Jersey Shore was a reality show unlike any other. Which is saying a lot since there is so much reality TV out there. The show has been off the air for a long time, but its influence remains pervasive. Fans are still fist pumping, spray tanning and wearing distinctive hair-dos from Snooki’s pouf to Pauly D’s spiked blowout. Its biggest contribution, though, was probably making the term Guido a household word. Whether you think Guido is a compliment or an insult, we look around at Hollywood today and see many stars that embody the stereotype.
Celebrities are used to making the trends, but in this case it was a crew of misfits thrown together in a beach house by MTV that inspired cultural styles. And it isn’t just the fashion we’re talking about. Being Guido is a way of life, a state of mind, and (say some) a religion. So it’s an interesting cultural phenomenon to watch celebrities be guided by regular folks. When we look around, we realize that plenty of them could be right at home on Jersey Shore. We might not be able to bring you a new episode of the show, but we are willing to do the next best thing. We are going to treat you to a list of 15 celebrities that are so Guido, they could be on Jersey Shore. Think of this as Jersey Shore: Celebrity Edition (hint, hint MTV).
15. Christina Aguilera
Christina Aguilera has been compared to a bleached blonde version of Snooki, which is no compliment. She has Snooki’s fashion taste (bleech!) and also her lack of decorum. But the biggest similarity between the two really is their physical appearance. They are both short and are definitely not a size two, if you catch our drift. They wear their long hair in a messy way which accentuates their sloppy images. They also opted for implants that are way too big for their frames, so they perpetually look top heavy. And of course, they’ve hit the tanning beds too hard. We understand Snooki keeping her tan for all these years because it’s part of her shtick, but Aguilera needs to give it up – it’s just not in style anymore. Aguilera reminds us of Snooki in some small ways, too. They both have tattoos, have a penchant for big hoop earrings and ham it up for the camera.
14. Lea Michele
Lea Michele is an Italian from the Bronx, so it’s not a stretch to see her on Jersey Shore. And if her career keeps faltering, the only work she’ll be able to get will be on a derivative reality show. Michele is constantly being criticized for her fashion choices, which are downright trashy. Her skirts are too short and her dresses are too tight. Which goes to show that you can take the girl out of the Bronx, but you can’t take the Bronx out of the girl. Michele also has an abrasive attitude, as she is notoriously hard to work with. At least the girls on Jersey Shore are only major jerks when they’ve been drinking heavily. What’s Michele’s excuse? She’s been reported to act like a diva, including snapping her fingers when she’s ready to get going, refusing to make eye contact and fighting with co-stars. She’s also been lampooned on blogs for forcing fake smiles on the red carpet and being annoying in Instagram.
13. Channing Tatum
Channing Tatum looks like one of the gorillas on the beach that J-Woww and Snooki would drool over. He’s way too muscular – so much so that it looks like he’s been juicing. Some girls like that look, but others find it a little over the top. All that he needs to look 100 percent Guido is an Italian flag tattooed on his arm and a giant gold cross around his neck. At least he keeps his chest hair in line – unlike some of the gorillas that were filmed on the beach. We can also totally see Tatum working it at the club alongside his bros. He used to be a professional male dancer, after all. We wonder how many hot hook-ups he had when he was an unknown.
12. Lady Gaga
Lady Gaga hides her Guidette side beneath platinum blonde hair, but we all know it’s there. She’s 75 percent Italian, and grew up in the boroughs. She has classic Italian features like a short stature, an aquiline nose and bulbous eyes. Lady Gaga even pals around with fellow Italians like Donatella Versace and Madonna. And this girl can cook! She loves to share her recipe for sauce – her secret ingredient is star anise. However, we know she’s not above the famous ham and water as drunk food. Now that she and Taylor Kinney have broken up, we’re just rooting for her to shack up with one of the Jersey Shore guys. We think The Situation would be able to keep up with her crazy lifestyle, but we also think Vinny might be a good match because he’d balance her out.
