You have to be pretty good looking as a celebrity to pull off wearing a tank top. In fact, you have to be pretty good looking no matter who you are to pull off that whole scene. Sadly a lot of stars that are not so good looking try to do so anyway, and fail miserably.
Tank tops are one of those things to wear that, if you are living in the real world, are never all that cool to wear. Sure you might be working for a landscape crew planting some trees when it is 90° out, or maybe you are on vacation in Bermuda and heading down to the beach to get your tan on, and you throw on a tank top until you get down there. But you know even then the other guys on the landscape crew, and the staff at the hotel in Bermuda be all like “My God, put a real shirt on, you look like a moron.”
Well, guess what, all of these celebrities on this list look like morons too. The sad part about it is that they are all trying to come off as “Oh so cool”, and they really just come off as “Oh so lame.” These celebrities think they look all that in their tank tops, and really the rest of us are like “For the love of God, put a shirt on….please.” Somehow I get the feeling even after reading this article they won’t get the message. Why? Because they just love wearing tank tops. So here you have them- 15 celebrities that love wearing tank tops, but really shouldn’t.
15. Miley Cyrus
Miley simply has to be on this list, she is one of the world’s biggest offenders when it comes to wearing tank tops and looking absolutely awful in them. It isn’t that she doesn’t have the body to pull them off, she does when it comes right down to it. But as is the case with just about everything when it comes to Miley Cyrus, there is something that is just not quite right about the whole thing. The hair is bad, the rest of the outfit is bad, it’s like all of it is bad. In fact, that is one of the reasons that Miley is such a huge star, she is a train wreck that thinks she is cool. Some of you out there think she is cool too, which is all right, we all need someone to identify with. The rest of us see Miley coming in her tank top, and we simply can’t look away, as much as we try.
14. Ariel Winter
I recently wrote another piece in which I mentioned Ariel in a somewhat unflattering manner and all sorts of people got all freaked out about it. Listen, if you were at the mall and you went into your local Abercrombie and Fitch to buy some clothes and Ariel was working there, she would probably be like the 12th hottest chick in the room. She is not that hot, not at all. That does not make her a bad person, and it does not make me a bad person for pointing it out. What does make her a bad person is her trolling all over the place wearing tank tops, and it makes you guys bad people for encouraging her to do so. By the time she is 30 she is going to be on her third marriage and is probably going to weigh in at 190.
13. Khloe Kardashian
Khloe is the least attractive of the Kardashians, who are, without a doubt, a very unattractive family. When you look at the above photo, do me a favor and pretend you are seeing her for the very first time, maybe at your local Walmart for example. Tell me what you would think. Would it be “Wow that chick is totally hot, she must be a huge superstar,” or would it be “Holy mother of God, look at that chick, trying to act like she is all hot, for crying out loud, put a shirt on.” If you picked the first of those two options, you should go get your eyes checked, and if you picked the latter, then hey, thanks for being honest. Speaking of honesty, Khloe and her body need to be considered a tank top free zone, for all of our sake.
12. Kim Kardashian
Ever hear the story of “The Emperor Who Wore No Clothes?” If you have not, it is a good one for sure. I won’t get into it, really, but basically it is the story of one kid who told the truth, when everyone else in his village was afraid to do so. Let’s pretend I am that kid. Kim Kardashian looks awful in a tank top. In fact Kim Kardashian looks pretty awful in general. Some of you out there love her, and some hate her. I fall into a third category; I wonder why you care about her at all. Sure, I suppose it is a little hypocritical considering I am including her in an article, but hey, this is an article about celebrities that are not good looking that are always wearing tank tops. So what am I supposed to do? She certainly fits both criteria.
11. Jillian Michaels
Jillian Michaels is a personal trainer,, author and television personality, who is perhaps best known for her appearance on the talk show The Doctors, as well as being on the weight loss show The Biggest Loser. Now this one is kind of tricky. Jillian actually looks pretty good in a tank top and she has a banging body- her whole gig is exercise after all. I would have to say that the tank top actually makes her look a tiny bit better. That is it though, I don’t really want to see her at all. She is just one of those people. First she lost a whole lot of weight, and now she is engaged to her long time girlfriend, you see her everywhere. But the thing is, who cares? Jillian just is not that hot, and in my opinion doesn’t deserve so much attention.
10. Demi Moore
Here we have Demi Moore. She is not ugly, but she still needs to be here. She once was a very beautiful woman, that is for sure. So much so that she even hooked up with Ashton Kutcher, who is not only considered one of the hottest celebrities out there, but also was way younger than her. But guess what happened? He ended up cheating on her and leaving her for a much younger woman, who also is now way hotter than Demi. What does that have to do with tank tops? Well, it is about aging gracefully. If you find yourself a guy your own age, he probably is not going to run around on you, and if you don’t wear tank tops out when there are a lot of photographers around, you probably are not going to find yourself on lists like this one.
9. Connor Cruise
Connor Cruise is the adopted son of Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman; according to this he lives the life of a millionaire, and also is devoted to Scientology. So I guess I can come out and say right now, none of this is really his fault. I mean his dad is Tom Cruise and he is a Scientologist- of course he is going to be wearing some stupid looking clothes. There is almost no way out of it under those circumstances. Still though, Connor, here is a pro tip: with the whole “Tom Cruise is my dad and I am a Scientologist” thing going on, you already have two strikes against you. The tank top is going to make three. If I were you I would hook up with your mom and have her take you shopping, and buy you some real clothes.
