality show, The Simple Life, that she did with her pal Nicole Richie. It took place in a small town in Arkansas, and apparently, at least one townie scored with Paris while she was there.
When it comes to Rihanna‘s love life, the most salient item is her ill-fated romance with Chris Brown. Brown, according to the rumor mill, packs a wallop not only with his fists but also below the belt. That might explain how he continues to hook up with hot chicks (e.g., Rita Ora) despite being known as an abuser. But Rihanna doesn’t limit herself to well-hung R&B stars. Her other rumored lovers include ASAP Rocky (who?), Wilmer Valderrama (huh?) and Shia LaBoeuf (LOL). She also had an alleged fling with Josh Hartnett. But this wasn’t in 2002 when Hartnett did Black Hawk Down and chicks everywhere wanted him. It was a decade later, after he had become a weird recluse who occasionally pops up at comic book conventions. The evidence is clear that Rihanna’s standards are as liberal as MSNBC’s politics. If she’ll score with a guy who calls himself ASAP Rocky, why not you?
11. Jennifer Lopez
While the J-Ho sobriquet is timeworn, the fact remains—Jennifer Lopez gets around. Pull up a list of her dating history if you don’t believe me. But make sure you’re on a fast internet connection. Otherwise, the page will take all day to load. Her high-profile romances include Ben Affleck and P. Diddy (or Puff Daddy or Diddy or P. Duffy or whatever he’s calling himself now). But she’s also scored with dudes who aren’t famous for anything other than scoring with her. She was married to Ojani Noa in the 90’s. Supposedly, he’s an “actor” and “producer.” But I’ve never heard of him. That’s for certain. Her next marriage, from 2001 to 2003, was to Cris Judd. He was one of her backup dancers. Even her most well-known ex-husband, Marc Anthony, sits several rungs below her on the fame ladder. Apart from her marriages, she’s had tons of boyfriends and flings. They’ve ranged from A-list to unlisted.
10. Britney Spears
Britney Spears has had quite the career trajectory. She came out of nowhere as a teenager in the late 90’s. Suddenly, she was the hottest thing out. H*rny men everywhere were counting down to her 18th birthday. By 2004 or 2005, though, her songs had stopped charting so high, and she went through that weird mental breakdown phase. She shaved her head bald as a cue ball. She exited a limo spread eagle with no panties and showed the world her goods. In terms of her love life, she went from Justin Timberlake, coolest man alive, to Kevin Federline. And somewhere in there, she had a 72-hour just-for-fun marriage to a random dude in Louisiana. This is pure speculation, but I find it hard to believe the marriage wasn’t consummated. These days, Britney’s back on track. She’s hot again, and she seems mentally stable. She’s also staying out of the spotlight. Which could mean she’s seeking a normal, “nonfamous” dude.
9. Ronda Rousey
During summer 2015, this one would’ve been a lot tougher. Ronda Rousey might have been the hottest woman alive back then. She had just knocked out Cat Zingano in a record-breaking 14 seconds. Rumors were swirling that she was jonesing for a fight with Floyd Mayweather. And many pundits, including some seasoned boxing analysts, actually thought she could win. Then it all fell apart for her. Her next two fights were lopsided losses. She made them worse by running her mouth beforehand. The consensus on Ronda Rousey flipped from “total badass” to “total joke.” At her current trajectory, she’ll be a nobody by 2018. Which gives you the perfect opportunity to score with her while she’s still a celebrity. Let’s be real. No A-list dude wants to hitch his wagon to Ronda Rousey’s right now. So she’s going to have to settle for less. And she already has a history of dating guys who aren’t famous. Now’s your chance to step into the ring.
8. Mariah Carey
After a humiliating New Year’s Eve performance, Mariah Carey‘s stock is down. Here’s your chance to follow Warren Buffett‘s advice and invest in what others are shunning. Mariah’s dating history is all over the place. There are some studs scattered in there, like former Yankees slugger Derek Jeter. But then you have dudes like Flavio Briatore, the Italian businessman. Sure, he’s a billionaire. But have you seen the guy? The fact that she willingly got naked with him should give you tremendous hope. Word of warning: if you pursue Mariah, prepare to deal with some crazy sh*t. Eminem had a fling with her in the early 2000’s. Years later, she denied it happened. So the rapper put out a song “The Warning,” which dished the dirt. At the end of the track, he played snippets of voice mails she’d left him. The chick sounded mentally unstable.
7. Ariel Winter
Ariel Winter‘s hotness is as polarizing as Donald Trump‘s presidency. Some guys claim she’s the sexiest woman alive right now while others insist she wouldn’t stand out at the local Walmart. It doesn’t even matter which camp you’re in. She’s a bona fide celebrity, and scoring with her would boost your status at about a billion levels. You might be able to do it, too. She’s been on Modern Family for years, and her star power has steadily ascended during that time. But she hasn’t parlayed her status into relationships with A-list hunks. In fact, she stayed with her high school boyfriend instead. They were “on and off” for about three years, but appeared to have split for good in July 2016. Now she’s linked with some guy named Levi Meaden. He calls himself an actor. But you could film a 90-second skit for YouTube and be as famous as him. Ariel is totally yours for the taking.