11. Josh Radnor
Josh Radnor from How I Met Your Mother totally reminds us of a Jersey Shore cast member with his spiky hair. Think of him as a toned-down version of Pauly D. Sure, his button down plaid shirts aren’t exactly on par with the Ed Hardy T-shirts of the GLT guys, but we bet Radnor could party with the best of them. We can just see him getting cozy in the hot tub with a chick… or maybe not. He grew up in a conservative Jewish household, and is outspoken about the ills of p*rnography. The point is, Radnor at least looks the part of a Guido. If he wants to embrace the look more fully, we’re sure Ronnie could give him some pointers on how to dress, how to drink and how to get digits. Pauly D would be able to school him in music, and The Situation would find Ted Mosby his dream girl in a New Jersey minute. The girls could even show him how to dirty dance.
10. Ariel Winter
Ariel Winter inspired this entire piece because her new look instantly reminded us of a Jersey Shore flunkie. Now that she is 18 and got her breasts just how she wants them, she has been flaunting her new found “hotness” – although we think she’s more of a hot mess. She has all the pudginess of Snooki, and dresses like her, too. Winter has a huge salary, so we have no idea why she wears unflattering items from the T.J. Maxx bin when she could be showing off in elegant ensembles. She might not look that bad if only she would choose items that fit her. Winter may be a California girl, but she looks the part of a Jersey Shore cast member – after all, being a Guido has more to do with a state of mind than the locale. Once she’s 21, we can see her fist pumping with the best of them. And once she hits the bars, we wouldn’t be surprised if someone punched her in the face like what happened to Snooki.
9. John Cena
John Cena is the king of the Guidos. He hits the gym, he’s tan and we’re sure that he’s meticulous about his laundry (when he’s actually wearing clothes, that is). We bet his favorite movie is The Godfather – though we’d say he’s never read the book. He just needs a Jersey Shore duck phone to replace his cell. But it’s not just his looks that would make him fit right in on the series – it’s also his attitude. He’s a total show-boater and aggressively masculine. Everyone knows that Guidos love to swagger around being cocksure. Cena could probably teach the guys a thing or two, though. He has bigger muscles, better dance movies and a worse temper. Why doesn’t he have his own reality show on MTV? We’d love to see him get drunk on Ron Ron juice and then watch what happens.
8. Aubrey O’Day
Remember when Aubrey O’Day was a tender beauty on P. Diddy’s Making the Band? She went downhill fast, and now she looks like an extra on Jersey Shore. Her porcelain skin has turned orange, and her breast job is so bad that she looks like she tore her pectoralis muscle. She even sported Snooki’s neon red hair when she was on The Celebrity Apprentice. Here’s a hint: if you’re going to copy one of Jersey Shore gang, at least let it be Sammi Sweetheart. O’Day is less talented than any of the guys or gals from the show. At least Vinny had his own talk show, J-Woww and Snooki had spin-offs, and Pauly D gets work as a DJ. What has O’Day done lately? All we can think of is that she pals around with Jenna Jameson 24/7. That’s hot, but it doesn’t put money in the bank or get her any respect. And if you don’t believe us that O’Day would fit in on Jersey Shore, just remember that she used to date Pauly D!
7. Giuliana Rancic
Remember when Jersey Shore filmed in Italy – and it sucked? It was probably due to the fact that the crew was about Italian as apple pie. Snooki is Chilean, J-Woww is half Irish and half Spanish, and Ronnie is only half Italian (the other 50 percent is Puerto Rican). What they needed was a full-blooded Italian like Giuliana Rancic to show them a good time. She might not be voluptuous, but she’s a Guidette in so many other ways. She talks with her hands, her eyes are the color of black olives, and she rocks hair extensions better than any mall girl. She also layers the self-tanner over her already dark skin, lives in mini-dresses, and cooks Italian food. We are afraid that the rest of the cast wouldn’t like her, much like the way they attacked Angelina and her “Staten Island attitude.”
