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15 Craigslist Ads That Will Creep The Crap Out Of You

Entertainment

Once upon a time, a long time ago, Craigslist was used for trade, sales, free swag, a new apartment, or finding a new job immediately after getting booted from the last one. Over the years the Craigslist experience has evolved to seeking out casual encounters and tracking down the missed connection you had with that guy who you saw on aisle seven of the grocery store. Of course, let’s not forget the criminals who took advantage of unsuspecting people, the predatory perverts who lured buyers and sellers into dangerous situations, and the murderers who stalk through the site looking for their next victim (like the infamous and fittingly named Craigslist Killer).

There are people whose job it is to filter out inappropriate posts and ads on Craigslist. However, as quickly as the weird and inappropriate ones are deleted is about as fast as a new, more sensationally creepy one is being uploaded. The most disturbing posts come from those guys that offer room and board for “favors” that may or may not include sex on demand, or people who have off-the-wall requests without explanation. We combed through the internet to find some of the strangest Craigslist ads- from those that no one really knows about to the ones that were so strange that they made headlines and stunned the world. One thing’s for sure; after you read through these posts you’re going to want to quit the internet and never login again.

15. Pasta Bath

via youtube.com

If you’ve fallen on hard times — and by hard times I mean you’re in desperate need of a dollar — this ad could’ve made your day. Now, we’re sure that at some drunken time in your life you dreamed of bathing in a tub full of noodles, but once you became Sober Sandy that was just a silly thought that would never see reality. Until this Craigslist user came along and made all of your tequila-induced dreams come true. He also may be a serial killer who wants to eat you as you marinate in a bathtub filled with pasta:

“I will pay you $1 to sit in my bathtub full of noodles while you wear a one piece bathing suit. I will not be home, nor will anyone else while you do this. I will leave the key for you, and you will sit at your leisure. DO NOT bring any sauce. I will season the pasta after I return home prior to dinner.”

The question is, what kind of noodles, spaghetti or mostaccioli?

14. The Purse Snatcher

via www.dreamstime.com

Ah, romance. It isn’t often that we experience those butterflies-in-your-stomach moments with strangers that remind you of being in a cheesy romcom, but there are those times when fantasy meets reality. You know, like when you’re snatching someone’s purse but just for a second make eye contact:

“Tuesday night around 11:30. On 53rd btw 1st and 2nd. You came out of the subway and I followed you. You looked over your shoulder, saw me and started walking faster. I ran up, grabbed your arm, took your purse and ran away. I’ve done many a snatch-and-grab but no one has ever stuck in my mind like you. There was a quick moment when our eyes met that I felt something strong. I think you felt it too. If I wasn’t so shy (or so committing a crime) I would have asked your name. I, of course, later got your name from your driver’s license. So Jennifer if you’d like to get together for a drink sometime get back to me.”

“And maybe I’ll even return your purse!”

13. The Coachella Guy

via oxygen.com

via oxygen.com

 

The creepy Craigslist ad that has made the most waves in the media lately is the one recently posted by a man who wants to have the perfectly crafted Coachella experience. In his post on Craigslist, the potential predator says that he has VIP passes for the second weekend of Coachella and he’s willing to share the experience with the right young woman. He said he quit his job at the Soup Plantation, cashed in his 401K, rented a room in Indio, and is ready to have some fun — as long a woman between the ages of 19 to 25 fits his criteria. A few requests are (and we mean these are just a few):

“Must be female between the ages of 19 and 25. Must have fashionable sense of style in the vein of typical coachella goer (i.e. cute indian headband, small ripped jean shorts, lots of colorful bracelets, etc). Must keep hands and feet moisturized at all times. Must be ok with periodic hand-holding (perhaps during certain sensual songs and while walking into the festival initially). Fingernails and Toenails must be nicely painted and harmonious with general color scheme of outfit. Periodic moments of extended eye contact. Allow me to brush your hair once per day (not mandatory, but encouraged).”

“Must like music festivals more than is healthy.”

12. Scratch Lover

Being “tickled” by the tips of fingernails is a sensation that plenty of people love, but this person is so addicted to the feeling they felt the need to solicit a body scratcher on the internet. This guy is just an average dude not looking for anything kinky — well, nothing kinkier than paying a total stranger with long nails to lightly scratch his naked body. However, this offer isn’t for everyone because even this man has standards on who’s going to rub on his body:

“I’m a clean white normal professional male, Looking for sexy older woman with long clean nails to scratch my back and front while I am nude. Not looking for sex, just pleasurable non hurting scratching experience. I love to have my body scratched. Please no freaks or smokers.”

We like how he asks for “no freaks.”