6. Lady Gaga
Lady Gaga might be the biggest name on this list in terms of current status. She murdered it at the 2017 Super Bowl halftime. Everyone expected her to go political. Instead, she eschewed controversial topics and delivered a killer performance. And she has never looked hotter. Still, your chances are better than you might think. As famous as Gaga is, she doesn’t date for status. She has no interest in being the female half of power couples such as “Bennifer” or “Brangelina.” Although she’s notoriously private about her dating life, research reveals a colorful history of Bad Romance. From bar owners to small-time music producers, Gaga has no shortage of exes. And she’s not shy about her naughtier proclivities. In 2012, for instance, she expressed her love for s*x on the beach and she wasn’t talking about the drink.
5. Chelsea Handler
In 2005, Chelsea Handler penned a book titled My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands. You think maybe this chick likes to get down? Vivid stories depicting every s*xual situation imaginable fill the pages of her book. Granted, most of the encounters took place before she was famous but she’s been in the spotlight for years now and hasn’t been linked to many famous men. She dated 50 Cent in 2011. That might seem like tough competition. But other lovers of his have reported he’s poorly endowed and bad in bed. She also went on one date with semi-famous chef Bobby Flay. That’s pretty much it. So either she’s gone celibate since 2005, or she’s still getting her kicks with under-the-radar dudes. I’m guessing the latter. Chelsea doesn’t seem like the chaste type. She also wrote a book called Are You There, Vodka? It’s Me, Chelsea. Track her down at her favorite watering hole and deliver a smooth line, and you might have a chance.
4. Ariana Grande
Ariana Grande is another female celebrity who decries slut-shaming, but makes it clear she’s down to get down. In 2015, she posted a lengthy Twitter screed discussing her views on women’s issues. Among her concerns are the perception that men who score a lot are “studs” while women are “sluts.” She also hates that she can’t be seen with a male friend without people insinuating they “smashed.” Her most famous ex-boyfriend is Big Sean. He’s a rapper. His most popular song is “I Don’t F— With You.” It’s about a “little stupid a– b—-” that Sean doesn’t have time to “f— with” anymore. So that’s the level of talent you’re competing with. Now she’s dating Mac Miller, a five-foot-seven white rapper with more tattoos than talent. Based on her dating history, it’s clear Ariana undervalues herself in the market. Make a move before she realizes her true market value.
3. Iggy Azalea
Scoring with Iggy Azalea right now is like buying Fannie Mae stock after the housing crisis. Both Iggy and Fannie have illustrious pasts. But in 2012, following the mortgage meltdown, Fannie’s shares were trading for under a quarter each. Savvy investors gobbled up thousands of them. Now those shares are trading for $2.50 each. That’s 10 times more than investors who bought them five years ago paid for them. Iggy had her own meltdown in 2015 and 2016. So her stock is low to start 2017. Dudes who couldn’t score with her in 2014 when she was blazing hot, actually have a chance with her now. It might be a good investment. Rumor has it that she’s cleaning up her act and recording a new album to drop in 2017. If it tops the charts, Iggy’s a star again, and her recent troubles will be forgotten. No one will ever notice or even care that it was during her down period when you scored with her.
2. Christina Aguilera
Christina Aguilera went from good girl to “dirrrty” girl then back to good girl. But through it all, she opted to date everyday guys rather than A-list stars. Even after Enrique Iglesias spotted her on a dance floor in 1998 and initiated a round of tongue-rassling, Christina’s rep claims she didn’t go home with him. Her first love, she says, was her backup dancer Jorge Santos in 2002. Shortly thereafter, she married Jordan Bratman, a marketing executive. Talk about an “unglamorous” career. It gets better. She divorced Bratman in 2010, saying they were more like friends than lovers. Then she took up with…wait for it…a set assistant from a movie she was in. His name is Matthew Rutler. They’re engaged now and have a kid together. He’s not even particularly good-looking. They haven’t said “I do” yet, so you still have time to plead your case.
1. Sandra Bullock
Sandra Bullock will celebrate her 53rd birthday in July, but who cares? That chick will be sexy when she’s 90. And perhaps the hottest thing about her is how unpretentious she is. Sure, she’s dated Matthew McConaughey, as well as both Ryan Gosling and Ryan Reynolds, but she’s also shacked up with plenty of lower-tier dudes. Her only marriage was to Jesse James. He had his own reality show that dealt with motorcycle repair, but he was far from A-list. Plus, he was a total d-bag who cheated on her with anything in a skirt. Now she’s dating Bryan Randall, a freelance photographer from Los Angeles. She met him when she hired him to snap photos at her son’s birthday party in 2015. He’s a decent-looking guy. But the first Google Images search result for him shows him smoking indoors in a pair of ratty jeans. Yuck! Find a service you can provide for her, turn on the charm, and you might be her next beau.
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