8. Nicolas Cage
All right, I have to be honest here. This tank top in this photo was not Nic Cage’s choice. He wore it as the star of Con Air, which was a very successful film made in 1997. Still though, this illustrates all of the things wrong with the tank top. This is an extra special kind of tank top, which is known as the “wife beater.” The point of it is apparently for the wearer to seem tough, and super cool, but the end result is not quite that. Instead Cage looks like a total idiot. Every single celebrity that ever thinks about wearing a tank top should look at this photo before they put one on; it might change their minds about what they are doing. Unless of course they are hot, then by all means they should wear them as much as possible.
7. Russell Brand
Speaking of attention, oh look who it is! Russell Brand is possibly one of the most desperate celebrities for attention that you could find anywhere. First he was addicted to everything, from sex to drugs and everything else in between, then he became all enlightened and spouting off about feminism and such. He recently had a baby of which he said, “I’m thinking of calling him or her. We don’t know the gender I may not even ever impose a gender upon it, let the child grow up and be the whatever the hell it is, never tell it there is such a concept.” Dude, will you just shut up? No one cares. What we do care about is having to look at you wearing all the ridiculous outfits that you wear. In particular, lose the tank tops. As soon as possible.
6. Gwen Stefani
Has there ever been a chick whose looks are more overrated than Gwen Stefani? You know because she is like a little “different;” all sorts of women make her their idol, and every guy out there who doesn’t have a chance with a “normal” hot chick falls in love with Gwen instead. You know, because she will like you, because she is weird, just like you. Well, she won’t like you, and you should probably stop wasting your time liking her as well. It isn’t that she is really quite ugly, but she is totally overrated when it comes to her looks, which probably has a lot to do with her ridiculous taste in clothes. I mean, come on Gwen, you are 47-years-old. I know you have a brand to protect, but have some pride and lose the tank tops for good.
5. Justin Theroux
Justin Theroux is an actor who has starred in the David Lynch movie Mulholland Drive, as well as the HBO series The Leftovers. He makes a really big mistake with the whole tank top thing that a lot of guys make, so I am going to point it out, just so all you men reading at home don’t make the same mistake. See how he is strolling around wearing combat boots, ripped jeans and a tank top? See how it is obvious that he is trying to present himself as really tough and macho? See how they reality of the situation is that he just looks like some dub actor that is trying way too hard? Don’t make this same mistake at home. If you are going to rock the combat boots and the ripped jeans, don’t put on the tank top. It turns your look from “bad boy” into “poser.”
4. Adam Levine
Oh man, where to start on this one? Do you think this photo is hot, or that Adam looks cool? If you said yes, you better be under the age of 15. If you are over 15 and think this looks hot or cool, you need to do something to change your life around immediately. This is so bad that it actually is hard to find words to explain how ridiculous it is. Yeah, we get it Adam, you have tattoos and you hit the gym every once in a while. But listen, none of us are impressed by this look that you have going on. Everything you might gain by how hot you might think you look is overruled by how dumb you actually look. If you have a personal stylist, fire that person immediately, and if you don’t have one and made this decision yourself, then hire one.
3. James Kennedy
This dude is just a Grade-A douchebag, of this there is no doubt whatsoever. He was recently kicked off a plane for being too drunk and was even fired from his job on Vanderpump Rules, which is a show in which you are more likely than most to see a bunch of idiots rolling around in tank tops. Why do I pick on James then? Well, because he simply looks, and behaves, awfully. That hair is just totally ridiculous, and the way he acts is even worse. When sober he is just a bit of an idiot, but when he drinks he becomes pretty much the biggest idiot in the world. The dude simply cannot hold his liquor. If there were a poll for “Most Likely to be Punched in the Face” James would be at the top of mine and everyone else’s list. Oh, and he looks awful in tank tops.
2. Pauly D
Of all of the members of Jersey Shore, Pauly D probably came off the best. Think about it, how many times did he make a straight up fool of himself? I actually can’t think of any times, while the rest of them did it hundreds of times. Pauly was basically on the show to get drunk and make money, and he seemed to never cross that line into being made a fool of. So while we have to give him some cred for that, we simply can’t do that for the way he dresses. This guy literally lives in tank tops. He obviously thinks they are just about the very coolest thing that anyone could wear under any circumstances. All right, the guy wears his hair in a blowback, and lives by the mantra “Gym, Tan, Laundry” so what did we really expect?
1. Shia LaBeouf
Whenever there is any sort of list of “biggest idiot that also is a celebrity” Shia is on it. Is it even possible that he does anything at all without being a total douchebag? Does he wake up being one, or does he have to sort of work up to it? Like does he need to shower and have some coffee before he starts being an idiot, or does it just magically happen? Either way, I really kind of wish that I didn’t have him on this list- I am just as sick of hearing about him as you are. But when you are writing a list of lame celebrities that are wearing tank tops, how could I possibly leave him out? I would feel like I had not lived up to my journalistic integrity, and I work hard for that. Shia looking dumb in a tank top is just one of his many problems, but hey, he sure does look bad in them.