11. Sell Your Socks!

People seeking out worn clothing isn’t anything special, but some folks have certain fetishes where they like to procure items that smell like the sweaty intimate parts of strangers. It’s something that is so popular that even Orange is the New Black used it as a part of their story line when the ladies created a business of selling used underwear online. For those that know how to work the system, they can make a pretty penny off of intimate clothing that they’ve worn for a few days and sell to people who like the stench of body funk. This Craigslist ad isn’t looking for panties, but they do want the items of their desire to be nice and worn in:

“Hello! I am a 30 year old male looking to buy your used socks, must be worn within the last couple of days. $50 for socks, $100 for shoes. No hook ups. If interested, please respond with “socks” in the header of the email. Thanks.”

That’s a foot fetish indeed!

10. Maids Needed

via pinterest

Working on Wall Street can keep anyone from paying close attention to their household cleaning duties, so reaching out to the online community to see if there are any maids looking for work isn’t a big deal. However, this person has a specific type of maid that he’s looking for: cute, female, and naked. Don’t worry, according to their post it won’t be strenuous work and there’s nothing potentially dangerous about wandering around a stranger’s home without any clothes on:

“Hey, I’m a finance professional working in Manhattan all day and I’m honestly too tired at night to clean stuff…sooo I’m just seeing if any cute girls would be down to come clean my apt naked..or topless…it’s not very dirty…just some dishes, folding laundry, sweeping and whatever…send a few pics and your hourly rate…can be a one time thing or a few hours like twice a week…thanks!”

But is he too tired to follow her around?

9. Sugar Baby For My Son

via taneasyprotools.com/

A good parent does their best to make sure their children are taken care of, but this person went above and beyond to make sure their son lost his virginity in the most carefully mapped out way possible. The son was described as being an 18-year-old high school senior who is a fit, handsome, varsity sports player. He’s never had a girlfriend and is socially awkward, so before he goes off to Harvard, the parent wanted him to have some experience with a girl:

“Here’s my plan. I’ll buy 4 tickets to some great concert coming up and give two to my son and 2 to you. He will know nothing about the other 2 tickets. He’ll go to the show with one of his buddies (no way he’ll take a girl, he’s too shy to ask them out) and you and your friend will be in the seats next to them. Now you spring into action, you start talking to him during the concert and eventually pick him up. Ask him to take you somewhere after and ditch your friends. Then you seduce him and take his virginity. Keep dating him (and showing him different sex positions) till he goes to college and then let him go gently so he’ll have the confidence to date other girls once he’s there. In return I’ll make your financial issues disappear. :) Please put your favorite type of car in the subject to show that you’re real. Thanks!”

“Please put ‘I can be easily bought’ in the subject line.”

8. Baby For Sale

via dailymail.co.uk

via dailymail.co.uk

In the “this is just downright illegal” files, a woman posted a photo of her pregnant belly on Craigslist with the strangest request. She just had a few more months to go before giving birth, but put it all out there that she would rather trade her child for profit.

“6 months pregnant, don’t want it. Willing to trade it for $ or drugs. Guaranteed white, so don’t come at me cheap, serious offers only.”

Obviously this is a classic case of human trafficking, and as soon as the post made its way to Craigslist people immediately contacted authorities. At first they didn’t know whether or not it was just a joke or prank, but soon a full investigation was launched to try and find the person behind the ad. The National Center for Missing and Exploited Children even helped as well, but there’s no word on whether or not they ever found the mother or persons responsible.

7. The Faker

via abclocal.com

You never know who’s on the other side of a computer screen when you chat with strangers or answer Craigslist ads, proven by this 34-year-old man who used the site to pick up on young boys.

Sherwin Ngo of Orange County, California, posted ads on Craigslist pretending to be a woman offering up sexual favors. Once the boys showed up to meet this “woman” they were talking to, Ngo would sexually assault them and then send them on their way. The police found two victims, 15 and 16. The 15-year-old’s mother found explicit emails on her son’s computer that prompted the investigation. When they tracked it back to Ngo and police combed through his computer, they found so many emails between the adult and minor boys they knew they stumbled across a stack of new victims. They reached out to the public in hopes that others would come forward and share their story to put this guy away for a very long time.

6. Paddle Party

Aw, look at this guy. Offering up free services for children’s parties to be a supervillain or a…wait…human pinata? Parents of the world, please take note: if you come across a Craigslist post from a strange man in half bondage gear and half superhero costume offering up his services to be beaten with leather paddles by both children and adults for no cost, skip it:

“I can be a supervillain character/mascot/human pinata at children’s birthday parties. Your kids and their friends can tie and beat me up. Parents can also join in the fun. I’ll even provide the leather paddles. My services are usually free of charge. Just make sure that you beat the crap out of me. I enjoy doing this…I mean, I love to make kids happy :).”

