Being a celebrity has its perks. Parlay your fame correctly, and piles of money are sure to follow. Case in point: a seventh-grade dropout is well on her way to becoming a millionaire for telling a jeering audience on a sleazy TV talk show to “cash me outside.” Adulation is another fringe benefit – even when people say they hate you, deep down, they love you, otherwise they wouldn’t be paying attention to you. And then there’s the fact that celebrities seem to play by a different set of rules. Studies have revealed that celebs get away with more crimes than us common folk and receive special treatment in court.
But there’s a downside to all that fame. Maintaining a private life is difficult, and even more challenging is keeping negative information about yourself from seeping out and spreading like an insidious virus. Celebrity gossip is big business, and nothing commands a higher price in the gossip business than embarrassing stories. So when someone beds a celebrity and the celebrity doesn’t move the earth with their performance, you can bet it doesn’t stay under wraps. Why would it? Tabloids pay big bucks to be the first to print that so-and-so’s manhood has the girth of a tightly rolled Fruit Roll-Up, and most people who sleep with celebrities know this.
So if you plan on getting famous, you better start practicing your bedroom skills, because the world will soon know where you fall on the spectrum of sexual superiority. Here are 10 stars rumored to be terrible lovers, and five said to be spectacular.
15. Terrible: 50 Cent
If you grow up listening to rap like I did, you tend to come away with the perception that every rapper is endowed with god-like bedroom skills and enormous proportions below the belt. Most of them mention it at least once per song. Hell, the first time my parents brought up the subject of condoms with me, my response was, “I thought those were called Magnums.” So when you hear about a hip-hop superstar failing to satisfy, it throws you for a loop. Like, for example, I never would have guessed that 50 Cent ranks as a 3 out of 10 on the mattress. But that’s what one exotic dancer gave him. Fiddy, according to the stripper, was as nervous as a 14-year-old boy. The woman had to initiate everything. She also said he’s “definitely not packing” and probably doesn’t even measure six inches. Doesn’t sound like a Candy Shop or a Magic Stick to me!
14. Terrible: Brad Pitt
When you think about men who have everything, few names surface to the top of the list faster than Brad Pitt. Sure, his wife just left him, but what’s one woman who doesn’t want you when the planet has about 3.5 billion others who do? Maybe the hordes of women swooning over Brad need to sit down and have a talk with Robin Givens or Juliette Lewis. Givens had a fling with Brad before her famous and tumultuous marriage to Mike Tyson. She later said that Brad couldn’t give her the big “O”, but Mike could. Then in 2013, a National Enquirer reporter spotted Lewis in a Seattle bar and asked about her relationship with Brad in the early ’90s. Clearly tipsy, the actress responded that he was no “big” deal in bed, apparently a reference to his less-than-impressive anatomical dimensions. Continuing the pun theme, the reporter then asked if Brad was the “pitts,” to which Lewis smiled and nodded.
13. Spectacular: Tiger Woods
Thousands of women can’t be wrong. The notorious philanderer, despite having a supermodel wife at home, slept with everything from adult film stars to Perkins waitresses. A few of Tiger Woods‘ paramours dished the details to Howard Stern and other purveyors of celebrity scuttlebutt. The reviews were glowing across the board. One mistress stated she’d also been with Michael Jordan, but that Tiger was “bigger and better.” Another raved that the golfer “knows his way around the bedroom.” One chick summed it up even more pithily: “Tiger’s wood was nine inches.” And here we were thinking it was Tiger’s money that all these women were after. When adult film stars, most of whom have seen a few knobs in their lives – and not small ones — are complimenting his size and skill, we’ll take their word that Tiger’s golf bag isn’t the only place he’s packing a Big Bertha.
12. Terrible: Leonardo DiCaprio
He’s good-looking, rich, talented, cares about the environment, and at long last, an Oscar winner. Is there anything at all for chicks not to like about Leonardo DiCaprio? Well, how about the fact that he might be a total creep between the sheets. This little tidbit comes from the autobiography of Bobbie Brown. If you’re male and had testosterone in your body in 1990, you probably remember Admiral Winky standing at attention when the blonde beauty gyrated around in Warrant’s “Cherry Pie” video. Leo, that lucky S.O.B., scored with Brown in 1995, and she wrote about it in her 2013 tell-all, Dirty Rocker Boys. First, the good: Brown had just broken up with Tommy Lee, and yet she still was shocked – in a good way – when Leo whipped it out for the first time. But then things got weird. Leo began acting way too sappy and clingy for a one-night stand, and at one point even serenaded her with TLC’s “Waterfalls.” Weirdo!