6. Jamie-Lynn Sigler
It was a no-brainer putting Jamie-Lynn Sigler on this list since she acted on The Sopranos. You can’t get any more Guido than that. In fact, the show was credited with the rise of acceptance of Italian-Americans, who still claim that they are discriminated against. Jersey Shore just took things a step further – they used the “G-word” and were loud and proud about it. Many say that the cast “took back” the word and gave it a new (and positive) meaning. Of course, there’s argument that The Sopranos was artful in their depiction of Guidos, whereas Jersey Shore was ugly. We’re going to split the difference and classify Sigler as Guido-lite.
5. Vanessa Hudgens
If Jersey Shore ever has a celebrity version, we want Vanessa Hudgens to get in on the ground floor. And she probably would, because her schedule is wide open. She’s no stranger to bad behavior, since nude photos of hers got leaked back when she was still Disney’s little darling. We can see her grinding on the dance floor of a techno club, getting tipsy on the beach, and taking a grenade if she had to. And she definitely looks the part with her dark, flowing hair, full cheeks and caramel colored eyes. Hudgens could even supply her own wardrobe since she never fails to peacock around in trampy outfits.
4. Jessica Szohr
Jessica Szohr is half African American and half Hungarian, but she looks all Guido to us. She bears an uncanny resemblance to RHONJ cast member Teresa Guidice. Szohr isn’t old enough to be on that franchise yet, but she would fit right in on Jersey Shore. She certainly has the hair for it, since she wears hers in a giant pouf which is definitely Snooki-inspired. She also has the cool stare of Deena, which could either be interpreted as an invitation to get busy or a giant f-off. And we know she likes burly guys, since she dated Aaron Rodgers. He didn’t have spiky hair, but maybe that’s why they broke things off in the end.
3. Kim Kardashian
People never want to believe that Kim Kardashian is all Armenian. They think she’s got to have a little Italian in her because she styles herself like a Guidette. She totally misappropriated the Guido style and took it for herself. She has all the exaggerated features of a Jersey mall girl. The black hair. The overly done makeup. The gaudy jewelry. The drama. The only thing that separates her from the typical Guido is that she has plenty of money to burn. Kardashian has traveled all over the world on Keeping Up with the Kardashians in order to create new storylines. Wouldn’t it be fun to see her and her family visit the Jersey Shore? She could shake her famous rump on the boardwalk, do shots with her sisters at the clubs, and play craps at the casinos.
2. Brie and Nikki Bella
WWE Divas and sisters Brie and Nikki Bella, are a mafia boss’ fantasy. They have olive-colored skin, shiny dark eyes and wavy brown hair. And they can pack a punch! They hit the gym more than the guys on Jersey Shore do. They are such Guidettes that they could have been extras in Enrique Iglesias’ “I Like It” video, which features the Jersey Shore cast. The Bella twins would fit right in on the shore, because they are famous for their wild ways. They bicker, they curse and they drink. For now, they have two reality shows on E!, Total Divas and Total Bellas.
1. Joe Manganiello
Joe Manganiello would definitely fit right in on Jersey Shore. This guy is so swarthy that he gets a five o’clock shadow by noon. His father is Sicilian, but Manganiello gets most of his looks from his mother. His mother may be Eastern European, but she’s a dead ringer for Marisa Tomei’s character in My Cousin Vinny. How does this writer know? Well, she may have stalked Mrs. Manganiello at a CVS and took pics with her smartphone of the lovely lady with her big hair, purple leggings, black leather jacket, and shiny blank ankle boots. The point is, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. If this family were any more Guido, they’d be drinking marinara sauce out of water bottles. And Manganiello obviously likes his girls to be Guidettes since he married Sofia Vergara.
Vergara may be Colombian, but she fits the Guido profile perfectly. She wears revealing clothing, has a mountain of dark hair, and plump red lips. She also gets by on her charms, but can also be a bit of a loudmouth who isn’t afraid to speak her mind. If you’ve seen any photos of her from her younger days, then you know that she was a party girl who had a good time in the surf and on land.
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