A ‘Human Pinata?!!?’

5. Sexuality Study

Anything referred to as a “study” should always be looked at more carefully. Any creep on the street can say they’re conducting an authentic study, when truthfully they’re studying ways on how to get gullible people to feel safe enough to take advantage of. Much like this person who needs to measure every inch of your body, preferably at your home, for a “sexuality study:”

“I’m conducting a human sexuality study focusing on sensory perception of touch on the body with respect to female arousal and require females who are disease free as subjects. The study can be conducted at your location (preferred) or at a neutral site e.g. hotel and will involve measurements being taken from different areas all over the body. Participants will be paid for their time and may be invited for follow-up studies if more data is required.”

We like the “may be invited to follow-up studies” part.

4. Lap Sitter Wanted

Back problems can be awful and people who experience them come up with their own interesting ways to alleviate the pain. This person just needs a man with a good bit of weight on him to sit on his lap. For four hours:

“I have bad back problems and need someone to sit on my lap for four hours a day, it helps me straighten my back. I know it sounds weird but it helps, willing to pay ten dollars an hour for four hours, twice a week, has to be in good shape and looking for male to do it because they are stronger to do this sort of job, if you are interested email, this is not bs, you could watch tv, use computer, I will even give you food, please respond, just want to let you know that I am not gay or anything like that, just need the weight of you leaning on me, that is all, and sitting on me helps, trust me this is not what I wanted but it helps, thank you.”

“Trust me this is not what I wanted” sounds like code for “Please, please, please .”

3. Human Cat For Adoption

via velvet.hu

Trans-species is a real thing, folks, and there are people out there who believe that being human isn’t who they are on the inside. This Craigslist user is so desperate to live their life as a “human-cat” that they placed an ad looking for an owner who will take care of all of their catlike needs. Pooping in a litter box, though? Ick.

“I will crawl around your house and do cat-like things in exchange for only cat food, water, a litter box, and occasional treats. Cat-cats are more of a hassle than human-cats. If you are looking to adopt a cat-cat and have been researching the matter you already know what I mean. There is less research to be done on human-cats, so let a friendly little fellow into your house today and be one of the first to spearhead a fledgling community. I will not speak or do anything human-like, only cat-like. I look out windows, become enthralled with small objects, run across the house in the middle of the night and make terrifying sounds in the corner, nuzzle you with my head, etc. You must take care of me as you would a cat-cat.”

Just. No.

2. Tender Of The Druggies

via pinterest

This honest couple let it be known that they like to experiment with drugs and all they need is a person to check up on them, bring them food, and chat for a few minutes before taking off and leaving them while they fly high as a kite. Anti-social types preferred:

“My boyfriend and I like to experiment with various recreational chemicals, but sometimes when we’re coming down (like now) we don’t want to go out, but we really really really want some sort of obscure, horrible, fast food item. We used to have a friend that would bring stuff and not expect much in return, but he moved away. We would like a replacement for him. We don’t want to DO drugs with you, but we are perfectly willing to hook you up or bake you cookies (when we’re sober) or listen to you whine about how no girls like you (as our old Tender of the Druggies did). We don’t want you to stay overly long, either. Bring us stuff, chill for maybe fifteen minutes (longer if we aren’t obviously exchanging looks or hinting about how tired we are or how NO WE DO NOT WANT A CUDDLE THREESOME), be on your way. We are chill people and really would like to be your friend, but this works better if you are some sort of unlikable loser, eager to please and be accepted, have lots of spare time and few friends, and are socially retarded in some other manner — thus you are fine with an abusive, exploitative relationship of you fetching us NOMS.”

“No cops please.”

1. Limb Lover

via pinterest

When we read this post for the first time, we just knew “it puts its lotion on its skin” had to be in there somewhere, but alas, we were wrong. Usually in the movies when two people have crossed paths but missed connections, one of them drops a necklace and it’s up to the other to run around the city to find out who it belongs to. Even the Prince ran around town forcing a glass slipper on women’s feet. However, a limb is a whole other ball game:

“I was running to catch the 9 train, early in the morning Tuesday. Apparently I wasn’t the only one: I saw you down the subway stop ahead of me. You were sprinting and collided with a support column. Your prosthetic arm flew off and you kept running. You made the train and I did not. All that was left was your lovely arm, glistening from the summer humidity. It smelled of pine and saddleneck oil. I have it now, in my living toom. It’s sitting in a hallway basket, with some umbrella and a digeridoo. Contact me; I’d like to meet the rest of you.”

This one is pretty cute. In a kind of pathetic, insane way.

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