11. Terrible: Bill Clinton
Most of us already know way more than we want to about the 42nd president’s life between the sheets. So why not dig in and find out if he was at least leaving a trail of satisfied women in his wake? While his most famous paramour, Monica Lewinsky, has remained tight-lipped about his size, skill and stamina, others have been more forthcoming. These include Paula Jones, the Arkansas woman who accused Bill Clinton of harassment while he was governor. She’s the one who, in a sworn deposition, let it be known that Clinton’s member is severely bent to one side. That’s embarrassing enough, so imagine the former president’s shame in 2016 when former Miss Arkansas Sally Miller came forward with details of their alleged 1980s affair. First she gushed over how romantic and charming he was, but then she dropped the hammer, characterizing his member as being like a little boy’s that “never quite grew up.”
10. Spectacular: Justin Bieber
We were as surprised as you to discover that Justin Bieber brings the thunder down under. It isn’t so much the size, though a well-publicized nude photo of the Biebs appeared to show some impressive dimensions in the flaccid state. Here’s why pictures can be deceiving, though. Bieber’s a small guy, probably 150 pounds soaking wet after Thanksgiving dinner. So even an average member is going to look big juxtaposed with such a small backdrop. Take Bieber’s hog and put it on Shaq‘s body, and we doubt it looks so impressive. Whether he’s big or average, it’s the skill that matters, and according to at least one lucky lady, the Biebs has got it. During a 2013 South American excursion, Bieber allegedly knocked boots with Brazilian model Tati Neves, who later had this to say about the experience: “Take it from me, he’s well-endowed – and very good in bed.” Baby, baby, baby!
9. Terrible: Nick Lachey
Nick Lachey got his start with boy band 98 Degrees, which produced a hit or two in the late ’90s but mostly hung around in the shadows of N’Sync and the Backstreet Boys. But Lachey’s stock took off when he snagged music, movie, and wet dream star Jessica Simpson and marched her down the aisle in 2002. The pair signed on to a reality TV series, The Newlyweds, which became a massive hit. Nick and Jessica were the it couple in Hollywood until the marriage unraveled in 2005. At first, the split appeared amicable, just two high-profile people going in two different directions. But Jessica must’ve harbored some resentment, because, allegedly, she gave an interview at one point in which she stated that Nick had a “small package” that was a “problem sometimes.” How small? Well, according to Simpson, even when she lost the big “V” to him, rather than hurting the first time, she couldn’t feel much of anything. Which raises a fascinating question – would you rather be Nick Lachey and have great looks but a tinky winky, or be Ron Jeremy, homely but hung?
8. Terrible: Eminem
Wait, you mean the guy who seethes anger toward women in every song and raps about tying his wife up in the trunk and driving his car off a bridge has a small member and difficulty performing in the bedroom – who would have guessed? The information comes from Eminem‘s ex-wife Kim, who matches the rapper crazy for crazy. She characterized sex with the rap genius as “bad,” adding that “he’s not very well-endowed.” Then she went for the jugular: “If you’re going to have sex with [Eminem], make sure you have a little blue pill, otherwise it won’t work.” While it’s easy to dismiss her remarks as the rantings of a bitter ex-wife with an axe to grind, there’s also this from Eminem’s own song, “The Warning,” a Mariah Carey diss track: “Listen girly, surely you don’t want me to talk about how I nutted early, ’cause I ejaculated prematurely.” Em, come on bro, I know you grew up without a dad, but didn’t someone teach you to think about baseball?
7. Spectacular: John Mayer
When you look at John Mayer, he’s not an ugly dude, but is he the male equivalent of Jennifer Aniston, Katy Perry, Jessica Simpson at her hottest, or Taylor Swift? Not even close. Why does this matter? Because Mayer has hooked up with every one of those chicks, along with a long list of additional Hollywood hotties. And a lot of us dudes would like to know what his secret is. Apparently it isn’t much of a secret. Sure, the guitar playing helps, and probably so do those cheesy, sappy lyrics that make anyone with a testosterone level above 200 barf in their mouth. But women flock to John for the most part because he knows how to get down. A former conquest raved that John is not just good in bed but “sensational.” It was “the best” of her life, and she knows several other girls who’ve been with John and say the same thing. She also speculated that if he could sell his bedroom skills to other guys, he’d make more money than he does from music.
