There is a lesser-documented history of women loving large members than of men loving large breasts, but there are still whispers out there that deserve to be addressed. The male adoration for “well-endowed” women is everywhere: on billboards, on television, at the movies. The flipped-script version of women with hung men is less apparent, in large part because of the extreme taboo that still surrounds male genitalia (women regularly do full-frontal in movies and no one talks about it, but when Michael Fassbender flashed the camera in Shame it was all anyone could talk about for months, probably because his girlfriend would recognize herself in this list).
If you’ve ever wondered just what women think about genetically and genitally blessed men, we’ve got you covered. There are many conflicting opinions on the topic: some think they’re ecstatic about it while others argue that most women feel, “It’s not the size of the boat but the motion of the ocean.” We’ve broken down the minutiae below, from the ladies who quite enjoy their boyfriends to be packing heat, to those who couldn’t care less, to those who like to observe it more as a phenomenon of nature than anything.
Jump right into to the 20 thoughts women will have when dating a horse-like man.
19. “It’s So Beautiful”
That’s right: one thing that most every woman will think upon seeing a large member is that it’s nice. It’s pretty undeniable. Although an average sized one is alright to look at it and does the trick, it doesn’t have the awesome power of its larger brethren. Think about it this way: models on the runway need to be tall to give the clothes they’re hocking that “gasp” effect. The same principle applies to the male member. Although it’s not modelling anything (except for perhaps in a very sexually graphic Northern European condom commercial), it is trying to “sell” itself to the mate.
18. “I Hope He Doesn’t Wanna Do Backdoor Stuff”
Men can be pretty insistent on trying stuff on the other side of the body. And women can be amenable, if you have the right conversation about it and take the necessary precautions. But when dating a man with a really big dong, a woman will secretly be terrified that he starts to make noise about wanting to try it out. Although large members are reputedly good fun in the front, in the back their size takes on quite a threatening appearance.
17. “I Can’t Open My Mouth Wide Enough”
Men also have a reputation for being pretty insistent on getting oral pleasure from their partners. Something that (most — definitely not all) people realize is that teeth have no place in their activity. The less teeth, the better. But this can’t exactly work when the man’s member is so large that it’s impossible not to graze it with one’s teeth. A woman in this situation will then face a dilemma: refuse to do it, potentially labeling herself a prude, or do the man a sexual favour, knowing full well that mechanics prevent her from doing her best work?
16. “I Can See It Through His Jeans”
Yes, just like men will be able to catch a glimpse of large breasts no matter what, a woman dating a hung man will be able to see his trouser snake in whatever pair of pants he wears. This isn’t to say that everyone can tell. If you’re not specifically on the lookout for it, it’ll probably escape your attention. But the woman knows that it’s there, and she’s turned on by its owner, so she will definitely cruise it when her man gets dressed in the morning. “How much plumper and more alluring it makes those pants look,” she’ll think, “I can’t wait until he gets home tonight!”
15. “It’s Like A Beer Can”
An oft-cited comparison between the male member and familiar objects is that to the can of beer. Perhaps because this cultural artifact is so associated with masculinity, perhaps because of the sensations of inebriation that they inspire in certain people, or perhaps simply because it’s just something that a lot of people have lying around. The one thing we do know is that this comparison is often floated when trying to explain the dimensions of a certain “thing” to certain people (and yes, we do mean her girlfriends over brunch. The rumours may be nasty but that doesn’t mean they aren’t true!)
14. “My Friends Would Be So Jealous”
Speaking of friends, this is an important one. It’s almost an undeniable fact that when dating someone, people will wonder what their friends would think. When they finally introduce them, they wonder what their friends did think. There are some things in a partner that immediately show during that big introduction ceremony: a sense of humor, good looks, nice clothes, the ability to tell a story… But that isn’t quite the case for a big you-know-what. Although perhaps confessed faux-embarrassingly to a friend over Sunday afternoon bottomless mimosas, this is a fact that the other friends would only resent if they knew.
13. “It’s The Biggest I’ve Ever Seen”
In the movie Shallow Hal, Jack Black dates a woman who’s morbidly obese. To everyone else, she looks it. To Jack Black, she looks like Gwenyth Paltrow (back then a total fox). The movie, a middling success, was supposed to be a comment on how beautiful a person is made by love or infatuation. To get back to the matter at hand: if a woman is dating a hung guy, when he takes it out, she will think it’s the biggest one she’s seen in her life, even if she’s seen bigger ones in the seedy annals of online adult films or even with previous partners. This is just a favour nature does to people to make them continue procreating.
12. “He Must Stand Far From the Urinal”
Men with relatively small dongs need to stand closer to urinals to aim properly. If you’ll permit the analogy, there’s a reason pistols are short range but snipers use guns a yard long. Following that logic, a man with a big one “down there” would have to stand back not only out of leisure but also to control, ahem, splashage. Among all the things women thing about their well-endowed partners, this is the only one that really relates the W.C. Otherwise, it’s hard to imagine that it would really change the experience of relieving yourself.
11. “Better Stock Up On Magnums”
In this day and age, protection is both a man’s and a woman’s responsibility. Previously, it was up to men to get the rubbers, while women could discreetly be on birth control. But in these times, there are no more excuses for women to purchase condoms. It being “embarrassing” is no match to the shaming of yesteryear. That all said, regular size condoms will cut off a well-endowed man’s circulation, leaving only one option: Magnums! (Unless the man uses special designer condoms, in which case he can get them his damn self).