6. Terrible: Roger Clemens
Roger Clemens had plenty of stamina on the mound. He played 24 seasons of Major League Baseball, winning seven Cy Young Awards and two World Series with the New York Yankees. He was an 11-time All-Star and is generally regarded as one of the greatest pitchers ever, albeit PED-enhanced. The bedroom is a different story from the diamond, though. Despite being married his entire career, Clemens had several high-profile affairs. One was with now-deceased country star Mindy McCready, and, depending on whose story you believe, it may have started when she was as young as 15. Regardless of when they first got busy, it happened at some point, and she was less than impressed. He had performance issues, she said, possibly related to his well-documented steroid abuse. Even when Clemens was able to produce wood, McCready found it much less satisfying than that of her later fiance, TV star Dean Cain.
5. Terrible: Charlie Sheen
Charlie Sheen took over the internet for a few months back in 2011 with his claims of “winning” — if you define winning as getting fired from the most lucrative TV deal in history and putting your borderline mental illness on display for the world to see. Even with his career falling apart, he still pulled chicks in legendary quantities, at least until being diagnosed with the king of all STDs a few years later. But after hearing what ex-wife Denise Richards had to say about Sheen’s proficiency with the horizontal mambo, it stands to reason that most of Sheen’s women were there for the financial rewards and not to be pleasured. Sheen, according to Richards, only cared about his own pleasure, and her satisfaction was of no concern to him. She also didn’t like his habit of playing adult films while they made love – we’re guessing her displeasure stemmed from the fact that Sheen has slept with most of the women in that industry.
4. Spectacular: Tommy Lee
Being a child of the ’90s and not the ’80s, I wasn’t familiar with Motley Crue at the time, and I’d never heard of Tommy Lee. When I first saw his picture, I was vexed. How could a dude that ugly lock down Pamela Anderson? About a year later, when a kid from school procured a bootleg copy of “the video,” I had my answer. Tommy’s member is so big it has an elbow. During a handie scene in the car, Pam wraps two hands around it, stacking one on top of the other, and well over half his tool still protrudes from the top. And we all remember the legendary boat-steering scene. A member of many talents, for sure.
3. Terrible: Jesse James
Jesse James is the outlaw motorcycle dude who over-married and somehow landed Sandra Bullock but continued to chase after anything in a skirt. He was like the poor man’s Tiger Woods, except without the talent, looks, or money. This led many people to believe that he must be a dynamo in the bedroom if he’s able to snag so many hot women without ostensibly having much to offer them. But one of his mistresses, Brigitte Daguerre, blew that theory wide open with her evaluation of Jesse’s lovemaking. Rather than gushing about his technique or size, she gestured with her hand dismissively and said James was a “dud” in bed who “only cared about himself.” While it shouldn’t come as a shock that a guy who cheated on his wife with dozens of women is self-centered, you’d like to think he at least picked up a few skills along the way with all that practice.
2. Terrible: Drake
When it comes to lovemaking ability, we all started at the bottom. If you don’t believe me, call up your high school girlfriend and ask her if she reached the zenith of pleasure when you guys were fumbling around in the back of your Honda trying to figure out what goes where. But apparently even after the profusion of sexual experience that comes with being an A-list rap star, Drake isn’t here, but there, meaning still at the bottom. This is according to his ex-girlfriend, Cyn Santana, who described his sexual prowess as “unimpressive.” She said he had a weird habit of staring at himself in the mirror while they were being intimate. She also characterized him as a selfish lover, which seems to be a common thread on the “terrible” list, so take note, fellas – be about her pleasure, not your own. No wonder Drake’s no longer getting that hotline bling.
1. Spectacular: Donald Trump
In the Oval Office he may not have a clue, but down the hall, in the bedroom, Donald Trump is a virtuoso – just ask his ex-wife, Marla Maples. She sat on the presidential “staff” from 1993 until 1999, when she was married to the future leader of the free world. Apparently she enjoyed the role. The New York Post interviewed the diva about her bedroom life with The Donald, and her assessment was frank: “Best sex of my life.” Maybe GOP challenger Marco Rubio should’ve pulled that article from the archives before he tried to impugn Trump’s “bona” fides. During a rally in Roanoke, Virginia, Rubio made a crack about Trump’s purportedly small hands, and then followed it up with, “You know what they say about men with small hands.” Trump wasn’t having it. At the ensuing GOP debate, Trump, after acknowledging Rubio’s remarks, guaranteed the audience there was “no problem” with his manhood.