10. “He Must Get Lightheaded When He’s Ready”
In a perhaps evil trick, God has given some men such large things that when they are fully erect, their owner gets lightheaded and dizzy. This isn’t from the arousal of looking at their own impressive anatomies, but rather from the blood the ding-a-ling “steals” from the rest of the body. In order to become totally engorged, it takes so much blood from the brain that the brain gets woozy. Some men even faint. What a cruel condition, eh? Having a great sword to battle with, but not being able to operate heavy machinery. Actually, we can think of worse things (micro-penis…….).
9. “Is It Proportional To His Feet?”
This is one old wives tale that absolutely everyone has heard, especially dudes with big feet. “You know what they say! Big feet big……. shoes!” Or so the saying goes, the multiple ellipses representing the long, drawn-out, sexually-suggestive silence. When a woman dates a well-endowed man, she’s bound to look down at his feet to see if the old saying has some truth to it. Even though it has long been disproved, there must be some inkling of curiosity to it, or at least a desire to see if the cliche came from a place of some, albeit non-universal truth.
8. “He’s So Cocky”
There are two reasons a woman would think this about a well-endowed man. First off, it constitutes a hilarious and unintentional pun (the word actually refers to the cockerel, the rooster, who struts around self-adoringly). But second, and more importantly, being born with that blessing does tend to make men a little more arrogant and self-assured than the rest of them. It’s understandable, they have a third leg to stand on (bazinga!) Next time you hear a woman whisper about a guy that “Ugh, he’s so cocky”, you may be getting a little bit of veiled gossip about that man in the same breath. Keep your ears… peeled?
7. “How Big Is It Exactly?”
Despite it being the biggest she’s even seen, a woman will probably want to know exactly the dimensions of the thing when it belongs to her man. Just like if someone told you that a man in Japan broke the world record of hot-dog eating, your first question would be: “Well how the hell many hot dogs did he eat?”, refusing to take “A WHOLE LOT” for an answer. We humans are obsessed with quantifying things, because quantities are information and information is power, in this case perhaps just the power to lord it over your friends (in spirit, obviously).
6. “How Does He Play Sports?”
Imagine a girl is dating a guy and he really likes playing sports: soccer, football, tennis, whatever sport you can think of, he likes it. Unless the sport is checkers, chances are it’s quite active. And activity means motion. And motion means the involuntary flopping and bopping of body parts. With a big-chested woman, a sports bra theoretically keeps everything in place. But short of wearing a chastity belt or a jock strap, there isn’t much a well-endowed man can do to fasten down his well-endowed manhood. He’s cursed to have it sort of jump around, perhaps painfully, making scandalized parents complain to the YMCA front desk about the “obscene game of pick up basketball going on in there.”
5. “He’s Like An Adult Film Star”
Ever noticed that the men in adult films are almost always faceless, soft-bodied little hedgehogs? They’re far from the studs that you see flashing their bleached grins across the silver screen. This is apparently to prevent them from inspiring insecurities in male consumers, who theoretically project themselves into the film they’re watching. But at the same time, all the men always have very large manhoods. Is this because they’re more photogenic (the dongs, not the men) or because men all imagine themselves to be endowed like that? Either way, a woman dating a well-endowed man will probably at some point mentally liken him to an actor from a skin flick.
4. “It’s So Weighty”
Just like men will think that a large-breasted woman can crush a beer can, woman will think that a well-endowed manhood is weighty and destructive (like a baseball bat, a meat-mallet, or a sledgehammer — a comparison which the great Peter Gabriel made in song long before we did here). The male member is often compared to “impressive” things: guns, snakes, the Washington monument. It’s no surprise that the bigger and heavier it gets, the more people witnessing/experiencing it will compare it to something that both entertains and destroys (think about the duality of everything we’ve named so far… except for snakes).
3. “Like Father, Like Son?”
The girlfriend of a man who’s going bald will often look to his father to see what her boyfriend has in his future (fruitlessly — orthodoxy says baldness is passed on through the mother!) Understandably, she would also wonder if his well-endowed body part is also a genetic inheritance. By this we don’t mean that women of well-endowed men necessarily want to sleep with their fathers-in-law, but we do mean it’s a thought that will most definitely occur to her during dinner with her boyfriend and his folks.
2. “I Wonder What Famous Men Have This”
Ever since Colin Farrell and Tommy Lee released sex tapes (not with each other, with Nicole Narain and Pamela Anderson respectively), the viewing public has wondered what other male celebrities are well-endowed. That’s right: we’re trying to tell you that those two men have big things. The flames of curiosity were only stoked when Justin Bieber, conveniently around the release of his new album, was photographed naked on vacation. Some people were unimpressed and some were pleasantly surprised. There’s no way that a woman dating a well-endowed man doesn’t wonder which of the lovely ladies of tinseltown have that same feeling of Christmas morning butterflies when undressing their hubbies or boyfriends at night.
1. “Size Doesn’t Matter”
And finally, the last thing a woman will think when dating a well-endowed man is that size doesn’t really matter. Style and substance are two different things. It may be aesthetic, but if it can’t get the job done, a big ding-dong is altogether useless. Chances are a woman would rather be with a man who really knows what he’s doing than be with a man who has good genes/ full jeans, but no sense of what to do when they end up coming off. And if her boyfriend happens to be both well-endowed AND talented, well uh… we’re sure he’s an idiot… or we sure hope.
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